Should I see her?

LegacyUser

Myself and my ex parted amicably, circumstances (distance) really the only reason we broke up. This is 2 years ago. I still love her but started seeing someone else this year. It's going good, can't complain, we enjoy each others company alot..except my ex is always on my mind. Now my dilemma is that I'm going home at christmas for a visit and can't for the life of me decide whether or not to meet my ex. We are still in contact, but is seeing her just gonna dig up old wounds? I really don't want to lose touch with her - in my mind I would love to eventually get back with her and be with her forever. And the other consideration is how much I'd hurt my current g/f if I do meet my ex...

dudara

No polls permitted in PI.

Curvy Vixen

Without knowing your ex's side I can't answer this..has she moved on with her life? 2 years is a long time.

However, I think that whatever you do you should maybe have another look at your current relationship. Why are you with her if this is in your mind...

in my mind I would love to eventually get back with her and be with her forever.

And the other consideration is how much I'd hurt my current g/f if I do meet my ex...

If I was your girlfriend I would be more wary about the fact you want to get back with your ex so much than be concerned about you meeting her.

People are friends with their ex's all the time for all sorts of reasons..kids, becoming FWB, because they want more from the friendship or just because they like each other as friends.

I think you are being disingenuous to your current girlfriend at the moment tbh.

LegacyUser

helpmewisefolk wrote: »

Myself and my ex parted amicably, circumstances (distance) really the only reason we broke up. This is 2 years ago. I still love her but started seeing someone else this year. It's going good, can't complain, we enjoy each others company alot..except my ex is always on my mind. Now my dilemma is that I'm going home at christmas for a visit and can't for the life of me decide whether or not to meet my ex. We are still in contact, but is seeing her just gonna dig up old wounds? I really don't want to lose touch with her - in my mind I would love to eventually get back with her and be with her forever. And the other consideration is how much I'd hurt my current g/f if I do meet my ex...

Hey, I'm in the same boat as you at the moment but we do plan to meet up when she gets back from where she is - we only broke up because of distance and still tell each other we love each other...now I'd like to move on but it's hard and like you, I think I'd like to be with her forever too...yes definitely see her. Sometimes you just have to be selfish with things like this.

Colonel_McCoy

Dont see her..no future in the past

Carturo

Colonel_McCoy wrote: »

Dont see her..no future in the past

Did you actually read his post? He's in love with her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her.

OP ignore the above.

I would definitely see her, just to see if there really is anything there or not. I know you feel like there is something there but when you see her again it may not be that simple.

As for your current girlfriend, well it'd be unfair to carry on with her alway wondering. This may sound harsh on the current gf but, you're going to have to be selfish here. It's may not be fair but... SEE HER.

Carturo

mickoneill30 wrote: »

So you broke up because of distance. Has anything changed regarding that? Are you willing to move closer to her? Is she seeing anybody else?

I don't see any harm meeting up for a drink but if you broke up before because of distance then something would have to change for it to work a second time (assuming she wants to try).

Agree with Mick. One of you's is going to have to take a big step and move, otherwise there's not much point.

Wibbs

I'm also in the ignore Colonel_McCoy's post too, though I see where he's coming from. That strive ever forward forget the past/it's over for a reason kinda thing has common currency these days. Which is fine, but I've known way too many people in second best relationships because they stuck to that.

Meet your ex, but break up with the current woman. OK the ex thing may blow up in your face, but staying with the current one is wrong and a bad plan. I'm saying this for your sake too, never mind the current woman. You could, out of laziness end up with this current girlfriend and neither you nor she will be happy litte campers long term. Put money on that.

unhappycamper

All of this seems very unfair with regards to your current partner. It sounds to me like she is in the dark to your true feelings towards your past partner. Why are you in a relationship pretending that you have moved on OP when clearly you haven't?

Enright

go see her, if there is a spark, then you mus be fair to your current gf, you will never be albel to go forward in your current relationship if you keep thinkingabout the past.

So meet her, a) have a few pleantaries and move forward, or b) realise that you still want a relationship and breakup up the the gf, its not fair.

Zulu

For want of more info, I'm going to go with Colonel_McCoy on this one.
You've decided to end the previous relationship because of distance.
Who called this?
If it was her, is there any chance that "distance" was an excuse to protect your feelings?

Also, how old are you? 2 years when your 16 is a lifetime in human relationships.

But thinking about her isn't helping your current relationship. What feelings do yuo have for your current OH? From your post, it would appear that you don't love her. Do you? Have you ever given her a fair chance? or have you always been comparing?

Your ex is your ex. Sure if you really do want to get back with her, you can try. But you need to split with your current if that's the case. However, if you have feeling for your current OH, you shouldn't see your ex.

THB seeing your ex, according to your post above is betraying your OH. Simple fact of the matter is - if she knew the truth (or read the above post) there's a distinct chance she'd dump you, but you can be sure she wouldn't want you seeing your ex.

Aurora Borealis

Of course you should meet her if you're still feeling this way and tell her how you are feeling. You should also however finish things with your current girlfriend if you quite obviously don't see a future in it. There are two possible outcomes to this scenario. 1. You finish with current GF. You talk to your ex and you and your ex patch things up and give things a go again if she is still feeling the same way too.2. You finish with current gf. You talk to your ex. Your ex doesn't feel the same way, you don't spend anymore time wondering how she's feeling and you're free to meet someone else who will go the distance (geographical or otherwise) for you and who is right for you.The key is to be honest;A.with yourself about what you're really feeling for your current gf and your ex, B. with your gf, that you don't see a future in it. C.with your ex, that you still want a future with her.I hope things turn out as you want them to.A.B.
SORRY,HOPE THIS LEGIBLE. CAN'T SEEM TO FORMAT REPLIES PROPERLY ON THIS COMPUTER.

neuro-praxis

You still tell your ex that you love each other? Um, this is completely unfaithful to your current girlfriend, and whether or not you can get together with the ex, you should leave her.

You want to have your cake and eat it my friend and shamefully it is at the expense of your current girlfriend.

Wibbs

neuro-praxis wrote: »

You still tell your ex that you love each other?

I missed this part.

Um, this is completely unfaithful to your current girlfriend, and whether or not you can get together with the ex, you should leave her.

You want to have your cake and eat it my friend and shamefully it is at the expense of your current girlfriend.

Agreed. He's companionship and legover status with the current and that's about it. She likely thinks there's more. Regardless of the ex, let the current woman go.

Aurora Borealis

Yeah I missed that part too. ouch!Not berating you OP coz I know my head was up mine over an ex in a relationship I had subsequently and I didn't even know how bad for some time coz I just didn't want to be feeling it but if you are actually professing such emotions to each other why in God's name would you have someone else entangled in this. The longer you leave it go on the more you will hurt this girl. You don't love her and right now you don't see a future with her so stop wasting her time and sort your own head and heart out first.

Redpunto

You still love her, you want to spend the rest of your life together and yet you are going out with someone else

Dont get it, for starters youre acting like a pig in regards to your now GF. You need to tell her the truth so she can be with someone who truely can care for her.

SO at that stage when you go home you can see the ex as a single person and see how things go.

Zulu

neuro-praxis wrote: »

You still tell your ex that you love each other?

No, thats a different unreg'd poster.

neuro-praxis

Oh, apologies, my mistake...could have sworn I read that. Time to go easy on the hallucinogens.

Zulu

no worries - you completly spanner'd my post though! I was wonder how I got it SO wrong.


Not like me
...I keep telling myself

LegacyUser

OP here again, thanks for all the input. Lots of questions that I'll try address. Firstly, I'm 27. Second, it was a mutual decision to break up as I had no plans to return, and she couldnt legally come back here. We don't still tell each other we love each other, that was another poster. The distance thing hasn't changed, I was willing to move back for her but she didn't want me coming back just for her, and at the time I had really good prospects here with work. WIth the current gf, she knows I still have feelings for my ex, and says she wants me to see her at xmas to try close that chapter - but i doubt she means it. I'm actually with the current gf longer than i was with the ex. The current OH is maybe the most caring person I've ever met, I think I trust her more than the ex (mainly due to not really drinking) but the same spark just isn't there. AFAIK the ex has kissed a few guys but nothing serious since.

LegacyUser

Carturo wrote: »

I would definitely see her, just to see if there really is anything there or not. I know you feel like there is something there but when you see her again it may not be that simple.

This is a good point. A good friend has mentioned something similar to me already, maybe I'll see her and feel nothing?

Zulu

It seems to me that you've already made up your mind - which is cool.
However (and just playing the devils advocate here) before you destroy what you already have, consider the consequences.
I'm pretty sure you will have feelings for her when you meet her.
I'm pretty sure this will destroy what you already have.
I'm guessing that she won't change her stance and encourage you to move over.

Now, you've said what you currently have is a loving caring considerate gf, but you have siad if you love her.

Do you love her?

SpookyDoll

WHY are you going out with some one else........when you freely admit you are still in love with your ex?

MagicMarker

OP, you're being incredibly selfish here. You've been wasting your current girlfriends time here for over 2 years. There is no future in your current relationship if you're in love with someone else.

Aurora Borealis

May I just say the girlfriend you have now is being extremely understanding and mature in how she's dealing with this. Are you sure your feelings for your ex are not rose tinted? I know you say distance was the only factor that was decisive in your break up but for me if I loved someone, truly loved them, that would simply not enter into it and I would want nothing more than for us to be together. It's good you can discuss this with your partner but it must be agonising for her not knowing where your feelings really lie when she clearly loves you. If you care for her which I'm assuming you do as you're with her longer than your ex, do you really want her to suffer like that while you essentially make your mind up?

LegacyUser

Zulu wrote: »

Now, you've said what you currently have is a loving caring considerate gf, but you have siad if you love her.
Do you love her?

I'm not quite there yet, but I'm not saying it will never happen. I care for her a lot certainly.

SpookyDoll wrote: »

WHY are you going out with some one else........when you freely admit you are still in love with your ex?

Good question. I thought it might help me move on with my life and forget her

MagicMarker wrote: »

You've been wasting your current girlfriends time here for over 2 years

It's been 9 months since we first met

Aurora Borealis wrote: »

May I just say the girlfriend you have now is being extremely understanding and mature in how she's dealing with this. Are you sure your feelings for your ex are not rose tinted? I know you say distance was the only factor that was decisive in your break up but for me if I loved someone, truly loved them, that would simply not enter into it and I would want nothing more than for us to be together. It's good you can discuss this with your partner but it must be agonising for her not knowing where your feelings really lie when she clearly loves you. If you care for her which I'm assuming you do as you're with her longer than your ex, do you really want her to suffer like that while you essentially make your mind up?

My current OH is being very understanding and I don't want her to suffer, and I do try to consider her feelings. As for rose tinted feelings, that may very well be the case, ialthough I don't think so. I'm sure in these situations people tend to forget any bad things they may have felt and just focus on the good. How can I be sure I'm not viewing her with rose tinted glasses? Is that possible?