Relationship issue

Jayo23

I've been going out with a guy for seven months and we are very much in love! However he has cheated (kissed) on me with girls. Now the first one was more her fault as he is not out and she (a weapon) cornered him and hence I have forgiven him on that one, but the second one was all his fault and i witnessed it unbeknown to him despite us being on a night out together. He is not out and no one knows he is gay, (which he is 100%) hence we were in a straight club at the time. My dilemma is i'm gutted to see this and have said its over between us but seeing the way he was after taking the news has made me rethink it. In fairness to him he was quite drunk at the time ( not always a viable excuse, I know) and he has since said he wont drink again until he has matured or grown up more, (could take a while). He really doesn't want to lose me nor did I but this is a tough one.

So is it a case where it doesn't matter that he kissed a girl (and didn't like it, sorry for that joke) because of his sexual orientation or is it the case a kiss is a kiss no matter who it’s with?

Please advice me on this one as it's wrecking my head and I really don't know what to do.

Thanks.

BuffyBot

Jayo23 wrote: »

I've been going out with a guy for seven months and we are very much in love! However he has cheated (kissed) on me with girls. Now the first one was more her fault as he is not out and she (a weapon) cornered him and hence I have forgiven him on that one, but the second one was all his fault and i witnessed it unbeknown to him despite us being on a night out together. He is not out and no one knows he is gay, (which he is 100%) hence we were in a straight club at the time. My dilemma is i'm gutted to see this and have said its over between us but seeing the way he was after taking the news has made me rethink it.

Well to start with, it seems the basis of this issue is that he's not out, and may not be willing to be. As such he's going to stick his "heterosexual" act on when it suits him to avoid any uncomfortable situations.

So unless he comes out/announces he's no longer going to kiss people it would appear you're going to have to keep out of the relationship, or find a coping mechanism.

However, dumping him over this, seems a bit severe for people "in love", no? You haven't mentioned whether you've had discussions before you did that. As for him being 100% gay - well frankly, you can't know that for sure. Peoples sexuality can be very fluid. Just because he's doing guys now, doesn't mean there is no interest at all in women.

In fairness to him he was quite drunk at the time ( not always a viable excuse, I know) and he has since said he wont drink again until he has matured or grown up more, (could take a while). He really doesn't want to lose me nor did I but this is a tough one.

Bring drunk is a lousy, and not really good-enough-for-anything excuse. As for not drinking until he has matured - come on. How long is a piece of string? People don't just mature overnight.

Given the scenario you've presented, I suggest this relationship was never built of the most solid of foundations anyway, and you probably need to examine the whole thing - as this issue is only one of many I think you'll probably encounter if you keep going on the same path.

Rev Hellfire

Drinks great in that in many ways it let lets us see people as they really are, and I suspect here we're really seeing your friend. You say he's 100% gay, but from what you're saying it sounds to me more like he hasn't come out about been bisexual rather what you're hoping for.

Keeping that in mind it sounds like he's prepared to play the field, so if you're happy with that great, otherwise do what has to be done and dump them.

azezil

While I don't agree that alcohol brings out ones "true self" as it were, I think you're fooling yourself if you believe he's 100% gay, also you're fooling yourself if you think he won't do it again.

Ultimately its up to you, but I've seen guys like this before and they don't change, they continue to cheat with girls because they say it means nothing.

Dwn Wth Vwls

It sounds a bit to me like you're just doing what you think you have to do, and not really stopping to think about what you want. You seem pretty confident that he's 100% gay, so the reason he's kissing people is to keep up appearances as being straight I suppose. It doesn't really sound like cheating, but it is of course an issue you'll have to deal with. You need to really think about why it upsets you and what the real problem is.

Loving someone means accepting them as they are, and nobody is perfect. Successful relationships don't just happen by magic and you don't automatically have to dump him just because you hit a bump in the road. Talk to him honestly and find a way to fix it that suits you both. (Not drinking doesn't solve the problem, it just covers it up.)

ETA: Obviously if he's not just doing it to keep up appearances then it's a different problem because he's being dishonest with you.

Jayo23

Thanks for the replies,

As far as drink is concerned he doesnt drink that much but when he does he goes all out and hence the situation we are in.

As for 100% Gay, well put it this way the last few times he has tried to have sex with a girl, it just didnt work and he has had no problems with guy.

I'd like to think it was him displaying that he is straight to other people but we've kinda touched on it before and asked whether it was ok to score another girl to save face before we really come to terms with the whole sexuality thing and we both said no but it was more a passing conversation that setting down a rule as such. He did know the girl he kissed and I had met her before so the fact she wasnt having a bar of it ment he both humiliated himself in front of me and to the circle of friends she is in (if she tells people what happened).

As for love, I'd like to think this is just a bump but so often you hear of these situations and moving on from them only for the stakes to be bigger when the next bump is hit. He has assured, promised, sweared.... that it wont happen again but i'm still unsure as to whether i want to pursue something with baggage already creeping in.

Any thoughts?

Dwn Wth Vwls

Does he have a specific reason for not coming out? If he hasn't accepted that he's gay, then he can't really accept his feelings for you.

Jayo23

Up to now he has been worried about what other people will think and he has only just fully accepted he is gay earlier this year as before he hung onto the 'bi' thing to save face for himself. He now feels he is on the road to telling people and has moved in with gay people unbeknown to his immediate friends (who are from the country). Hence he is close to telling people and feels he could tell them with the support of me beside him.

Dwn Wth Vwls

I would say you should both work towards him coming out then. It would probably either solve the problem or clarify it.

Jayo23

Thanks dwn wth vwls, yeah i think he is gearing towards it but its a big step and sure we'll see how it goes. But your points have been the most constructive and valid.

Boston

Coming to terms with your sexuality is difficult, being in a relationship at the time is even more so. Kissing girls in an attempt to either figure out what you are or to deflect attention away from what you are is all part and parcel of initially dealing with being gay. Its sounds like he has a long way to go before he 100% accepts his sexuality* and he's going to make mistakes along that path which may end up hurting you.

*I don't really believe anyone 100% accepts their sexuality. You just get to a point where you're comfortable with who you are.