Thoughts??

LegacyUser

I am a Lesbian and a Garda. I feel there is a major conflict between these two identies. I dont ever feel that I will be entirely accepted into either community. I cannot see myself spending 30 years having to put up with gossip and conservative views at work. Dont get me wrong I love my job and feel its something I was born to do but ... Should I get out now while Im still young or stick it out never having a private life. I dont want to always be looking over my shoulder for a Garda who knows me (its like living in a small village theres always someone who knows you) when Im out socialising etc. I am out to my family and friends and I know that there has been some speculation about my sexuality at work. I just feel a bit confused and I dont want to waste my life never being accepted or having to hide that part of my life...

Sorry for the Randomness of this post. I would appreciate any thoughts/ suggestions...

Monkey61

Do you really think there would be a problem at work if your colleagues knew you were gay?? Have you had bad experiences with people's reactions before? I personally, couldn't imagine working with colleagues who didn't know my sexual preference, purely because these things come up in conversation and I couldn't spend my entire career never mentioning my girlfriend.

I only ask cos I wonder if it's perhaps just fear on your part, rather than any actual prejudice getting in the way of you comfortably and happily following your dreams?

I used to be slightly hesitant about mentioning a girlfriend to people I didn't know and in new workplaces, but as soon as I had done it enough times, it wasn't at all scary anymore.

I may be being totally naive, as i don't personally know any gardai - but are they by and large a more prejudiced bunch than in workers in other fields? considering this is the 21st century, I would have imagined that there are strict laws in place regarding any kind of discrimination in the workplace based on grounds of sexuality. I know that if anyone in my workplace flaunted a homophobic attitude, they would quickly find themselves out of a job.

That said, the only time i have ever been on the receiving end of any homophobic abuse, was at the hands of two gardai - but I took that to be a sign of two ignorant people as opposed to being representative of the guards as a whole. I'm still annoyed with myself for being young and silly and not filing bitter complaints!

lushballs

In my experience the older lesbian Gardai I know are hiding their sexuality, but they talk about how the younger lesbian Gardai are out & proud on the force. Why should you be deprived of a social life or a job you love & are probably good at? Sounds like you need to build up your confidence. Use your supports. Why not come out to colleagues you are close to and see what the reaction is before deciding to leave a job you love?

DubArk

I am completely out at work and would never hide that part of my life from anyone. I find that if people think that you’re trying to hide something it becomes a much bigger issue for you and them. You’re in a favourable position that you’re in a relationship and out to family and friends, this is such a strong foundation for you to move on with things. I can understand when you were in training college for the Garda that due to people sharing quarters and that it was the start of your career, you felt it wasn’t the time to come out; time and a place for everything!

Funny when I was younger a Garda car pulled aside of me and the two Garda inside abused me verbally for been gay? I actually met one of the Garda with my family not long after and confronted him on the issue, he denied that he was been abusive to me that night and I had misinterpreted them (Never stopped before or after by the Garda in my life.)

A few years later we met again through mutual friends and he approached me to apologise that he had been way out of order. We are now friends and would socialise together, I have met many in the force through this guy and I have to say the middle aged and younger Garda appear to me to be very forward thinking,(You'd know better I'm sure). They seemed to have much bigger issues in their lives then who you and I are sleeping with.

I really think it maybe a confidence issue with you. If you enjoy your job and this is the career path you want in life, give it up for no one.

Best of luck in you career! As they used to say in the Hill Street Blues (showing my age) “Be careful out there!”

Boston

It seems like a profession where trust is hugely important. Your very life could depend upon being able to count on the people you work with. If you're out at least you know where everyone stands on the issue and they in turn know where you stand.

Dwn Wth Vwls

I guess the question is, do you need people to accept you? If so, why? Your life is wasted if some people don't accept you... is that true? I don't think there's any job in the world that can guarantee a 100% acceptance rate, even LGBT people aren't always accepting. People are going to accept or reject you purely based on their own trivial criteria, you can't control that. By keeping a secret you're not being yourself, and are more likely to come across in a bad light. Especially in a profession that deals with liars on a daily basis I imagine.

If you're open and honest about who you are (not that you have to broadcast it), then people will usually respect that. The few who may not respect it, probably don't accept you anyway based on suspicions alone, or even just the fact that you're a woman. One more thing you can't change, nor should you have to.

You love your job, that's surely the most important thing. Your sexuality shouldn't come into it and I think you would regret acting out of fear. You shouldn't let the thought of what other people might be thinking put you off.

Amnesiac_ie

The fear of not being accepted at work is terrible. I experienced it a lot when I was a medical student. I convinced myself medicine was a conservative, gossipy and harsh world and that "coming out" would be career suicide and alienate me from both my senior colleagues and my peers.

The fear of that was dreadful.

The reality has been completely different. The vast majority of people simply have very little interest in who I sleep with it. Being out to my friends and colleagues in the workplace has had a positive impact in my life in several different ways. It's not something you need to scream from the rooftops but neither is it something you should be hiding and allowing to eat you up on the inside.

BettePorter

Banner12 wrote: »

I am a Lesbian and a Garda. I feel there is a major conflict between these two identies. I dont ever feel that I will be entirely accepted into either community. I cannot see myself spending 30 years having to put up with gossip and conservative views at work. Dont get me wrong I love my job and feel its something I was born to do but ... Should I get out now while Im still young or stick it out never having a private life. I dont want to always be looking over my shoulder for a Garda who knows me (its like living in a small village theres always someone who knows you) when Im out socialising etc. I am out to my family and friends and I know that there has been some speculation about my sexuality at work. I just feel a bit confused and I dont want to waste my life never being accepted or having to hide that part of my life...

Sorry for the Randomness of this post. I would appreciate any thoughts/ suggestions...

Why on earth would you leave the guards because you’re gay? If you were out socialising and were seen by another garda and got reported, could you get reprimanded for it? Or is it just the gossip thing? And who are you more concerned about the females or the males reaction?
I suppose it depends on what image you project in your work life. I mean do you portray yourself as someone who is straight or do you just never mention it either way. If you’re portraying yourself as someone who is so called ‘normal’ then the allowance is there for them to find gossip in the speculation that you may be gay. If you were open about it, nobody would comment on it because it would just be another fact. I say this because I used to get myself all worked up about the fact that I was gay and nobody at work knew and I became ultra paranoid about what I thought would be their prejudices and gossip mongering, so to compensate I would act like I was the biggest maneater in history, flirting with every male that moved in the office whilst never actually acting on it. if anyone had theorised I was gay it would be dismissed instantly due to the fact that I was seemingly ‘man mad’ even though in reality I was far from it. But this became a difficult story to keep up so when I got a new job I decided to just be myself and if someone mentioned something about it I would be blasé about it and say ‘that’s not really my thing’ or ‘he’s not really my type’ and if they came out and asked me outright ‘ why, are you gay?….. I would say, ‘yeah’. And the first time I did it was the most liberating thing I’ve ever done. Of course I didn’t get asked it too often as it wasn’t long before it was common knowledge but it was ok cause it was just another fact about the new girl. I can see how it’s different when you’ve been in a job for some time and your colleagues think they ‘know’ you. I don’t know an awful lot about how understanding the Gardai are of homosexuals in the ranks, I mean is it ‘frowned’ upon or can you be open about it if you so wish. At the end of the day, in any job, there are arseholes who will use any so called ‘ differences’ about people to compensate for there own inadequacies.

Royalclan

Well a friend of mine was a student Guard and she's a lesbian she was stationed in Wicklow, she used to get paranoid about going out in Dublin as thats where we used to head out, she was terrified of people in the force finding out that she was gay.
She finished phase 2 and completed phase 3 but when she got stationed she could take the unknown of people finding out, she went through a very bad time. She ended up leaving the guards and she couldn't be happier. She feels like she can actually lead her life without looking over her shoulder.

As I said dunno if this helps but your not on your own

Ps. Life is for Living, we shouldn't be in fear of the what ifs.
Grab it with both hands and have no regrets xx

anotherlostie

I know of two male gay Gardaí, and I imagine it would be even tougher to deal with the male locker room than the female equivalent. Working in a rural area can be very lonely and isolating for any closeted gay person so I would ask you can you work in Dublin or another city where it isn't a case where everybody in the community knows your name? Then you only have to deal with colleagues, and not Mrs Mutphy in the local shop asking after your love life every time you drop by!

Giving up the job you obviously love seems OTT to me.

Royalclan

anotherlostie wrote: »

I know of two male gay Gardaí, and I imagine it would be even tougher to deal with the male locker room than the female equivalent. Working in a rural area can be very lonely and isolating for any closeted gay person so I would ask you can you work in Dublin or another city where it isn't a case where everybody in the community knows your name? Then you only have to deal with colleagues, and not Mrs Mutphy in the local shop asking after your love life every time you drop by!

Giving up the job you obviously love seems OTT to me.

I don't think it makes a diffenece if your Male or Female as we all know Women can be right Bitches and Gossipers.
The Garda Community is not as big as you may think and in my experience you'll always meet someone who knows someone else :mad:

philologos

Banner12 wrote: »

I cannot see myself spending 30 years having to put up with gossip and conservative views at work.

I do see where you are coming from in a sense. However it seems that you want to run away from your problem instead of actually dealing with it. I can tell you now even outside of the Gardaí you will be confronted with conservatism just as much as conservatives such as myself will be confronted with liberalism. We should learn to be mature individuals and tolerate the viewpoint of the other.

Royalclan

I get ya when ya say that it doesn't just happen in the work place, but when it does happen in the work place it makes your job alot more difficult and make you feel isolated. When it outside it you don't have to listen or put up with stigma.

coolpaddy

Hey Banner12,
As a gay male guard in the job I can see where you're coming from. I'm not out to everyone in work but I am out to family and friends. I'm in the job a few years and I nearly came to the point of quitting a couple of years ago because of my sexuality. I got really hung up on the fact that I might have been seen as different and I was terrified of people finding out in work. I'm stationed in Dublin so I don't know if this is totally relevant to you if you're in a small country district.

Just to give you some background. I love my job. I've always wanted to be a guard. A couple of years ago (I wasn't long out of Templemore) I started socialising in Dublin gay bars. I was petrified of being seen in town by other guards. You know yourself how small the Garda circle is. Eventually it came to the point where it affected my work. I spoke to my Sergeants and eventually came out to them. Even that alone was a huge relief for me. I was lucky that they are 2 understanding and very open-minded individuals. The elder of the 2 surprised me completely. I thought he was a caveman!! It showed me that not everyone in the job is as backward and homophobic as we think. I told a few friends from Templemore too and while some of them were surprised they were all completely understanding. One guy didn't even bat an eyelid.

I know of a few gay guards who are out and have never been happier. Not one of them has complained of any ill feelings towards them. I know myself that if I were to come out to the lads and girls in the station tomorrow that it wouldn't be a problem. The way I see it is it's none of their business. I don't ask them who they slept with at the weekend so why do they need to know what I did. If the issue ever arises, which no doubt it will, I'll tell them. Until then I'll just leave them guessing.

I'd hate to see you or anyone for that matter give up a career they love. It's hard enough these days to find a job let alone one you really enjoy. I know there is always the few who will have a problem with it. But remember, the law is on your side (for the want of a better expression). I think you should speak to someone you're close to in work if that's possible. Even telling them will be a load off.

If I leave with nothing I want you to know that homophobia in the guards is not as prevalent as you might think/fear. After all out of every job in the country they deal with the most diverse range of people in society.

Best of luck, Banner12.

dreamer_ire

I do think that organisations like the guards/army etc are different to most workplaces. They are built on similarity and often are built on bravado and machismo to a certain extent. You have seen two sides here Banner, one person who left because of their sexuality and one person who it works for. I think it depends on who you are as a person and what is most important to you. If you think back to when you came out to someone who you really cared about who you really thought might turn your back on you, it's the same type of situation.... what's most important to you.

Either way this is your career and your life... take some time to think about it, is there a Gay Police Association in the Guards? I know there is in most UK police forces... maybe that might be someplace to start to get some honest feedback about being out. IMO being gay has helped me in some of my previous jobs and hindered me in others. The guards however is a career in itself and not "just a job". For me in the past when I felt it was hindering me it was relatively straight forward to move to a similar role in another company, this might be differnt for you.... unless you would consider moving to a different "more tolerant" Police Force.

Good luck in your decision, I wish you well and do let us know how you get on *s

Royalclan

A guard was everything I wanted to be, well used to be, when i joined I was 21 and I had just come out to my family and friends everything was ok till I went into Phase 4 I got stationed in Dublin I met a few of my fellow workmates while I was out they did not know at the Time I was a lesbian, well needless to say when I went into work the FUN (for them) started, I became so isolated and I felt like an outcast, I didn't give up I thought it might pass that they would grow tired of it, ah to be honest it just got worse. I even went to my superior and he just laughed it off. I continued with my job as I didn't want to give up the one career I loved so much but It got to a stage it was affecting my work and more importantly my health. I lasted just over a year in Phase 4. I know I made the right the decision now as I am much happier that I don't have to hide who I am no matter what I do be it in work or in college.

JupiterKid

Has a gay and lesbian group been actually set up in the Gardai yet? I had heard talk of one being "in the works" but nothing concrete. It's well overdue at this stage if it hasn't. Thi is just the type of support network that the OP would find very useful.

The UK has had a gay police association for 18 years - isn't it time that the Gardai have one too?

grotty

I know 4 or 5 lesbians who are in the Guards, and I know that they are not out in work. For one person in particular it is because she is afraid of getting blocked. I find this a little crazy, as she knows of no instance where this has ever happened in the past, so she is expecting the worst without reason. The rest choose not to discuss it, but feel that their workmates probably already know anyway.

OP - How your workmates react really depends on the sort of people they are. If you get on well with them as people and they try to slag you after you have come out to them, it will be very hard for them to keep it up, if you are honest with them and you tell them that their reaction is upsetting you. People are more accepting every day. Best of luck with what ever you choose to do. I hope for you that you decide to come out though, because it sounds as if it is really effecting your private life - and you just dont get paid enough to have to put up with that ; )

Lastly why do you say that you feel like you wont be accepted into the Gay community?