I seen my wife kissing another guy

LegacyUser

Ok bit of background i have been happily married 10 years in my mid 30's with 2 lovely kids recently i seen my wife kiss a guy as i was collecting her at an early xmas due. My wife has always been devoted and this has come as a devasting shock to me. I confronted her the next morning and she is disgraced and cannot remember a thing.

I am finding it hard to cope with this tbh and i am confused my wife is deeply apolgetic but i am unsure what to do. My heart says stay but my head says go, i am a very proud man abd the thought of anyone doing this to me in particular someone who i have spent a third of my life with is devasting.

Advice please and no smart comments as i am not a foolish teenager!!

ASIL1983

Did she seem really drunk on the night? Is that why you didnt confront her until the next day?
If so, coupled with the fact that she is very apologetic, maybe you would just be better trying to forget about it and move on.
If she didnt seem that drunk after you seen her kissing the other man then i would have a harder time forgetting it.

dotsman

Firstly is this a "peck on the cheek", a "kiss on the lips" or a full "tongue-twister"? Did you fully see it or was it just from afar and looked like they were kissing?

Secondly, when she says she doesn't remember anything, is it that she doesn't remember anything from that night or just the kiss? Do you know who the guy was? Was it a randomer or someone known to her?

Whatever you do, I wouldn't make any decision on what to do just yet. Ultimately, any decision you make now will have huge consequences, so shouldn't be made on a whim. Watch your wife's reactions over the next few weeks. Is she truly remorseful? Spend the time asking yourself if you can ever regain the trust.

LegacyUser

Yes she was really drunk and it was a full on kiss, pretty sure she does not know the guy. She is very remorseful but my head is completly wrecked

LegacyUser

you're not leaving your wife for just 1 silly kiss, that is not worth it!
i would be devistated as well and also because she cannot remember a thing ..
but leave it be and see it as a mistake. she is in shock as well
please don't put your happily marriage into trouble just because of this

PeakOutput

Unregistered5 wrote: »

l
please don't put your happily marriage into trouble just because of this

the wife is the one who has done that already

however although under any circumstances other than your married id advise getting rid in this case it sounds like you should give her a second chance. not remembering is bull**** imho and you will have to give it a few weeks to see how she reacts. any sign of her changing from remorse to shes the victim would be a big problem for me

its a tough one man i hope it all works out for the best

I would give her a chance, i might be wrong, but the fact that she knew you were collecting her and still did this would indicate that she was very very drunk, now this is absolutely no excuse for what she has done, but it would lead me to believe that she is genuinely remorseful. Everyone makes mistakes, some worse than others, and I myself have been the victim of these mistakes and I know how bad it can be to get over, but you can get through it, my one piece of advice, is that if you decide to work it out, do so, and then try to move on, you will have to put it behind you for it to work.

Best of luck xx

Chucky the tree

This whole "it's only one kiss" is a load of bollox in my eyes, so is the "well she was o drunk so it isnt that bad" . It's one kiss you've seen her do, god only ****ing knows what she got up to before that when you werent around.

And the next time she goes out drinking, how do you know she isnt going to get just as drunk and "conviniently" not remeber sucking some lad off around the back of the club?

I'd be out of there.

LegacyUser

Only you can answer the question of whether or not you can stay with her.

Personally I wouldn't be too bothered but thats because I wouldn't be at all surprised to see something like this happen. Women in nightclubs, especially with drink involved, are acting on their emotions and do not stop to think. So if it feels good, its OK. That's why she kissed the guy. We are seeing a lot of these types of posts on this board and lads need to realize why this is happening.

Lads never kiss other girls in front of their partners, we are actually acting off logic. Whereas women are purely acting on their emotions and it "just happened".

The decision you have to make is how will this affect you long term. Will you be able to brush this off and forget about it or will you lose respect for yourself as a man (taking back a woman who did that, there is no positive way to spin it, you LOSE RESPECT for yourself).

Another point to note, if you DO decide to stay with her, which 99% of people do in your situation, is that SHE will lose respect for YOU. Consciously or subconsciously, you are going to lose respect in her eyes as a man for tolerating this so there needs to be a SERIOUS CONSEQUENCE for what she has done if you are going to take her back.

It's a tough decision. If you take nothing away from this post other than the next sentence, I will be happy...

Whatever you do, make sure its based on what your head tells you.

well it's not that easy to just "be out of there" when there's marriage and two children involved. And putting ideas in the OP's head that she's out doing this every time she gets drunk is completely unhelpful and very possibly completely untrue.

metrovelvet

You can get passed this. Don't do anything rash.

Beau x1

You've got to think of your kids, and how the separation would affect them.

If you didn't have kids, I'd be out of there personally. Maybe you should tell her that. It depends on how you feel, the whole situation depends on how you feel. None of us can tell you whether to break things up or to stay with her. Good luck.

Edit: In response to Beruthiel below me, no matter how 'small' a kiss is; it can still hurt equally as bad as anything else. The OP sounds calm, it just hurts him a lot and that much is obvious. He has a perfectly good reason imo to feel betrayed.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

My heart says stay but my head says go

First of all, take some time to calm down.
You are married with children, if you had found out that she was sleeping with someone else, then fair enough, you could contemplate leaving her with good reason.
But, this is just a kiss, now I know that seeing this could be very upsetting and you have a right to be mad at her, but to leave over this without trying to work through it would be silliness.
To throw away what you have over a drunken kiss is too much imo and I think you'll see that once you've had time to calm down and talk to her again about why she felt the need to do this.
With time, you will get over this and she's got some making up to do.

As for the people in this thread telling him to leave, I'm guessing you're not married with children, because to recommend such a rash response over this is irresponsible.
Please deal with the issue of the OP and quit trying to make it worse by suggesting all sorts, that is not helpful.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

First of all, take some time to calm down.
You are married with children, if you had found out that she was sleeping with someone else, then fair enough, you could contemplate leaving her with good reason.
But, this is just a kiss, now I know that seeing this could be very upsetting and you have a right to be mad at her, but to leave over this without trying to work through it would be silliness.
To throw away what you have over a drunken kiss is too much imo and I think you'll see that once you've had time to calm down and talk to her again about why she felt the need to do this.
With time, you will get over this and she's got some making up to do.

As for the people in this thread telling him to leave, I'm guessing you're not married with children, because to recommend such a rash response over this is irresponsible.
Please deal with the issue of the OP and quit trying to make it worse by suggesting all sorts, that is not helpful.

Thanks for the solid advice, although its "just a kiss" it hurts like hell and i feel betrayed, hurt, confused and so angry all at the same time. I have asked her to give me a few days alone as i do not want to be fighting with her in front of the kids as it would not be fair on them. I have lost trust in her and all sorts of thoughts "of has she done this before" keep crossing my mind.

What a ****ed up weekend

Bottle_of_Smoke

Unregistered5 wrote: »

you're not leaving your wife for just 1 silly kiss, that is not worth it!
i would be devistated as well and also because she cannot remember a thing ..
but leave it be and see it as a mistake. she is in shock as well
please don't put your happily marriage into trouble just because of this

That's assuming it is "just a kiss", might be an affair. How's he supposed to believe it's not no that he knows she's willing to cheat

And bollocks she doesn't remember a thing. People say "i can't remember a thing" so people will think "if she was so drunk she can't remember a thing she must have been so drunk she wasn't in control of herself"

I'd say have some time alone and maybe a private investigator spotcheck her in a few months. You're going to feel really crap if you find out in a few years she's properly cheating

MagicMarker

God this is such a horrible position to be in.

OP, I tend to agree with people who say not to throw your whole relationship and family away over a kiss. However, in your position I know I would lose ALL trust, I would question whether or not this was the first time, I would question if she's gone further than a kiss and I would have doubts about her staying faithful in the future. Because, your wife is not the person you thought she was, and you cannot be sure of her fidelity, how many other times could she have forgotten the night before.

Drinking is no excuse, memory loss is no excuse. She's supposedly a mature adult, wife and mother, to allow this to happen is a complete and total show of disrespect.

There is no such thing as 'just a kiss'.

If you think you can put this behind you and eventually forget about it, because that's exactly what you will have to do if you want this relationship to last, then you should do so. But you need to make it clear to your wife that there's no second chance and that she needs to work to regain your trust.

carlybabe1

Bottle_of_Smoke;57765531]That's assuming it is "just a kiss", might be an affair. How's he supposed to believe it's not no that he knows she's willing to cheat

Because he says himself in his first post that she has always been devoted to him

And bollocks she doesn't remember a thing. People say "i can't remember a thing" so people will think "if she was so drunk she can't remember a thing she must have been so drunk she wasn't in control of herself"

You must be one of the few people who have never gotten so drunk that some/all of the night is missing...give it time

I'd say have some time alone and maybe a private investigator spotcheck her in a few months. You're going to feel really crap if you find out in a few years she's properly cheating

this is sssooooo silly, apart from the obvious waste of money, you dont get to step in and out of a marriage, especially one where theres kids involved, its not a revolving door system.
If she was being unfaithful all the time then he would have some idea, and even if he didn't if he has to resort to a pi, then he may as well throw in the towel as the trust is completely gone

op i think that you should stick with it and not do anything rash. sure your pride is hurt but look at it for what it is, a drunken kiss and nothing more...theres only so many times that she can apologize, and its getting close to christmas, ****ty time to walk out on your kids

woop

treat her how you would expect to be treated if you done what she did

seanybiker

If she cant remember anything from that night,whats to say she has done this loads of times before and "cant remember" doing it. I could be wrong and this could be the first time. Hopefully the last.
If it was me I would hunt down the fella that kissed her and kick the licing crap outta him.
Im not married and dont have kids so I cant give my 100% answer in your prediciment.
Im with my girlfriend a few years now and if I seen ehr kissing another fella I would go mental and kick me man all over the gaff and go mental on the missus, not hit her or anything, thats just wrong.
If you decide to give her another chance, keep her on a tight leesh for a while until "if ever" you can trust her.
Main thing is, that if you stick with her, then thats your choice, just dont the stupid thing and bring it up everytime you have an argument.
Whatever you do I wish you the best of luck in your choice.

Chucky the tree

seanybiker wrote: »

If it was me I would hunt down the fella that kissed her and kick the licing crap outta him.
Im not married and dont have kids so I cant give my 100% answer in your prediciment.
Im with my girlfriend a few years now and if I seen ehr kissing another fella I would go mental and kick me man all over the gaff and go mental on the missus, not hit her or anything, thats just wrong.

I never really got this mentality, if it really did happen the way the OP wife said it did, then it's hardly the other guys fault. There's probaly no way in hell he would of known she was married/had a fella.

Wibbs

Forum rules and charter wrote:

Suggesting violence as a problem solver is just not on in this forum and will result in an instant banning.

seanybiker banned for a week.

LegacyUser

seanybiker wrote: »

If she cant remember anything from that night,whats to say she has done this loads of times before and "cant remember" doing it. I could be wrong and this could be the first time. Hopefully the last.
If it was me I would hunt down the fella that kissed her and kick the licing crap outta him.
Im not married and dont have kids so I cant give my 100% answer in your prediciment.
Im with my girlfriend a few years now and if I seen ehr kissing another fella I would go mental and kick me man all over the gaff and go mental on the missus, not hit her or anything, thats just wrong.
If you decide to give her another chance, keep her on a tight leesh for a while until "if ever" you can trust her.
Main thing is, that if you stick with her, then thats your choice, just dont the stupid thing and bring it up everytime you have an argument.
Whatever you do I wish you the best of luck in your choice.

Not proud of it but i did sort the guy out at the time, again my wife cannot remember this part. She rarely drinks and when she does its always in moderation. I think if it was not the length of time invested and the history we have together and the kids i would be out of here.

empirix

well its just one kiss and she was pissed, my head would be wrecked too but it is just one kiss, so id go with it, shed be banned from future do's though, until i got my trust back!!

Wibbs

Chucky the tree wrote: »

I never really got this mentality

Neither have I, it's among the best examples of idiotic logic in some men(and women). I could understand, but not condone that attitude if it was an actual friend involved, but a stranger? Daft.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

Not proud of it but i did sort the guy out at the time, again my wife cannot remember this part.

If this does happen again, don't for gods sake "sort the guy out". Biiiig mistake and not just the part about violence being bad Mkay. Two reasons, if she's one of those attention seeking women that like men fighting over her, she needs help. If she's not, beating up some bloke will ironically make you look weaker in her eyes. What you're telling her is that your ego is fragile and you need to resort to thumping a stranger for something she has done and let her get away with.

carlybabe1

If you decide to give her another chance, keep her on a tight leesh for a while until "if ever" you can trust her.

What is she, a dog??? You cant do this with people and expect them to respect you

Main thing is, that if you stick with her, then thats your choice, just dont the stupid thing and bring it up everytime you have an argument.
Whatever you do I wish you the best of luck in your choice

++1 really good point

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

If this does happen again, don't for gods sake "sort the guy out". Biiiig mistake and not just the part about violence being bad Mkay. Two reasons, if she's one of those attention seeking women that like men fighting over her, she needs help. If she's not, beating up some bloke will ironically make you look weaker in her eyes. What you're telling her is that your ego is fragile and you need to resort to thumping a stranger for something she has done and let her get away with.

Pretty sure he works in her workplace and would know the situation with her being married and having kids, still i take your point in hindsight it was the wrong thing to do but i just went into a blind rage.

Muggy Dev

Unregistered wrote: »

i just went into a blind rage.

....and how did your wife react to you "sorting" the other guy out,both at the time and on the drive home?

Nision

This is an issue of trust, do you trust her?
You should be keeping a very close eye on her, as you just dont know.
Also if the guy works with her, knew she was married and made a move, you might want to ask her to move jobs to prevent a reoccurance. If shes truly remorseful she wont mind doing this to save the relationship.
This would also be a "severe consequence" to ensure she dosnt lose respect for you.

tantipie

could it not be the fact that this girl was so drunk that some guy took advantage??? i dont think leaving the marriage for one kiss is worth it,,you need to try and trust her and talk over the insecurities which are now in the relationship because of this drunken night,,best of luck,,

Chucky the tree

Unregistered wrote: »

Yes she was really drunk and it was a full on kiss, pretty sure she does not know the guy. She is very remorseful but my head is completly wrecked

Unregistered wrote: »

Pretty sure he works in her workplace and would know the situation with her being married and having kids.

carlybabe1 wrote: »

What is she, a dog??? You cant do this with people and expect them to respect you

Act like an dog, get treated like one.

Chucky the tree

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Act like an dog, get treated like one.

I'm guessing you've been hurt before by the level of anger in your posts, but this isn't about you.

I am asking others to please stop putting the thoughts into this mans head that his wife is a serial cheat, you have absolutely no proof of this, and it is very unfair reinforcing thoughts that the OP already has which could be totally untrue, he needs to find these things out for himself without a pack of strangers telling him that she is probably always at it, and that it could have been an affair!

I am so sorry that you are in this position, but your request of a few days alone is definitely a good option, don't throw everything away over a kiss, if, after a while of trying to work it out, you still find that you can't get over it, then that's a different matter and will certainly need to be looked at differently but for your own sake, try to work on it, you clearly love this woman and if she loves you as much as you love her then you can get through this. I am talking from experience here.

MagicMarker

Deleted User wrote: »

I am asking others to please stop putting the thoughts into this mans head that his wife is a serial cheat, you have absolutely no proof of this, and it is very unfair reinforcing thoughts that the OP already has which could be totally untrue, he needs to find these things out for himself without a pack of strangers telling him that she is probably always at it, and that it could have been an affair!

The guy has to face facts here, she cheated, in all likelihood he would have never known about it had he not seen it for himself. No one knows anything has happened before, but to completely deny that it may have happened more than once is just ignorance.

Aidric

Chucky the tree wrote: »

And the next time she goes out drinking, how do you know she isnt going to get just as drunk and "conviniently" not remeber sucking some lad off around the back of the club?

Lol.

Beau x1

The problem is, it's very hard to get trust back once someone cheats. It's going to be very hard for the OP to feel confident that she won't stray when she goes out by herself..and this is going to lead to a ton of arguments, believe me.

I don't think being drunk is any excuse for cheating. Even in that state, you're always aware that you're taken. Being locked only lets you do things while caring less about the consequences in that moment and time. I could understand if the guy 100% gobbed her and she was too intoxicated to think of moving away, but it's not like that.

So this cannot be taken lightly. But at the same time it's a very silly thing to end a marriage with two kids over.

It's not as black and white as "Act like a dog, get treated like one". There are two kids in this marriage, and they've been with each other for a substantial amount of time. He can't simply walk away like that, it's not a highschool relationship.

Chucky the tree

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm guessing you've been hurt before by the level of anger in your posts, but this isn't about you.

Anger? More like realistic. I just found it funnyy that Carly was going about how the person who cheated on him should be treated with repect. People in life should act like how they should be treated.

I am asking others to please stop putting the thoughts into this mans head that his wife is a serial cheat, you have absolutely no proof of this, and it is very unfair reinforcing thoughts that the OP already has which could be totally untrue, he needs to find these things out for himself without a pack of strangers telling him that she is probably always at it, and that it could have been an affair!

We dont have proof that she isnt a serial cheat either. What we do have is OP catching his wife kissing another man, and he would never of found out unless he lucky drove up at that very moment. Now, since I'm rather found a bet every so often, I wouldnt be putting my money on the "this is a one off and robaly has never happened before" side of things.

I am so sorry that you are in this position, but your request of a few days alone is definitely a good option, don't throw everything away over a kiss, if, after a while of trying to work it out, you still find that you can't get over it, then that's a different matter and will certainly need to be looked at differently but for your own sake, try to work on it, you clearly love this woman and if she loves you as much as you love her then you can get through this. I am talking from experience here.

Realistically, Do you think the OP would be able to stay in at night knowing his wife is go out on a girly night out with 100% confidence she wont get into the same drunked mess and score some guy again?

rotinaj

My gf had 'just a kiss' during the summer at a work thing. I forgave her. Now the main problem I have and you will have, if you forgive her is trust.The next time she heads out without you, are you going to be sitting at home thinking about what she is up to? Thats the hard bit for me.

I would never suggest you throw 10years of marraige away over a kiss, but its not up to me, its your decision to make, no matter what anyone here says.

You may be able to forgive her but can you forget?

IRISH RAIL

So the guy is from her workplace ?

i would have to look further into this there could be something else here going on, he knew she was married so it wasnt a random kiss.
I wouldnt be happy about her and him working together imo it wouldnt be unjust asking her to change her job if she wont then why ? probably because she wants to see this guy.
the trust is gone now it will take a long long time to rebuild it and it can be easily lost again in a moment of paronoia you both have to be 1000% committed to make a marrige last, and she has shown she is easily capable of breaking that trust.

dotsman

IRISH RAIL wrote: »

So the guy is from her workplace ?

i would have to look further into this there could be something else here going on, he knew she was married so it wasnt a random kiss.
I wouldnt be happy about her and him working together imo it wouldnt be unjust asking her to change her job if she wont then why ? probably because she wants to see this guy.
the trust is gone now it will take a long long time to rebuild it and it can be easily lost again in a moment of paronoia you both have to be 1000% committed to make a marrige last, and she has shown she is easily capable of breaking that trust.

Changing her job might be a bit extreme in today's climate! Yes, ideally it would be great if she could just walk away, but, depending on her career, this could mean her being unemployed for a while (possibly long term) and have her career suffer permanently. You might say that this doesn't matter and she deserves it etc, but in time it could cause resentment on her behalf, and further strain an already strained marriage.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

I think if it was not the length of time invested and the history we have together and the kids i would be out of here.

Do you love her?
Because the above statement over one drunken kiss mistake is a strange one from someone who does.

killwill

I would be interested to know how she was on the way home after picking her up?

MagicMarker

MagicMarker wrote: »

The guy has to face facts here, she cheated, in all likelihood he would have never known about it had he not seen it for himself. No one knows anything has happened before, but to completely deny that it may have happened more than once is just ignorance.

I completely agree that she may have cheated, but there are too many posters saying that she probably has, and there is no proof to this effect, yes, the OP needs to establish whether she has done it before or not, but do you honestly think that by people saying she must have done it before will help in any way? I haven't once said she hasn't, I'm just saying she may not have, and that is as strong a possibility as the contrary.

To Chucky the tree, you may not put your money on it, but you don't know the person, or the situation, that is all that I am saying, it will be extremely difficult to trust ever again after this, but, it may be a case that, if the wife is genuinely remorseful, she will take the necessary steps to gain back her husbands trust, for example knowing her limit when it comes to drink etc.

I'm not on the wifes side here at all by the way, as I've said in two previous posts I have experience of this and I know how devastating and heart breaking it can, all I'm saying is she may be telling the truth, and it can be dealt with and you can come out the other end a strong couple.

dlofnep

No offense, but that whole "I can't remember" stuff is nonsense. She can remember, but she's too chicken to own up to the responsibility of what she did.

She cheated on you. Kick her to the curb. You should have kicked the almighty crap out of the guy when you saw it.

Silverfish

dlofnep banned for a week.

MagicMarker

Deleted User wrote: »

Do you love her?
Because the above statement over one drunken kiss mistake is a strange one from someone who does.

Yeah, that statement must mean he must not love her! :rolleyes:

What does that say about her?

[Jackass]

I find "just a kiss" difficult to accept. And I can't blame lads for being paranoid about their girlfriends going out on the lock with the girls and worrying if things happen, because I've seen it so many times!! Everywhere I've worked before, something major like this has happened. In my previous job there was a girl engaged to be married who was sleeping with a guy for a few months, I've seen a girl who has a boyfriend for 5 years sleep with a guy from the office a couple of times, both times sober, I've seen so many girls I know (work colleagues - not particularly "friends" although I'd talk to them in work and stuff all the time) out who have boyfriends and kissing other people, I mean it's mental!!

I've trusted every girl that I've gone out with and I've never accused any girl of cheating on me and as far as I know none of them ever have, but I wouldn't be surprisd to learn a few did. It just seems par for the course.

There's a deeper issue here with women. When a man cheats I think it is a very concious thing. No matter how drunk you are, you know if you kiss a girl or anything more that it's inceribly wrong and you would be cheating if you did it, so for 90% of guys they are in control and don't do it. I'd dare say the % of women who cheat is a lot higher - granted they get approached a lot more by men than men would get approached by women, but still!!

OP, if it was me, I don't know what I'd do. It would make me sick to the stomach and I can completely understand your comments about being a proud man etc., and this comes as a bitter blow to the relationship. Can it ever be the same again?

I would suggest talking to her about moving job. I wouldn't want my wife or girlfriend hanging around with somebody all day that they've cheated on me with and I don't think you should be expected to tolerate it. I'd let her know how serious it is and I'd forgive her because of your situation BUT I'd let her know that if she ever did anything like that again, you would leave her and she would be responsable for leaving a family in ruins.

After that, you'd have to be able to trust her again. I think that would help let your gaurd down again and if she's truly sorry then it wont happen again. If she's not sorry or does it again, then you can leave with the piece of mind that you gave this a full oppertunity to recover from this. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

Don't think about what has gone on before, it's unlikely anything happend, but don't drive yourself crazy thinking about it. Draw a line in the sand with her from this point on and only look forward. Then by the sounds of it you can trust her again.

Best of luck OP and give her a second chance, we all make mistakes, but let her know this can never happen again.

Muggy Dev

I asked the question two pages ago of the OP.I´m still waiting for a reply.....

What did your wife say when you...?
a) arrived on the scene
b) assaulted the man
c) during the long drive home

Wibbs

Muggy Dev don't badger the OP. Yes more info is always welcome, but it's the OP's issue and up to him if he wants to give it or not. If you have a problem with this take it to PM, Don't get into it on thread.

IRISH RAIL

Muggy Dev wrote: »

I asked the question two pages ago of the OP.I´m still waiting for a reply.....

What did your wife say when you...?
a) arrived on the scene
b) assaulted the man
c) during the long drive home

Yes i think thats vital to find out if she seen her husband than the whole i dont remember thing hasnt a hope

Muggy Dev

Wibbs wrote: »

Muggy Dev don't badger the OP. Yes more info is always welcome, but it's the OP's issue and up to him if he wants to give it or not. If you have a problem with this take it to PM, Don't get into it on thread.

Apologies Wibbs....and I mean no disrespect to the O.P.

PixelTrawler

Unregistered wrote: »

She rarely drinks and when she does its always in moderation.

Was this drinking very out of character? She remembers nothing? Was it very strange for her to get so drunk she blacked out...
Could her drink have been spiked with something? Its possible, and she wouldnt even know. It can also alter behaviour.