An outside opinion...

LegacyUser

A few years ago, I was going out with a girl, but for several reasons we broke up. The breakup was amiable and we stayed in contact for a few months, before gradually drifting apart and losing contact. 3 years passed and since then I have moved to a different city and everything was going fine. This brings me to a few months ago, when we bumped into each other again and got back in contact, exclusively over text messaging. It should be noted that she went through an ugly breakup during this period.

A few weeks later, we decided to meet up for a few drinks and while I had no intention of anything happening since I was now living in a different city, one thing led to another etc...

We put it down to Alcohol and haven't really spoken about it since, but here lies the problem: since then she has been texting me pretty much every day for months. Over time, we have become good friends again. Some of the messages are just about how her day is going, others are about her family stuff, and many are definitely of the flirtatious variety. That said, some are also looking for advice on other guys and the like (which, as her ex, is hard enough to get my head around). I'm not sure how I feel about her in that way anymore, but you can see how it is a bit of a headwrecker when she's overtly flirting with you one minute and asking you for guy advice the next.

Don't get me wrong, I am delighted we are in contact and friends again, but I can't help wondering what her intentions are. Any thoughts?

St Bill

Unregistered wrote: »

A few years ago, I was going out with a girl, but for several reasons we broke up. The breakup was amiable and we stayed in contact for a few months, before gradually drifting apart and losing contact. 3 years passed and since then I have moved to a different city and everything was going fine. This brings me to a few months ago, when we bumped into each other again and got back in contact, exclusively over text messaging. It should be noted that she went through an ugly breakup during this period.

A few weeks later, we decided to meet up for a few drinks and while I had no intention of anything happening since I was now living in a different city, one thing led to another etc...

We put it down to Alcohol and haven't really spoken about it since, but here lies the problem: since then she has been texting me pretty much every day for months. Over time, we have become good friends again. Some of the messages are just about how her day is going, others are about her family stuff, and many are definitely of the flirtatious variety. That said, some are also looking for advice on other guys and the like (which, as her ex, is hard enough to get my head around). I'm not sure how I feel about her in that way anymore, but you can see how it is a bit of a headwrecker when she's overtly flirting with you one minute and asking you for guy advice the next.

Don't get me wrong, I am delighted we are in contact and friends again, but I can't help wondering what her intentions are. Any thoughts?

You're her ex, it was an amicable split so she probably feels comfortable enough to do some harmless flirting and/or talk about guys with you. She might look on you as a brother figure now.
Either that, or she's a head-wrecker and she's trying to make you jealous. You went out with her, you should know if she's the type to be playing games

AARRRGH

Unregistered wrote: »

Don't get me wrong, I am delighted we are in contact and friends again, but I can't help wondering what her intentions are. Any thoughts?

I reckon you're her security blanket - a nice guy she can trust who will reassure her and remind her that she's not alone.

metrovelvet

BE careful. You're on your way to becoming the cuddle buddy.

SpookyDoll

I'd guess she is chopping and changing her mind herself constantly.

Her intentions are lukewarm and I think she has you in a "holding pattern" at the moment while she wonders what else might come along, I dont mean that she is premeditating all this, most likely doing it semi-consciously. Not that that makes it right.

Just a womans point of view....pure guesswork of course. But if I was you I wouldn't waste too much energy on it, because you want someone who is full on into you rather than this grey area business!

Wibbs

AARRRGH wrote: »

I reckon you're her security blanket - a nice guy she can trust who will reassure her and remind her that she's not alone.

I reckon everyone has this pretty much spot on. I have a couple of women mates(they're like sisters basically) and when they split up with whomever I get more of the social calls and invites. I would say a lot of women just need a guy in their life, socially and for emotional support(these mates admit it too). More than men need (non sexual)women that's for sure. More women go from one relationship to next to boot. Nothing wrong with that, it's just the way it is with many.

Ex boyfriends are even better for this, as in many cases the guy holds a torch. Cue even more of an ego boost. Now I almost guarantee she knows how you feel about her, more even than you do. She's flipping from flirting to other guy talk and it's keeping you off balance. Like SpookyDoll I don't think she's consciously doing this. It's usually not a conscious thing.

The thing is you're enabling her to do this. You may not be consciously doing that either, but I suspect you are. I'd call a halt to the whole thing frankly. If she's not an actual friend and or you're not getting the leg over then I'd just ease off the contact.

Now if you want to stick around for your own reasons and you want this to level out and stop wrecking your head, well simply call her on it. Don't get stroppy or anything, but if she brings up other men, then just change the subject in a happy way. If she pushes(and she will) then just laugh and tell her that she should be asking her girlfriends about this stuff. If she gets flirty, then just joke along the lines, "stop people will talk" and "I'm interested in another woman and you never know who is watching". Keep it jokey.

Don't be surprised if she escalates the flirty guff though. She likely will as she will know that'll have the most effect in bringing you back to the type she wants you to be. Stand your ground.

evil-monkey

metrovelvet wrote: »

BE careful. You're on your way to becoming the cuddle buddy.

+1

Dinter

I would never, ever, ever, speak to any of my exs about my current relationship issues unless:

A: I wanted to chance my arm on a fling.

B: I wanted to sound out getting back together.

I don't care how amicable your breakup was nobody needs to go ringing exs to find someone to talk to just for reassurance. That's what your friends are for.

She is texting you flirty messages when she's feeling gamey and wants to know where you are mentally with being together.

She is texting you normal everyday messages to try remind you of her existence when she's not feeling confident enough to be gamey.

She is texting messages about other men to make you jealous and to try and make you realise how attractive she can be.

Seriously man, she probably thought the one night stand would give you the idea and as it didn't she's moved to this. Not to sound like an arrogant twat but in a situation like this I would look beyond the mere words of a text because unlike a phone call every one of them has been chosen for a particular purpose. No one texts random stuff to exs.

Anyway, if you want to make a move on this you should arrange to meet up I'd say you'll be happy out.

Time out

Sounds like she just likes the comfort of having a guy to text about whatever she feels, I wonder would they stop if her (or you) started going out with someone. It is a bit headwrecking though. As a bloke I think we always take things at face value.....

Redpunto

Of course you will always have some feelings for the girl, especially if things ended to well but only you can tell if you really like her or not in that way. If you do then unless you want to get hurt youll have to break contact. If you just want to be friends then stay that way and dont cross the line again.

yermandan

I agree with all of the above OP. What do you want from this? Do you know? What were the reasons that you broke up?

It sounds like mind-games to me and the sooner you figure out exactly what you want, the sooner you can make the correct decision to either move forward or cut all contact again

LegacyUser

Thanks for the above posts, the outside opinion really helped clarify the situation in my own mind. She has never seemed like the "game playing" type so I doubt its a conscious effort on her part. To the above OP, we broke up due to lack of time on both parts.

Koushki

Like everyone else has said, She's just using you. I wouldn't bother if i were you.

Aidric

Sounds like an easy lay when you feel like it to me. And the problem is?

qz

Aidric wrote: »

Sounds like an easy lay when you feel like it to me. And the problem is?

I never thought I'd say this but a quick shag would probably be the worst thing to do. Going on the situation provided by the OP, it can never be an easy lay anymore, unless the two actually go back to exclusive relationship status.

And if this girl doesn't even know what she wants when she's flirting in a text how will she know what she wants when she's got her ankles in the air? It'd be bad news for both.