No sex on first date guy is gone!!!

LegacyUser

Hey ladies,

I have been on a few dates now, I am in my early 30s and I am not into one night stands, however I feel that when I meet guys and they dont get what they want sexually they have no interest in me and make excuses saying they dont want to get into anything heavy. Its happened a good few times now and it really is getting me down......

Maggie Simpson

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey ladies,

I have been on a few dates now, I am in my early 30s and I am not into one night stands, however I feel that when I meet guys and they dont get what they want sexually they have no interest in me and make excuses saying they dont want to get into anything heavy. Its happened a good few times now and it really is getting me down......

So many questions I want to ask you. Where to start!

First of all, you say that you've been on a few dates. Where do you meet these guys? What sort of dates are you going on?

Secondly, I know from asking lots of male friends, it doesn't really matter. Most guys have told me that if they are really into a girl, whether they have sex early on or not is irrelevant. If they want to see the girl again, they'll want to see her. There needs to be something that really interests them about a girl and then they'll see her again.

I'm not saying that you're not interesting - just that you've met the wrong kind of guys/guys that you don't have that much in common with. Don't beat yourself up about the sex thing. It comes naturally to some people to hop into bed on first dates - not for others. Do what feels right for you.

If you had slept with these guys, you still probably wouldn't see them again. It's ironic really cause most girls think that they don't hear from guys after they sleep with them on first date. And you think it's caused by not sleeping with them.!

Zascar

set the expectation before the date that you are not a one time girl and he will have to work for it... 2nd or 3rd date maybe etc. If he's not willing to wait that long then you probably don't want to be dating him at all...

AnonoBoy

Zascar wrote: »

set the expectation before the date that you are not a one time girl and he will have to work for it... 2nd or 3rd date maybe etc. If he's not willing to wait that long then you probably don't want to be dating him at all...

No. Don't tell him in advance that he's not getting any until the 2nd or 3rd date because that will set up the expectation that he will get it then.

If a guy isn't happy to go on a few dates with you if you're not going to bed him straight away then he's not interested in a longer relationship. Seriously - if he's into you then it shouldn't bother him that much.

lily lou

I have to agree with the OP, similar situation I'm in my early 30's too and not a 1 night stand type of girl, I've been on dates that I've thought have gone really well- conversation flowed, date lasted several hours etc (in one case we met around 7 and left each other at 2am, didn't drink a huge amount so was fairly sober at the end of the night and we'd chatted and laughed all evening, yet never heard from him again) so the only conclusion I can come to is that they didn't get what they wanted so I obviously wasn't worth it!!

Now in my opinion they're not worth it and I'd rather be with someone who wanted me for who I am not what I give them, but it does get very frustrating, I've actually given up telling people when I have a date cos it's embarrassing when you say how great it went and have to admit a few days later that you haven't heard from him.

Carrigart Exile

Maggie Simpson wrote: »

So many questions I want to ask you. Where to start!

First of all, you say that you've been on a few dates. Where do you meet these guys? What sort of dates are you going on?

Secondly, I know from asking lots of male friends, it doesn't really matter. Most guys have told me that if they are really into a girl, whether they have sex early on or not is irrelevant. If they want to see the girl again, they'll want to see her. There needs to be something that really interests them about a girl and then they'll see her again.

I'm not saying that you're not interesting - just that you've met the wrong kind of guys/guys that you don't have that much in common with. Don't beat yourself up about the sex thing. It comes naturally to some people to hop into bed on first dates - not for others. Do what feels right for you.

If you had slept with these guys, you still probably wouldn't see them again. It's ironic really cause most girls think that they don't hear from guys after they sleep with them on first date. And you think it's caused by not sleeping with them.!

Excellent maggie, agree with everything you say. As a guy, if I am in to you then sex on a first date is not an issue, I'll want to see you again. I wonder if OP you are setting out a '3 year plan' for a relationship on the first date and scaring the guys off.

Madame Razz

Valid points raised here already....

Do you remember those Mr Frosty machines years ago?? They looked freakin great. Santa Claus brought one to loads of us kids in the eighteeeeees, and we couldn't wait to get our hands on it. Frenzied ripping off of the wrapping paper, opening of the box, setting the thing up blah blah. Except it was a heap of crap that didnt work particularly well, and the slushies were disgusting, and we were all bored of it by the end of the day, and the replacement rollerskates, which were nothing compared to the Mr Frosty machine(we thought) became the real hero of the season and you played with them til June!!

Why? because the novelty had worn off the Mr Frosty machine pretty quickly, its was all sluch and no substance, but you knew what to expect with the rollerskates. First night sex is like that. what you see is what you get, but in the aftermath you may realise you didnt ever want it in the first place??!!

I still think that sex on the first date still holds a stigma for a lot of Irish men; and I do think that a lot of men are out for what they can get and will spin any sort of tale to get it, hell they'll be like Parkinson except with added charisma and jazz hands for a few hours if it means they'll get the lay. I don't think its necessarily intentional in all cases, I think its a 'Mr Frosty' experience; Heck, women can have them too!! we act now, think later. And impulse is good, occassionally, but not so good perhaps with a bottle of pinot grigio and 6 pints of arthurs thrown in for good measure!!! It tends to skew those impulses!!

In my experience men who genuinely like a girl and are genuinely interested in her usually will TRY to hold off initially if they can, now sometimes that doesn't always work out, as alcohol etc can play a large part, but usually, they do try to hold off; especially if it is somebody they have only met- (entirely different if the person has already been a friend or whatever.) But I think when men like a woman they form some sort of respect/regard for her; which, though they find her hugely attractive, makes them want to try to hold off if they can. I suppose you could say they focus on the person rather than the pussy for once???

I have been with men on the first night, and I genuinely think it has set the tone for the whole relationship. In fact, it makes it less about the person and more about the sex.

A little bit of waiting can be worth it, on both sides. You can establish whether you like the guy or not, whether you really get on once you get past that shiny veneer. If you actually have anything in common...at all. And if it works out, you enjoy it all the more, and if it doesn't, well, one can walk away with legs closed and dignity intact.

Don't worry OP, all the assholes make it easier to spot the diamonds;)

Matt3

lily lou wrote: »

I have to agree with the OP, similar situation I'm in my early 30's too and not a 1 night stand type of girl, I've been on dates that I've thought have gone really well- conversation flowed, date lasted several hours etc (in one case we met around 7 and left each other at 2am, didn't drink a huge amount so was fairly sober at the end of the night and we'd chatted and laughed all evening, yet never heard from him again) so the only conclusion I can come to is that they didn't get what they wanted so I obviously wasn't worth it!!

Now in my opinion they're not worth it and I'd rather be with someone who wanted me for who I am not what I give them, but it does get very frustrating, I've actually given up telling people when I have a date cos it's embarrassing when you say how great it went and have to admit a few days later that you haven't heard from him.

How can you just presume that the fact that the guy hasn't contacted you that 'they didn't get what they wanted'? or that you weren't 'worth it'?

As another male poster has said in another thread, believe it or not, we're all not obsessed with trying to get you into bed the minute we lay eyes on you/ or get into converstaion with you.

You say there that you've been on dates where you've got on very well with the guy, so i'm assuming you've both previously swapped numbers..if that's the case then why is the onus on the guy to contact you? People lead busy lives these days...

There's bugger all wrong with the girl contacting the guy, to ask him if he'd like to go on another date. It will give you a better indication of where you stand, if he likes you he'll agree, if he doesn't he'll let you know in a civil way.

The Corinthian

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey ladies,

Why are you asking this of women? I would have thought a male perspective would be better - unless you're just venting.

I have been on a few dates now, I am in my early 30s and I am not into one night stands, however I feel that when I meet guys and they dont get what they want sexually they have no interest in me and make excuses saying they dont want to get into anything heavy. Its happened a good few times now and it really is getting me down......

You're in your thirties, not teens, so sex should not be the same 'big deal' as then. Of course, this does not mean that you should sleep with a man on the first date, but if it feels right, neither should you refuse to do so either.

Honestly, outside of exceptional circumstances, sleeping with someone on a first date is probably not advisable. My view is that, while fun, you really want to at least once be able to spend some time with the other person, then go home and assess what you think of them so that you can decide if you really like them or not. That does not mean that sex on a first date is always a bad idea (almost all of my longest lasting relationships began with sex on the first date), but in my view, unless it really feels right, you should wait a little while.

I underline little because in the dating market, it is a question of supply and demand. People look for certain things from the other party; be it sex, commitment, physical appearance, character or whatever. We weigh up the pros and cons and, importantly, we consider the alternative. And the alternative to a woman who will make a man wait is one who will not, so even if he likes you, if the sex part does not work, then the relationship will fail.

Of course a man may wait indefinitely for a woman to be ready for sex too, as has been suggested. Unfortunately, this is generally not because of the Mills & Booms scenario that he's truly smitten though. Normally, it's because he's got no alternative.

Matt3 wrote: »

How can you just presume that the fact that the guy hasn't contacted you that 'they didn't get what they wanted'? or that you weren't 'worth it'?

A very good point. It really might have nothing to do with sex.

AARRRGH

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey ladies,

I have been on a few dates now, I am in my early 30s and I am not into one night stands, however I feel that when I meet guys and they dont get what they want sexually they have no interest in me and make excuses saying they dont want to get into anything heavy. Its happened a good few times now and it really is getting me down......

You have an excellent system - don't change it. By not having sex immediately you are filtering out the assholes.

Seriously, don't change what you're doing, it's working.

calahans

I have never heard of a guy who would not start a relationship with someone because they would not have sex on the first date. If anything some guys think its not a good sign (fragile male ego thing).

I have heard of guys getting pissed off if there is no sex and that's what they were looking for. If I met someone I was really interested in there is no way that I would not want to meet her again, sex or no sex. It's a no brainer!

I have been on first dates were I didn't really think I wanted to go on more dates, but I was gentlemanly enough to try not to show it.

The Corinthian

calahans wrote: »

I have heard of guys getting pissed off if there is no sex and that's what they were looking for. If I met someone I was really interested in there is no way that I would not want to meet her again, sex or no sex. It's a no brainer!

How long? Second or third date? Three months? Six? Marriage?

Realistically - unless you're asexual, deeply repressed, or have no alternative - there's a limit. This may vary from man to man (or woman to woman as there are some guys there driving women up the wall with lack of sex too) but no matter how much you like a girl, there are limits to how long you should wait.

AARRRGH

The Corinthian wrote: »

no matter how much you like a girl, there are limits to how long you should wait.

Yes, and being unable to wait for more than one night means you're either a weirdo or an asshole.

I think the OP is lucky - she is finding out sooner rather than later what the guy is like.

I knew a girl who refused to make guys wait longer than one night. As a result she was utterly miserable and became angry with men. Silly.

calahans

The Corinthian wrote: »

How long? Second or third date? Three months? Six? Marriage?

Realistically - unless you're asexual, deeply repressed, or have no alternative - there's a limit. This may vary from man to man (or woman to woman as there are some guys there driving women up the wall with lack of sex too) but no matter how much you like a girl, there are limits to how long you should wait.

If you look at the thread title and content you'd see that the OP is talking about a first date. I dont think that people would argue that most normal people would not hangaround for weeks/months.

The Corinthian

calahans wrote: »

If you look at the thread title and content you'd see that the OP is talking about a first date. I dont think that people would argue that most normal people would not hangaround for weeks/months.

I saw that, however it's one of those topics that keeps on cropping up here. As I said, I don't think you can state that you should put a timeframe, but I do think too quickly (on a first night) is bad, as is too slowly. Given this, I also don't think it should be written in stone.

Personally, I wouldn't on a first date, would on a second or third and would raise an eyebrow if it didn't happen thereafter. Sex is important - part of a relationship is knowing if you're sexually compatible, after all.

AARRRGH wrote: »

I knew a girl who refused to make guys wait longer than one night. As a result she was utterly miserable and became angry with men. Silly.

And I know one who would sleep with a man on the first night if she liked him enough, never had issues with this and she's quite happily married now. Conversely, I've known others who will make men wait and, now in their late thirties, they - and their three remaining eggs - are still waiting.

You get all sorts, TBH.

AARRRGH

The Corinthian wrote: »

And I know one who would sleep with a man on the first night if she liked him enough, never had issues with this and she's quite happily married now. Conversely, I've known others who will make men wait and, now in their late thirties, they - and their three remaining eggs - are still waiting.

You get all sorts, TBH.

Of course, I wasn't trying to suggest there is only one type of person in the world.

My point was the OP shouldn't change herself to suit the assholes of this world - it'll just make her miserable.

Zirconia

The Corinthian wrote: »

Personally, I wouldn't on a first date, would on a second or third and would raise an eyebrow if it didn't happen thereafter. Sex is important - part of a relationship is knowing if you're sexually compatible, after all.

I'd agree with this myself; don't expect anything on the first date, but I would expect us to be getting somewhere by second or third at least, if it was as important for her as it was for me. If not, then I guess we aren't meant to be, we have different sexual expectations, and going out any longer than this won't fix this in the long run; fundamental differences.

But on the original thread I'd re-iterate wouldn't expect to be getting to sex on the first date at all.

lily lou

Matt3 wrote: »

How can you just presume that the fact that the guy hasn't contacted you that 'they didn't get what they wanted'? or that you weren't 'worth it'?

Well if a date seemed to go well and lasted a lot longer than the few drinks we arranged to meet for you do have to wonder what the problem was!

Matt wrote: »

You say there that you've been on dates where you've got on very well with the guy, so i'm assuming you've both previously swapped numbers..if that's the case then why is the onus on the guy to contact you? People lead busy lives these days...

There's bugger all wrong with the girl contacting the guy, to ask him if he'd like to go on another date. It will give you a better indication of where you stand, if he likes you he'll agree, if he doesn't he'll let you know in a civil way.

I have no problem being the first to contact a man after a date and have done so in the past and got no reply. I don't think the onus should be on the guy to make the first move at all, but I do think that no matter who makes the first move that the other party should let them know if they're not interested.

The Corinthian

lily lou wrote: »

Well if a date seemed to go well and lasted a lot longer than the few drinks we arranged to meet for you do have to wonder what the problem was!

Quite often it is a case of weighing up the pro's and cons the next day and deciding that it's better not to pursue a relationship. People are fickle.

It might have nothing to do with the other party either; for example, couple get on very well on a date and kiss at the end. The next day the girl, who got out of another relationship a few months earlier, decides she's not ready for another one, even though she liked this new guy. Cue cold shoulder.

AARRRGH

I would be interested to hear the answer to both of these questions:

Are they blind dates?
Does the guy make and move and do you turn him down?

LegacyUser

TBH I'd have less respect for a woman who put out on the first date and would no longer consider her a possibility for a long term relationship.

Anything after the first date is cool. Like another poster said, keep doin what your doin OP cause ya ARe weeding out the A55holes.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I'd be far less likely to see a girl as relationship material if she slept with me on the first night

AARRRGH

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I'd be far less likely to see a girl as relationship material if she slept with me on the first night

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if she slept with me on the first night. Not everyone who sleeps with someone on the first night is a slapper (what is a slapper anyway?) or diseased.

Galvasean

If a guy leaves you because you wouldn't put out on the first date, well you probably aren't missing out on Mr. Right.

RoosterIllusion

Sex on the first date is important. I think that at your age sex should be something that doesn't have to be met with dating rituals of no first date sex or whatever. So I can see why the guys left you alone.

The Corinthian

Galvasean wrote: »

If a guy leaves you because you wouldn't put out on the first date, well you probably aren't missing out on Mr. Right.

TBH, if a guy leaves you because you would 'put out' on the first date, as some have suggested here, well you probably aren't missing out on Mr. Right either.

Reesy

Just a thought: in what way exactly are you saying 'no'?

Do you think the men in question get the idea that you're keen but not ready yet, or that you're just not into them in that way, at all?

LegacyUser

AARRRGH wrote: »

Yes, and being unable to wait for more than one night means you're either a weirdo or an asshole.

I think the OP is lucky - she is finding out sooner rather than later what the guy is like.

Is that true tho' or are you and the OP just assuming that's why they never called back.

Madame Razz

Reesy wrote: »

Just a thought: in what way exactly are you saying 'no'?

Do you think the men in question get the idea that you're keen but not ready yet, or that you're just not into them in that way, at all?

This is actually an extremely valid point.

Perhaps the OP should evaluate the type of signs she is giving out to her potential suitors. Sometimes us girls are guilty of sending very mixed messages unbeknownst to ourselves, or, subconsciously, known to ourselves.

Its a curious thing though. How much is too much, and how little is too little??

You may describe somebody as overkeen, but only because they seem overkeen to you, and your feelings for them are insignificant,therefore any amount of attention from them is irritating. Funny that 'balance' is only ever reached when both parties actually like each other.

I still think waiting a little while is good idea, I think waiting too long is a BAAAAD idea, but as in business, rash decisions with regard to sex and relationships rarely pay off, in the medium/long term at least.

MH

Daithi McGee

The Corinthian wrote: »

TBH, if a guy leaves you because you would 'put out' on the first date, as some have suggested here, well you probably aren't missing out on Mr. Right either.

+1

Plus the fact she posted here means he was probably right.