Does he deserve better?

LegacyUser

This is been playing on my mind for a while and is really starting to upset me.

I have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years. He is finished college and I am in my final year. In the past 3 years of college I was always really shy and suffered from depression. I never went out socialising, had no friends and had very very poor self esteem. My OH loves me unconditionally and thanks to him my confidence has gone through the roof, I like who I am, I no longer suffer from depression, I'm excelling in college and in the past two months, without sounding full of myself, I have become quite popular.

I am also going out socialising a lot more and have a great group of friends who I met at the beginning of this year. The majority of them are single. When I'm out, even when I'm out with the people who aren't single I find myself wishing I was single so that I could live the single life a bit. That's as far as it goes though. I never flirt with guys and never get touchy-feely with the guy friends I have, like I don't go around holding hands with them or hanging off them. I don't even dance sexy with them. I always think about how my boyfriend would feel if I did something and if I think it would upset him I wouldn't do. So for that reason I don't go back to house parties with lads or anything like that and if a guy approaches me I'll chat away with him, cause that's the kind of person I am, but I always drop the fact that I have a boyfriend into the conversation as soon as possible so I don't lead them on.

I love my boyfriend dearly and miss him so much during the week but I keep having a yearning to be single. I'd be heartbroken if we ever broke up and really see a future with him. I have never cheated on him and the thought has never even crossed my mind but I can't help but feel he deserves better, deserves someone who isn't missing the single life. I try and rationalise it by saying that I've been going out with someone all through college and that I'm only 21 so it's only natural that I might be feeling a bit edgy, and I also know that I only feel this way drunk and would never act on it, but I still feel horrible for feeling at all. Does he deserve better or is this only natural?

IRISH RAIL

From that it sounds as the alcohol is acting as a deppressant for you.
maybe head out without drinking ( tell your friends your on medication or something) and at the end of the night see how you feel,
if its the same maybe spice up your relationship a bit you havent long left in college now and it would be a shame to waste your relationship.

nomorebadtown

Totally natural.

You are 21, in college and surrounded by young happening singltons.

When you met, your bf wasn't interested in whether you were confident or 'popular', he seems to have been really into you, plain and simple. With the help of his unconditional love over the last 2 years, your confidence has blossomed, allowing your new friends to get to know, accept and like you.

It seems like that over the last while you have come to realise that your bf has served his function and is now holding you back. You crave the single life. Flirting, sexy dancing, going back to house parties with boys. And who would blame you?

You need to end things with him. But don't try and dress it up to make it look like you are doing it for him because he 'deserves better'. The break up will be for you and it will probably hurt him very deeply.

Good luck.

Poloman

I completely disagree. If you finish it with him you will regret it, maybe for the rest of your life.

If you do see a future with him then you need to sit yourself down and tell yourself what you have to lose for the rest of your life for a bit of fun for one or two college terms.

Write down what you like about him and why ye are good together.
Now write down all the things you yearn for.. ie a bitta hows your father with a few lads you will never see again.

My opinion is you are going through a confused patch and you need to mature a bit. If you say you love him then hang on to him. He obviously stuck by you through thick and thin. Believe ne he would love to shag every piece of ass he meets as well but he doesnt as he loves you.

Wibbs

I have to agree with poloman. In my years knocking around, I've seen way too many women(and men) regret leaving their first really adult big love. You would be surprised how common that is in older types, even those married with kids to other people. OK if there's damn good reason, then let go, but this doesn't sound like it. I've also seen them trying to look for that same set of feelings in themselves with and another person/people and not find it. BTW This is not me being some romantic numpty, it's just what I've seen. Consider this very carefully.

LegacyUser

Did anybody read my post?

I wanted to know if the way I was feeling was natural or was I a bitch for feeling like that. I never said I wanted to break up with him, in fact I said I'd be heartbroken if we ever broke up. I also said I never act on missing the single life and have never considered cheating on him or cheated on him. All I wanted to know was if other people in long relationships ever missed the single life and was it natural.

ChocolateSauce

IRISH RAIL wrote: »

From that it sounds as the alcohol is acting as a deppressant for you.
maybe head out without drinking ( tell your friends your on medication or something) and at the end of the night see how you feel,
if its the same maybe spice up your relationship a bit you havent long left in college now and it would be a shame to waste your relationship.

Alcohol doesn't make you depressed, it depresses (or de-sensensitises) your body.

IRISH RAIL

ChocolateSauce wrote: »

Alcohol doesn't make you depressed, it depresses (or de-sensensitises) your body.

What is the connection between depression and alcohol?
We know that there is a connection – self-harm and suicide are much commoner in people with alcohol problems. It seems that it can work in two ways:

you regularly drink too much including (including ‘binge drinking’) which makes you feel depressed
OR

you drink to relieve anxiety or depression

Either way:

Alcohol affects the chemistry of the brain, increasing the risk of depression.
Hangovers can create a cycle of waking up feeling ill, anxious, jittery and guilty.
Life gets depressing – arguments with family or friends, trouble at work, memory and sexual problems. link
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfo/problems/alcoholanddrugs/alcoholdepression.aspx

I think thats a moot point as it affects your brain if it causes or just accelerates depression when you thinking something like the op it can certanly change a ratioal tought into an orrational tought

pookie82

getbetter wrote: »

Did anybody read my post?

I wanted to know if the way I was feeling was natural or was I a bitch for feeling like that. I never said I wanted to break up with him, in fact I said I'd be heartbroken if we ever broke up. I also said I never act on missing the single life and have never considered cheating on him or cheated on him. All I wanted to know was if other people in long relationships ever missed the single life and was it natural.

Yes, it's totally normal. If you're not intent on acting upon it and are quite sure that you don't want to break up with your OH then it's really no harm and nothing to stress about. Sounds like you spent a few years as an introvert who suffered from self esteem issues and now that you're recovering and finding your feet socially, the reality of what's out there is hitting you and you're keenly aware that there are many opportunitites to play the field and try other people out. This makes sense and doesn't reflect badly on you, unless you take action, which you've assured us you won't.

So I don't really see a problem. Unless with your age. You are very young to be with the one for life. I'm not saying it can't and doesn't happen but it may be the start of you beginning to think differently about what you want in a future.

Sonderval

To mirror other peoples points here: the grass is not always greener on the other side.

EamonnKeane

nomorebadtown wrote: »

Totally natural.

You are 21, in college and surrounded by young happening singltons.

When you met, your bf wasn't interested in whether you were confident or 'popular', he seems to have been really into you, plain and simple. With the help of his unconditional love over the last 2 years, your confidence has blossomed, allowing your new friends to get to know, accept and like you.

It seems like that over the last while you have come to realise that your bf has served his function and is now holding you back. You crave the single life. Flirting, sexy dancing, going back to house parties with boys. And who would blame you?

You need to end things with him. But don't try and dress it up to make it look like you are doing it for him because he 'deserves better'. The break up will be for you and it will probably hurt him very deeply.

Good luck.

That is astonishingly callous: "Take love and support when you need it, but remember, it's unconditional love! No responsibility or loyalty required!"

LegacyUser

nomorebadtown wrote: »

Flirting, sexy dancing, going back to house parties with boys. And who would blame you?

Re-read my post. Those are three things I said I NEVER do.

Alice1

getbetter wrote: »

Did anybody read my post?

I wanted to know if the way I was feeling was natural or was I a bitch for feeling like that. I never said I wanted to break up with him, in fact I said I'd be heartbroken if we ever broke up. I also said I never act on missing the single life and have never considered cheating on him or cheated on him. All I wanted to know was if other people in long relationships ever missed the single life and was it natural.

Well your post is a bit confusing; you say you find yourself wishing you were single, and that you keep having a yearning to be single - yet you love your boyfriend dearly.
I'd agree with Irish Rail - give up the alcohol and see if you feel differently.

Best of luck

homerun_homer

Alice1 wrote: »

Well your post is a bit confusing; you say you find yourself wishing you were single, and that you keep having a yearning to be single - yet you love your boyfriend dearly.
I'd agree with Irish Rail - give up the alcohol and see if you feel differently.

Best of luck

I don't think it's weird that you feel this way but I will say that I think you will majorly regret breaking up just for the sake of it. Even if you have the dream in your head that one day you'll get back together, it won't be the same.

LegacyUser

getbetter wrote: »

I have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years.

I had no friends and had very very poor self esteem.

... thanks to him my confidence has gone through the roof, I like who I am, I have become quite popular.

I find myself wishing I was single

I'd be heartbroken if we ever broke up but he deserves better,

I'm only 21

Your words.

LegacyUser

you know i have to say that i disagree with a lot of people here... the problem is that unless you've had a similar experience yourself you dont know what the underlying problem is only the sugest problem that the person comes up with in that situation... i would consider seeing a counsellor about it and see if you can tease out more then just that....

for me i was in a relationship a while back with someone far too old for me (im male btw) and i reckon i did love her despite what problems we had. the problem with us is that our relationship was not built on a solid healthy foundation. we have certain needs that we need to fullfill and certain ones that should and others that SHOULDNT be fullfilled by relationships... your self esteam and things that are core to your personality should not be intwined in a relationship. such things are more suited to (when at a young age) parents and then people of either friends or guardians, mentors which can guide you on a path to carving your image... but when you have a relationship that is more suited to parent and child (in a way where you are feeding off the other in the relationship) there is a natural tendency to grow away and mature... what i would sugest (as this is purely my own understand and should NOT be followed without reference to a trained counsellor) is that you should analyse not what hes given you but what he gives you and where you would be if he left. make a list of what parts of your life are connected with his and how he effects you. Im very much open to the fact that i may be incorrect but please explore all the possabilities with a trained professional

nomorebadtown

nomorebadtown wrote:

Flirting, sexy dancing, going back to house parties with boys. And who would blame you?

getbetter wrote: »

Re-read my post. Those are three things I said I NEVER do.

I read your post fine. Yes, these are things you never do but you clearly wish you could do (your desire to try the single life.)

Wagon

Yes, these feelings are perfectly normal. But, the important part is that you dont act on them. If you feel like you would lose too much if you broke up with him then don't do it so.

Irishcrx

You sound like me a few months ago, wanted the single life had been in a relationship too long wanted to expierience new things and not see life pass me by. So I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years and broke her heart in the process, we had our ups and downs so that came into it aswell but we remained on good terms and I went off and enjoyed the single life only I soon came to realize that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be, grass is always greener on the other side.

I'd advise you to think it through and see what you have to loose , I made a big mistake and it's my cross to bear as shes with a new guy now and has moved on, it breaks my heart but he seems a decent bloke and I wouldn't try and get involved and hurt her anymore she deserves better. Think about it OP.

evil-monkey

i'd imagine that pretty much every single person knows how you feel. it's only natural. if you wana stick with ur boyfriend, do. the want to be single when you're out socialising will always be there...but just remember, when the clubbing is over, your relationship won't be. it'll still be there, when you do and don't need it.

orlyice

ok its perfectly normal to want to be single every now and again. it doesnt make you a bad person, plenty of people i went to college with felt like that and they acted on it while their bf were none the wiser. you dont need to feel guilty about it, as long as you dont cheat or get emotionally dependant on another guy you're ok.

it is hard to be around other singletons and see the fun and excitement they have in clubs and pubs, but that only lasts that night when the meet and flirt with other guys. if you love him as much as you say it does then the great feeling of being in love will last a lot longer and be much stronger than the thrill of single life. i know its hard when you are young. i did the whole single life for the first 3 years of college and met my OH at the start of 4th year. my final year in college was def the best.

dont beat yourself up over wanting to be single and when you do think about it just remember what a great relationship you have now and dont thng that someone deserves someone better than you when you have done nothing wrong

LegacyUser

orlyice wrote: »

ok its perfectly normal to want to be single every now and again. it doesnt make you a bad person, plenty of people i went to college with felt like that and they acted on it while their bf were none the wiser. you dont need to feel guilty about it, as long as you dont cheat or get emotionally dependant on another guy you're ok.

it is hard to be around other singletons and see the fun and excitement they have in clubs and pubs, but that only lasts that night when the meet and flirt with other guys. if you love him as much as you say it does then the great feeling of being in love will last a lot longer and be much stronger than the thrill of single life. i know its hard when you are young. i did the whole single life for the first 3 years of college and met my OH at the start of 4th year. my final year in college was def the best.

dont beat yourself up over wanting to be single and when you do think about it just remember what a great relationship you have now and dont thng that someone deserves someone better than you when you have done nothing wrong

Thanks for being one of the only ones to answer my question.

Everyone has been telling me that I will really regret breaking up with my boyfriend and break his heart etc etc but I NEVER said I was going to break up with. I just wanted to know if anyone here in a long term relationship ever missed the single life from time to time. I was out last night and my friends were telling me that they admired how much I love my OH. I asked how they knew how much I loved him and they told me I talk about him all the time, with a huge smile on my face, and still talk about him like we've just met. I spoke to them about sometimes missing the single life but they pointed out that at I go home as soon as possible on a weekend to see him and come back as late as possible so I can see him as much as possible.

They also pointed out that it isn't the single life I miss during the week, it's him. I miss having him beside me to enjoy all the good times I'm having and so I get lonely which is making me think I miss the single life. I'm used to only ever going drinking with him and suddenly I'm doing it by myself.

I won't lie, sometimes I do miss being single a bit and a small bit of me misses having that rush of when you first meet someone new, but I love my boyfriend more than anything and the long-term, unquestioning love we have is worth ten times the feeling of meeting someone new for the first time. I won't be leaving my boyfriend any time soon nor will I ever cheat on him.