Confused and

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm in my mid 30's and was dating a girl for the last 10 months who is also my age. We had broken up once already for about 3 weeks. We broke up again recently and realised we missed each other and loved each other and began seeing each other again.

However this time she said she would only take me back on condition I show commitment and that she wants to be pregnant by the new year. I was a little surprsed but she had talked about kids before. However the ultimatum shocked me a little. I stupidly agreed and went along with the idea for a few weeks until I couldnt do it anymore. I told her that i had changed my mind and thought it too soon to have kids expecially as our relationship was not rock solid (what with 2 break ups). So now I have been dumped and have been made to feel in no uncertian terms like a piece of crap. She says that I strung her along for the last 10 months and that they were a complete waste of time.

I really do miss her but I dont think I should go back if I do not feel comfortable with the previous arrangement. I think she is letting her obsession with haviing a child cloud her judgement. She has the age thing on her mind and says she cannot wait any longer to have a child. It seems to be now that she is using me to be some sort of surrogate father and that the outcome of our relationship is secondry to her giving birth.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is he behaving normal or is there a deeper issue?

dudara

Why did you break up the first few times? And why in the name of God's Earth did you go into a relationship with such a threat/ultimatum hanging over you?

LegacyUser

10 months and she wants you to have a kid together.

I am of a similar age and think that I'd be waiting a couple of years in a relationship before deciding to have a child.

It does sound like she just wants a kid and you are just the sperm donor.

Are you even living together?

Phlann

She sounds like a fúcking nutjob tbh. One of those insane 30-something women for whom the ticking of her biological clock drowns out common sense.

Better off without her imo.

metrovelvet

The clock is ticking, soon to reach midnight. And yes cinderella will turn into an infertile pumkin who risks pumping out down syndrome babies.

While you may not be comfortable with the ultimatum, and understandably so, she is viewing things from a different vantage point.

If you don't want the pressure, find a younger woman, or a woman with kids who doesn't want any more. It's a reality many many face, both married and single men.

Yes 10 months seems pretty short, but people in their 30s make these decisions pretty quickly as well... half your life is over.

Auldloon

Have had a very similar situation alright and it completely turned me off the girl. Having a child is all well and good and something i would like to do someday but in a stable relationship and when everything else was securely in place.
Sounds like your better off without her and my advise would be stay away for good this time.

MIN2511

It's funny when you date someone your age, after a while you find out that you both want different things in life.
Note: I know this doesn't apply to everyone.

If you are not ready to settle down i suggest you move on, she clearly has her mind set on and she wants more from the relationship and there is nothing wrong with that.

I suggest leave her alone and move on, go find someone who isn't looking for commitment.

the_syco

Phlann wrote: »

She sounds like a fúcking nutjob tbh. One of those insane 30-something women for whom the ticking of her biological clock drowns out common sense.

Better off without her imo.

Agree 100% Stay well clear of her.

dreamer_ire

On the surface it seems like having a baby is her priority and possibly not your relationship. I can see when she's coming from in that she only wants you to cmooit to a long term r/ship however IMO this is the wrong way of doing it.

Had she said to you form the start that this was a priority for her within the near future she would have given you the chance of moving on at that stage. She obviously does not want to "waste time" on a relationship with someone who isn't looking in the same direction as she is.... that said this IMO is not the way to do it. If she's not for you, move on. She needs to find someone else as in her eyes she wants a baby very very soon.

Good luck with singledom... enjoy it and wait for the woman who is right for you!

MIN2511

Phlann wrote: »

She sounds like a fúcking nutjob tbh. One of those insane 30-something women for whom the ticking of her biological clock drowns out common sense.

Better off without her imo.

the_syco wrote: »

Agree 100% Stay well clear of her.

Thats a bit harsh,they broke up after 10months of dating and after 3wks he decided he wanted her back and when she gave him conditions which he initially accepted. After two weeks he decided he couldn't do it-no harm in that....

Society is cruel, her friends and family are probably pressurizing her about marriage and babies. And there is nothing wrong with what she wants, the last time i checked she's entirely allowed to her own feelings.....

She wants kids and he doesn't-HE SHOULD MOVE ON!!!!!

4Xcut

MIN2511 wrote: »

Thats a bit harsh,they broke up after 10months of dating and after 3wks he decided he wanted her back and when she gave him conditions which he initially accepted. After two weeks he decided he couldn't do it-no harm in that....

Society is cruel, her friends and family are probably pressurizing her about marriage and babies. And there is nothing wrong with what she wants, the last time i checked she's entirely allowed to her own feelings.....

She wants kids and he doesn't-HE SHOULD MOVE ON!!!!!

Yes there is. I think you mean that there is nothing wroing with wanting to have children but bringing children into a relationshi[ that is not stable itself is highly selfish and short-sighted. It's not fair on the child.

If 2 adults want to do whatever they want to do, fair enough but don't bring a child into it.

Curvy Vixen

I don't think that a 10 month, twice broken off relationship is the best start in life for a child.

You need to think about what you're doing...seriously.

Okay, you realise that you shouldn't have gotten back together on the back of an ultimatum and you called it a day, but no-one should be giving an ultimatum like that to anybody ~ would you really want this person to be the mother of your child...the woman you want to be tied to for the rest of your life? Making decisions for your child?

You need to walk away from this OP. You miss having someone in your life and that's fine but this isn't for you and you need to trust your gut instinct on this one.

And don't whatever you do go back there for one night for old times sake! Many a slip 'tween cup and lip and all that!

jaybo1

metrovelvet wrote: »

The clock is ticking, soon to reach midnight. And yes cinderella will turn into an infertile pumkin who risks pumping out down syndrome babies.

While you may not be comfortable with the ultimatum, and understandably so, she is viewing things from a different vantage point.

If you don't want the pressure, find a younger woman, or a woman with kids who doesn't want any more. It's a reality many many face, both married and single men.

Yes 10 months seems pretty short, but people in their 30s make these decisions pretty quickly as well... half your life is over.

half your life is over...

seriously.

she is viewing things from a different vantage point? like?

unmarried mother?
unstable relationship?
financial burden?

what?

Acoshla

jaybo1 wrote: »

half your life is over...

seriously.

she is viewing things from a different vantage point? like?

unmarried mother?
unstable relationship?
financial burden?

what?

the point metrovelvet is making is that she is viewing it from the mid 30's still hopefully fertile woman's position - she wants kids, knows she's running out of time, has spent 10 months grooming this guy for it and is terrified of being back to square one in her search for a father (or glorified sperm donor in your case because she must know her self this isn't the best start to a child-producing longterm relationship) before it's officially too late.

I'm not passing any judgement on her because it must be tough to see your dream of having a family getting less likely but at the same time, dude, jump ship, it's not a stable relationship to bring a child into and you and her would both regret it later, you're actually doing her a favour if you call it off and she might still find the right guy to have a family with

Karen_*

metrovelvet wrote: »

The clock is ticking, soon to reach midnight. And yes cinderella will turn into an infertile pumkin who risks pumping out down syndrome babies.
.

I really don't see why you had to bring a crude ref to down syndrome children into it at all. Although yes the clock is ticking for the woman.

OP it doesn't sound like its a healthy situation for either of you to be in. And I wouldn't respond to ultimatums especially not when involving babies. She doesn't love you. And she's desperate. Almost insanely so. I wouldn't advise you to get back with her. Missing someone doesn't mean they were great.

Bob the Builder

Phlann wrote: »

She sounds like a fúcking nutjob tbh. One of those insane 30-something women for whom the ticking of her biological clock drowns out common sense.

Better off without her imo.

whilst i hate to agree with you, I do agree. You speaks the truth.

metrovelvet

Karen_* wrote: »

I really don't see why you had to bring a crude ref to down syndrome children into it at all. Although yes the clock is ticking for the woman.

Its not a crude reference, it's a reality women in their 30s face. That is why in Britain and the US an amnio is de rigeur for women who will give birth by the time they are 35. With each passing year, conception gets harder and harder, and the chances of a healthy baby slimmer. And as you get older - if you haven't noticed- time speeds up.

The mechanics pushing the hands of the biological clock are run by these risks; harder time conceiving and higher risk of down syndrome. otherwise we'd all be having babies into our 50s and we wouldn't be hearing the tick tock until 45 or so.

You know - are you sure it was an ulitamatum? Or did you read it that way? In other words, I know plenty of men and women, who have said, this is what I want, time is running out, if you don't want to do this with me, then let me go and find someone else who will want to do this with me.

mrsdewinter

Karen_* wrote: »

Missing someone doesn't mean they were great.

Dead right. Give yourself some emotional space - something your ex should allow herself too. And I wholeheartedly agree with Karen's critique on Metro's Down's reference.

MIN2511

metrovelvet wrote: »

You know - are you sure it was an ulitamatum? Or did you read it that way? In other words, I know plenty of men and women, who have said, this is what I want, time is running out, if you don't want to do this with me, then let me go and find someone else who will want to do this with me.

Exactly my point, i don't see why she's being labelled as a nutjob. She knows what she wants and if he's not keen then he should move on!!!!



OP, it's quite simple-MOVE ON!!!

You may miss her, but what you miss is the companionship... Because if you really miss her and want her back you can compromise with each other.

the glass woman

You have GOT to already establish an equal, loving, and above all strong relationship with your partner before having a baby or there is no doubt about it that the relationship will not survive the first couple of years of rearing a child. It's the most stressful, difficult and worrying thing you will ever do, and it is such hard work, yet it is also the most rewarding, don't get me wrong, but it tests even the most secure relationship. We've had nights here spending hrs trying to settle our son, yelling and snapping at eachother in frustration, because lets face it you take it all out on your OH, and then the minute your baby falls asleep in your arms you both immediately switch to going all gooey eyed staring at him and eachother at the beauty of what you both created, and your love and respect for eachother. Its a rollercoaster of emotions which can so easily fill you with stress, resentment, exhaustion, unless you have the security of a loving relationship to support you.

Oryx

OP, you were right not to go ahead with the plan to have a baby with this woman. No matter what the circumstances or what the ultimatum is noone should go against their own gut instincts. It leads to pain and recrimination later on. You, her and especially the child would have suffered for it. So no regrets. You know you did the right thing, even if you feel like a sod about it. You werent a sod, you were being honest with yourself and her.

I do pity the girl. People may mock the auld biological clock, but its not a cliche, and unless you have felt that strange, overwhelming, and yes, practically insane urge, you can never understand how huge it is. Im not being flippant when I say that it is a kind of grief, and hurts massively.

But she was wrong to put an axe over your head because of her need. And you were right to break up.

Vyse

OP, if it's not what you want move on.

As men I don't think we can ever understand the overwhelming urge that women have to mother children. Let's face it, it's instinct, survival of the species. I don't condem her for her feelings, I think they are only natural. But the way she approached the whole subject seems ludicrous.

To be honest, she probably only has a few more years to be a mother and if you're not inclined to be a father then walk. Nothing is going to change for her.

The Corinthian

Walk away. No, run.

Your relationship to date has been relatively short and unstable, so realistically the chances of the relationship failing are pretty high. If this happens and there's a child in the mix, then you're pretty much screwed. You will either find yourself as a weekend father (possibly with ongoing conflict with the mother) or simply a chump paying maintenance for the next 18 - 23 years.

Her primary goal is having a child, not a relationship. The relationship might work out, it might not, but ultimately having the child is the most important thing to her. All other priorities, including you, are recended, and if things don't work out you will simply end up as an asset; financial and to aid in the care of the child, where possible.

So move on. Seriously, you don't want to go there. Trust me on this.