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Some quick advice needed: Trouble with my flatmate and his girlfriend

  • 21-10-2008 6:55pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi all,

    I'm a regular user, but I'm going to go unregistered for this one. I'd really appreciate some feedback/advice on a problem I'm having at the minute.

    I have been living with a guy for a year and a half now, and we've got along quite well. Two months ago, however, he began dating a girl. Now it seems as though she is here constantly. I know in the grand scheme of things this is a minor problem, but it is starting to have an affect on my standard of living. Also, I just broke up with my own girlfriend of two years. This has been upsetting in itself and I've really needed my own space. (Also, did I mention that in all that time, she never overstayed her welcome in the flat?)

    His girlfriend is here constantly lately, and they more often than not occupy the living area. I'm left feeling like a third wheel in their company, as my options are sit with them and watch what they're watching on TV or just hang out in my room (which I end up doing). Essentially she sleeps here, they hang out, she leaves for work in the morning, and is back in the flat after work. The flat is nice, but small, and definitely meant for two as opposed to three.

    I'm relatively new to living in a proper apartment with someone (before this it was always student accomodation), so I'm wondering if you can tell me what the etiquette is for this situation:

    (1) Is this normal in a shared living environment? If not, what do you think is a considerate amount of time to have an other half over?

    (2) If you think I should say something, how should I bring it up so that it does not create a tense atmosphere between us?

    Like I said, I'd really appreciate your thoughts. I'm relatively young and have just started my first professional job. That in itself is very stressful, not to mention the fact that I feel as though I'm a lodger in my own flat (which is costing me way more than I can afford!).

    Thanks!


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Going unregistered is tricky. :-D Just a quick edit to the above: we are both renting the flat equally. I think the last line might have given the impression that I own the flat.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 321 ✭✭CPT. SURF


    Here is what I do, though I appreciate this may not work for you. I flip the script on them.

    I spread out on the couch, drink beer and burp loudly, change the channel when I want, walk around without a shirt on, and basically just make them feel uncomfortable instead of me. If you do not feel like being a jerk like that then I can't really help you, but I know it works. Anyway, best of luck


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,204 ✭✭✭Recon


    All I can really think of would be to sit down with your room mate and have a chat.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,736 ✭✭✭Gannicus


    CPT. SURF wrote: »
    Here is what I do, though I appreciate this may not work for you. I flip the script on them.

    I spread out on the couch, drink beer and burp loudly, change the channel when I want, walk around without a shirt on, and basically just make them feel uncomfortable instead of me. If you do not feel like being a jerk like that then I can't really help you, but I know it works. Anyway, best of luck

    I agree. but maybe if you don't want to be a jackass maybe you organize a guys only night in the apartment and say it to your mate in confidence. he might even realize that she's around too much and knock it on the head a bit. A mate of mine had this problem. he just started showing up with ever slapper he could get his hands on and bring them home and sit acting the bollox in the leaving room. his mates gf got freaked out quickly and stopped coming round.

    Personally I'd like to be spoken to about it in confidence. maybe over a few beers


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,758 ✭✭✭Stercus Accidit


    You share the tv with your room mate, not her.

    If they are watching something, he is watching it.


    If you want to watch something say it to him, that he watched what he wanted yesterday or whatever.

    It isnt 2 versus 1, its 1 versus 1, she has no share in the flat, so her say is null and void unless its his say, of which he shares 50 50 with you.

    She should respect its your home too that she is a guest in.


    Talk to the lad if its a problem.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,164 ✭✭✭seahorse


    Also, I just broke up with my own girlfriend of two years.

    OP, are you sure this isn’t annoying you more than it would do had you not broken up with your own partner? I'm not saying that is definitely the case; just that you might want to ask yourself that before you say anything to cause bad feeling with your flatmate.

    Perhaps your gf had her own place and this girl is still living at home with her parents? If that's the case I think it explains why she's there all the hours Gods sends (not that that makes it any more enjoyable for you of course.)

    If it's getting to the point where you can’t sit on your own sofa in the evening after working hard all day I'd definitely be having a word, but be diplomatic, otherwise get ready for a nasty atmosphere!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 227 ✭✭eimsRV


    Evening!

    I was in a similar situation about 2 years ago. I shared a flat with a friend, after about 3 months her boyfriend got a job close by and practically moved in. I put my head in the sand about it and i think the tension grew, so after a while I decided to do the adult thing and talk to her. But by then I was quite heated about it. She told me not to be so stupid, that when he is her boyfriend and obviously he was going to stay over as it was handier for work. It all got out of hand when he started staying there even when she was at work (she worked nights).
    In the end, I moved out, became 2 against one even though I was paying half the rent and bills.

    My advice would be to talk to your friend calmly and casually about it. Mention its nothing personal about his gf, but you needsome personal space too. I ended up losing a friend over the whole thing. I think that most reasonable people will listen to your concerns.

    Good luck


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,582 ✭✭✭✭TheZohanS


    Was in a very similar position a few years ago too.

    In the beginning I did the whole sprawl out on the couch thing but all that does is make you look like a d1ck and create even more tension in the house.

    It's your own place and you shouldn't be made feel like a spare wheel. So I invited my friend out for drinks and told him I thought his girlfriend was a really cool girl and it was great to see them getting on so well. However the house was fairly small and wasn't suited for three people, so having her over every night of the week was just a bit too much but a couple of times a week was much more reasonable.

    He was absolutely cool about it and the atmosphere in the house drastically improved.

    You're better off nipping these things in the bud and dealing with them asap.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 514 ✭✭✭paulusdu


    I agree with Zohan here, the longer you leave it to have a civilized and friendly chat, the more chance there is of creating an atmosphere.
    Bring your mate for a beer, and talk to him about the issue.
    the longer you leave it, it becomes a norm for his girlfriend to be over in your place so much, and possibly harder for them to change.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 184 ✭✭ibuprofen


    TheZohan wrote: »
    Was in a very similar position a few years ago too.

    In the beginning I did the whole sprawl out on the couch thing but all that does is make you look like a d1ck and create even more tension in the house.

    It's your own place and you shouldn't be made feel like a spare wheel. So I invited my friend out for drinks and told him I thought his girlfriend was a really cool girl and it was great to see them getting on so well. However the house was fairly small and wasn't suited for three people, so having her over every night of the week was just a bit too much but a couple of times a week was much more reasonable.

    He was absolutely cool about it and the atmosphere in the house drastically improved.

    You're better off nipping these things in the bud and dealing with them asap.

    I agree with the zohan. If he's a friend you should talk to him about it and before it gets too heated. You definitely shouldn't feel that you have to go into your bedroom.
    I've been in this situation before and usually a couple will spend half the time at her house as well , it's definitely not acceptable that you are paying half rent and bills for three people.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    was in the very same situation as you are now.
    lived with my friend who had a bf who was a d*ck to put it lightly, he was in the house 24/7, they took over the living room, in the months i lived they i think i only watched 2 programs. he didnt pay towards any of the bills. i felt like i was living in their house, they were stuck to eachother. they had no consideration for me what so ever and stupidily enough i said nothing!!!!
    say something otherwise it'l make your life hell, their not concerned bout your feelings so why should you be concerned about theres.
    best of luck with it


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,024 ✭✭✭Redpunto


    Theyre doing it coz youre letting them get away with it, you seriously need to have a chat with this guy, if the gf is over 24/7 they should be paying twothirds of the bills and rent, not 50/50. Sure once or twice a week staying over wouldnt mind that, but any more than that and theyre taking liberties.

    This is not fair on you and will start eating away at ya until you do something coz they sure as hell wont change the situation, they have it nice and cushty. SIt him down and have a chat and see what comes out of it. Hopefully hell see where youre coming from and change things a bit, if he doesnt though then you might have to get nasty; walk around the house with just a t shirt on, accidentally miss the toilet bowl, leave meat in the fridge for as long as possible, after a while she wont want to be in the flat.

    Does she rent herself or is she living with mummy and daddy?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 23 AMY78


    Hi
    i am the landlady of the apartment. When my tenant visited the apartment he asked me if his girlfriend who was living abroad could come and visit some week ends. I said ok as it would be from time to time so I decided he would be my tenant
    I started renting the room on 1st November for the first 2 weeks all was fine
    Then on 22th november he brough a local girl to the apartement (not his girlfriend that he talked to me about) and the next day he said it was his new girlfriend
    Sincethen she has been in the flat a lot
    She stayed to the apartment 5 days in a row and on the 5th occasion I asked my tenants if she had moved in he said no
    She overheard the discussion, the next day he would not talk to me so I started the conversation and he told me she took it badly that I though she was there a lot and he told me that She does not use the kitchen or does not sit down on the sofa. I found the answer cheacky and did not say anything
    the situation changed from a girl abroad who would come from time to time to a girl who is there 3 to 4 times a week and this is not what i accepted at the begining and he brought her without even telling me he would bring her to the flat. and me when i have a friend coming to watch a dvd i let him know
    So I told him she could come from time to time preferably the week end as I work in the week is this reasonable ?
    So since then on 21 days, she came 13 times on the 13 times she slept over 10 times.
    They are always in his bedroom which is near mine so when they talk, laugh etc.. I can hear it all and when they come back at 3.35 in the morning of a week day too
    I just don’t know what to do
    I feel it is a bit too much and this is not what I had accepted at the beginning
    This week they went out on Sunday eve so not in the flat but came back at 3.35 Monday morning so awoke me, then she was in his bedroom on Monday and then yesterday
    Can anyone tell me if this is too much cos I feel a bit weird and in a way they are always in the bedroom so I don’t really see them but can hear them, and I rent to 1 person not 2
    On 1 occasion he did let her alone in the apartment in the day and I told him that was not ok he said he would not do it again but I have no way of checking as I work in day time. I know this cos she told me she stayed in the apartment when he was at work
    He is nice but I don’t feel comfortable that he brings his girlfriend 3 or 4 times a week in week days.
    What should I do? is 3 to 4 nights a week too much cos i feel it is as i have to get up early to work as he is self employed he works when he wants


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,204 ✭✭✭Recon


    Well seeing that it's your apartment what you say goes. As for coming home at 3 in the morning and waking you up? If that happens once they should know about it, if it happens a second time he should be out on his ear.

    I personnally don't see anything wrong with her staying in his room often (but I know that a lot of people here do!) but her being in the apartment by herself during the day is taking the piss I think.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 23 AMY78


    sorry i just caught her
    i will answer to some of your comments
    first when he moved in he knew he could have people over from time to time in week end this was the agreement. from that it went to 3 or 4 or 5 times in week days which was not what was agreed
    from a grilfriend who was abroad coming in week ends 1 or twice a month it changed for a local girl who is here a lot.
    it is like you cant breath i am sorry
    this week sunday she slept over, monday was here and slept over and yesterday was here at 5.35 with him and slept over
    i dont mind they chat or laugh but not until 3 am in a week day in week end i dont mind at all week days i have problem with that
    already told him no change
    Cleaning common area and kitchen always me so aint doing it no more sound childish when i say i am on strike maybe but i am not a maid and i am not paid to clean after him am i?
    i don't think i am overeacting
    my previous tenant was lovely his girlfriend came but he always warned me oh she will come this week end and i was fine as at least he told me which is having manners
    this guy always bring her and never tell me anything and i told him he should warn me as i do warn him when someone comes to see me but apparently i have manner he does not
    as reflector said it is common courtesy
    i am the landlady and when my friend comes to watch a dvd i let him know in advance
    he brought her this week 3 evenings already without telling me
    is it normal?
    what if i have something plan a meal with friends ??
    i dont think i am overeacting i never had a problem like that with previous flatmate
    and the situation changed from girlfriend who would come once or twice a month as living abroad he is now having a local girl who is here a lot, i would not have taken him as tenant if i had knew that before chosing him instead of someone else
    i think that when you share an apartment or house you should respect the other and if situation change let the other one know
    which was never done in this case
    on 21 days she did not come to the flat 8 days only is this normal?


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