Bedroom bother

LegacyUser

hi all, going unreg for this, and il keep it short
ive been going out with my boyfriend for about 4 months, everything is going great apart from one thing.....

he cant seem to keep it up when it comes down to having sex, now theres no problem when its just foreplay but its like he gets stage fright.

he's very embarrassed that this keeps happening and im trying my best to reassure him.
does anyone know of any way to prevent this from happening? we do plenty of foreplay and all that.

i myself and begining to become paronid about it, im not sure if hes comfortable around me. although i havent said anything to him, as i dont want to put pressure on him.
just looking for advice?
cheers

Carrigart Exile

bedroombother wrote: »

hi all, going unreg for this, and il keep it short
ive been going out with my boyfriend for about 4 months, everything is going great apart from one thing.....

he cant seem to keep it up when it comes down to having sex, now theres no problem when its just foreplay but its like he gets stage fright.

he's very embarrassed that this keeps happening and im trying my best to reassure him.
does anyone know of any way to prevent this from happening? we do plenty of foreplay and all that.

i myself and begining to become paronid about it, im not sure if hes comfortable around me. although i havent said anything to him, as i dont want to put pressure on him.
just looking for advice?
cheers

I think the latin name for it is thinkingfloppiness, it happens to us all. He is in that dreaded cycle of worry about erection, worry erection away, worry more about erection, worry erection away more. Its nothing to do with you, in fact its probably because he is so in to you that he wants it to be great for you.

Suggest to him, that next time, you want him to make love to you without penetration taking place, he has to use his imagination to find loads of ways to pleasure you......once his mind is off worrying you may get a surprise;)

LegacyUser

CAn I just say, as someone who has been in his position, that you are an extremely nice and understanding individual for staying with him for 4 months

For me, the first time with someone new is nearly always a nerve wracking "can I keep it up?" situation...... once it happens though, it turns out to be fine.

Condoms for me are always an issue..... a doctor told me recently, "practice with them, learn to put them on one handed and in the dark" .... other times, when the girl put it on me it was a lot less pressure on me. Put the condom on earlier during foreplay so it's not loads of foreplay and then "right, on with the rubber, let's shag"...... and, I always found that kissing a lot helped take my mind off my erection while initially penetrating.

The same doctor also recommended taking a viagra for the first couple of times just to get over the initial nervousness.

Try and make it fun, as sex should be. I think talking about during the day ( as in not just before or during or after sex) in a very open way about his nervousness could help.... but he needs to talk about it.

Don't try to have sex after drinking - Saturday morning after a nice night together might work better.

When ever a gf would bring it up I'd get all defensive.... he has to open up about it and knowing that it will effect you, a lot of it is up to him.

Openess was the key with my last two gfs, once it came out that I was nervous it took the pressure off me. But, being that open and admitting what I considered a serious failure, was difficult as some women are not as understanding as you.

RossFixxxed

The same doctor also recommended taking a viagra for the first couple of times just to get over the initial nervousness

Woah woah, hang on now, that's not a good idea to recommend that at all. That's a serious drug and not an idea to be recommending it here either.

Other than that though great advice above, nothing to add really!

Marksie

beenthere wrote: »

The same doctor also recommended taking a viagra for the first couple of times just to get over the initial nervousness.

Whoa, viagra is a prescription drug for erectile dysfunction. Not recreational use or to get over nervousness.
This is a not a medical forum.

OP: you boyfriend is getting himself in a state mentally and is in a feedback loop .
So its about getting him out of his own head and relaxing.
in that you may have to take a more proactive approach as he is obviously suffering. The support you are giving is great, but its time for you to take the lead.

Make your foreplay the be all and end all, dont focus on penetration as the goal.
Look to enjoying and discovering, and there has been some advice on that already. BUT do not assume that your boyfirenmd will automatically know this..show him. Be the active in this and explain that you want no penetration, work on getting him out of his head and also expanding what yuo can do.
The wide variety of non penetrative techniques is only limited by your respective imaginations, and can be much much more pleasurable.
The idea that a job has not been done correctly if he hasnt been inside you is one you simply have to work on getting around..both of you, because both are in that mindset.

Use penetration as simply another technique and not the be all and end all.

Its difficult as we are constantly bombarded with this ideal.
In movnig away from it and fully exploring each other yuo are creating a bigger foundation for a healthy sex life, where penetration fades and pleasure increases exponentially.

Sure its nice, and its good to have the aspect..but its nowhere near essential.

LegacyUser

Hi Op, bout year and half ago I was in the same situation. Had been going out with my boyfriend for 3 months. Mad about him. He was under serious pressure with work and family... he had alot of trouble having an erection... We talked about... talking was the key... At that time we went 4 months without sex... it was highly frustrating for me but I loved him and I knew he loved me so we got through it... now a year and half on we are so much stronger for it.

Op - communication is the key to getting through this.

Best of Luck x

LegacyUser

Hey,

I had the same problem two years ago. Had it for about 4 months or so. It was very upsetting as I became frustrated when it would start to flop. It eats at your confidence and its a vicious circle.

If he can get and hold (ahem!) erections before penetration then its not a health issue. It is more likely stage fright. Once we got back on track I got over the nerves and everything was ok.

Still with him and let him know you understand.

LegacyUser

thanks everyone for all your advice.
i understand thats it must be highly frustrating for him, and i really want to support him. i dont want to make a deal out of it cause that will only make the situation worse. i suppose the problem is that we dont get alot of time together so when we do we're usually pretty worked up.
also very good point about putting on the condom, he usually puts it on before penertration and i dont think thats helping. i really wish he wouldnt get himselve worked up over it as when we do have sex i can say its easily the best sex ive ever had.
anyway i appreciate all your advice
cheers

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote: »

Whoa, viagra is a prescription drug for erectile dysfunction. Not recreational use or to get over nervousness.

yes it is and i was prescribed a similar drug by the Wellman Clinic for ED to get over the nervousness <snip>do not promote self-diagnosis on the internet<snip>

Anyway, I took it once or twice but no issues now. its just mind over matter! anyway as the other posters say just relax etc and the idea of the condom on before penetration is good!