Confused -have I a right to be hurt?

LegacyUser

My problem is confusing me. My boyfriend has a very badly concealed liking for redheads.
We all like what we like I suppose. But this comes up so often I am now wondering whether I am making a fool of myself even being with him. My hair is dark brown at the moment.

He had a problem where he was openly perving every redhead he saw in real life and on the telly, mags etc etc On top of all this his ex was a redhead too.
Then girls that would resemble me and my looks he would say "they do nothing for him" even the likes of Penelope Cruz FFS? Then he even thinks the Nicola yoke out of girls aloud is nice ......whatever.
Anyway I talked to him told him it was upsetting me and it stopped, till now.

Well the killer came over the weekend when he admits to me that sometimes in order to cum he has to think of fcukin Blaithnaid from the afternoon show......

I pretended to be ok with it, but I am so hurt, she is a lot older -I am totally confused. How could he tell me that, its all I can think about now.

When he met me I was blond (am natuarally dark brown) but soon after that I went to a dark red-brown colour, then back to my own dark brown which I still am. And I remember him distinctly saying to me "any colour except red" suited me????
That was before all this redhead stuff came up so I thought nothing of it.

I am totally confused, he fancies redheads but he doesnt want me to be one......I feel like going out and getting it all dyed red to keep his eyes on me but the other half of me feels like telling him to **** off as I am getting to the end of my tether trying to compete with the whole world of redhaired women out there.

I am an attractive girl but my confidence is shattered over all this.

Sorry this sounds so trivial but I dont know whether I am coming or going with it all.

Karen_*

Just because he fancies redheads doesn't mean he doesn't fancy you. However he does seem to talk an awful lot about them and as for saying he has to think of the woman off the afternoon show to cum, well, he just sounds like a knob to me. And how did that come up in conversation????

Do NOT dye your hair red. He either likes you the way you are or tell him to go jump. Is he the one banging on about the redheads all the time or are you bringing it up constantly? All men look, all men fancy other women but they do not have to alert you to that at every waking moment.

MagicMarker

Unregistered wrote: »

Well the killer came over the weekend when he admits to me that sometimes in order to cum he has to think of fcukin Blaithnaid from the afternoon show......

And i trust you followed up with ''fair enough, in future you can think of her on your own, because you're never getting near me again.''

Why exactly are you still with this guy? He's a knob.

As for red heads, i LOVE redheads. Including that 'yoke' from Girls Aloud:rolleyes:

luckat

He sounds like a gob****e. There are surely normal men out there?

Grawns

Him fancying redheads is no different to some other guy fancying giant boobs or fat girls. He should keep quiet about it though. My husband loves redheads and I have red hair but he certainly went out with and fancies girls of all hair colours. His first girlfriend had red hair and I think it may have imprinted on him like a duckling:)

Mr. Incognito

There is no such thing as a right nor to be hurt or a right to be hurt. You either are or you aren't.

okay- he has a thing for red-heads- heck I have myself. But it doesn't mean I didn't love my ex who wasn't.

Your insecurity is telling though. If you were secure you'd laugh it off. I'm sorry but you're just going to have to sit him down and tell him how you feel. Nothing else for it but to talk this one out.

But ask yourself this, why are you with someone who doesn't make you feel good about yourself?

Jumpy

Pfft. Nicola is hot. Dont care what other people say.

You dont ogle other women and admit it. Rule number 1 of keeping your testicles intact.
Did you tell him it offended you though? He may not have the best sense of what is and is not appropriate to say, but he certainly isnt a mind reader.

Say you have a problem with it, and if he keeps on doing it knowing you hate it, then he is a knob. Until then, he is just someone who has severe "talk before thought" syndrome.

Wibbs

OK everyone stay on topic. No stuff about which redhead is fanciable or this thread gets locked.

Jumpy

Wibbs wrote: »

OK everyone stay on topic. No stuff about which redhead is fanciable or this thread gets locked.

Too fast. I clicked submit before I finished. I can only type at a certain speed.

seahorse

He's an insensitive arsehole and I think you should leave him. I gave someone the advice recently on here that they ought to buy their partner a blow-up doll. I'd say the same in your case, only make your point clearly; make sure it's a red-head.

LegacyUser

OP,


sorry to hear you're feeling like this but please try and get it under control before it becomes a huge issue in your relationship.

I had a similar problem with my ex, we were lying in bed one night and he was caressing my thigh and said absentmindedly that he had never dated a white girl before, he just found black girls far sexier. I felt like getting sick. then it became a constant thing with him and me, he preferred black girls, all his exes were black, most beautiful girls in the world apparently.

I don't really have any advice for you because I reacted the wrong way and let it eat away at me. I genuinely felt there was something I lacked that he needed to feel sexually fulfilled.

When i think of it now i'm so embarrassed at how I reacted, honestly I was so pathetic, i gained weight to look like his exes (3 in a row all looked the same, there was something a bit creepy about it) even though i hated being fat, i dyed my hair black even though i knew it didn't really suit me, i went crazy with the fake tan. Everytime a plump darkskinned girl was near us I'd feel sick with jealousy. One time I considered i dye my hair blonde he went completely crazy and he used to always ask me to curl it (i hated curly hair).

I look back now & wonder why I put myself through it. My hair is back to its natural brown now, i've lost weight again & my skin is back to normal shade. I feel so much better being myself and I can honestly say I'd never allow myself behave like that again. If a boyfriend ever made me feel so inadequate again i'd leave him. I just couldn't bear it. My situation was different to yours (I hope) because I realised with the luxury of hindsight my boyfriend was manipulating the situation to squash my confidence.

I think you should sit down & ask your boyfriend why he said that stuff to you. Its not very sensitive. However, bear in mind, he might just think its a funny little 'quirk' about him. I love guys with freckles and people always tell me i'm weird. One day someone was slagging me about it in front of aforementioned ex and he went crazy roaring about (yes he was a delight) about a freckled bloke i'd been briefly dating before him.

(By the way, my ex has a new girlfriend now - she looks not unlike me but with blonde hair & porcelain white skin! The only thing she has in common to his 'usual type' is she's fairly heavy, but that might be a new development since she became his girlfriend.)

Karen_*

SetantaL wrote: »

Your insecurity is telling though. If you were secure you'd laugh it off.

Oh yeah! Cos its really funny to have your bf twitter on about other women all the time and say that he needs to fantasise about someone when he's with you in order to cum. Does she need to be secure or does she need a hide like an elephants?

IMO blokes that need to constantly blether on about what their type is and who they fancy (to their girlfriends) are the insecure ones. And thick to boot.

Zillah

Unregistered wrote: »

Well the killer came over the weekend when he admits to me that sometimes in order to cum he has to think of fcukin Blaithnaid from the afternoon show......

Ok, up until this point I was thinking "Ah he's not that bad". He just sabotaged your ability to enjoy sex with him, if I was in a similar situation I'd seriously consider getting rid of him, that's an absolutely awful thing to say to someone you supposedly care about.

Silverfish

Karen_* wrote: »

Oh yeah! Cos its really funny to have your bf twitter on about other women all the time and say that he needs to fantasise about someone when he's with you in order to cum. Does she need to be secure or does she need a hide like an elephants?

IMO blokes that need to constantly blether on about what their type is and who they fancy (to their girlfriends) are the insecure ones. And thick to boot.

You just posted what I was thinking. That, in my experience, is it in a nutshell.

coco06

Can you try and turn the tables and say in order for you to cum you have to think of Ryan Tubridy or someone.. see how he likes it!

Mr. Incognito

Can you try and turn the tables and say in order for you to cum you have to think of Ryan Tubridy or someone.. see how he likes it!

Now that's interesting, but if you're missus said that to you, welcome to dumpsville.

Anyway- two wrongs don't make a right- this shouldn't be about one-upmanship. He's being an ass to his OP and making her feel bad about herself- that's just not on.

coco06

Ye he is a complete ass to her and if he thinks there is nothing wrong then he will never change and you will be faced with similar problems throughout the relationship imo.

justsomebloke

ok although I think your boyfriend is a complete tool for saying that he has to use the thought of some one else to cum, the one thing I would say is that there is a difference in you love the most and the person you want to shag the most.

Falling in love with someone takes into a lot more things then just looks as people will look for things for emotional stability, common interests, sense of humor etc etc. Yes looks will definitively play a part but if someone else ticks all the boxes most people will happily go out with some one that isn't what they usually fancy, cause when it comes down to it looks aren't going to be what makes your life together happy.

The problem then is that some men/women are complete f*ckwits and don't actually cop on to what they are saying and rather then every so often saying it in jest, will repeatedly say it not realising what they doing. A lot of the time this doesn't mean that you aren't the person he/she loves most in the world, rather that he/she loves the rest of your qualities so much that he was willing to forgo what he usually goes with cause he/she knows how good everything else is.

With all that said though I still think he is a complete tool

beth-lou

It is totally ok that he finds red heads attractive and yet he is with you a brunette. He can't help who or what type of woman he finds attractive. It's totally normal.

However, saying that he has to imagine someone else to cum is bang out of order. He is either emotionally retarded and has a lot of growing up to do, or he is an insensitive twit. You decide which as you know him better. And decide if you want either for a boyfriend.

You might be a little insecure, but who isn't if they are totally honest, and maybe you need to work on the idea that your other half is going to have fantasies about others.

However, you don't have to accept him telling you about it and especially telling you he has to think of someone else to come. If my OH did that he'd be kicked right out of my bed and told to keep going. I can't imagine him even having the stupidity to do so. It's just bizarre.

Trinity

If we were all to say what we were thinking during sex we'd all be kicked out of the bed and left single pretty damn quick

And personally (the word insecure should be banned from PI), i'd be pretty gutted if my partner told me he had to think of someone else to cum. There is nothing worse than being compared to some one else, its something you try to stop yourself doing to yourself you really dont need to hear it from someone you care about.

I think its perfectly normal to fantasize and use your imagination, however, keeping it to yourself is not wrong, or secretive or going behind someones back. Its called having a bit of cop on which is something your bf seems to be lacking. Some people just do not possess the ability to take other peoples feelings into account.

I'd call him on it. Tell him how you feel.

I'd give him another chance. I imagine hes probably feeling very stupid and regretful now. Hes been as asshole but point him in the right direction and if he doesnt cop on to himself then reassess the relationship.

Just dont brood on it too much if possible once you sort things.

LegacyUser

Although I hate to admit it, I actually think he is a bit thick.

The conversation came up with a few drinks (not even many) so inhibitions were down. He didnt say he needed to think of the aul-one of the afternoon show, sorry he just said that he had, on occasion.

Still though, it hurt, but I cant get on the moral high ground though, cos as the poster above said we are all guilty of that, so what am I supposed to do?

I think maybe because I am quite open and I am his first serious girlfriend, he thinks I am able to take anything. Well obviously there is a limit.

The Nicola thing, its just a bit of a slap in the face to see him drooling over some chick with grey teeth....wtf like...

He does compliment me a lot but this redhead stuff is eating away at me.

Knowhowyoufeel, you hit the nail on the head with your post and the black girls. I just feel so jealous of redheads, it doesnt help that every bloke who posted on here also admits they are the top of the male fantasy polls. It hurts to be second best. I cant help it but it does.

Karen, I am still really tempted to dye it but I wont. The jealousy is really an unpleasant feeling, Ive never been a jealous type before, its a horrible feeling -Im losing my way...

Trinity

Unregistered wrote: »

Although I hate to admit it, I actually think he is a bit thick.

The conversation came up with a few drinks (not even many) so inhibitions were down. He didnt say he needed to think of the aul-one of the afternoon show, sorry he just said that he had, on occasion.

Still though, it hurt, but I cant get on the moral high ground though, cos as the poster above said we are all guilty of that, so what am I supposed to do?

I think maybe because I am quite open and I am his first serious girlfriend, he thinks I am able to take anything. Well obviously there is a limit.

The Nicola thing, its just a bit of a slap in the face to see him drooling over some chick with grey teeth....wtf like...

He does compliment me a lot but this redhead stuff is eating away at me.

Knowhowyoufeel, you hit the nail on the head with your post and the black girls. I just feel so jealous of redheads, it doesnt help that every bloke who posted on here also admits they are the top of the male fantasy polls. It hurts to be second best. I cant help it but it does.

Karen, I am still really tempted to dye it but I wont. The jealousy is really an unpleasant feeling, Ive never been a jealous type before, its a horrible feeling -Im losing my way...

Yes its awful but only you can control those feelings. IF the relationship is worth persuing then try your utmost to put it out of your mind. I know its difficult and for the first while you probably wont be able to, particularly in the bedroom, but if he makes you feel secure in your relationship eventually it will fade and believe it or not you may find yourself laughing about it in the future.

I bet hes sorry, he sounds thick rather than bad or deliberately trying to hurt you. Chalk it up and watch his behaviour, if he doesnt learn from this to have a bit of tact then hes not thinking of your feelings.

beth-lou

Unregistered wrote: »

Although I hate to admit it, I actually think he is a bit thick.

The conversation came up with a few drinks (not even many) so inhibitions were down. He didnt say he needed to think of the aul-one of the afternoon show, sorry he just said that he had, on occasion.

Still though, it hurt, but I cant get on the moral high ground though, cos as the poster above said we are all guilty of that, so what am I supposed to do?

I think maybe because I am quite open and I am his first serious girlfriend, he thinks I am able to take anything. Well obviously there is a limit.

The Nicola thing, its just a bit of a slap in the face to see him drooling over some chick with grey teeth....wtf like...

He does compliment me a lot but this redhead stuff is eating away at me.

Knowhowyoufeel, you hit the nail on the head with your post and the black girls. I just feel so jealous of redheads, it doesnt help that every bloke who posted on here also admits they are the top of the male fantasy polls. It hurts to be second best. I cant help it but it does.

Karen, I am still really tempted to dye it but I wont. The jealousy is really an unpleasant feeling, Ive never been a jealous type before, its a horrible feeling -Im losing my way...

Ok the comment about the red head from Girls Aloud is kind of nasty. She's a lovely girl. And why are you thinking you have to make yourself into something that you are not? He decided to go out with you, not your hair colour. Obsessing about that is bordering on the ridiculous. You are never going to be the best looking girl that graced the planet, no one will. There will always be someone better looking, even for the very beautiful, that's the world we live in. If you think that is the only reason he is with you then you need to move on and work on yourself.

I think he was way out of line with cum comment.
But you are focusing far too much on hair colour and truths that you invited into the relationship. If you are his first girlfriend, then explain to him that he should keep that type of talk for the lads. You really don't need to hear it. And you need to realise that all guys will have a type that they find most attractive to look at, but it's not neccessarily the package that the person they are going fall inlove with is going to come in.

My ideal would be Robert Redford in his hey day, I married someone with dark hair and who looks totally different. Do I feel cheated, no. It's all bull. It doesn't mean anything. You really need to get a grip on this particular issue. And he needs to cop on.

Karen_*

Eh the girl from girls aloud would probably have alot in common with you in that she's got to put up with every day with having comparisons made between her and the other girls. She isn't ugly but not as good looking as the others. And she really has been made to suffer for that. If you do feel you are better looking than someone then might be as well to remember they're a human being with feelings too.

He's immature, he's also insecure himself. Maybe try saying to him that you are aware he likes redheads and that he doesn't need to keep reminding you and also add that you're mad about him and tell him all the things you like about him. But then say that he's gone too far in his remarks and that anymore of them and he will lose you. Because you don't really want to be in a relationship built on fear and jealousy and in a nutshell he's wrecking your head. If he still continues then let the red-heads of the world have him!! Because he'd be quite the catch I don't think!

LegacyUser

Ok Im sorry, its just difficult not to be bitter, it seems she (Nicola) looks like his ex (GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!) and dont I just know it, cos i had to hear about it again and again and again. And I've nothing against the girl herself but its the way he makes them into Godesses I cant take.

As well as how ANY red haired woman in any TV show, any movie, magazine, pop group etc etc is SO MUCH NICER than any of the other women in that show/group etc. Its hurtful, why does he have to rub it in.

I dont understand how I "invited" this into my relationship Beth-Lou, I dont ask about it, it just constantly creeps in. He wrecked my head about it before and we had a big row, he was sorry and stopped but his big stupid mouth just got the better of him again lately.

Im grand with a bit of joking or banter he just takes it too far. Also, I feel that if I draw attention to it by "having a talk" with him about it, it will sort of "drive it underground" making it forbidden, exiting and dangerous and more obsessional for him.

GAH, I know Im just ranting now.

RossFixxxed

Put the damn foot down.

It's one thing that a guy looks at a pretty woman on telly, it's a different ball game telling you about them all the time...

If I tried the same thing I'd be posting right now minus two testicles.

Maybe you should borrow them and tell him straight to cop on or **** off.

Good luck OP,
R

LegacyUser

ok as my title says, please feel free to disregard what I'm about to say OP and bear in mind that I could well be projecting based on having had a similar experience (see my similar post) with an ex - but he was particularly nasty so your situation may not be the same.


You sound like a very confident girl, as am I. By confident I don't mean cocky or that i'm better than other girls, I just value my good points & focus on them and try not to run myself down.


Looking back now with the black-girl-obsessed-ex, its perfectly obvious he was using it as a stick to beat me with, it was one thing I was going to never be despite my belief that I am goodlooking & attractive in general. He was a severely insecure, manipulative guy and instead of finding my confidence attractive (like my previous boyfriends had) he wanted me to feel inadequate and needy so he could hang onto me. Constantly telling me that black skin was not only men's greatest fantasy but also something he'd had in the past but I couldn't give him was his way of leaving me feeling lacking.

I'm not saying for one second your boyfriend is definitely doing the same thing. Its just I wanted to share my experience because I suspect your problem isn't around being insecure or threatened by other women in general. Just consider the possibility that perhaps your boyfriend resents your self-confidence.

seahorse

knowhowyoufeel wrote: »

Looking back now with the black-girl-obsessed-ex, its perfectly obvious he was using it as a stick to beat me with..

I once met a young black girl whose black bf hurt her constantly with his never-ending sexualised comments about white women. I have the same advice for the OP that I had for that girl: Leave the prick.

Karen_*

He's doing your head right in and you need to get away from him. He is a deeply insecure guy who will get happier the more miserable you get. Until it starts to irritate him and that will be your fault too. Do you not see the red flags? I certainly do.

You aren't going to win here, all you can do is walk away. You could dye your hair red but he's already told you it doesn't suit you and that he can only get turned on thinking of a red head. It shouldn't be this hard OP it really shouldn't.

I can guarantee you this: if he goes out with a redhead then he will be making her feel the same way for one reason or another. Maybe he'll even be so thrilled by the colour of her hair that she'll realise that's all he likes about her. That wouldn't exactly be great for the self esteem would it? He's too complicated and too annoying for you. Let someone else worry about whats going on in his pea brain.

Catari Jaguar

Sounds like he's not over his red head ex to me...

I'd dump him if I were you.