She's getting married

LegacyUser

I've been in love with my best friend for 10 years. We're both female. I'm bi and she's straight. She doesn't know about my feelings and she's getting married early next year. I'm her bridesmaid and I just don't know if I can do it! I'm actually dreading the day! I know, as her best friend I should be delighted for her and looking forward to it and I try to be I really do but when push comes to shove, all I really want is for her to be with me. I'm not deluded, I know that's not a possibility but unfortunately that doesn't stop me from feeling the way I do.
I think the only way for me to move on and rid myself of these feelings is to live my life without her in it. She adores me though and I know she would be terribly hurt and confused if I stopped being her friend.
I just don't know what to do.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

I've been in love with my best friend for 10 years. We're both female. I'm bi and she's straight. She doesn't know about my feelings and she's getting married early next year. I'm her bridesmaid and I just don't know if I can do it! I'm actually dreading the day! I know, as her best friend I should be delighted for her and looking forward to it and I try to be I really do but when push comes to shove, all I really want is for her to be with me. I'm not deluded, I know that's not a possibility but unfortunately that doesn't stop me from feeling the way I do.
I think the only way for me to move on and rid myself of these feelings is to live my life without her in it. She adores me though and I know she would be terribly hurt and confused if I stopped being her friend.
I just don't know what to do.

Bloody hell, nasty situation to be in alright. Well, seeing as how she's not gay or bi, there isn't a hope in hell of anything ever happening as it's just not possible. you can't make someoen change their preference. Having said that...you need to keep yourself sane and are allowed to put yourself first sometimes. Have you ever tried telling her?

Kell

Unregistered wrote: »

I just don't know what to do.

Do what you have done up to now. Put aside your feelings for your friend as you have done for the best part of 10yrs. Theres not a hope in hell she will reciprocate, so get over it.

K-

MagicMarker

Unregistered wrote: »

I think the only way for me to move on and rid myself of these feelings is to live my life without her in it.

Nail. Head.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I have thought about telling her over the years but I know it would be a pointless exercise. It would destroy our friendship and also, I would hate for her to think that all the years we have been friends, that I had an agenda the entire time. I haven't.

I'd love to be able to just 'get over it' but it's affecting my own love life. I can't seem to settle with anyone else as my feelings for them never compare!

Yes I think maybe after the wedding, I'll try to step back gradually. It'll be difficult but it's the only way forward.

calahans

Really your situation is not much different that any situation invloving two adults, one in love and the other is a friend. I have tried to be friends with girls I liked and my head was wrecked when they were with guys.

I have a pal in the same situation now. He is mad about my wife's friend, she doesnt see it that way, and he gets depressed when she is seeing someone.

Just get away, no happiness will come from the situation.

vandermeyde

Chances are the dynamic between you will change somewhat post the wedding. If you're her best friend and bridesmaid things have probably been fairly intense lately gearing up for the wedding which has probably brought your feelings to the fore again.

I wouldn't jettison your friendship but by all means take a step back if it'll help you sort your head out. Good friends are worth keeping and I think most of us can identify with the feelings for a friend/unrequited love thing.

Best of luck anyway, the right person is out there for you, just gotta keep looking

seahorse

Kell wrote: »

Do what you have done up to now. Put aside your feelings for your friend as you have done for the best part of 10yrs. Theres not a hope in hell she will reciprocate, so get over it.

K-

This may sound quite harsh OP, but minus the option of cutting her out of your life entirely, it really is the only thing you can do. I certainly wouldn't tell her; she is a woman on the verge of getting married and really this is the last news she needs from the bridesmaid.

I do feel however, that you are well within your rights to excuse yourself from bridesmaid duty. It would be very tough on you emotionally and also your mood could spill over and spoil things for her, and then with drink involved, well, it could turn into a bit of a disaster for all concerned.

LegacyUser

Oh no I would never think of telling her now. I just meant that I had thought about it over the last few years.

And vandermeyde you're right in that things have intensified lately. We're in touch constantly and I guess because I've helped her out with the organization etc, she's showing her appreciation by telling me how much she loves me every 5 mins! Hopefully when it's all said and done, the dynamic will change and i'll find it easier to cope.

LegacyUser

Similar situation. Was madly in love with a guy, he went off and married someone else. Always found myself comparing and looking for his clone!

Only thing that got me over him was no contact. I still wonder, think of him and we do have the odd text. And it does ease with time believe me. But not when its in your face. You really have to distance yourself.

It will shatter your friend though i dont know what you are going to say if you decide to go the no contact route as she wont know what she has done. In saying that marraige tends to change peoples priorites and she may drift away herself in time or at the very least youi wont be seeing as much of her.

i dont envy you.

LegacyUser

I'm afraid I can't give you advice on this OP, I'm going through a similar thing myself. All I can say is you're not alone in feeling like this :-(

LegacyUser

For what it's worth I've been in almost precisely the same situation as you are now - in fact you're living my life of 9 years ago - with the one slight difference of there being "something" between us. Nine months before her wedding date I ended up telling her, and ultimately the results were disastrous.

I don't know how anyone gets married because it's just so stressful and if you were to tell her now she'd go into meltdown. From what you say, it sounds as if she's completely oblivious to how you feel and has given you no reason to think she's harbouring any similar feelings for you, whether consciously or otherwise. I'm sure she'd feel betrayed and, as you say, as if you'd had an agenda all these years. I find it interesting that you deny the agenda, but that's another day's work.

I really don't envy you the job of bridesmaid (it's dire at the best of times) but if you bail on doing it she'll want a reason - and what will you tell her? Would that be your way, your excuse, of telling her the truth? Even if you came up with a "reason", it'll hurt her and you can be guaranteed that it will damage the friendship, possibly beyond repair - resulting in you losing her anyway. So which would you prefer, and which would you regret more - endure a torturous day (and I really feel for you at the prospect of it) and then slowly pull away or drop the bomb now. If you think you're strong enough I think you should go through with it. Vandermeyde's right - once she's married the dynamic of your relationship will change because it always does, and you'll probably see less of her anyway, making it easier to distance yourself.

Katherine Mansfield was right about regret, and the same is true about flinging all your energies and feelings towards someone who ultimately cannot return them - it is utterly self-defeating. I know how hard it can be to turn away from someone you feel so intensely for, and how easy it is to hide behind those feelings to excuse yourself from finding someone else who might love you first and best. But if we're with Katherine on never regretting, ask yourself what I asked myself 9 years ago - do you want to sit watching someone else's life, or do you want to live your own? There's got to be only one answer to that.

Good luck.