Break Up Advice Needed PLEASE

LegacyUser

Hey peoples, wondering if ya can give me some advice here. I'm still at uni, 3/4 of my way through my degree. About seven months ago i met a girl in the gym, i be in there twice a day as im into my rugby in a big way, got chatting to her, went out for few drinks, etc etc, starting "officially" for want of a better word to see each other. Things were grand as id only ever see her for a day at a time or whatever or a night, but i always thought she didn't eat enough. She is a vegetarian. Anyways, i knew she used to smoke the odd cigarette, maybe like one a day (will get back to this later), it bothered me but she insisted she only done it when she was stressed out, and it was like one or two a day.

She was going through a rough time at her current job when we met and i helped her through it, she resigned and was unemployed for about four months and spent her entire time texting me and asking what i was doing, this was during the summer when i had rugby three times a week and gym other times, as well as me working my pan in to gather up money for uni. At the weekends i would rush to her house on a friday night, stay till late, up early for work on saturday, same again saturday night, then come sunday i nearly felt obliged to go see her again or she would start with all the ****e i dont put in enough effort bla bla bla. This went on for some time then we decided we should go on a holiday at the end of the summer, i was a bit apprehensive cause her moods and tempers the past month (August) were starting to scare the **** out of me.

So the holiday began lol. Went away and it was a unmitigated disaster from start to finish. First time i had ever spent days away wit her. Discovered anyway, she doesn't eat breakfast, eats sweets for lunch, then wonders why she feels faint, then has a cigarette, then has half a salad, then drinks too much, starts fight with me, smokes her brains out, then goes mad cause i don't want to go near her cause she smells like a ashtray. This cycle continued until day 5 on holiday when i went off on one one night, she confesses to me she smokes more than she lets on, she has had eating problems in the past, i probably was a bit sharp with her about telling her what damage she is doing to her body, anyway, it all came to a head and she nailed me with a right hook to the eye and threw a bottle at me.

We were going home the next day and the minute i left her off at her house she texted me saying she was sorry about a zillion times and she was so so sorry bla bla. I felt totally different about her and was so relieved i hadn't hit her back. SO i returned home from my travels with a black eye and about a grand less outta my uni fund. To say i felt some resentment towards her would be a understatement.

We tried to pretend nothing had happened for the two weeks before i started back at uni, then i realised what the **** was i playing at and broke up with her cause i didn't feel the same about her at all. She has started her new job now and texts me every day in a friends way but i know she wants to get back, but i don't know what to do. I don't love her anymore, but i am so worried about her. Sometimes i feel as if i do still love her, when it was good it was really good. Sorry for ranting, this has helped so much saying this. I don't know what to do. I know she won't change but im worried about her or something.

Is it possible i don't love her anymore but still am worried about her cause of all that stuff ya know?

Wibbs

Anoymous101 wrote: »

Is it possible i don't love her anymore but still am worried about her cause of all that stuff ya know?

Quick answer yep it's more than possible. If you didn't I'd be more worried tbh. Sticking around probably won't help her to move on though. That's the problem. Been there. It just drags it out and the simple fact is you can't really help her, she can only help herself. Yes she needs support, but because of the past you share it's unlikely that you can give her that support no matter how hard you try. My 2 cents anyway.

claiva

If i was you i'd contact her sister/friend whatever and ask to meet up with them. Explain to them that you and her are not compatable and that you argue ALL the time. Then tell them that even though you are no longer going out, you are very worried about her because of her behaviour and (non) eating habits. I know it sounds bad but you kinda need to pass the burden onto someone who does love/care for her. Its not your concern anymore. Sounds like she is seriously screwy and may need help. What did you do when she hit you ???? I'd have been in a taxi to the airport in seconds..........
on my own !!!!!!!!!

LegacyUser

I know, her entire family know about this problem though, and there all great, but she just won't listen to anyone, its so so frustrating, she is absolutely wrecking her body and she won't listen to anyone, its so hard for me because i am so big into sport diet etc etc and know about diets and what the human body needs.

When she hit me I was in a state of shock to be honest cause id never been hit by a girl and was just relieved she didn't split me with the bottle cause i didn't have travel insurance lol. Glad i didn't hit her back now though cause i probably would have killed her :S

Its just hard cause i do miss her, when she was good she was really good, she was very caring and was very supportive. But she was just so needy and demanded to see me every spare minute i had when sometimes i just wanted to spend my weekend at home (i live up at college during the week). The smoking thing really turns me off, and this eating thing winds me and i get so annoyed then when she starts saying she feels faint, its all so messed up and its really getting me down. I'm really afraid of what she's doing to herself but i don't think i want to be with her anymore.

Marksie

Anoymous101 wrote: »

Is it possible i don't love her anymore but still am worried about her cause of all that stuff ya know?

yes its is.
She has major issues which are hers to sort out, but when you ahve been involved with someon its hard to disegnage totally.

But her actions with violence are comlpetely unacceptable from a man OR a woman

Anoymous101 wrote: »

Its just hard cause i do miss her, when she was good she was really good, she was very caring and was very supportive. But she was just so needy and demanded to see me every spare minute i had when sometimes i just wanted to spend my weekend at home (i live up at college during the week). The smoking thing really turns me off, and this eating thing winds me and i get so annoyed then when she starts saying she feels faint, its all so messed up and its really getting me down. I'm really afraid of what she's doing to herself but i don't think i want to be with her anymore.

If a woman was saying this about a man, we would be saying leave and don't look back.
It is exactly the same here, by commiting and act of violence, she has crossed the line. It makes no difference that she is a woman.

However, its rarely a one way thing.
She hid the degree she was smoking from you, but you knew she was a smoker. Thats something you have to think about when next dating, if you have such a strong objection to smokers..do not date them, as you are already storing up big problems.

Her eating problems are another thing that will need to be sorted by herself. You have to understand where that was coming from and what an eating disorder actually is.

That said, the neediness and clinginess are all indicative of someone with real issues.

Those are points for you to consider, as really they would wreck the relationship in any event.
Its all about learning lessonsn from this and understanding both yourself and NOT forgiving her violent actions.
Keep it ended

Chinafoot

Anoymous101 wrote: »

this was during the summer when i had rugby three times a week and gym other times, as well as me working my pan in to gather up money for uni. At the weekends i would rush to her house on a friday night, stay till late, up early for work on saturday, same again saturday night, then come sunday i nearly felt obliged to go see her again or she would start with all the ****e i dont put in enough effort bla bla bla.

I just wanted to comment on this part because tbh it doesn't sound like you had time for a proper relationship. You had other commitments, that's fair enough, but you two essentially had a weekend relationship. That's not enough for a lot of people. It certainly wouldn't be enough for me. I'm not saying that justifies her behaviour towards you, particularly the violence, but perhaps it is one issue where she wasn't being completely unreasonable. Your "bla bla bla" seems very dismissive. There is nothing to say things would be different if you got back together.

Anyway, I would say don't get back with her. She has too much stuff to sort out before she even considers being in a relationship. The only way this girl will sort herself out is if she wants to. She has to be the one to take action and get help, and no amount of advice from family or friends can make her do that.

Keep away and let her move on and sort herself out.

rathbaner

This is all self destructive behaviour on her part. The sooner she hits rock bottom them better as only then will she pull herslf up.

Walk.