Need advice

CelticSpirit

Hi,

This is my first post on here and I feel a bit strange doing this. It's just that things have gotten to a stage with me where I feel desperate and I don't really know where to turn. I have not been feeling myself for the last few months. To be honest I have been running from myself for these last few years and something happened to me this summer that gave me a cause for a timeout and a pause for reflection. This was the first such pause I've had for a long time.

I was a hard drug user at a young age and I managed to kick the habit before I was eighteen through the intervention of my family and a resendential treatment centre. Anyway after this my life was ruint. I missed out on so much and lost so much. I promised myself that I would never touch a drink or a drug again and I never have since the age of 17.
I set about rebuilding my life, educating myself, taking up competitive sports and getting a good job and making a life for myself. I was so determined not to lose sight of these goals I lost track of what life is all about. I neglected making friends and meeting girls. I thought if I could make something out of myself I'd get the girls and people would want to be my friend.

Ten years on and for all that I've done I feel like I have nothing. Ní heaspa go dí carad(There's no need like the need of a friend). I am so ****ing lonely it hurts. I can't sleep, I don't want to eat. I feel like I am losing my will to live. I am a strong person and I've been through a lot and kept my resolve. I know I could not take my own life but I am stuck in a rut big time!

I don't drink and I think people are generally sceptical about people who go to the pub and don't drink. I decided to try the Internet dating to try and do something about this but so far all I've met are scammers, looking for money. There was one and I really thought it could lead to something special. I should have seen it coming but it turned out to be a scam. Thing was I really felt good about it and the knock hurt.:mad:

I can't seem to relax. Even when I'm out I'm thinking about how I can better myself. I feel like there is something missing in my life. I don't want to be better than anyone else; all I want is to be accepted. I'm shy and can find it very hard to initiate conversations with people I don't know. I feel like I have to impress people and I take myself too seriously. At the moment I'm studying and it takes up all my spare time, but I know there is more to life. I feel like life is passing me by. For all that I've accomplished I feel like I've nothing.

I really just wanted to put this out because I have been carrying it around. If anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it.

CelticSpirit:o

pretty-in-pink

Is there anyone in work you are kinda friendly with? You could arrange to go to the cinema, or go on a dinner or something with work people, and see if you can make friends that way. If you were addicted to drugs/alcohol, then maybe going to NA or AA could help you to develop yourself (personally) and also you would meet other people like you.

There is also the whole join a club/society thing to meet new people, or take up a class (doesn't matter what in, so long as it interests you), and get talking to people there.

Also you say that you keep thinking about what you've done wrong, and how you can't relax. I would say 2 things to that:

1: Dwelling on a problem makes it bigger then it is, and so you dwell on it more etc etc. You need to just forget about it. Live each moment for the one you are in, not the one that’s coming, or the one that’s been. By focusing on your problems, when you could be getting to know people, you are ensuring that nothing changes. You can't get to know someone and be friends if most of your focus is on how you've messed up (or if it’s the opposite and you're focused on how great you are). Pay attention to your immediate surroundings and people. You'd be surprised at whats under your nose.

2: Be wary of self fulfilling prophesies. If you're a big bag of negativity, then that’s the vibe you'll give off, and nobody wants to be around a bad vibe, so people will stay away, and so it proves you right, which in turn starts it all over again. Basically, what you believe (and I do mean believe , you have to actually genuinely believe it) is what you receive. You can only get back what you give out. And if that’s positive then you'll get positive, but if its negativity, that’s what you'll get back.

My overall advice to you would be, live for the moment, and pay attention to who you are with and whets going on when you're out, as opposed to introspection on how you're lonely. If you start to enjoy yourself and your nights out, then who knows what will happen. Is there anyone you can talk to in RL about this? I think it would really help you if there was.

Crumble Froo

Emm... I would recommend not using AA/NA as a way of meeting people. from my own experience anyway, so many people ive met at those kinds of things are in a pretty crazy section of life, and, well, certainly for me, i found that i was either acting as someone for them to lean on and talk to,a dn it was pretty emotionally draining for me, and other times, despite being ina pretty good place in life, hearing all that talk etc about my addiction was like having someone dangling a carrot in front of me saying 'go on, you know you want it'.

that is my experience in that sorta area anyway, but would just have to throw it out there, and let you decide for yourself.

other than that, fair play for being in touch enough with yourself to recognise that you need a time out,a dn for actually taking it too.

as for making friends, you mention studying and competitive sports. do either of those present opportunities for meeting people? do you train with other people, or alone (or just not do the sports anymore?). i know how crap it can be being painfully shy, friendless, and trying to make friends. it's hard, it's bloody hard, but you are a very strong individual, and if you make your mind up that you're gonna do it, just work up the balls and ask someone if they want to go for a drink (the fact you dont drink doesnt matter, i know plenty of people your general age who dont drink, one who also struggled a lot with drugs etc), you can be honest, and say that nah you dont drink cos it's just really a bad thing for you (or whatever), or just shrug it off... actually, check out the non-drinker's forum on here, they have a few different lines etc for explaining non-drinking to drinkers.

and if you're really really really not good with just asking people to go out, one thought that struck me was boards! there's tonnes of forums etc here, basically, whatever you're interested in, odds are, you can find people to discuss it with. stick around long enough, you'll get to know people around the community, and there are regular beers. the advantage of this would be that when you do meet in person, you will have some idea of the person you're talking to, or meeting, and as well as that, any time i've been at a beers, ive often been sitting by myself at the start, and every time, someone has made a point of inviting me to conversation, or to join a table... in general, a very freindly crowd, and there's been numerous couples, hookups and friendships brought about cos of these boards.

dont know if that's the best advice in the world, but my 2c anwyay.

CelticSpirit

I've been to the NA for just that reason and I found it doesn't work for me either. The thing is aswell I'm very conscious of people I know finding out about my past so I stay away from anything to do with addiction, whatever...I have this vision of someone I know seeing me walk into a meeting, seeing me in a meeting or someone I know from there walking up to me at a bad time.

I may not have expressed myself 100% clearly. I'm not a loner. One of the things they told me in the residential was to join a club. I did that and I do competitive sports regularly. I have a good social network with this: trips away, races, training, nights out. One of the things with college for me is getting me out of the house on a weeknight. I was only out with the lads from the job last night. I do activities like paintballing with the lads from college.

I have a great time when I'm out with my friends. It's when I come home to an empty apartment that the loneliness is waiting to greet me. The thing is I haven't had a proper girlfriend since I turned myself around. I'm getting worried because I'm trying to change this and I can't seem to. It's like I'm used to this as the way things should be. It's like I'm accepting my condition.

I have everything going for me. I'm fit, brainy, good-looking:D and I can't understand why I have this trouble. I see other lads walking around with girls and I feel jealous. I can't understand why I don't have a girlfriend. I talk to girls all the time and I said I tried the Internet dating thing but it never seems to work for me. This is a real mental block for me that I can't seem to overcome. I feel like it's draggin me down. I'm not just looking for me hole(though that would be nice too), but who doesn't want to feel loved by someone?

The thing is I'm happy with my life except for this one obstacle. At the moment it's like I'm trapped in a vicous mental circle that I can't seem to get out of. I'm thinking of trying counselling because I don't think I could really talk to anyone else about it.