Socially undesirable

mizzoni

hey peeps,

iv'e read some posts about people being lonely and isolated because friendships have dwindled or they genuinely don't have any strong friendships.I find myself in the same situation.recently i came up with the term 'socially undesirable'.let me explain.
looking back on school times,people liked me in there,but thats as far as it went.might say hello to you outside of it but wouldn't exactly want to hang around with you.i did have one good friendship but he has turned into an acquaintance now because contact has become infrequent since the LC and that was seven years ago.i could never fit in with his circle of friends he made through his college.college for me was hell because it was when depression started kicking in hard,could not mix with anyone,and as you know its hard to crack the clique's once they're formed.once you're on your own,and you've very bad social skills it's downhill.i didn't finish the course.
all the replies to the peoples posts have all suggested getting out there,joining something or attending something that they can do and interact with people and its spot on advice.for the last 12months I have been attending an activity as i knew i had to do something,at one stage five times a week,depending on work hours.again,i only know people on a superficial level .Im friendly with people at it but once its over its over til the next meet.there are cliques that exist there and its difficult to break into them.
briefly,the last relationship i was in was over before i knew it and she was engaged to him 6weeks after she broke it off+married a year later which was in August.it was my first relationship,even though it was brief.it stings but that's life.
so my questions to anyone reading this is have they felt being in a similar situation where people would like you at work or an activity you do but just cant connect with people beyond the surface,how have you dealt with it or what are you doing that is working for you,or perhaps you knew of someone who got out of a rut and is now living happily.im 25 now and am at my wits end living this b#llsh!t

towel401

i'm 20 the same thing happend to me pretty much. but i have always lived in relative isolation so i'm used to it although other things are now starting to make me depressed.

most people i knew in secondary school either moved on or became scumbags. either way i don't see much of them. not finishing the course was a bad idea

some people don't get depressed by this at all. I know this one chick, never really talks to anyone at all comes home and sits in her room for the whole evening. not a peep out of her when she came over here. maybe she lives a secret life as a slut, bringing home different fellas every night but i really doubt it.

i used to be able to talk to randomers without any problems. now i'm just paranoid that everyone else will think i'm a stalker. they already think i'm a stalker for some reason and in these bitter times everyone seems to be afraid of randoms.

maybe there is a real life version of 'school for scoundrels' with a big black guy who smashes your blackberry to pieces and all.

BenjAii

Mizzoni, i'm no expert i'll admit, but what you are describing sounds an awful lot like depression.

If I was you, I would go and say what you have just posted here to your GP and tell them you want help.

I have a feeling that would set you down a path that might do a lot of good. Life shouldn't be the way you describe, it needs a fixing; the good news is that i'm guessing it could be fixed.

LegacyUser

Hi Mizzoni

I think i have been there on the socially undesirable too. When i was in school i could have been described as a 'nerd' or 'geek' with basically just a few friends. I spent all my time studying literally- and didnt understand that you had to make an effort with people. i rarely saw the few friends i had at the weekend - only during the week at school. I think i honestly was naturally like this - I was contented in my own company. It was as if i didnt know any better. When i look back i see that i was depressed at this time.

My life started to change for the better at 16, when i went abroad for a summer on an exchange program. I suddenly realised in order to make more friends you had to make an effort - be chatty with people, and show and intrest in their lives and be up for trying new experiences. I had to loosen up a bit and be up for a bit of fun. In short i had to come out of myself. It was like before i didnt know how to do this - how to connect with people.

Its hard to move from the superficial to deep with people. Maybe the people your meeting on your course are not people you could ever have a connection with? ie do you share common interests ect? are they completely different to you. I think you should try to move beyond the superficial with people. Maybe go to a boards beers - I have never been , but i would say its fun and you could interact with people.

Now i much happier in my life than when i was younger. I have more friends - not loads by any means but enought to be happy with- i know im never going to be one of these people who has 10 close friends - im happy with four or five. Try and improve on your connections with people it can be done - chat to them, show and intrest. Also try to find people who have something in common with yourself - it makes it easier.

dan_d

TO be honest....you've got to try harder.You keep saying there are "cliques".Yep there are, but are you using that as an excuse for the fact that you're really not that interested in getting to know people, or you're not trying hard enough?
I know you have problems with depression, and it's extremely hard. However I spent the first 6 months in college feeling really really lonely, down, horrible about myself and I was so shy it made it very difficult.I then realised that I have to make the effort...start showing up at the nights out, start eating lunch with people, start trying to talk to people, and suggesting maybe we should do this, go here, go there....don't come on too strong, but just gradually.If nothing else, it gives you common ground to start talking on.Showing up at an activity 5 nights of the week is grand, but did they ever go for drinks after, or meet up at other times?And did you go with them?
You've got to be chatty and interested, and respond to people. Small talk is hard, but it does get a bit easier with practice.Some people have it naturally,some don't.I don't but I force myself to try.Ask questions back, don't just reply, and wait for their next one.My major problem is that I don't want to sound nosey, but even as recently as this year I realised it's not nosiness it's just being interested, and making people feel like you're interested in them.And you really have to be up for just trying stuff out, when other people suggest it.You've got to loosen up and do things outside your comfort zone, just go with the flow.If someone says we're going away for a weekend, say you'd be interested in going.Whether you are or aren't, give it a shot.
You don't have to be someone who has loads and loads of friends, just be someone who has a couple of good ones.They usually mean a lot more than the groups of aquaintances.
Good luck!

von Neumann

I have a feeling there are lots of people out there that feel the same as you. 25 is a very difficult age, particularly for single guys.

Guys in particular we need common interests to keep us together, hence the obsession with sport. . there's a reason there is no such thing as a boyychat (girlychat) we just don't seem to have it in us.

Try talking to somebody (GP Counciller) about how you feel, as it clearly getting you down.

Seriously Don't be so hard on yourself, try and focus on the positives and the here and now.

mizzoni

well some of you have probably noticed i have low self-esteem,low confidence etc.i wrote it late at might so maybe i didn't articulate it as good as i could have.dont want to go into the past as its an emotional minefield,but I'll freely admit that I am taking medication for the dp but that p!sses me off that I have to resort to that.
You've got to be chatty and interested, and respond to people. Small talk is hard, but it does get a bit easier with practice.Some people have it naturally,some don't.I don't but I force myself to try.Ask questions back, don't just reply, and wait for their next one.My major problem is that I don't want to sound nosey, but even as recently as this year I realised it's not nosiness it's just being interested, and making people feel like you're interested in them.And you really have to be up for just trying stuff out, when other people suggest it.You've got to loosen up and do things outside your comfort zone, just go with the flow.If someone says we're going away for a weekend, say you'd be interested in going.Whether you are or aren't, give it a shot.
this is exactly what i've been doing!! and im not getting anywhere!! i dont have it naturally either,perhaps this is where the problem lies for myself and others,not learning those vital social skills when we were younger due to different circumstances.if we had that strong inner self,issues like this would be a hair off a dog.it would be great to be able to shrug off a broken relationship or a redundancy.
I'd like to thank everyone for replying

King John V

Mizzoni, what you're describing sounds like low self-confidence. Since my teens I often found the same thing. I've been very fortunate to meet some great people through the years but my inherent shyness often caused me to blend myself into the background. I think it's a case of comfort zones. While around social groups I'd tend to play an 'on-looker' role rather than getting involved in conversation...just not knowing what to say really.

What worked for me was seeing some of the groupies by themselves. They might be in the library, shop or bar etc. but I'd always make an effort to call over to say 'hello'. It takes time, but by showing an interest you get to know them better, what their interests are and stuff that will form a link for when you see them again. Keep your chin up mate . It isn't always easy but bit by bit it can form the basis of lasting friendships.

LegacyUser

take up surfing my friend there's no better way to make you feel at one with the world. You nod to the other people in the car park share a few waves get friendly in the water then chat for a while about surfing or the enviroment then go home. It's helped me no end :-) Depression what depression!

Four-Too

I'm sorry to hear that mate. Is it possible to be socially acceptable but not drink alcohol in this country?? I just could not stick a night out with lads full of drink, and me sober, tried it. I was on a totally different wavelenght to them. These wee not close mates, but it made me sad nonetheless. I think my problem is my ego, anything which attacks my ego I have great fear of. I want to destroy my ego. Then there is my fear that people wont accept/like me for who I am.
I left my mates you could say, because all I was getting was more and more "dont be a dry****e" and urging me to engage in undesirable behaviour. I have faith in God, and I have my morals, and I fear having mates that would lead me into bad behaviour. It takes a strong person to change their mates like that, to help them see things from your point of view.
Now I feel lost without my mates, and I find it difficult to socialize properly, I dont live in a big town. It seems so hard to get to know neighbours my age, and even people in town. I would hve to sit in the pub nearly everynight to try and meet new people......what should I do?
I hope my own post helps you.

mizzoni

Four-Too wrote: »

I'm sorry to hear that mate. Is it possible to be socially acceptable but not drink alcohol in this country?? I just could not stick a night out with lads full of drink, and me sober, tried it. I was on a totally different wavelenght to them. These wee not close mates, but it made me sad nonetheless. I think my problem is my ego, anything which attacks my ego I have great fear of. I want to destroy my ego. Then there is my fear that people wont accept/like me for who I am.
I left my mates you could say, because all I was getting was more and more "dont be a dry****e" and urging me to engage in undesirable behaviour. I have faith in God, and I have my morals, and I fear having mates that would lead me into bad behaviour. It takes a strong person to change their mates like that, to help them see things from your point of view.
Now I feel lost without my mates, and I find it difficult to socialize properly, I dont live in a big town. It seems so hard to get to know neighbours my age, and even people in town. I would hve to sit in the pub nearly everynight to try and meet new people......what should I do?
I hope my own post helps you.

four to,I can relate to what you said.i dont drink myself because I need my licence for the job,and i hate tobacco,both conventional and whacky!my friend knew i hated smoking that shyt and didnt drink so thats why he wouldnt ring up when they were having sessions.its a pain in the hole i know,because its just not a quality life when you'd like to have that group of mates to have the craic with but dont