Left alone

LegacyUser

Regular boardsie here, going anon for obvious reasons

My partner and I had a baby a few months ago, and we love her to bits. Had a row there over the weekend and she has now gone home with our baby.
The Preamble

My mother can be over bearing at times and always thinks that her way is the right, regardless of what we(the parents) think. She is the way she is, and she can't be changed so I've learned to live with it and just ignore her and smile passively. We've had an issue with the baby that she needs treatment for, and we are happy with the way the doctors are dealing with it. My mother seems to think that someone she knows can wave a magic wand over this and it will be all better, and because she thinks she's right she tends to force this on us. My partner has great difficulty in accepting this and resents her for it. So much so that we end up rowing over our parents, as rediculous as it sounds. I get the feeling that her parents are perfect, but mine can't do anything right even before they have said a word, almost like she knows what they are going to say before they said it. They are pre judged so to speak.
In addition to this I had a 'personal' injury some weeks ago which required some surgery and stiches 'there' and its been a painful recovery. I can't cuddle her at all at night for fear of the obvious and that has taken its toll to, as she tends to think that I have drifted from her which is not the case at all. All of this was compounded over the weekend and we had a big row yesterday which we haven't solved.
She has now gone home for a few days (?) and taken our baby with her. I tried as hard as I could to fix this, but I can't seem to get this sorted. I'm completely devastated. I'm totally lost and don't know what to do. I went to work this morning in the knowledge that they wouldn't be here when I got back, I was gutted. It was really hard. Work was fine as luckily I am mad busy at work and it totally distracts me from everyday life. I put off leaving work as long as I could this evening as I quite literally have nothing to go home to. I am now at home, and all around me are reminders of our family, and all I have is the knowledge that they aren't here and I don't know when they will be home if at all..

I don't have anyone to turn to, I'm not that close with my family for these sort of issues and I don't really have any friends. My little family is (was) all that I have. I'm totally lost and I am struggling to find direction. All I have is me and my head. The only other thing I have is drink, and although it doesn't solve anything, it helps numb the pain at the moment

I really don't know what to do.................

Redpunto

You need to go where she and the baby are and try and sort it out. Is she far from you, can you take a couple of days off work to sort it out, after all this is more important!! She might feel that by you not standing up to your mam that youre somehow not defending your own family. You need to stand up to her now that you have your own family unit, especially if its causing problems with the OH. Your OH is still recovering from giving birth, etc....so you need to be delicate over the whole issue but let her know how you feel,,,

St Bill

OP, my heart goes out to you but you'll have to nip the domineering mother issue in the bud right now. You say that she's not able to change, never mind that....you can change instead. Put your partner and child first and insist that your mother keep her nose out. How far does your mother's dominance have to go before the sh*t hits the fan?
With respect to your physical closeness, did you talk to your partner about this? Does she know you're keeping your distance because of the surgery?

Good luck

Dizzyblonde

^ +1

You really are going to have to have a chat with your mother. Your partner and child have to come first now, and if your mother is interfering and poking her nose in, no matter how well-meaning she is, you'll have to tell her to stop.

Sleepy

OP, you need to tell the mammy to butt out. Hard as it'll be, it's going to be necessary for you to have a chat with her wearing your parent hat rather than your her child who needs everything done for him one.

Fiend-Foe

What the other posters have said +100 you need some boundaries, and your Mother needs to know where they are.

Unregistered wrote: »

All I have is me and my head. The only other thing I have is drink, and although it doesn't solve anything, it helps numb the pain at the moment

This is not a good mix, trust me. Your problems will get a whole lot worse before they get better. If you must drink maybe go to your local, might get talking to someone or have a bit of banter. Don't drink alone with your own thoughts you will do your own head in.

You should take the day off work, weather hasn't been so bad last few days see if your OH will go for a day out with you and the little one.

Maybe the zoo if your in Dublin. Just something nice and simple, spend some quality time alone but away from your home because thats where the tension has been building.

deisemum

You're a father now and have your own family who should be your priority. I'm not a bit surprised your partner and baby are gone and if you want them back on a permanent basis then you need to put your mother in her place.

Your mother is bang out of order. You by not standing up to your mother is giving her the green light as your inaction is enabling her to get away doing and saying what she likes. You say your partner has great difficulty accepting your mother's carry on well she shouldn't have to accept it and it's not reasonable to expect her to.

If your mother's behaviour isn't nipped in the bud now it will only get worse and she'll end up undermining your partner, it will put a hell of a lot more pressure on your relationship with your partner that will only escalate. You've only had a few months of it, just imagine putting up with years and years of it.

From personal experience and from years of venting between friends comparing how overbearing and horrible our mother in laws became particularly once we had children and the strains it put on our marriages I'd advise anyone to nip things in the bud. Nip it in the bud now and you'll save yourself years of grief which will only get worse and you'll be caught in the middle.

Most of the arguments between hubby and myself were down to his interfering mother. In the end I lost respect for him as he was too chicken sh1t to put his wife and children before his mother and we separated and were well down the legal route towards a judicial separation. He eventually grew a pair and we resolved our issues concerning his family. We attended couple counselling and the counsellor left him in no doubt where his loyalties should be.

Like you my hubby used to just say that his parents are just the way they are but guess what they've changed, on the surface anyway and that's fine by me. Boy has the worm turned, the inlaws haven't once stuck their noses in where it isn't wanted which is as it should be and hubby is very happy not to be caught in the middle. Mind you if things ever started up I'd pull the inlaws up on it myself, there and then as advised by our counsellor.

I hope you can work this out. It would be a shame to lose your family over not having a chat with your mother. If you do have a chat with your mother then please say it's how both you and your partner feel so she doesn't try and make out it's your partner putting you up to it. Good luck

Is this a serious issue or run of the mill? Is your Mum advocating a country cure?

It seems completely OTT to get upset about lack of intimacy caused by an obvious injury.
Likewise taking your child away from it father should be a last resort.
I wonder if your partner hasn't a domineering streak herself.

paperclip2

Moonbaby wrote: »

Is this a serious issue or run of the mill? Is your Mum advocating a country cure?

It seems completely OTT to get upset about lack of intimacy caused by an obvious injury.
Likewise taking your child away from it father should be a last resort.
I wonder if your partner hasn't a domineering streak herself.

The woman has just had a baby. Trust me, it will take a few more months before hormones etc settle down and til then she may not be her usual self and deal with stuff as well as she might.

Also the M-i-l is a little (a lot) out of order. It doesn't matter if her way is the best way. She's not the parent. It's fine to offer advice but leave it at that, don't insist, don't dominate, don't interfere. It's up to the new parents to find their own parenting style and that includes deciding on medical treatment.

There all sorts of learning going on here OP, you and your partner are learning to be mammy and daddy and your parents learning how to be granny and grandad. Just because you have kids of your own doesn't mean you automatically know how to be grandparents. Speaking from experience here!

I hope it all works out OP. Talk to your missus, find out how she's really feeling, it could be that she's still feeling the baby blues, not post-partum depression, but simply trying to come to an acceptance of her new role as a Mammy. She might be feeling unattractive, she might be doubting her ability as a parent, she might be feeling loads of things. Having someone she knows is unequivocaly in her corner is really important. Part of your job is about creating the physical space for her so she can work stuff out and figure out how to be the best Mammy she can be. At the moment your partner might feel that she's sharing this space with Yore Ma! (sorry, couldn't resist ) I know this is all about your missus here and that you have a need to bond and create a relationship with your baby too but right at this moment it looks as if your partner has the bigger need in this regard. If you look at it this way she's actually being quite sensible, she's gone somewhere she knows she'll get the emotional support she needs right now. Thats actually a good thing. You just need to show her that you can provide this for her too.

Long post, sorry. I know its all over the place. Best of luck OP and Congratulations on becoming a dad!

AngryBadger

Moonbaby wrote: »

Is this a serious issue or run of the mill? Is your Mum advocating a country cure?

It seems completely OTT to get upset about lack of intimacy caused by an obvious injury.
Likewise taking your child away from it father should be a last resort.
I wonder if your partner hasn't a domineering streak herself.

Have to say I'm inclined to wonder the exact same things myself.

I realise that after giving birth a womans hormones are often complete sideways, but the OP mentions that the birth took place several months ago, so I have to wonder if it's reasonable for his wife to be carrying on like this now? And if she is does it indicate some underlying problem she has?

OP I agree with everyone who's saying that you need to talk to your wife and try to work this out. But I'm inclined to feel your wife is bang out of order here, or at the very least her reaction is OTT. I don't know exactly how "involved" your mother is in your lives, but to take your daughter away and move back to her own mothers? WTF is that about? Also, if you have an injury then she should understand that.

Other than encouraging you to talk to her and try to work this out I'm not sure what advice I can give OP, but I think your wife is in the wrong here, not you.

marti101

It takes a year or 18 months for your hormones to go back but sometimes it can take longer,you should be on your partners side but also point out to her that taking the baby away is not the answer.But she could have went because she was going to say something to your Mother.I think really you know you should have said something but didnt,get on the phone and tell your oh she/baby are first now and they wont have to listen to bull**** from your mother.

missmatty

Sounds like the MIL carried on till it reached the last straw for your wife, and you sound like you were just ignoring your mother's carry-on. You need to put your wife and child first and tell your mother to butt out. If you don't grow a pair this may eventually lead to your wife going for good.

AngryBadger

I accept that the MIL has no business telling the OP and his wife how to care for their child, however my interpretation of the original post is that the OP doesn't take heed of what his mother says and jsut does what he and his wife think is best for their child (eg. looking after whatever health issue arose with their daughter, the MIL insisted she knew somebody, but the OP and his wife went and dealt with it themselves). In that case I don't see what people expect the OP to do re; the MIL? He's hardly going to cut her off is he? And why shouldn't she be allowed to voice her opinions? That doesn't mean the OP has to pay any heed to them, and from his own account he generally doesn't seem to, so I don't really understand why the MIL is an issue?

Re: Hormones, ok, we have up to 18 months for hormones to settle, and we've been told it's been several months since the birth, if her hormones are up in the air, then in my view that goes a long way to explaining this OTT reaction by the OPs wife, which means the OP hasn't done anything wrong.

I'm not disputing he needs to talk to his wife, presumably if they had a child together there's a relationship between them which they both would want to salvage, however on the strength of what we're being told in this thread I don't feel the OP is in the wrong, I actually feel he's caught between a rock and a hard place with his wife, she knows this, and she's using it to the fullest extent.

kmick

Siiting at home drinking aint going to help. You better take a long weekend from work. Go visit your wife and baby. Take her flowers, offer to bring the baby for walks while she sleeps. Let her know you are there for the baby and her and from now on MIL's will be kept on a tight leash (hers too by the way). You dont say if your MIL likes you or not? This situation seems far from acute but you better jump into action before it gets that way.

LegacyUser

Angrybadger:
You are correct in saying that whatever my mother says goes in one ear and out the other. If I don't agree with it, it won't sway me and I will do what I and my partner think is best. We are the parents after all.

Just the other day in fact my dad wanted to bring my baby into the neighbours for a visit. I asked him to take her in the car seat as that's what it for, to make sure she is safe. She immediately butted in and said there was no need. I told her that if he is bringing her anywhere to use the seat. her next retort was 'God you must think that we don't know what we are doing and we've never raised any kids on our own' My opinion was not relevent, I'm only the father after all!. So that's an idea of what I'm faced with.

I am caught between a rock and a hard place. My mother does not listen to reason, regardless of how tactful (or not as the case may be) you are about anything. I know that if I do say something about it, even if it is my own feelings it will be interpreted that I was put up to it by my partner. If you don't agree with what she says or similar, she takes it personally that its you that she's against rather than you have an opinion that differs from her.
My dad doesn't bother trying any more, After 20 odd years of trying he's given up the ghost so its a safe assumption that its pointless trying to get through to her. That's why I don't take any heed of her. Its the best way to get around it, otherwise it'll only lead to her getting upset, and thinking that its either a personal attack on her or I was put up to it.
I genuinely don't think I have done anything wrong, but I'm not subborn and i am willing to do what is needed to put things right, but she's my mother ffs! you can't choose your family can you?

My partner can be stubborn, but I don't think she is domineering. No one is perfect, and especially not me.
Hope I've explained myself a bit better.

Redpunto

Unregistered wrote: »

Angrybadger:
You are correct in saying that whatever my mother says goes in one ear and out the other. If I don't agree with it, it won't sway me and I will do what I and my partner think is best. We are the parents after all.

Just the other day in fact my dad wanted to bring my baby into the neighbours for a visit. I asked him to take her in the car seat as that's what it for, to make sure she is safe. She immediately butted in and said there was no need. I told her that if he is bringing her anywhere to use the seat. her next retort was 'God you must think that we don't know what we are doing and we've never raised any kids on our own' My opinion was not relevent, I'm only the father after all!. So that's an idea of what I'm faced with.

I am caught between a rock and a hard place. My mother does not listen to reason, regardless of how tactful (or not as the case may be) you are about anything. I know that if I do say something about it, even if it is my own feelings it will be interpreted that I was put up to it by my partner. If you don't agree with what she says or similar, she takes it personally that its you that she's against rather than you have an opinion that differs from her.
My dad doesn't bother trying any more, After 20 odd years of trying he's given up the ghost so its a safe assumption that its pointless trying to get through to her. That's why I don't take any heed of her. Its the best way to get around it, otherwise it'll only lead to her getting upset, and thinking that its either a personal attack on her or I was put up to it.
I genuinely don't think I have done anything wrong, but I'm not subborn and i am willing to do what is needed to put things right, but she's my mother ffs! you can't choose your family can you?

My partner can be stubborn, but I don't think she is domineering. No one is perfect, and especially not me.
Hope I've explained myself a bit better.

Sounds like your ma has gotten used to being able to say these things without people close to her standing her ground. You will have to get serious with your ma if you want to keep your relationship with your OH. At one stage we refused to visit the house, we didnt see the in laws for about 3 months even though they live only 10 mins down the road. Things had gotten so serious that it was well, if youre not going to change, we wont be there to hear it.

Sleepy

Moving away from your parents an option?

4zn76tysfajdxp

Unregistered wrote: »

Angrybadger:
You are correct in saying that whatever my mother says goes in one ear and out the other. If I don't agree with it, it won't sway me and I will do what I and my partner think is best. We are the parents after all.

Just the other day in fact my dad wanted to bring my baby into the neighbours for a visit. I asked him to take her in the car seat as that's what it for, to make sure she is safe. She immediately butted in and said there was no need. I told her that if he is bringing her anywhere to use the seat. her next retort was 'God you must think that we don't know what we are doing and we've never raised any kids on our own' My opinion was not relevent, I'm only the father after all!. So that's an idea of what I'm faced with.

I am caught between a rock and a hard place. My mother does not listen to reason, regardless of how tactful (or not as the case may be) you are about anything. I know that if I do say something about it, even if it is my own feelings it will be interpreted that I was put up to it by my partner. If you don't agree with what she says or similar, she takes it personally that its you that she's against rather than you have an opinion that differs from her.
My dad doesn't bother trying any more, After 20 odd years of trying he's given up the ghost so its a safe assumption that its pointless trying to get through to her. That's why I don't take any heed of her. Its the best way to get around it, otherwise it'll only lead to her getting upset, and thinking that its either a personal attack on her or I was put up to it.
I genuinely don't think I have done anything wrong, but I'm not subborn and i am willing to do what is needed to put things right, but she's my mother ffs! you can't choose your family can you?

My partner can be stubborn, but I don't think she is domineering. No one is perfect, and especially not me.
Hope I've explained myself a bit better.

Don't let your mother see the baby until she cops herself on. Just because your Dad has resigned to a liftime of whippery doesn't mean you can't show the bollocks necessary to kick her into her place. And stop drinking to numb the pain, you're a Dad now, grow up and show your OH how much of an adult you are.

How Strange

OP, it seems to me that there are a quite a few things going on in this situation; firstly, you and your partner are new parents and you are coping with the change in your relationship and lives that being new parents entails; secondly, your child requires medical attention for a condition/illness so that is an added worry; thirdly, you are trying to assert yourself as a father so that means the dynamics in the relationship with your parents has changed as you are now a parent yourself.

The same applies for your partner; she is now a mother with the ferocious, protective love that comes with being a mother/parent. You are both probably insecure in these new found roles and so are still probably trying to assert yourselves and are sensitive to apparent criticism. Finally, you've had a procedure which means you can't have sex just now so on top of all this you've withdrawn from contact with your partner.

IMO, these are some massive adjustments to cope with and it's no wonder the cracks are showing. Talk to your partner, talk this thing through. Talk about your mother and how you both will deal with her controlling behaviour while still including her (she will be a great babysitter!)

I really don't think this is a make or break situation but rather it is a test of your endurance as a couple as you move into a new phase in your relationship and adjust to being a family.

Good luck.

peaches79

It sounds to me like your wife is interpreting your passiveness with your mother as an inability to stick up for your own family/her?
As another poster said, it may be that you and your dad have become used to your mother being that way, but the situation may be tough for your wife to accept. And she can hardly make a big deal of it directly with your mam and cause a row can she? It sounds like she needs you to stand up and shield her and your baby from the behaviour which you can't do by being passive.

It's tough situation- but how about bringing your mam out for coffee/ meal- just the two of you- and explaining that you need space to learn and do your own thing with your family the same way she did? Maybe you could have a laugh about your childhood too? Can you have this kind of conversation with your mam without it getting horrible?

And on the other side, go after your wife and apologise and make her feel loved. Best of luck

PS- I've had to tell my own mam to stop with the advice a few times. I don't think she even hears herself doing it anymore

beth-lou

Hi OP,

This is a tough situation, but you are going to have to tackle your mother or you are going to lose your partner. Your mother has no right to interfere with your parenting. I know all mothers like to give advice and that is fine and as a new Mother you learn to just nod and let it go in one ear and out the other, although it can be very hard to do. However, your mother sounds much more intense and domineering than most and she doesn't sound like she has any regard for you or your partners feelings. I feel really sorry for your partner. You are still trembling at the thought of saying no to Mammy. Well you have your own family now and it's about time that you stood up and became the king of your own castle and told your mother that this is your child, you are the ones who brought her into this world and you are the ones who are going care for her and deal with the medical problem under the guidance of medical professionals. Tell her that the world is a different place now and there are new ways to deal with the issues at hand and she has to trust that you are well informed and are doing the best that you can.

How can you have a proper relationship with your partner when your mother is still the first female in your life. You have to cut those apron strings and grow up. I imagine your partner sees her whole life before her where you and her are at the mercy of your mothers will. Well if you don't put a stop to it, your partner will have to for her own sanity, by breaking up with you. The choice is yours, tell your mother what the appropriate behaviour is as a grandparent, and remind her that that is what she is, the granny, and if she doesn't like it then that is something you will have to deal with. You have two women in your life vying for the top spot, whichone are going to pick? You can't have both on that pedastill.

And I am horrified at your mothers attitude to child seats. It's a case of mother really doesn't know best and you'd want to start telling her so.

Ring your partner and apologise. If you can't come together as parents and become a family unit, you are in for a very rocky road. Your partner is sad and lonely I'd imagine and just wants to know that you can be strong for her and your baby and that you will back her up. If you are not prepared to do this for them, well then maybe you should be livingback with your parents. But I think you want to move on, but are afraid. well, it's time to stand up and finally let your Mother know you're the man. Tell your partner you love her, reassure her and explain why you haven't been intimate. It is a really strange time for a woman after she has a baby. She probably feels very unattractive, her body is all over the place and she probably thinks you aren't attracted to ehr. Those hormones are crazy things and can make the mos sane and calm woman feel all types of insecurities.

Sort this out. Don't go drinking on your own. Fix the problem. It's very easy. Just tell your ma to butt out, you want her to be a great granny but to leave the parenting to you and tell your OH you love her.

barbiegirl

My husband and I are trying for a baby, and I see my future in your wife. Talk to your mum, tell her she needs to butt out as the above posters have said. Then talk to your partner and win her back. She loves you, you love her, you have a beautiful child, so work through this.

LegacyUser

hello,

I just got married to a man who has a similar mother.
She is nosey, bossy, interfering and because she was a single parent she can do no wrong in his eyes and never had anyone stand up to her!

At least you can see when your Mum is worng, my husband can't

I cannot imagine what it will be like if we have children as I just know it will be "Mum said this ..." non stop. And you cannot say a word against her either.

So although your case is not as extreme as mine it's easy for your partner to feel threatened as it sounds as if your mum rules the roost, she's in charge of your father and wants to be in charge of you ... and as you say "She's my mother ffs, you can't choose your family etc".
That to me sounds a bit like you're saying "Well I can't do anything about it so she may just put up with it as I have to"
(Sorry if this is not the case)
You need to really reassure your partner that you her and the baby are a new family, and you make your own rules, even if this is the case now, she is no doubt feeling pressured a sick child , no matter how serious or not serious it is, can be devestating for any parent but especially a new parent. She's only just become a Mummy and already "something's wrong" and her (and your!) decisions as a parent are already being questioned and/or critisiced (sorry for my awful spelling) by this other woman who no doubt she has clashed with many times in the past.
I'm guessing she is feeling put out, not good enough, confused and needs some space.
All you can do is reassure her that this is not how it is and in time she will return to you.
Please don't feel that this is the end, when people have a row like this they can need some time to get their head straight.
Just because she left to go to her parents doesn't mean she has or wants to go for good.
Best of luck and stay positive.
xxx

AngryBadger

How Strange wrote: »

OP, it seems to me that there are a quite a few things going on in this situation; firstly, you and your partner are new parents and you are coping with the change in your relationship and lives that being new parents entails; secondly, your child requires medical attention for a condition/illness so that is an added worry; thirdly, you are trying to assert yourself as a father so that means the dynamics in the relationship with your parents has changed as you are now a parent yourself.

The same applies for your partner; she is now a mother with the ferocious, protective love that comes with being a mother/parent. You are both probably insecure in these new found roles and so are still probably trying to assert yourselves and are sensitive to apparent criticism. Finally, you've had a procedure which means you can't have sex just now so on top of all this you've withdrawn from contact with your partner.

IMO, these are some massive adjustments to cope with and it's no wonder the cracks are showing. Talk to your partner, talk this thing through. Talk about your mother and how you both will deal with her controlling behaviour while still including her (she will be a great babysitter!)

I really don't think this is a make or break situation but rather it is a test of your endurance as a couple as you move into a new phase in your relationship and adjust to being a family.

Good luck.

As far as I'm concerned this is the best, most constructive post yet in this thread.
Personally I think it's the OPs wife that needs to accomodate things, not the OP. He's already said that within the context of his own family life his mothers mewlings hold no sway, so what's his wifes problem exactly? Does she realistically expect the OP to stop talking to his mother if after n20 years his own father has no luck with her?

A lot of people are saying he should withhold access to his daughter and similar "solutions", to me this kind of thing is idiotic in the extremes. The situation asit stands is an over-bearing MIL who ultimately has no influence. If the OP starts preventing his parents from having access to their grand-daughter then you suddenly have a major issue, and a rift in a family.

How can anyone think this is the best way to address this situation? And why is the OPs wife throwing a strop voer it? I could accept her being annoyed, but taking the OPs daughter back home to her own family is complete and utter childish BS from where I'm sitting.

playbunnyplay

OP... sorry to hear about your trouble with your wife..... choose who you want to spend the rest of your life with.. your wife has given you an ultimatum even though shes hasn't come right out and said it she wants you to choose who you want to be with... can you see your life with out her? and see your self being told by yer mammy what to do with the rest of your life.... for the rest of your life? for some ppl they love having there mammy around and holding there hand in everything they do. when you have input from any third party into a cpls relationship its not going to work. simple as. pony up dude as they say in the states and grow a pair of balls and tell your mother to back off. your wife will never have respect for you if you do and she ever comes back to you.

LegacyUser

So what are you saying angry badger that his partner should just shut up and put up with a domineering, interfering old matriarch in her own house? And the op should just stand by and let his mother come into their home and throw her weight around as if it were her child and her home? And it is ok for her to patronise his partner and their parenting skills?
I agree a certain amount of leeway has to be given to in laws and parents, but this is out of hand and beyond what can be ignored.

I'm sorry OP, but your mother is out of line.

How would you feel if her father was doing the same to you and she just stood by and said, "Oh well, he's me Da, just put up with it."

At some point you move away from your family and start your own. At this point they should be your number one priority and your own family should respect this. In this case your mother is not respecting this and your wife is feeling that. Never let anyone come between you and her. You are well within your rights to tell your mother to back off. I don't think you should deny her access, but maybe if you can't get her to cop on, you should arrange visits without your partner, not ideal but maybe a possible solution, although the same issues will rear their ugly head again and again if not dealt with.

Angrybadger, how can you ignore the fact that his partner is feeling put out by his reluctance to stand up to this woman? I find it hard to understand. I am guessing that you don't have kids yet and so maybe you don't understand the complexities of parenthood and how an interfering parent can make your life very stressful and hellish. Not to mention how his partner may be feeling in herself.

Maybe she shouldn't have bolted to her parents house. It was an extreme reaction. Possibly brought on by raging hormones, or feeling out of control in her own home. Only the OP can find out the answers and he is going ot have to sit down and have a heart to heart with her to find out and come up with a solution. I don't think the OP has essentially knowingly done anything wrong. But he needs to talk with is partner, listen to her and try to address this problem. He's an adult now, not a little boy.

LolaDub

I think you need to let your wife know that she and baby come first. You know your mother is difficult but you don't pay any attention to her. She may have perceived your not arguing with your mother as being in agreement with her and felt pushed out. Let her know this isn't the case. To your mother try to tell her that while you respect and value her opinion greatly times have changed (ie the car seat issue) and you are the parents now of your child, you get to make the decisions and she gets to be the doting grandmother. She should be enjoying her time with a new child without the responsibiltity of making the choices and dealing with all the problems. Let her know she's missing out. How many of us have heard from grandparents-isn't it great when you can give them back

AngryBadger

Unregistered wrote: »

So what are you saying angry badger that his partner should just shut up and put up with a domineering, interfering old matriarch in her own house? And the op should just stand by and let his mother come into their home and throw her weight around as if it were her child and her home? And it is ok for her to patronise his partner and their parenting skills?
I agree a certain amount of leeway has to be given to in laws and parents, but this is out of hand and beyond what can be ignored.

The OP hasn't said that his Mother is there 24/7 every single day dictating how he and his partner should live their lives. This is a conclusion the mob reached. We deal with people we find disagreeable. Most of us are mature enough to make the distinction between relationships where we can simple stop associating with people, and relationships where we can't do this. The OP and his own father have both decided the best way to deal with his mother is ignore her rants and get on with things as they see fit, which means she has no real input into their lives. Accordingly I don't understand why his wife has such a problem with her?

Unregistered wrote: »

Angrybadger, how can you ignore the fact that his partner is feeling put out by his reluctance to stand up to this woman? I find it hard to understand. I am guessing that you don't have kids yet and so maybe you don't understand the complexities of parenthood and how an interfering parent can make your life very stressful and hellish. Not to mention how his partner may be feeling in herself. Maybe she shouldn't have bolted to her parents house. It was an extreme reaction.

Yes. It was an extreme reaction, one that is being roundly justified by "hormones". But I'd bet good money that if the situation were reversed, if the OP had taken his daughter to his familys house most of the posters in here would be screaming bloody murder.

Once again. I'm not disputing that the MIL is out of line. What I am disputing is the idiocy and childishness of everyone coming on here and telling the OP to "grow a pair, and stand up to her". which will most definitely result in a conflict with his MIL, and for what gain exactly???

From my perspective it seems like the OPs wife is being way OTT about this and needs to cop on. Whcih would be fine, but somehow this has jumped to her taking his child away from him...

SpookyDoll

OP you've got to man up and tell your Mam to back off.

Its your and your girls baby NOT HERS!

Seriously, after money the biggest cause of resentment in relationships is........in laws....its ok for you if you want to put up with the interfering Mother BUT your girl doesnt have to and whats more its causing her to panic and remove herself physically from the "threat"

Do not come between mother and baby and never allow anyone else to either.

You say you cant turn to your old family in times of trouble, well that tells you everything you need to know, dont waste your time trying to pacify and please your Mam.

Put your girl and baby FIRST, do things the way your girl wants to.

If your Mother doesnt like it, tough.

davyjose

OP, your the parent now. Get it? You're someone else's parent, and you have a partner who needs your love and support. I'm sure you love your Mother, but her job is finished; she's brought up her child*, who is now an adult and needs to do the same for their child. Grow a pair and be a man for your partner and a Dad for your kid.

*That's you BTW

Pub07

AngryBadger wrote: »

The OP hasn't said that his Mother is there 24/7 every single day dictating how he and his partner should live their lives. This is a conclusion the mob reached. We deal with people we find disagreeable. Most of us are mature enough to make the distinction between relationships where we can simple stop associating with people, and relationships where we can't do this. The OP and his own father have both decided the best way to deal with his mother is ignore her rants and get on with things as they see fit, which means she has no real input into their lives. Accordingly I don't understand why his wife has such a problem with her?

As Spooklydoll mentioned Seriously - "after money the biggest cause of resentment in relationships is........in laws....". Another poster posted that they had separated with their OH and were well on their way to judicial separation due to a MIL, until the husband eventually copped on. So it is a real issue that can cause a permanent break up and the op's wife is totally right to be so put out over this. Just because her husband (and his father) have been pussywhipped into submission over probably 30 years or more doesn't mean someone who is not even a blood relative of this person should have to endure someone constantly undermining them and acting like a right bitch for the next X amount of years.

You can't see why his wife has such a problem with it? If you had someone patronising you and undermining you the whole time and telling you how you should be running your child's life you wouldn't be put out be it? Well I most certainly wouldn't, I wouldn't take that crap off anybody.

Once again. I'm not disputing that the MIL is out of line. What I am disputing is the idiocy and childishness of everyone coming on here and telling the OP to "grow a pair, and stand up to her". which will most definitely result in a conflict with his MIL, and for what gain exactly???

I'll tell you for what. To save his wife having to endure this crap for years on end, something that will most definately put a big strain on their relationship, as it already has. She's already moved back home with her parents for a while in protest at the situation, if the OP doesn't stand up to his mother and tell her to butt out he is effectively (in a passive way) saying his mother is more important to him than his new (as in with his wife and child) family.

From my perspective it seems like the OPs wife is being way OTT about this and needs to cop on. Whcih would be fine, but somehow this has jumped to her taking his child away from him...

She's a new mother who has got out of the house for a bit to take a break from rowing with the OP and having to listen to his bitch of his mother, its not as if she's taken the child away permanently or to some far flung location as your sentence seems to imply.

metrovelvet

If there is tension and fighting in the house it is good that she has removed the baby and taken the baby to a place where there is peace. Hostile and tension filled enviroments can adversly affect the baby as well as her ability to parent. Sure it may be raging hormones, but I can tell you from experience that the sleep deprivation, the isolation, etc is brutal on one's mental health and what may seem extreme to you, may be necessary to her survival [literally]. Women with new babies can do and say drastic things just to stop themselves from throwing themselves off the nearest bridge. It is an extremely vulnerable time for a new mother, I can see how you not backing her up could make her afraid.

The good news is you know where she has taken the baby, she is reachable.

Your OH is your child's mother. You need to back her up or it will adversly affect her parenting and your child's respect for her and you will run into trouble up the road. Interfering grannies are a menace to society! They must be stopped. Believe me, I have not had dissimilar problems. Very tricky.

LegacyUser

You say you cant turn to your old family in times of trouble,

Not the case. I would rather not talk to them simply because we are not that emotionally close as a family. we feel akward talking about these things

I've spoken to my parents yesterday and cleared things up with them and explained the situation, so that bit has been done. it was very hard to do, but done none the less and that issue is done. I explained this to my OH and asked her to come home so we can sort it out and she has now said that she wants until next week to think about things. I'm confused as when she left she said that she can't stay at home for ever, which said to me that she didn't really want to go. Now she is saying that she doesn't want to come home?? Not sure exactly what is going on now.

Amazotheamazing

Unregistered wrote: »

Not the case. I would rather not talk to them simply because we are not that emotionally close as a family. we feel akward talking about these things

I've spoken to my parents yesterday and cleared things up with them and explained the situation, so that bit has been done. it was very hard to do, but done none the less and that issue is done. I explained this to my OH and asked her to come home so we can sort it out and she has now said that she wants until next week to think about things. I'm confused as when she left she said that she can't stay at home for ever, which said to me that she didn't really want to go. Now she is saying that she doesn't want to come home?? Not sure exactly what is going on now.

A week is a long time.

Were I you I'd take the rest off the week off and go to her. Have an honest heart to heart about what you both want from your relationship and how you want your life together to progress.

Minor issues can become major issues very fast, just talk to her, face to face.

peaches79

Good for you for tackling the situation with your mum, you deserve credit for that. It may well be that between hormones and this going on a while she's now just being stubborn. God knows I can be a stubborn mule sometimes even to my own detriment. Sometimes it takes a while to calm down from being angry.

Like the last poster suggestion, make a big gesture to show her you care- take some time off, go up and lay your heart out. I hope things resolve for you soon

Dizzyblonde

Well done on sorting things out with your parents.
With your baby being only a few months old your partner's hormones will be all over the place. She might even want to stay with her mother for a while because she's panicking now that she has a little person completely dependent on her. You need to talk to her and be very patient - she could even have a touch of postnatal depression (I'm not saying she does, just that it's possible).