Boyfriends friend Invasive...

LegacyUser

My boyfriends friend is starting to do my head in lately. Its as if he is a third person in the couple. He lives about an hours drive away and is often at a loose end and lately this means coming up to ours all the time.

The problem is he never seems to want to go home, believe me I am not backward in being forward when it comes to asserting myself but this all seemed to happen so gradually I failed to notice it properly.

Nothing seems to put him off either, tonight we were over at a friends place, not even at home and he called over there and wouldnt head until we were heading type of thing.

He cancels plans now to hang out with us. He has more suitable single friends who share his interests a lot more, but he seems to be spending less and less time with them lately. I know he likes me so I do feel mean but I just dont feel the same, he is ok like but there is only so long I can listen to the joys of making model planes and engines (snore) He does go on and on about stuff I find boring, its an effort to remain polite on such an ongoing basis. Last weekend, we managed to head him off on the Friday then he ended up coming out with us on the Saturday (with friends of mine he doesnt know) then stayed overnight and sat on our couch till 7.30 Sunday night, at a few stages i was left sitting like a gilly with him in the living room while my boyfriend had to go lie down with a hangover, eventually I gave up myself and went to bed too dying of a hangover but he still sat there.

To top it all Im getting a bit of an uneasy feeling he might like me in another sort of way, Id say its just laziness and boredom on his part but still my boyfriend kind of notices but still says nothing....

I feel as if I am going to blow up with him soon if he doesnt cop on, but hes the boyfriends friend so what do I say and to who....

I cant relax with him hanging around all the time but I dont want to be seen as the nagging girlfriend.

Colonel_McCoy

What does you bf think about him staying over all the time? You need your space tell him get the f out.

marti101

I think you need to have a word with your bf and let him tell his mate off.

Sugar Drunk

Its your boyfriends mate so the talk will be best coming from him.
Speak to your boyfriend about this - does he feel the same as you?
If he does well he needs to bit ethe bullet and lay down some ground rules with this friend. Theres no way in hell I would be having someone invading my house all day sunday sitting on the couch. With some people subtlety doesnt work so your boyfriend will need to be blunt!

next time your on a night out make it clear beforehand that he will be expected to make his way home. Also if you are heading out and he is not welcome your bnoyfriend needs to tell him 'sorry mate its just me and the missus heading out tonight' sort of thing.

Burial

Talk to your BF and let him know that you don't like this. If you have already and he hasn't done anything, tell the guy yourself.

wrote:

He does go on and on about stuff I find boring

Does your BF find this boring or just you?

LegacyUser

I cant even get the chance to talk to the bf without matey there all the time.
My bf obviously likes his friend and is very patient with him but the friend has got to a stage where he directs all his conversation to me, long boring stories that amount to nothing in the end, I have to just sit there nodding and feigning interest, its starting to be draining.

I will talk to the bf, the friends attention has become more focused on me lately, I think bf has noticed that actually last night as bf came over and sat with me and was asking me if I was ok and putting his arms around me and kisisng me and stuff. Not in such a way to make others uncomfortable but more to rescue me sort of thing.

He seems to notice alright but its not sinister or anything, it doesnt seem to bother the bf.
What am I supposed to say anyway....there is a nice atmosphere and I dont want to over react and set off a big powder keg between them over nothing much.

Whats the best thing to say to bf......he tends to answer the phone and invite him over without thinking, if I start to make gestures like "no no not tonight" my bf does be really obvious going "what what what are you saying do you not want x to come up tonight?" loudly so that friend can hear etc....scarlet.....Like bf is just about ok understanding it if I explain on a case by case basis but then he doesnt seem to get the overall situation

sorry I dont know if I am explaining this too well

BAM!

Talk to your boyfriend about this, maybe you are the only one finding him a problem. One of my boyfriend's friend is like this but my boyfriend doesn't see it as a problem and has no issues with it at all, so I just learned to get on with it. If you say something to him remeber he could be very insulted and feel awkward being around ye again, so maybe you should check with your boyfriend before you say anything- he is his friend after all.

Katgurl

is this a new problem OP? your post suggests you live with your boyfriend, how long are you two together? has the friend always been so closely involved or is he a new friend? has something gone on in the friend's life recently (like a breakup / job loss) that he has more free time recently?

jessbeth

What about if you start going out more with the girls? Make an effort to get together with one of your pals each time the guy comes over. Then the boyfriend should ask, why you're dashing out everytime x comes over or at least x should take the hint. You could also feign having something else to do when he comes and go off to the bedroom and see if he heads home then, at least you'll know if he's staying for your benefit. If these little tactics don't work (and you shouldn't really feel like you have to leave your own place to get peace) just tell the boyfriend, look honey I love you and we hardly ever get to spend quality time together and that you would appreciate it if he didn't invite x over quite so often.

Glowing

Oh I'd HATE someone sitting on my couch all Sunday, jees, it would do my head in. I always feel conscious that if I'm staying over in a friends not to outstay my welcome, and do my best to get up and out early, people need their space! Sounds like he has little or no social skills!

Every second weekend or whatever, I'd make it CLEAR to my boyfriend that I didn't want his friend over in the house. And if he wanted to hang out with him, to go to his place or out to the pub/whatever. There is nothing wrong with wanting a bit of space and privacy, and I think you've been very reasonable to date.

Arggh! How annoying!!!!!!

JaneyMc

I wonder if he has some sort of problem with being on his own?? Does he live alone?

LegacyUser

thanks again:
Jessbeth, when I go off to the bedroom to sleep or read (for ages on occasion) he's still there when I get back, at first when he used to come over he'd go.
AND now he just takes it for granted to have a few beers with us or bf and so cant drive home !!

When I organised going out with my friends last week (and my bf was coming to) suddenly he is coming as well, someone there recently actually took it for granted that he was living with us he is always with us that much! Arrrrrrgggghh!!!

I do go out with the girls and that grand (he hasnt tried to come there YET!!) But its the time that me and bf are supposed to be spending together he is using up.

We live together about 8 months, its only got worse since September to this level. Nothing has changed in his life job wise, obviously he has no girlfriend more is the pity.

I am going to talk to my bf deffo this weekend as long as matey doesnt pop up (he has plans for once at the moment, but it wont suprise me if they get cancelled!) I just have to tread carefully, you see its not like I dont mind a visit every 2 or 3 weeks...just not every week and never going HOME !!! I dont want to make him unwelcome just for him to calm down and not to be so clingy.

Shapes

He stayed from the night before through to 7pm the next day?

TBH, I wouldn't have it. Especially if it's someone who does this all the time. Get your bf to have a word. You don't want them having a fight because of you but still... two's company....

You're not helping him in his own life/pursuit of a gf/bf (if he wants one) by allowing this behaviour to continue.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

thanks again:
obviously he has no girlfriend more is the pity.

I think there is your problem right there, though that's not to say all single guys are so ignorant and obtrusive. Can you set him up with one of your mates or something, you said yourself that he's nice enough and theres a nice atmosphere, that he's just a little boring, maybe you know a girl suited to him??

I'd say he fancies you alright, and gets pleasure out of some female company, like you say you pretend to enjoy his stories, so maybe you are unwittingly giving him a bit of positive female attention he badly needs. That doesn't mean he's got a crush on you, most lads fancy most girls a bit, try point him to where else he might find it. - either that or he fancys your fella!! in which case the gloves come off!!

BTW. If you want some quality time with your fella you should be able to ask him for it, and he should be able to man up, and lay down some rules for his mate: like only come around when invited, or once a week for the footy/a movie etc

Lockstep

"Oh no, it's Father Stone"

Tell the boyfriend about it, as well as making it clear to the lad he's playing the gooseberry.

scary_tractors

Haha Father Stone... so true

OP, I suggest you are honest with your boyfriend about it. You don't say how long you're together but only living together 8 months, you need to find your own space and your own comfort zone together without some eejit using up all your couple time!

You may have to do some stupid american-ish thing, like introduce 'date night'. A friend of mine does this and it's very effective, particularly with the boyfriend because sometimes you have to spell things out for men... The friend will think you're 'just being a girl' and the boyfriend will be flattered you really want to spend time alone with him.

I have a number of male friends who can be really clueless about picking up social cues like when to leave. I am 100% blunt and honest with them about it. "I'm going to bed now, mind the drive home" etc, is effective. He might be a bit taken aback the first time but he'll probably think you have your period or something, and he'll get used to it after the first few times!

seahorse

Well, if it was me I'd just look him straight in the eyeball and ask him "have you no home to go to?" but that doesn’t seem to be your thing...

As several other posters have said, you really do need to talk to your partner. In fact, I'd say you need to ask your partner what his f**kin problem is, condoning this character invading your lives like this.