Love her present, hate her past

LegacyUser

Hey.

Ok, here goes.

With a girl who's 17. I'm a few years older. We're together about two months now, and its incredible. I've had two serious relationships before this, but this girl blows both out of the water. I can see myself marrying her, really can.

BUT...

As much as I love her, I'm finding her past hard to deal with. I've never drank, smoked, or done drugs. My own choices. became sexually active at 17/18, and to present have had 7 sexual partners (3 in relationships, the others outside relationships).

She, on the other hand, became sexually active at 13, including everything. Has had four sexual partners (oral and intercourse) and five others who she's touched.
As well as this, she started drinking at 11 or 12. Only got messy drunk once (this year) and never wanted it to happen again. She also smoked for a few years, and tried hash once.

As is stands, she doesn't drink much, has given up smoking (I didn't ask her to, but she kinda did it for me as I think she figured out how much I hate them) and has never wanted to try hash after that one time, as well as having no interest in any other drugs.

I know she loves me, and she's honestly everything I have ever wanted or needed in a girlfriend. And she feels the same way with regard to the future. She's incredibly mature for her age - my family instantly forgot her age when they met her, as she acts the same age as me. And my family LOVE her, esp my mother. Always a good sign

But I can't help but think of her past and hate it in a way - I kinda look down on the whole underage drinking / sex thing, and I've always found smoking revolting. And I can't comprehend how this girl did all those things. Basically at that age, she'd have been viewed as a knacker by my family and I (and most people like us) and that thought hurts.

I do realise I'm wrong to judge her. I know that. And replies saying that won't help. I'm just asking for people who have experienced this to tell me how they coped with it. How they accepted it. Because I can't afford to throw this away over something so irrelevent (yet hurts so bad).

I should also point out that I've asked for every single detail of her past, and she's never once got upset or mad at me - she's always been completely patient and understanding.

Sorry for the long post, and thanks for any replies and advice.

Oryx

If your going to ask the question, youve got to be prepared for the answer. You asked her, and bless her, she was honest with you.

Think of it this way. You love her for the person she is. You love her for her attitude and her maturity. How do you think she developed such a good personality, and became so mature? By experiences. How she has lived has made her who she is now. Would you rather she was a headwreck but somehow 'pure'? Her past is over. It doesnt leave a stain on her, you already said, shes wonderful. Everytime you allow yourself to dwell on it, make yourself stop. Its such a waste of time.

Stop thinking of what she has done in terms of it being bad. Its only beyond your own range of experience, thats all. Someone else with different morality might see her as having hardly done anything at all.

Rosita

I think if we all are honest the reason many of us would not have had a pretty colourful past is through lack of opportunity more than good judgement. She seems to have done stuff at an age when she would have been too young to rationalise it in the way that you do now at your age. And to be honest given her early starts she seems to have kept things without going overboard too much.

She appears to be someone who has come out of a challenging time and turned out thoroughly decent. That's a better achievement than the thoroughly decent chap who never had the opportunity to go off the rails in the first place.

However, at 17 she has a lot of maturing to do and I would be wary of seeing yourself marrying her at this early stage. I don't mean to imply anything negative whatsoever or that she has some hidden dark side that will re-emerge. What I mean is that she has a lot of developing to do as a person in the next number of years and that may change things for both of you. We were all different at 21 than we were at 17, and different still at 25. It's a bit early to be thinking that she is the finished article so to speak.

emma@

rosita is right, she has come through a lot but she still has a lot of growing up to do, i sure know that i am totally different now at 25 than i was at 17.

My oh had a colourful past but in time i got over it, thats all ican say is give her time and soon you'll forget about her past

Anima

You shouldn't of asked to know her past in my opinion, always going to end badly. You're always going to imagine it a lot worse than it is and it really doesn't matter anyways. Can you honestly look down at her for doing something when she was 13-15? By what you've said, she sounds like a decent person so I wouldn't mess it up over something like this.

Overheal

I'd be worried if someone judged me at 21 for things I did when I was 12: 2 very different people imo.

K-9

Ratouille60999 wrote: »

As much as I love her, I'm finding her past hard to deal with. I've never drank, smoked, or done drugs. My own choices. became sexually active at 17/18, and to present have had 7 sexual partners (3 in relationships, the others outside relationships).

She, on the other hand, became sexually active at 13, including everything. Has had four sexual partners (oral and intercourse) and five others who she's touched.

Ah, not much of a difference there then, just she was younger starting.

Actually, you've had 7 partners in 4 years and she has had 4.

How many have you had where you didn't touch?

Anyway, I think your being very harsh on her and you also have her up on a pedestal now. The girl is only 17!

SpookyDoll

OP, please put this stuff in perspective.
Its pretty tame, will your family really be shocked by this...?

If you think they will maybe dont tell them any of it!!!?

MagicMarker

Ratouille60999 wrote: »

Hey.

Ok, here goes.

With a girl who's 17. I'm a few years older. We're together about two months now, and its incredible. I've had two serious relationships before this, but this girl blows both out of the water. I can see myself marrying her, really can.

No offence man, but you really don't seem mature enough for a serious relationship.

You've been with a 17 year old for 2 months and you see yourself marrying her? You see nothing wrong with that picture?

I think you should be alone for a while, smoke a cigarette, drink a beer (i'm not speaking literally, for those about to accuse me of encouraging smoking and drinking) and in a couple of years time when you've experienced some of what life has to offer, you won't cast judgement on those around you based on your own moral idealism.

LegacyUser

Well thanks to MagicMarker for the least helpful reply.

No I don't see anything terribly wrong with it. I've been in two fairly long relationships (1.5 and 2.5 years) so I have some idea what its like to experience emotion, and love. Same for her. But thats a whole different issue.
And I don't think that 'smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer' will make me a better person - in my opinion thats a ridiculous suggestion, and (no offence) you'd have been better off not posting if its just going to be bluntly and unhelpfully negative.

Anyways...

Big thanks to Oryx (esp), Rosita and Emma for their replies. I see your points and they're definitely helping me think through this.

TheWitch06

It doesn't matter that she done stupid things at such an immature age. Her past is her past and you even said she has matured so it shouldn't be a problem.

Nobody is perfect. Remember that.

ShawnRaven

We've all done stupid sh*t after puberty that seemed like a good idea at the time. It happens and people grow up.

Let it go, already and focus on the important part, and the one part of your post that made the most amount of sense.

With a girl who's 17. I'm a few years older. We're together about two months now, and its incredible. I've had two serious relationships before this, but this girl blows both out of the water. I can see myself marrying her, really can.

THIS!
Because if you're not able to put her past behind, it'll come down to a point where she could leave you behind.

Now stop and think about that for a few minutes...

COH

What age are you?

Beruthiel

Ratouille60999 wrote: »

I should also point out that I've asked for every single detail of her past, and she's never once got upset or mad at me - she's always been completely patient and understanding.

If you couldn't handle the truth, why did you ask the question?
I feel very strongly that my past is my business, to any new partner who would be silly enough to ask, that's what they would be told.

You are still young yourself, eventually you will learn that people change.
I'm not the same as I was at 10, or 20, or 30.
Constant change means that when you meet someone new, what you have done before means diddly squat, it's in the past and you are not the same person.
Teach yourself to handle this now, because it won't be the last time it comes up.
To judge someone as young as this girl is just plain silly, despite the fact that you think her mature, she still has a lot of growing up to do, as do you.
Don't project this hangup on her, it will do neither of you any favours.

LegacyUser

OP - everyone has a past. Somethings that bring a smile to the face, of times gone by, and indeed of people long gone, sadly missed. Happy times with families, and sad times of saying goodbye to people. The past is usually full of "I wish"s - I wish I had not said that or I wish I had done that.

But ya know, wish as hard as we do, the past can never change. Heavens knows that I have said & done things that "I wish" I hadn't. The past is what makes us a better person. We learn from the past & what fools we are if we don't.

It's the wise person that spends more of their time looking forward to the future than looking back into the past.

Let the past go OP and enjoy the company of your friend. Don't spoil the moment by dwelling on the past - it's gone.

Enjoy the present & the future. Smile and be HAPPY !!!

davyjose

Ratouille60999 wrote: »

Well thanks to MagicMarker for the least helpful reply.

...

Big thanks to Oryx (esp), Rosita and Emma for their replies. I see your points and they're definitely helping me think through this.

So basically thanks to the people who told you the stuff you're happy to hear, but not the stuff that you aren't? You asked for advice.

We all choose a different way in life; you chose one way, she chose another. The fact that you've taken a moral highground in life (to your own arbitrary standards - 4 partners outside relationships???), while she has lived the life of a "knacker" and not "people like us", says to me that you don't have a lot of respect for someone you claim to love.

If you can't accept her past, under what terms can you accept her present? If she abides by your rules? It's time to get a clue here and drop your prejudices because they're only gonna cause you grief.

LegacyUser

HI

I am the girl who was in very much the same relationship as yours and 10years on we are still together, my past very much resembled your girlfriends and he is also older. He could not accept i had a past but it was that past that made me the mature person he fell in love with and much later he realised this. What im trying to say is please dont try to change her such as giving up smoking to please you not that giving up smoking is a bad thing but what else will she change about herself to make you happy and she may resent it later. I agree with the others that she will change a lot in the years to come and if you allow her the space to grow and change as a person then your relationship willgrow with it, I wish you every luck in the future maby youll be replying to the same question 10years from now.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

HI

I am the girl who was in very much the same relationship as yours and 10years on we are still together, my past very much resembled your girlfriends and he is also older. He could not accept i had a past but it was that past that made me the mature person he fell in love with and much later he realised this. What im trying to say is please dont try to change her such as giving up smoking to please you not that giving up smoking is a bad thing but what else will she change about herself to make you happy and she may resent it later. I agree with the others that she will change a lot in the years to come and if you allow her the space to grow and change as a person then your relationship willgrow with it, I wish you every luck in the future maby youll be replying to the same question 10years from now.

Unregistered, I really appreciate that post.

I do realise she is only 17 and will change. Indeed part of me is worried she'll grow out of me, so to speak. I know I changed hugely between 17-21, but then again whereas that was my growing up period, it seems 13-17 was hers. But sure what happens, happens. I can't help that, except to let her grow as you said.

I did ask her about the smoking, and whether I was the reason. She said no, that she'd wanted to give them up, and that I was the incentive for her to really do it this time. I can live with that

And Davyjose, no, I didn't just dis the posts I disliked. There have been several that aren't nice for me to read but I realise they're true and that I do have to cop on. I pointed out MagicMarkers because it was very condescending and didn't really offer any advice besides having a beer and a smoke and looking down on myself.

K-9

Funny you didn't answer my question earlier. You've had more sexual relationships than her, but you've issues with her past ???

Double standards much?

Thinking of her, it seems she was a bit of a wild child, I hope she isn't going from that extreme to another!

OP, my advice is: by the sounds of it you are far from perfect, don't expect her to be!

LegacyUser

Hi

Was in a similar situation as this many many years ago,,, i was the dick who hated many things about her past , trust me , nip this in the bud. You asked the questions so now you have to respect her honesty and accept her past. As others have said , she is the one you love because of what she was. We are who we are, because of what we were.

Id also ask questions about the level of control you exert on the relationship, asking every detail is unfair in my opinion. It puts your other half in a position of whether she should tell all or leave it to your imagination- cause im sure yours would have run overtime if she didnt give you answers.

Remember you are several years older and at her age she probably looks up and trusts you an awful lot. If you let these thoughts and images manifest and fester, I would be worried how that control will present itself in the relationship

If it helps think of all the women you have done this with or that with to negate the thoughts and images if and when they do arise

Try your hardest to accept her fully if you let this slide or if you let it turn ugly you will only regret it in later years

If you dont accept her past , it aint gonna last

PeakOutput

didnt read all the replies dont need to

this is your problem

your the one who is prejudice and your the one who is creating problems. if you realy believe everything you have typed and i mean really believe then taking this any further is the biggest mistake of your life. her past is her past it has made her the person she is today, that same person that you say you love. same for you, you are a product of your environment jsut like her and that has made you the person she loves.

take it or leave it its up to you but if you truly think she is as good as you ahve typed then the decision is obvious

BraziliaNZ

god, if you're getting worked up over stuff she did in her early teens you really need to cop on mate. I don't know where you grew up but nowadays all this stuff is the norm, in fact that's probably pretty tame compared to most teenagers nowadays. Why did you want to know specific details? Jesus I can't imagine asking the girl I'm seeing now how many dudes she's given oral sex to. Not that I give a f*ck if it's 2 or 200!! I used to worry about this stuff with my first g/f when I was 19 or 20, so maybe you'll grow out of it. Wait till you're pushing 30, I just assume girls my age have slept with loads of people and done all kinds of crazy sh*t, just like I have, but I don't care, I actually prefer people who've done it all tbh.

not yet

Your a control freak and need to grow up.

Mr. Incognito

This is the most chilish rant I've heard in ages.

If you GENUINELY loved her you wouldn't give a monkeys.

I hate to break your disney fantasy but no girl is perfect.

Right now you have a girlfriend that doesn't smoke, cheat on you and is in love with you and you're not satisfied because you want to go back to when she was 12 and erase the things that made her the person she is today. Her adventerous youth probably gave her an insight that when a nice chap came along she held on to him.

Stop being an immature tool and judging your girlfriend for who she is.

Also you came here and asked for advice. When someone, rightly, gives you a kick up the arse for not getting down on your knees and thanking God for having someone to love in your life and who loves you you should thank them for their constructive advice. They are only being honest and nothing is personal as we don't know you as a person but only as a paranoid loved up chap who came on here and starting raggin on the girl he loves for things neither she nor anyone else can change.

Dudess

SpookyDoll wrote: »

OP, please put this stuff in perspective.
Its pretty tame, will your family really be shocked by this...?

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

nowadays all this stuff is the norm, in fact that's probably pretty tame compared to most teenagers nowadays.

Drinking at 11/12 and having sex at 13 is not tame or the norm! Of course his family would be shocked by it! I'm not taking the moral high ground here but it's ludicrous to say this stuff is tame. But yeah, obviously don't tell your family - why would they need to know?

OP, you may have waited until you were legal to have sex but so what? You're not exactly squeaky clean in that department. And I think your view on alcohol is a bit uptight. There is nothing wrong with having a few drinks - not getting pissed or anything, just literally a small number of drinks. It's fun and a laugh.
There's nothing wrong with what your girlfriend has done - it's just she did it at a ridiculously young age. But she's matured since and seems very copped on for someone of only 17 so fair play to her. Concentrate on the person she is now, the person she was then is gone. Never to return.
Don't be hasty with the whole serious relationship thing though - she is only 17. I note you haven't told us your age, apart from mentioning you've already been 21 - are you perhaps uncomfortable about the age gap? Nothing wrong with a guy going out with a much younger girl as long as he's respectful to her. But mature or not, she has a lot of changing and growing up to do yet so it would be unwise to think long-term/marriage thoughts. Just relax and go with the flow. It's very early yet.

Pub07

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

god, if you're getting worked up over stuff she did in her early teens you really need to cop on mate. I don't know where you grew up but nowadays all this stuff is the norm, in fact that's probably pretty tame compared to most teenagers nowadays. Why did you want to know specific details? Jesus I can't imagine asking the girl I'm seeing now how many dudes she's given oral sex to. Not that I give a f*ck if it's 2 or 200!! I used to worry about this stuff with my first g/f when I was 19 or 20, so maybe you'll grow out of it. Wait till you're pushing 30, I just assume girls my age have slept with loads of people and done all kinds of crazy sh*t, just like I have, but I don't care, I actually prefer people who've done it all tbh.

+1.

You're going on about her 'past' as if she was totally aware of what she was doing. She was a kid for god sake, do you expect a kid of 12 or 13 years old to be totally repsonsible for their actions, she's barely out of that age category as it is. I think you were out of line in the first place asking her to go into detail about her sexual past and how many guys she's sucked off, like the guy I quoted above I'd have too much respect for my girlfriend to even consider asking about that.

And I have to agree with MagicMarker too, you've hardly been with her any length of time and you want to marry her, that's madness, you're talking like some bird in a dodgy chick flick who's started seeing Matthew McConnaughy. Never mind the fact that she's not even an adult yet.

OP, you may have waited until you were legal to have sex but so what? You're not exactly squeaky clean in that department.

Exactly. Made me laugh that someone of around 21 with 7 sexual partners is going on like they're so innocent and chaste. You're hardly a virgin either. I agree with Dudess - I don't think her behaviour was the norm, but she's changed, and fair play to her, she was honest and answered your questions. She's still only 17, not even an adult and you're judging her for stuff she did when she was 13. Nobody has good judgment at that age, and she happened to go down the wrong path. She's since decided she doesn't want all that anymore. Nobody is the same person they were at 13-14.

LG26

I really don't understand why you have a problem with her past, we all have one, including you. You were not part of her past and it seems to me that she has grown out of all she used to do. But you said in your last post "I do realise she is only 17 and will change.", if you love her as much as you say you do and think you will eventually marry her why would you want her to change.

Don't want to sound smart, but her past has nothing to do with you. The present and the future(if your apart of it) are what you should be concentrating on not the past. Im sorry but as I would tell anyone, grow up, because the way you describe her she seems more mature than you. If you wanna get hung up on her past fine, thats your issue.

Dragan

Ratouille60999 wrote: »

I do realise I'm wrong to judge her. I know that. And replies saying that won't help. I'm just asking for people who have experienced this to tell me how they coped with it. How they accepted it. Because I can't afford to throw this away over something so irrelevent (yet hurts so bad).

What happens is that you grow and mature and you learn to realise that the past doesn't matter.

In a nutshell.

Dizzyblonde

OP your situation and the way you view it worries me. If you stay together will you be forever worrying that people will find out about her past? Will you convey these worries to her, making her feel she's 'not as good as you and your family'? If she decides to have a few drinks will you be watching how many?
In other words, will you try to control her? She's only 17 and as others have said, she has a lot of growing up to do - among her peers. She's way too young to be making plans. What age are you?

Dudess

As you get older, your past doesn't mean sh1t.

BAM!

Definately just try to forget her past OP, don't judge her for it. She's obviously a completely different person now and willing to make some changes for you. I think you're being far too judgemental- everybody has a past and just because yours is shame free doesn't mean you should judge others. If she's come to terms with it you should too. And as you say, you love her, your family love her, so just enjoy your relationship and stop gettig bogged down in what happened years ago.

Irishcrx

I sence a little bit of a holier than thou attitude in your post OP , to be honest she wasn't being a nacker she was growing up in her own way. So you didn't drink, smoke , dom drugs etc fair play but that was your choice and it doesn't make you any better or worst than this girl. When I was 14 I was sexually active, I drank a fair amount, I smoked weed and continued for a few years, I grew up in a rough enough area but I am very proud of where I am from and who I am now and then. You don't want to offend her by calling her a nacker.

Bottom line if you love someone you have to love all of them not just the good parts.

helimachoptor

Dude... Never ask the "what did you get up to before we met question"
Its her past, she would not be the girl you love today without those experiences. Without those experiences she may not have entered your life at all.

Asking the question opens up a world of pain and jealousy and frankly it seems like you can't handle this.

It makes me wonder what it will be like when your 25+ and pretty much every girl who meet will have had a few partners, take a step back and breathe then realise it's not the past that counts its the future.

SpookyDoll

Drinking at 11/12 and having sex at 13 is not tame or the norm! Of course his family would be shocked by it!

Should have been more specific really, to be clear I meant trying hash once and being messy drunk only once at 17. Where I come from she would be considered a very sensible girl indeed.

Her sexual history is her own business and I wouldn't even think its OP's to be honest, well not to this extent. As long as she's had safe sex and been tested, beyond this I think we are getting into "Sleeping with the enemy" territory.

She needs to watch out that all the tin cans in the press are not lined up if you ask me. Very controlling OP.

SpookyDoll

SpookyDoll wrote: »

OP, please put this stuff in perspective.
Its pretty tame, will your family really be shocked by this...?

If you think they will maybe don't tell them any of it!!!?

Why in gods name would you tell your family your girlfriends sexual past, it has nothing to do with them!

Personally, and I know you're not going to like this, I don't think this relationship is ever going to work. You will always resent her for things she has done before she met you. Also, you refer to being in long term relationships of 1.5 to 2.5 years, these are not long term, marriage is 50 years plus so please think about what you are saying. This girl sounds like most other 17 year olds these days, she has been honest and upfront, she has given up smoking to please you, if you hang on to her past, there is no relationship. end of.

SpookyDoll

Not sure if you are talking to OP or me, just to clarify anyway....my post said "don't tell them any of it"

Think you are talking to OP though!

Mr Benevolent

Personally, and I know you're not going to like this, I don't think this relationship is ever going to work. You will always resent her for things she has done before she met you.

+11111111

Ok, her list of past indiscretions:

Took hash (once)
Had 4 partners since age 13.
Smoke(d)
Drank a bit.

I used to be like you, fretting over crap like this, even with a long-term (ex)gf. It turned me jealous and I wasn't very nice to be around most of the time. That was at 21, and I probably seemed like an arrogant, hypocritical bastard at the time, which I was. Two years later she saw the light and got rid of me.

Nowadays I'm 29 and don't worry about that sort of stuff any more. I now have a fantastic girlfriend, I don't pry into her past life and don't compare her life to mine.

Believe me, if you keep bringing these things up with her she WILL begin to revise her opinion of you - negatively. Never mention these things again, to her or anyone else.

Believe me, going on about this stuff makes you look far worse to her.

SpookyDoll

SpookyDoll wrote: »

Not sure if you are talking to OP or me, just to clarify anyway....my post said "don't tell them any of it"

Think you are talking to OP though!

yep OP!!

Rosita

SetantaL wrote: »

This is the most chilish rant I've heard in ages.

If you GENUINELY loved her you wouldn't give a monkeys.

This is grossly unfair in all honesty.

People fall for others because of a multiplicity of factors, some tangible and understandable and others not.

It is fine to say objectively that her past should not matter and "if you genuinely loved her you wouldn't give a monkey's" but the person in the situation is concerned about it and should be respected for that irrespective of how you think you might do in the same situation.

There are people here dictating to the OP what he should think, but it is a subjective matter and it is the height of arrogance to try to transpose an objective version of reality onto the OP's thoughts.

I think people are entitled to consider the story of the girl as presented and give a view on that, but not to start barking at the OP because he might have a different set of values or mores which inform his thinking.

And 'not giving a monkey's' about someone's past is not necessarily a sign of love. Not giving a monkey's could be as likely a sign that you don't give a sh*t about the person at all. Love may be the ability to deal with something that does concern you or you do find objectionable, to psychologically process it and carry on anyway because your felling for the person outweights that concern.

Either way, having such concerns and voicing them does not make the OP a weak or inadequate person. Everybody loves their partner for the whole package, but that is not to say that everybody's 'whole package' must appeal to eberybody else.

And somebody mentioned 'not prying into soemone's past life' - for God's sake it is natural to want to get to know the person you are with and their past life is an integral part of that. The idea that you cannot discuss someone's past for fear of breaching a constitiutional right to privacy or some high ethical ideal when you are potentially going to marry them is laughable. Their past may or may not be of particuaalr interest to you and they may or may not be interested in discussing it in minute detail all of which is fair enough, but the idea that it is beyond the pale to discuss it or form an opinion on it if discussed is ridiculous.

LegacyUser

Dudess wrote: »

Drinking at 11/12 and having sex at 13 is not tame or the norm! Of course his family would be shocked by it! I'm not taking the moral high ground here but it's ludicrous to say this stuff is tame.

There's nothing wrong with what your girlfriend has done - it's just she did it at a ridiculously young age.

Pfft to be honest you're gonna have a hard time reaching a concensus on this issue. I mean I wouldn't call four sexual at partners 17 smart but it's certainly common enough.

Op is it possible you put her on the spot and she's trying to big herself up? You mentioned you've been in a number of relationships...maybe it's a case of one-upmanship.

Either way, if this is doing your head in two months in, she mightn't be the right girl for you.

MJOR

you asked the question... nobody is perfect. These are all things young people do move past it. Goodness we've all done stuff we're not proud of but she was just telling you what you asked. Respect her honesty and try never use the word girlfriend and knacker in the same paragraph again. It's her past its over.

TBH i think you think she's a bit "beneath you". Not a good foundation for a lasting relationship

LegacyUser

You asked not to hear people tell you the obvious, but I think I have to tell you. Your a snob. Everybody is, in their own way, myself included. I think given time you'll get over this hang up, and realise that ultimately its not that important. But until then .... join the club

Mr Benevolent

not prying into soemone's past life

That was me.

There's enquiring and there's constant probing. This guy sounds like he's probing night and day for more sordid details. That road is a one-way to being dumped. He's making it sound like he's rescued her from some unspeakable past life, when in reality she's a perfectly normal teenager, even down to the sex at 13 or whatever.

The idea that you cannot discuss someone's past for fear of breaching a constitiutional right to privacy or some high ethical ideal when you are potentially going to marry them is laughable.

She's 17, he's 21. Do you seriously think he's considering marriage? He's just looking to feel superior, that's all. I've done it myself and i know exactly what it's like.

Rosita

Confab wrote: »

She's 17, he's 21. Do you seriously think he's considering marriage? He's just looking to feel superior, that's all. I've done it myself and i know exactly what it's like.

This is what he said in the opening post - "I can see myself marrying her, really can."

I'm not sure if this has the same immediacy as "considering marriage" but assuming what he writes is something approaching the truth, it does not seem completely implausible.

I don't quite understand how writing about the possibility of marriage to someone down the line on a discussion board could could make someone feel superior.

sock.rocker*

Ratouille60999 wrote: »

Basically at that age, she'd have been viewed as a knacker by my family and I (and most people like us) and that thought hurts.

is she still friends wit the same people who are still lik that?



i don't think ya shud look down too much on her past, but if it bothers ya, work out if she's gonna slip into it again after ye reach a comfort zone. she cud start doin the stuff again that she stopped

StormWarrior

If she was drinking at 11 and sexually active at 13, then it sounds like she was pretty neglected. You should blame her parents for her behaviour, not her.

Chucky the tree

Ratouille60999 wrote: »

I should also point out that I've asked for every single detail of her past, and she's never once got upset or mad at me - she's always been completely patient and understanding.

As soon as I read this I was reminded of the lie detecter scene in Meet the fockers, or whatever the first one was called.


Also, I noticed you said your older then 21. Alot of people would think some over 21 going out with a 17 year old is a kiddy fiddler. Not very nice being judged is it?

Chucky the tree

StormWarrior wrote: »

If she was drinking at 11 and sexually active at 13, then it sounds like she was pretty neglected. You should blame her parents for her behaviour, not her.

Pretty big assumption. I first drank at 12, I robbed at can out the fridge and me and 4 mates shared it, thought we were the dogs obv.:pac: considering she's only been messy drunk once It doesnt sound she was hitting the shoulders of vodka every weekend at 11.


Also, If I got the chance to be sexually active at 13 I would of been all over it like a fly on ****.


I certainly wasnt neglected though.

Dudess

I would speculate sex is different for girls though - of a bunch of 13-year-olds it's probably the lads who'd be far more into the idea of sex than the girls. There isn't the first-time (and possibly subsequent) pain, there isn't the need for as much foreplay, there isn't the pregnancy risk. But I agree: it's not necessarily a sign of neglect, moreso peer pressure probably. Then again maybe she just wanted to have sex of her own accord without any outside influences but while I'm not saying that's impossible - some very mature 13-year-olds out there - I do think it's unlikely.

Why don't you say what age you are OP? You just said "a few years older" so I'm presuming that's a good few years older.

The OP is more than 21 - he didn't say he was 21, he referred at one stage to when he was 21.

Chucky the tree

Dudess wrote: »

I would speculate sex is different for girls though - of a bunch of 13-year-olds it's probably the lads who'd be far more into the idea of sex than the girls. There isn't the first-time (and possibly subsequent) pain, there isn't the need for as much foreplay, there isn't the pregnancy risk.

Yeah, why don't you say what age you are OP? You just said "a few years older" so I'm presuming that's a good few years older.

The OP is more than 21 - he didn't say he was 21, he referred at one stage to when he was 21.

Good work sherlock!


Also, your probaly right on the sex for guys. But go to any underage disco in the country about I'd say the big majority of girls are having sex or at the very least snowballing.