boyfriend wants less contact

Fiona24

Hi All

I had a row with my bf Monday night and decided it was over. He said he had run out of patience with me always ringing him after work whinging and having problems. He doesn't want to listen to small silly problems anymore. These usually were me saying I was sick of so and so at work etc. Eventually after talking to him we decided I shouldn't ring him after work and wait until he rings me after work. I finish at 4.30 he never finishes before 7.30.

We're know each other a year 19th of this month. He has been great with my 4 year old, put up with me being sick the last 6 months, etc. I know it hasn't been easy on him.

He says he's in love with me and wants this to work but I am feeling very low since Monday. Im even meant to meet his mother tomorrow night. Im just insecure and thinking that he doesnt want me anymore and that by not talking to him after work he's pushing me away. Am I over-reacting here or am I right?

I want to make this work with him coz I'm in love with him. Up to recently we're used to talk and joke about marriage

Id really appreciate opinions

cowzerp

cut back on the nagging, and give him some space, apart from that it does not sound that bad, just try not to moan about people so much-he's obviosly sick of it!

Fiona24

Thanks cowzerp. I hate feeling this insecure about things. I do feel very down in the dumps from time to time and when I do I usually feel even more insecure. I guess because I haven't seen him properly since this happened Monday I feel even more hes avoiding me. Not having that phone call after work seems like a big thing to me.

I know I probably sound half crazy saying all this!!

evil-monkey

you have to look at it from his point of view. after a long day at the office the last thing he probably wants to hear is more nagging. you'd be the same. after 8-hours of listening to professional b*llsh*tters, you wouldn't want to come home to phone calls of more of the same.

at the same time, he should be supportive of your genuine grievances. if you're ringing him with issues that are genuinely important, maybe not to him but to you, then he should give you the time you deserve.

just try and decide if something is a genuine problem, or something trivial that in the grand scheme of things, doesn't really matter a f*ck.

try ringing him with a list of positive things that happened throughout your day, and if he doesn't have time for that either, well then move on...

hope it all works out. love can be a bitch.

Sugar Drunk

I used to moan constanly about my job and as my BF is closest to me he used to get an earful everyday and it drove him mad. Was glad he said it to me as I had not even realised I was doing it.

Make a decision to stop doing it and leave work at work!. even if someone has wrecked your head all day do not allow that to creep into your non work life- dont allow someone to have that much affect on you.

Instead when you speak to your boyfriend try to talk about non work things and to be a bit more positive rather than looking at the crap things that happened during your day look at the good things that happened. It sounds like he does still love you its just that understandably he will not be looking forward to a call each day from you when its going to be negative and he is in work.

good luck with meeting his mum hope all goes well

Sumire

I'm sure he is still in love with you, and I know what you mean about feeling insecure because you haven't seen him, I would feel exactly the same.
The phone call might feel like a big deal to you, but I can see where your boyfriend is coming from, I had this row with my boyfriend a lot. We live together & I get home first & when he came home he used to launch into a half an hour of talking about work. I just need a break and to get over my day before listening to someone elses.
I'm sure everything will be grand, just to to relax and it'll all get sorted quicker.

Liam Byrne

Been there, and to be fair we all do it at times......rant away when someone will listen.

But a thing I had last year went from flirting and laughing on the phone and looking forward to talking, to dreading what mood someone was in when they rang; if you can listen for a bit and then cheer someone up and snap them out of it, it's great, but if you can't it's downright draining.....I ended up feeling more like a counsellor than a b/f....

As evil-monkey said, think about what (or how much) you're letting off steam......a bit is normal after a bad day/week, but if it's a regular thing and it's all trivial stuff that will be irrelevant tomorrow, then try and ease off.

Best of luck!

kid-o

Hey, no one likes rowing with there partner but it sounds like you know you are doing his head in.
so your channel for moaning has been put on hold until 7.30 you have got to lighten up and before he rings,
you need to tell yourself your going to have a conversation with him without moaning/whinging about someone in work etc
so he start looks forward to talking to you in the evenings.

Fiona24

so by him saying have less contact during the day it doesnt mean he's pushing me away?

It feels good just talking about it. I miss him like crazy for the week I think when I see him properly It'll be easier.

When he said he was sick of it all and of me always having stupid problems I got a land but I know he's right. I hope he meant it when he took it back about breaking up

whiskeyman

Quick question - when your were on the phone to him, are the calls all about your day and your problems?
Do you ask him how his day was and if anything fun or exciting happened?

I know venting on the phone can be important for you, but if you're not asking about his day, I'm not surprised he had to call a halt to it.

My g/f also talks loads about work (I rarely utter a word about it unless asked) but I wouldn't want her to stop. If she needs to talk about something, I want to be there to listen or let her vent.
All within reason of course!

Money Shot

Fiona24 wrote: »

Hi All

These usually were me saying I was sick of so and so at work etc.

To be honest, that would drive me bananas. Every day, the same crap - especially if he's giving you advice to sort it and then has to listen to the same crap again. You should save the 'bitching' about work for your colleagues, girlfriend, sister or mother. Some blokes will grin and bear it, most will get fed up sooner or later.

You should leave work where it is and not bring it home. Forget about it when you get out that door and concentrate on enjoying the precious few hours you have away from the kip.

Liam Byrne

Fiona24 wrote: »

so by him saying have less contact during the day it doesnt mean he's pushing me away?

We won't know from here, but it's definitely not a "given"; he might just be letting you know his limits. And if you take them into account ye could be fine.

I love :rolleyes: when raising an issue with someone becomes "you want to break up?"

Raising an issue that MIGHT cause you to break up in the future if it's not rectified is the only sensible action, because it's raising the option of fixing the problem before it gets too bad.

Would you prefer if he said nothing and then in 2 months' time said "I want to break up" ? No.

So heed what he said (assuming he's not being obnoxious about a few small rants - we're all human and need an ear at times) and see if ye can get back on track.

If so, this will be all worthwhile.

Anti

Sometimes less contact in a relationship can do wonders for it. Some relationships work well living in each others pockets, others do not. And it sounds as if your relationship with him will not work if it carrys on how it is. Give him some space, dont moan to him about yoru day all the time especially if its the usual "Shelly is such a cow, she sat in my seat at lunch" kind of malarky.

He has told you what he wants/needs, all you have to do is listen and act upon it. Simple as really. Also, you seem to have very low self confidence, maybe try to boost this a bit by going out with osme friends, or treating yourself to a spa weekend or makeover (no im not saying your fat or ugly) Maybe you need a pick-me-up.

Sugar Drunk

whiskeyman wrote: »

My g/f also talks loads about work (I rarely utter a word about it unless asked) but I wouldn't want her to stop. If she needs to talk about something, I want to be there to listen or let her vent.
All within reason of course!

Thats fair enough but if its an actually problem its different as opposed top just moaning about little inconsequential things all the time (which is what I used to do ) its different!

Theres a friend in work who I dread calling over to my desk. Not because we don't get on but because she moans constantly about someone else every day. she doesnt want my opinion or for me to help her - she just wants to vent and have me listen but sometimes I feel like I should charge for therapy!

Fiona24

I do ask him about his day but I think he might feel like he can't tell me if things went wrong even though I would be supportive of him.

He said I can pick up the phone and ring him and talk to him if its something serious or big but not if its small things.

I think what set it off Monday was I had a row with my best friend coz of her saying my bf's family will hate me. And I said to me bf on the phone I'm just sick of everything now I've doubts in my head now about me and him.

Even writing it down here just makes me realise how pathetic I sounded!!!

He just rang me there to say he wont be able to call tonight he wont get out of work until 8 and he has 40 mins to drive home and then me lives 30 mins from me but he said I'm stuck with meeting his family tomorrow night and going to the greyhound track with myself and my daughter Saturday night

Gyalist

OP, have a look at this...

<snip no you tube links please>