How do I tell him?

LegacyUser

I’ve liked a friend of mine (he’s male, I’m female) for about a year. I’ve decided I need to tell him I have feelings for him. It’s possible that he once liked me. My gut instinct now tells me he’s not interested however. Alas, this instinct is not helping me “get over it”. I’m tired of the whole thing. I need to know either way. I will be crushed but it’s gone on too long.

So, I need advice as to how to tell him. He’s very shy, and I can be too… I just have no idea as to how to approach the situation. Should I do it in person? How should I put it? Every time I contemplate doing it I feel like I’m facing a brick wall, I don’t what to do. Any advice/help appreciated.

qt9ukbg60ivjrn

any sign of a drunken score? that would open up the option of having this conversation afterwards, otherwise it might be a bit of a shock to just blurt it out, unless he suspects something, if he suspects something then you should just tell him

i once liked a girl and she liked me and she got drunk and kind of threw herself at me, not cool, stopped liking her (not cause of this) but it didnt' do her any favours

LegacyUser

I went through the same thing. I've had feelings for my best friend forever and it got to a point where I thought I would explode if I didn't tell him. Truthfully I chickened out because I was convinced he didn't feel the same way and I didn't want to ruin our close relationship. However there was a turn of events when we both got very very drunk (I know typical Irish romance!) and started kissing. Of course the next day we pretended nothing happened so I was even more distraught. The following night (it was on holidays) the same thing happened. The following day we put it down to drink and said we would just be friends...well rather he did...once more even more heart break. Then later that week I had a bad day and decided to drink again (this story really makes us sound like alcho's but we actually rarely drink) he said he would join me...and it happened again! Well I was fully confused at that point but then we talked and realised that we had both had had feelings for each other for the last few years and just assumed the other one wasn't interested in that way. So it has worked out, it is still a bit strange but that should pass soon. It's weird when you get what you want! We had discussed it for a long time because we were such good friends it would impact a lot of things in our lives so it was a huge risk. But as he said it's a huge risk but it could be the greatest win of all!

So I guess get him drunk and try suss him out is my advice, but don't hop on him cos as the previous poster said that might be a bit awkward.

LegacyUser

Drunken score isn't a possibility...

I think he must suspect something. He'd have to be pretty dumb not to.

LegacyUser

I don't know...boys can be pretty oblivious sometimes! Maybe when you go for a walk or something, mention that a friend or something is convinced you two should be a couple and just kind of laugh as you say it and then go well I guess we do get along very well so I can see why she (the friend) might think that.....and then just wait and see what his reaction is to it?

seamus

nonamegrrrl wrote: »

I’ve liked a friend of mine (he’s male, I’m female) for about a year. I’ve decided I need to tell him I have feelings for him. It’s possible that he once liked me. My gut instinct now tells me he’s not interested however. Alas, this instinct is not helping me “get over it”. I’m tired of the whole thing. I need to know either way. I will be crushed but it’s gone on too long.

If you're sure he fancied you at one point, then you can take it as read that he probably still does. For men, the whole "Friend zone" thing does exist, but we rarely get to the point where we wouldn't score a hot friend. We'll still recognise a girl as attractive and desirable, even when we consider them a good friend.

The only way that he would no longer fancy you is if he's already in a relationship, or if you're now his ex.

As you say, he's very shy, so it's likely that he's just never had the courage to approach you, and has now resigned himself to be stuck firmly in your "friend zone".

nonamegrrrl wrote: »

Drunken score isn't a possibility...

It's also not a great idea, as the post before yours shows. Drunken score gives too much opportunity to write it off as a nothing. Having one or two drinks to loosen you up is OK, just don't do it when you're hammered.

I think he must suspect something. He'd have to be pretty dumb not to.

He's male. If you don't have it written on a neon sign displayed on your forehead, it's likely that he hasn't a clue.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Drunken score thing just won't work. There was opportunity for that, and nothing happened.

It'd be nice to think he likes me, but, I'd rather not fuel that anymore. I just need to know how to tell and be done with it! Feel really awkward with him at the moment, I'm gotten into my head that I must tell him and now any time I see him I can barely say hello. I think he might be a tad confused. How do I approach telling him/overcome my awkwardness?

Oryx

nonamegrrrl wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. Drunken score thing just won't work. There was opportunity for that, and nothing happened.

It'd be nice to think he likes me, but, I'd rather not fuel that anymore. I just need to know how to tell and be done with it! Feel really awkward with him at the moment, I'm gotten into my head that I must tell him and now any time I see him I can barely say hello. I think he might be a tad confused. How do I approach telling him/overcome my awkwardness?

Can you ask him out? Is that a possibility? Not so much a 'date' thing, just, hey... would you meet me for a coffee? Then youve got him on your own in a one to one, and can blurt out what you want to say. Plus the fact that youve asked him to meet you like that would kind of prepare him (unless hes really thick:D) for your move.

And the only way to say it, is a big deep breath and come out with it. If your embarrassed, be open about that to him. If he is shy himself, he will understand.

seamus

nonamegrrrl wrote: »

I think he might be a tad confused. How do I approach telling him/overcome my awkwardness?

It will be awkward and you will be nervous. You can't wait for that to go away.

Best is to get him on his own. Most shy people are more open and easier to talk to when you're alone than when there's a group there - even if you're talking one-on-one.

Decide one day, "Right, today's the day", and when there are none of your mates around, you take his hand, say, "Come with me", and then you go and sit somewhere quiet where you're unlikely for your other mates to find you - in a field or some such. If you bump into people and can't get away, then abort and pick your time, another time. Once you have him alone, then just say whatever.

Craft25

It doesn't matter really how you tell him, just that you do.. definitely in a one on one situation... given you say both of yous have awkwardness/shyness maybe you should just pass him a note, a short and simple note.. get it over like ripping a plaster off... ideally the connection can be made through flirting, eyes and instant understanding of whats there between you, but if you both have trouble taking the leap of faith best thing is to just get it 'out there'

go for it

homerun_homer

I know a girl who is a good friend and she told my best friend plenty of times when drunk years ago that she was mad about him and wanted if nothing else just a sh@g. He refused her attempts and they still get on like a house on fire and have no embarrassed feelings between them.

So it all depends on what way your relationship is with each other. Can you both talk openly about most things, and feel like you can spill your guts to each other. Or is it a case of ye are just good friends who hang out & chat about regular things, nothing too personal.

Arrange a meet up as someone posted above and just tell the guy. Just say that you simply want to get it off your chest and if he doesn't feel the same way then you'll not make a big deal about it.

cps_goodbuy

Just tell him and see how he reacts. It shouldn't be that hard. If he's a nice guy he will let you know how he feels about it and you both can decide what will happen?

j0605

nonamegrrrl wrote: »

I’ve liked a friend of mine (he’s male, I’m female) for about a year. I’ve decided I need to tell him I have feelings for him. It’s possible that he once liked me. My gut instinct now tells me he’s not interested however. Alas, this instinct is not helping me “get over it”. I’m tired of the whole thing. I need to know either way. I will be crushed but it’s gone on too long.

So, I need advice as to how to tell him. He’s very shy, and I can be too… I just have no idea as to how to approach the situation. Should I do it in person? How should I put it? Every time I contemplate doing it I feel like I’m facing a brick wall, I don’t what to do. Any advice/help appreciated.

You needto tell him a.s.a.p. Stop thinking about "what if" and go and do it. The more you over analyise this the less likely you will be to tell him.

Maybe text or mail him and tell him how you feel at least you yount have to deal with it face to face as you said both of you are shy.

YouR head is obviously wrecked wondering does he or doesnt he, but life is too short just find out, even if you dont get the reply you are looking for, in the long run you will be glad as you cant move on and.

as i said............... LIFE IS TOO SHORT.

LegacyUser

op,listen, i'm really sorry to be the one telling you this, but if a guy likes you enough, he WILL ask you out himself, no matter how shy he is.
If he hasn't so far, it means he's not that into you, just try to get over him.
sorry.

LegacyUser

Hey,

Ok so, about a year and a half ago I had the biggest crush on my friend. I told him right when he had a girlfriend, which was, indeed, a terrible move. All he said was that we'd "work through it" together, which was definitely not what I needed to hear, and things didn't work out as I had invisioned. Then he went off and told the girlfriend who subsequently said some pretty nasty things about me etc. etc.
BUT I am really close to his best friend who told me that only a few months he was on the verge of telling me he felt something for me, but didn't because he thought he'd get a negative response.

So the moral of the story is; pick your time wisely.
But I would definitely recommend you tell him as there is certainly a good chance he likes you, and if he's quiet as you said he probably won't take it upon himself to make the first move.

Best of luck.

Kell

nonamegrrrl wrote: »

Feel really awkward with him at the moment, I'm gotten into my head that I must tell him and now any time I see him I can barely say hello.

Aw. Its like Kyle and Wendy from Southpark.

Now. This is how you ask him out in three easy steps-

1) Remove finger from rear end
2) Tell him you like him
3) Deal with the consequences

Everything you do in life is made up of those steps. Decision, action, response. Get used to it now or procrastinate the rest of your life away.

Besides, whats the worst that can happen? He's not exactly going to slap you in the face for asking him out now is he and even if he did, thats not really too bad at all.

Seriously- pull your finger out and just go and do it.

K-

LegacyUser

sorry wrote: »

op,listen, i'm really sorry to be the one telling you this, but if a guy likes you enough, he WILL ask you out himself, no matter how shy he is.
If he hasn't so far, it means he's not that into you, just try to get over him.
sorry.

i completely disagree with this

OP don't listen to this person

I liked a girl for 8 months, i'm fairly out going but i still couldn't get the balls to ask her

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I guess I was hoping for someone to hand me a script and make everything seem so easy. When it comes down to it, I'm spineless. I just need to do it.

'sorry', what you're saying is quite possibly true. Although, I think you might be making a huge generalisation. It's irrelevant anyway. I think I need to get it out there before I can get over this. My motivation for doing it is so I can move forwards, one way or the other. I'm not expecting him to reciprocate what I feel anyway.

Beruthiel

nonamegrrrl wrote: »

I guess I was hoping for someone to hand me a script and make everything seem so easy. When it comes down to it, I'm spineless. I just need to do it.

You'll be dead a very long time.
Before that happens, live your life to the fullest.
It's as simple as finding a quiet place, looking him in the eyes and telling him.

qt9ukbg60ivjrn

nonamegrrrl wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. Drunken score thing just won't work. There was opportunity for that, and nothing happened.

It'd be nice to think he likes me, but, I'd rather not fuel that anymore. I just need to know how to tell and be done with it! Feel really awkward with him at the moment, I'm gotten into my head that I must tell him and now any time I see him I can barely say hello. I think he might be a tad confused. How do I approach telling him/overcome my awkwardness?

you can't overcome the awkwardness until you've said it

thats like saying how do i empty the glass without taking the water out?

i told a girl i once liked her to her face, i had the shakes and was about to puke right in front of her, one of the most nervous things i've ever done (shows how mediocre my life has been!) but it was extremely liberating, i hate the expression " a weight lifted off my shoulders" but it literally does

Just do it

DO IT


and then tell me what happens:D

Sugar Drunk

telling him is a risk. ask yourself can you cope with him not reciprocating and the possible demise of your friendship which is the worse case scenario?

If it were me I would tell him and see what happens as if you dont you will always obsees about it and wonder what if and you will be gutted if he goes off with another girl.

men (and women sometimes) can be rather dim when it comes to realising someone likes them. and besides if he doesnt feel the same at least you know - thats gotta be better than what your feeling right now?

Ive seen this with my own friends and i think theres two schools of people - those that would rather take a risk and know for sure and those that wont take a risk as they are happier staying in limbo land where they can always hope

tinabyrne5

God, I know how you feel. I went through the same thing years ago.
I was terrified that he wouldn't feel the same and even if he did feel the same, i was afraid that if things didn't work out, would we lose each other as friends.
I plucked up the courage(sober) one day to say it to him and was very relieved to hear that he had the same feelings. That was 12 years ago and we have been happily married for 10 years.
I know you are anxious but if you don't let him know how you feel you may never know he feels.

Take the chance!

tdc

OP sorry to hear that you're in this situation, it's not a nice place to be.

I don't like telling you this but your friendship with him is as good as over. The best thing to do is tell him how you feel and just put everything out there. Maybe he likes you back or maybe he doesn't - either way, it is not fair on either of you if you continue to stay the way you are.

The best thing that could happen is you tell him you like him and he tells you he feels the same way. The next best thing that could happen is that he will tell you nicely that he doesn't feel the same way but he still cares a lot about you. The worst thing that could happen is that you don't say anything and you keep your feelings for him to yourself while carrying on as friends.

Just telling him will be emotional and upsetting, even before he responds. If he doesn't feel the same way, it will be hard but all you can do is say OK and over time you will see how things work out - maybe you will continue as normal and stay friends (doubtful) or maybe you will get on with your own life, get over him in time and move on.

In response to the original question of how you should tell him, all i can think of is go somewhere where you are both comfortable and familiar with. Not sure if one of your houses is the best place, I cant really help you there. The two of you should just sit down and you should just give him the jist (Over the last while Ive looked at you as more than a friend, etc).

Best of luck anyway, just remember this is one of those important moments that you will face in your lifetime and whatever happens everything will work out for the best.

little lady

Just tell him or ask him on a date. The worst he can say is no but he may say yes. If he says no, then you can move on, if he says yes Happy Days!!

Don't stay wondering, tell him.

scary_tractors

I've been in this situation too, and we're going out happily for seven years now.

It doesn't always work like that, but there are times in life when you just have to bite the bullet.

Have you tried flirting with him? Or would he even get that's what you're doing? (As previous posters have said... sometimes men can be very, very stupid)

If you've tried every weapon at your disposal then you have to just come out and say it. A couple of drinks is not a bad idea, but as someone said above, getting hammered is a terrible idea. A bit of Dutch courage to enable you speak up is no harm if you're as shy as you say. And a wing-woman waiting nearby to bring you home if things don't work out as you hope.

If your friendship is that strong, it will survive this, even if he doesn't reciprocate. If he's stupid enough to think the friendship can't survive it, then he underestimates you and isn't worth it anyway. And if he feels the same, you will never, ever regret saying it.

Carpe diem!

the_syco

There's not one lad who will think bad of a woman asking him out. Go for it.

LegacyUser

I really don’t want to go into the details but, I talked to two friends who know the situation between better than any others tonight. They think it would be a terrible idea to tell him. I agree with them for two reasons – one being that it would create a lot of awkwardness amongst a group of friends of mine and the other being that not telling him seems like a much more attractive option. They think it would really achieve nothing. They think I should just get over it; they feel confident that he knows (though they don’t know for definite) I like him and think he would have done something by now if he felt the same. They think that even if he does like me, given his odd/awkward demeanour he won’t react well and that it’ll end up awkward regardless. I think I just need to face reality. One of them said that even if he did reject me directly, I’d probably find it just as hard to get over him anyway… I just need to move on.

Thanks so much for all of your advice but I think this is what I’ll go with. Deep down I know he’s just not interested anyway. I’m sorry for wasting time.

tinabyrne5

I can't believe you are gonna just give up because of your friends opinions.
Personally i think you should go for it. If you do nothing about it, you will always wonder "WHAT IF..."

LegacyUser

nonamegrrrl wrote: »

I really don’t want to go into the details but, I talked to two friends who know the situation between better than any others tonight. They think it would be a terrible idea to tell him. I agree with them for two reasons – one being that it would create a lot of awkwardness amongst a group of friends of mine and the other being that not telling him seems like a much more attractive option. They think it would really achieve nothing. They think I should just get over it; they feel confident that he knows (though they don’t know for definite) I like him and think he would have done something by now if he felt the same. They think that even if he does like me, given his odd/awkward demeanour he won’t react well and that it’ll end up awkward regardless. I think I just need to face reality. One of them said that even if he did reject me directly, I’d probably find it just as hard to get over him anyway… I just need to move on.

Thanks so much for all of your advice but I think this is what I’ll go with. Deep down I know he’s just not interested anyway. I’m sorry for wasting time.

My heart goes out to you, OP. If it makes you feel any better, you're not the only one feeling like that tonight.
I feel the exact same way about a guy, and by the sounds of it, my guy and yours are twins!
He's also rather awkward and odd, but that only makes him even more adorable. I've really liked him for a long time now, but would never do anything about it. Like I mean, what can a girl do ?
Taking the initiative and asking him out is not exactly something I'd feel comfortable doing. And if I tell him about my feelings and he doesn't reciprocate, I'd feel so crushed and ashamed I'd probably give up on life...
So I do think the 'not-telling' decision you've made is the only right one. You know, it's easier to live in hope that some day he might realise just how much you care for him and ask you out, than...
Oh, I don't even know what I'm trying to say.
Hope it all works out for you, dear.

Victor

Unregistered wrote: »

My heart goes out to you, OP. If it makes you feel any better, you're not the only one feeling like that tonight.
I feel the exact same way about a guy, and by the sounds of it, my guy and yours are twins!
He's also rather awkward and odd, but that only makes him even more adorable. I've really liked him for a long time now, but would never do anything about it. Like I mean, what can a girl do ?
Taking the initiative and asking him out is not exactly something I'd feel comfortable doing. And if I tell him about my feelings and he doesn't reciprocate, I'd feel so crushed and ashamed I'd probably give up on life...
So I do think the 'not-telling' decision you've made is the only right one. You know, it's easier to live in hope that some day he might realise just how much you care for him and ask you out, than...
Oh, I don't even know what I'm trying to say.
Hope it all works out for you, dear.

Poster, can you please use paragraphs? Trying to read the above isn't fair on other people, especially those with reading difficulties. Failure to improve may see posts not approved or a delay in approval .

LegacyUser

Victor wrote: »

Poster, can you please use paragraphs? Trying to read the above isn't fair on other people, especially those with reading difficulties. Failure to improve may see posts not approved or a delay in approval .

sorry Victor, my mistake

Elessar

I would usually advocate telling the person, but in certain situations it would be more beneficial to not say or do anything, and I think this is one of those. I am in a similar situation, but unlike (like?) you, it's a close friend and any rejection would be disasterous.

So I think, for the best, don't tell him.

Squirrel

Personally, if a friend liked me I'd want to know. Even if it wouldn't be a favourable answer I'd prefer for the friendship to be open. If you're close enough for you to think it would be awkward if he rejected you then surely you're close enough for some openness

impr0v

A guy with an odd/awkard demeanour isn't going to ask you out; it's indicative of a certain social uneasiness and insecurity. That's not the type of guy to ask out a friend.

If you do nothing and he does nothing then nothing happens.

Do what someone suggested earlier and arrange to meet up for coffee. A one on one situation leads to more of the same and perhaps something will happen that will give you a clearer indication of how he feels... Otherwise it's just chickening out and giving up.

Carsinian Thau

I recommend following the suggestion to go for coffee with him and tell him when it's just the two of you.

It's very important that it's just the two of you though and that you can't be interupted. I was in the same situation recently but foolishly ended up having the conversation in her kitchen. Her flatmate came back and we had to postpone the conversation for another day. The same mistake happened again and the entire thing ended up being drawn out over three days. Not fun.

But I maintain that it's always better to know and the friendship hasn't suffered that much.

And you're right about knowing. It should help you get over him (if needed!).

Rockshamrover

A little story.

There was a man who every day dreamt of winning the lottery. Each night before he went to bed, he would say his prayers and would ask God to let him win.

This went on for years and years and eventually the man died without winning.

He arrived in heaven and God was there to greet him. The man was not to happy with god and asked him "why did you not answer my prayers?" God said "I did answer your prayers but...........You never bought a lottery ticket."

Go get yourself a lottery ticket. We all want you to win.