Jealous of friend

LegacyUser

I feel pathetic even making an issue about this. I'm 31, look younger,am very good looking,(I'm told!)fit, I'm good craic and populare with both guys and gals.I get loads of attention from guys when Im out but I wouldnt be the type to look for it or compete for it. Unless,that is, Im with this one particular friend.She's gorgeous.In a different way to how people might say I am. Im tall and sort of classically attractive(Im aware I sound like a knob describing myself,its not as arrogant as it sounds) and my friend is small and sort of feisty looking and is also brilliant fun.For some reason I never feel as attractive when shes around.And she's not my only good looking friend,Ive friends who are possibly better looking than her but i dont f eel this way about them.She's quite loud with a strong personality I suppose so from that point of view it's easy to feel overshadowed. I just hate the feelings I get when she's around.I feel resentful toward her a bit and I'm constantly watching my own boyf(all of them over the years)to see how he's responding to her.The worst thing is I love her to bits.She's a fantastic friend.I don't want to feel like this about her.How can I stop though?

AngryBadger

Sounds like you invest a lot of emphasis on looks, and maybe not as much on personality, form over substance so to speak. Your friend is maybe not as physically attractive as you, but she's got more personality, or maybe she's just not afraid to be herself, whereas you are.

I'm not trying to offend here, but it does sound like you're very fixated with the visceral, and while anyone who'll claim not to care what someone looks like is a filth liar, the fact remains that a less attractive person who is confident and not riddled with isnecut=rities will always get on better with everyone.

I think you realise this about yourself and your friend, and you resent her because through no fault of her own she's emphasising all the great qualities you feel you don't have.

Focus less on your friends success vs. your own perceived lack of success, and try not to obsess over the physical so much, I'd imagine it's very difficult to be easy with yoruself, and therefore other people, when you're as hung up on looks as you obviously are.

Dudess

Maybe she envies her tall, slim, elegant, attractive friend who gets lots of attention from lads. Maybe she envies that you don't feel you have to be the life and soul of the place to get people flocking to you, whereas she does. Maybe she envies your cool, calm manner versus her loud one. I've a friend who's exactly like yours - small and always the life and soul of the place, yet she has severe confidence/security issues.

It seems like the issue is more in your mind than reality, therefore try and relax instead of blowing out of proportion something which is likely to be completely inconsequential.

bigpinkelephant

That's true- it's often the loudest people that have the most inner problems. They are loud to cover it up.
It actually makes things harder for them, because they feel they can't talk to anyone because they are supposed to be the fun lively carefree one.

Craft25

you seem more envious about her personality and bubblyness than about her looks.. feeling that you are overshadowed and less attractive... i suppose you've gotta think beyond the first impression qualities when you judger yourself..

dont think.. ooh im not as bubbly and fun as her.. think, people like me cos im interesting, trustworthy, a good friend, loveable, can hold a conversation.. whatever your qualities are...

also i think you could have a little (possibly after a few glasses of wine) conversation with her.. along the lines of: "you're such a fun, cool, vivacious person, sometimes i wish i could be like that" - i'm sure, if she's the good friend you say she is, that she would respond by listing off all of your qualities and why she values you as a friend - it could only deepen the friendship to tell your friend what you see her qualities as

similarly you could tell your boyfriend (long term, not on 1st date ) about your feelings of being overshadowed, if he's any sort of man, he'll give you the reassurance and love to make you feel better!

PS: Dont ever feel bad for feeling bad, how you feel is how you feel, dont apologise but dont keep it in either if possible

fasty

There's nothing wrong with wanting someone somebody else has, and your friends are your peers, you'll always measure yourself against them, but just be yourself and be thankful of what you've got. Don't let it turn into full out jealousy, it's an ugly emotion and one that'll just make YOU the bad person in the long run.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice. AngryBadger, I understand you thinking I may be hung up on looks, but Im not at all. I did point out the fact we're both good fun,I think this is of huge importance where attractivenss is concerned. Its just that when this girl is around, I don't feel as though I can "hold my own" as well. Whereas when she's not, I'm not even aware of holding my own or not, if you understand.It just bothers me that i feel like this at all. Lots of good advice in here though,so thaks again to all.

Beetlebum

Get over yourself. Your post made me really annoyed. You sound like a pathetic child. Jesus Christ, wise up and grow up you fool.

Beruthiel

Beetlebum wrote: »

Get over yourself. Your post made me really annoyed. You sound like a pathetic child. Jesus Christ, wise up and grow up you fool.

Posting on Boards since 2006 and still haven't read this forums charter.
Another comment like that and I'll ban you.
B

Beetlebum

Beruthiel wrote: »

Posting on Boards since 2006 and still haven't read this forums charter.
Another comment like that and I'll ban you.
B

Sorry. That was a little harsh. I had a really heavy weekend and took it out on the OP. Hangover + Monday morning.

AngryBadger

jealousgirl wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice. AngryBadger, I understand you thinking I may be hung up on looks, but Im not at all. I did point out the fact we're both good fun,I think this is of huge importance where attractivenss is concerned. Its just that when this girl is around, I don't feel as though I can "hold my own" as well. Whereas when she's not, I'm not even aware of holding my own or not, if you understand.It just bothers me that i feel like this at all. Lots of good advice in here though,so thaks again to all.

My point wasn't really supposed to focus on your obsession with looks OP. Although let's not kid ourselves here, a lot of other people have picked up on exactly the same tone in your post.

The point I'm making is that we're usually jealous of other people because we feel they espouse some characteristic that we lack ourselves, (or maybe we don't lack it but think we do). Like it or not, you obviously feel that being around thie "friend" highlights something lacking in you. I don't know what that is, I can only speculate based on what you've posted, and in that vein your primary focus does appear to be how good looking you are.

In any case whether that's the truth or not is irrelevant, the fact remains that your "friend" highlights some perceived flaw in your own personality, because of this you're jealous and a little resentful of her, but the problem isn't with her it's with you. You need to identify whatever it is about her you're so jealous of (i.e. is it her strong personality, or is it just that she seems to get on better with your bf than you do at times), and you need to address it within the context of your own lifestyle.

Gone Drinking

Go see a shrink, this is not normal. You obviously have some sort of complex.

Dragan

Gone Drinking wrote: »

Go see a shrink, this is not normal. You obviously have some sort of complex.

Not really. The human condition is fraut with insecurities.

OP, you just need to figure out where your's are stemming from. Is the fact that when she is around their is a bit of limelight taken off you?

LegacyUser

Wow! Some harsh replies there! Thanks so much for giving me a dose of reality, if only I'd thought of "getting over myself" before now. I opened my first post by saying it was pathetic so nothing eye opening about that remark. I am fully aware of how silly and teenage it sounds and probably is, which is why I posted here in the first place. In every other way I feel I'm a confidant adult, so I'm just wondering why I can sometimes feel this way. I've never let it affect how I behave with my friend btw, all the qualities that attract others to her attracted me to her and I'd be the first to compliment her and speak highly of her and point out to anyone, (including boyfriends) how fabulous she looks and is in general. I admire her alot. It is what some of you pointed out, that somehow she makes me feel lacking and I doubt anybody likes feeling like that. I'd worked that out for myself though,all I wanted was some advice on how to stop feeling like that. But how do I go about making myself more secure? Is therapy or a "shrink" really necessary, would that not be a bit drastic?

Karen_*

It probably only sounds like you're a silly teenager to someone who is too immature to admit that they have failings themselves and that jealous thoughts have certainly crossed their minds even if only once in their life. Or to a fully secure person who has never had a moment of self doubt in their entire lives. And that person doesn't exist.

It should boost your esteem enormously that you're doing your best not to feel the way you do and that you go out of your way to compliment and speak well of your friend. You're a nice person.

So start there and thats looking at all the good things about yourself. And maybe even talk to your friend about it. I'm sure there's things about you she admires and qualities of yours that she wishes she has. I don't think you'll feel better overnight but certainly getting it all out in the open will help.