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How to deal with sister and her 2 year old spoiled brat?

  • 05-10-2008 02:02AM
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭


    This is an awful thing to say about a two year old, but God forgive me I just cant help it - she's a spoiled brat!!!

    Ok, here's the story: For reasons too long and detailed to go into, my sister is staying in my house with her two year old and they'll be with me for the next three to four months. We're only one week in and sweet holy Jesus, I've never seen or heard anything like it in my life! I'm a mother myself so it's not like I don't know what the terrible two's are all about, but trust me, this is on a whole other level, this is on a level all of its own!

    In fairness, the real problem is not the poor child, it's her mother and her unbelievable attitude. She has the little one the way she is. Her daughter is a beautiful little child, it's just that she's been reared to believe that anything she wants, she has every entitlement to get - and pronto. I could go on and on with loads of examples of this I've seen over the last week but I'll just give you a few otherwise I'd be typing all night. Last night I asked my sister, since we had people on the way round, if she'd tidy away the mountain of toys/teddies/clothes/shoes/beakers etc etc etc that were strewn all around my living room (on the sofa, chairs, table, under the table - basically EVERYWHERE) and you know, I got the shock of my life with the reaction I was met with. Firstly she asked me "What stuff"? as she was looking at the mess from hell, she was looking right though it, like she couldn't even see it!! And I said "That stuff, all of it" Then she basically threw a strop, tutting and speaking to me in an appalled tone, like she couldn't believe the nerve of me expecting a bit of tidiness in my own living room!!!

    She went on to say that her daughter "needed her toys" (all of them apparently, at the same time) but of course I was firm and told her to cop on and pointed out that she had no right to impose chaos on me. She picked up some of the stuff and stropped her way up the stairs with it as though she'd just been done a terrible disservice (and believe me, she truly thought she had!) she came down for more (one trip wouldn't do it, nor would two, there was that much stuff) I gathered up the rest of it and followed her and we had a few more words on the landing. I told her we all accept that toddlers make a bit of a mess but if she thought living like that was normal I didn't know what to say to her.

    So then comes this morning, her daughter reached up onto the mantelpiece (which she's been told a hundred times not to do) and knocked down a picture of a deceased friend of mine, breaking the glass leaving deep scratches on the irreplaceable picture. Of course since she's only two I hadn't anything to say to her about her having done that (much as it annoyed and upset me, I'd feel that's her mothers place) but what really got me was my sisters reaction, far from reprimanding her she just said "Oh, maybe it fell"!!!!!

    I don't really know where I'm going with this post, I guess I'm just wondering does anybody have any advice on how I can deal with this bullsh!t? I've got months of it to come and I honestly don't know how I'm going to cope. Putting my sister out is just not an option, she has nowhere to go and I'd never do that to her.

    The little one's habits are obviously deeply ingrained, she's been raised to think it's normal to live knee deep in crap, to pull off all the fridge magnets, fire them onto the floor and leave them there, to fling her shoes, socks and whatever else in the air and let them fall where they may (and then leave them there, of course) to go rummaging though fridges and presses and shelves and fcuking everything everywhere. And then after all that, for Gods sake, she opens her mouth and bawls for anything she wants and finds it handed directly to her. Sometimes she'll bawl for what she wants, other times she'll bawl for what she doesn't want, like a few days back when I cooked her dinner and she bawled her head off till her mother handed her the banana she wanted instead!

    Like I said, I've raised kids, so I know what way your average two year old will carry on and trust me, this is way above and beyond that. It's a 24/7 struggle, trying to live with this child, and I am beginning to resent the hell out of my sister over it. She has that child the way she is by caving in to her every demand. Things arent going to get better either by the looks of it, at least not without a lot of arguing on my part, because the message is obviously not sinking in - this morning when I came down the stairs I saw that the living room was right back to square one with all of the little ones crap flung everywhere just like it was yesterday evening when I asked my sister to clean it up. I felt like strangling the fcuking pair of them...

    I've already resolved to go out and by a large toybox and insist that her daughter put her toys in that, and also to get as much stuff as she could possibly damage up out of her reach, but that is only the tip of the iceberg. How on earth am I going to get through the next few months with my sister thinking I'm being unreasonable by expecting her to control her own child?????


Comments

  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Education Moderators, Paid Member Posts: 27,404 CMod ✭✭✭✭spurious


    The two year old is not the problem of course, your sister is. Unfortunately, your sister is cultivating what WILL be a problem five year old in a few years. Don't you just envy the teachers who will have to deal with her in a room of up to thirty, many of them with similar behaviour?

    It's your home, it's your rules.

    Get the toy box and if your sister won't do it, you train the child to put her toys in it when she's finished playing. Have some sort of a reward for her when she does it.

    You may have to invest in locks for doors on rooms you do not want her in, but by the sounds of it, you have two children on your hands there, one big, one small. You haven't had to child-proof your living space, but it may be worth doing, especially if you can't tell her to leave.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 994 ✭✭✭Carrigart Exile


    Children between the ages of 20 months and 40 months can easily resemble the spawn of satan, it called the terrible twos. For the parents its hell, for the non parents looking on it just appears dreadfiul behaviour which you would expect controlled. Cut everybody some slack and don't take a dislike to the 2 year old.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,022 ✭✭✭anthony4335


    What ever about the childs behaviour the mothers is unacceptable . You will just have to tell her the hard thruth that the way she lets the child behave and her own behavior is not acceptable. She should be greatfull that you have given her a place to stay, and should be doing everything she can not to impose too much. Be honest and straight if not for your sake think of the child ,been allowed to carry on like this will adversely affect the child in the years to come.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 954 ✭✭✭marti101


    I think you will have to set some ground rules and your sister if she doesnt like it tell her tough.Your house your rules thats just the way it is.How old are your children could they not take the child out to the park and you have a few words with your sister,cause the child could be playing up because shes somewhere new and doesnt know how to tell you shes scared.Just get your sister for a chat and tell it to her straight otherwise next week you might lose the head and shes be out on her ear.I know you dont want it to happen so nip it in the bud now.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 32,286 Mod ✭✭✭✭The_Conductor


    As Marti says- you are going to have to sit down and set ground rules in stone. It is your house, and if she wants to stay with you- she has to accept that she is in another person's home and abide by whatever they the rules of the house are..... I don't know what the circumstances are- but it should be spelt out to her, that you are under no obligation to house her- that you are allowing her to stay out of the goodness of your heart- and if she wants to stay that she has to cop on. If she doesn't- she is free to leave, full stop. It really sounds as though if you give her an inch she will take a mile........


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43,044 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Has your sister done any parenting classes or read any parenting books ?
    I would suggest that you get one for her.
    I found http://www.familycaring.co.uk/course_parents.htm to be a very good range of books.

    Is there a parent and toddler group that she can attend if she is at home with the child ?
    Or is the child in creche/childminder and so she is afriad of upsetting the child when she does have the toddler and so gives in to easily ?

    Yes it is your home and your rules and there HAS to be a frame work but you can not take over parenting the child and will have to find a way to work with and support her as she parents the child herself.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    my sister spoils her now 9-year-old boy horribly in very similar ways, is in complete denial of his misbehavior, gushes over every little thing.
    My mother quotes Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura about how "nobody can parent another person's kid", so my mother lets him bully aggressively and disrespect her in her own house.
    This has been going on since baby-hood. YES, YES, she read all the latest parenting books while pregnant.
    Since birth, my sister and her husband were feeding him bodybuilder protein powder with creatine and fatburner in it. The baby was VERY aggressive. At 1, he was biting the face of his baby cousin and drawing blood.
    By age 1, Momma's spending every weekend with my retired middleclass folks, having them raise him on the weekends while she lays on the couch.
    By age 3, baby & momma had gone to live with my folks, and he harrassed an old dog and cat into early graves. My folks felt like they "had nowhere to go", yet this ENABLED my sister & child's father to Not-work, Not-parent, Not-support. My sister "was" very good at a wellpaying bank trade and could've been a grownup, but instead she's got my parents brainwashed with Dr Laura & Dr Phil about how "Mommies should raise their babies".
    By 4, he lures the other slightly younger cousin alone and beats him bloody in the face--all because he was told to share toys.
    By 4.5, he is still using a diaper, as Momma sweetly coos & pets over him soiling himself. Also at this age, he's still barely talking, so the Dr's force ear-tubes on him over her objections that it's not needed. He is still hitting animals.
    I threatened to call Children's Services over the scary aggressive behavior and him still being fed bodybuilder powder (and only chicken nuggets, apple and orange juice). I was told by my mother (since the child is living there) for ME to NOT visit anymore as they feel like they need to provide a "good childhood" for him.
    My parents get manipulated into sending her to college AGAIN for a new degree as she didn't like her last wellpaying profession, plus supporting her and the kid. Meanwhile she refuses to get any financial help from her estranged husband, and lets him have all the marital assets and her share of their large business. She visits every weekend, while my folks raise the kid, they do laundry, cook and feed my sister and kid.
    Since then, my parents have raised the boy for 2 school years, while she bounces around entry-level jobs in the new field in different cities. The boy's doing better with my Dad's rules and some toughness, but Mom is still not disciplining or any rules, so he's bullying her. My Mom is still quoting Drs Phil and Laura's "no discipline of other people's kids".
    He also gets in the rest of our faces, tells us we're "stupid", "shut-up", "you don't know anything"--which I've experienced every waking minute of everyday. No chores, no responsibilities, no consequences for bad behavior, no bedtimes. Lots, lots of video games, and rude, rude cartoons. Smashes expensive toys and blames it on the cousins.
    His mommy comes home every weekend, they've been sleeping in the same bed for 9 years, she gets furious if you even suggest he did something wrong.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 195 ✭✭Astrogeek


    ^ ^
    Just omg wow your poor parents, that is just herrible, I don't even know what to say...

    And body-builder power?! To a baby?! Why? That can't be normal?!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 467 ✭✭aoibhebree


    Children between the ages of 20 months and 40 months can easily resemble the spawn of satan, it called the terrible twos. For the parents its hell, for the non parents looking on it just appears dreadfiul behaviour which you would expect controlled. Cut everybody some slack and don't take a dislike to the 2 year old.

    In my opinion, this is completely untrue. Maybe some children actually do have ADHD or other behavioural problems, but most children have the capacity to rationalise and understand the difference between good and bad behaviour. At that age they can find it difficult to communicate their thoughts and needs, which can result in frustration and the occasional tantrum, but if these tantrums are dealt with calmly and appropriately at the time they occur, they are less likely to happen again.

    What children need at that age is, above all, consistency. OP, in general I think it's up to the parents to bring up their own children, but when they're living in your house it's ovbiously a different matter. But even if you were to start disciplining the child, if your sister contradicted you and let the child away with whatever she wanted behind your back, any good work you did would just be undermined and the only result would be that the child would still be spoiled and would probably just end up hating you!

    I think you need to sit down and make an ultimatum with your sister. Either the two of you make a detailed plan of what rules you're going to have in the house, how you're going to impose them, and how you are going to try to improve the child's behaviour. Or, if she doesn't agree to this, she'll have to find alternative accommodation.

    Reading back on this, I sound like an absolute dictator! But I'm not, and as someone who brought up a young child, I know from experience that by taking the proper disciplinary measures as required just a couple of times, and explaining thouroughly to the child exactly what they did wrong and why they must not do it again, these incidents will be very few and far between. (That, or else I just got lucky with a very good little girl!! :))

    At the end of the day, it is your house. If she can't comply with your rules or even make an attempt to, you have no reason to feel guilty about asking her to leave.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 151 ✭✭oil painting


    Hi OP,

    you sound like you are acting from the goodness of your heart to help your sis out, Your sister may be going through a stressful time so there may be added tension from her,

    I think she will build up further resentment to you because you will have to pull her up on different things.

    I think you should sit her down and come up with a plan, would it be appropriate to say that she can do what she wants in her bedroom but that down staires you need to continue in your house like you usually do and that you need your home clean and presentable for when you have people coming etc.

    If you had a further room you might be able to allocate to her this may be even better also, i dunno if you have a second sitting room or bedroom but giving her a section if the house she can do things in may present some further privacy for her and for you.

    Discussions like this may make her feel you are trying to accommodate her and her needs while you are getting your needs met, and you can say to her that your relationship is very important to you and you do not want to fall out over living arrangements but you need the house to run a certain way and you need her support.

    I can imagine this would be quite hard if your not used to speaking to her this way, she may feel a bit humiliated, but she should respect your space even if you are sisters, do you have a husband/partner living with you also?


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 750 ✭✭✭VaioCruiser


    smccarrick wrote: »
    As Marti says- you are going to have to sit down and set ground rules in stone. It is your house, and if she wants to stay with you- she has to accept that she is in another person's home and abide by whatever they the rules of the house are..... I don't know what the circumstances are- but it should be spelt out to her, that you are under no obligation to house her- that you are allowing her to stay out of the goodness of your heart- and if she wants to stay that she has to cop on. If she doesn't- she is free to leave, full stop. It really sounds as though if you give her an inch she will take a mile........

    OP - please read this post over and over again and take this advice. You made one big mistake, NOT implementing this kind of thing before she moved in.
    Now you need to do it, before you lose ALL control, and your mind....

    All the best


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