Afraid to go into a shop.....

LegacyUser

.........Long story short (ish....or maybe not) I have a 4 year old child and I'm a happy and pretty damn good single mum to a brilliantly happy, confident, bubbly little child. I had a 4 year "friendship" with my child's "father" which involved lots of foolish casual unprotected sex. I never wanted more, some of my friends are of the opinion that he wanted more (he did the chasing etc) but that's neither her nor there.

He has never wanted to know my child, calling her horrid names when she was a few months old. Now, my problem lies with his current flame. He has been seeing her and had even got her pregnant back in 2001, long before I fell pregnant to him. He always told me they were not together when I was with him, and I did believe him as we spent alot of time together and I heard their phone-calls to each other etc so I had the evidence they were not together when I was seeing him. (Basically, I'm not a tramp who was sleeping with someone elses man, I wouldn't do that and always questioned him as to their relationship status when we met up etc, he even used to ask me over when he had their child, I don't know why as our relationship was based around one thing mainly, and it wasn't childcare)

I was happy to fall pregnant, I was happy to become a single mum. I'd always wanted a baby but I've never really trusted men and have seen alot of failing relationships in my days and I knew I could give a child a good solid, secure and happy upbringing on my own and with the support of my brilliant family. As I'd overheard this man being extremely abusive to his ex on the phone, on the last night we were together, threatening to burn down her house and her work-place etc, and all because of access to the child, I decided, when I found out a week later that I was pregnant, that he would play no part in my chid's upbringing.

I fabricated a big lie - a one-night-stand with a bloke whose name I didn't catch and told my family and wider circle of friends that that's who I fell pregnant to. Only my closest friend, who always happened to be there when me and XXXXXXX were together, knew the truth. As our relationship was based around s*x and little more, not many people had known about it so no-one questioned my fabrication. Had the baby 9 months later and 2 months after that, I went out and got drunk, and stupidly phoned ex and told him about his child. He didn't really give me any sort of reaction. He met me straight away and brought me off in his car to a secluded spot. I don't think he was impressed, when he realised, that in my drunken state, all I wanted to do was talk about our child. He dropped me home and I heard nothing from him after that. I tried to phone him to ask him if I needed to keep my childs identity a secret any longer in order for him to tell ppl etc....but he told me he couldn't talk and he'd phone me back. He never did. A week later I decided to come clean to my family and all my closest friends, about who my child's father was.

In the mean time, he had gotten back with the mother of his other child (born in 2001, my child was born in 2004) and as she was an old school-mate of mine, a nasty piece of work, and we had never seen eye to eye, and lived close to some of my friends, she soon heard the news about my child, and who the father was. She called to my friends house wanting the truth so my friend asked me to call to her house. I did and for some reason, I decided to protect him without lying about my childs parentage and told her I'd had ONE one-night-stand with him and ended up pregnant. I don't know why I lied. She said he was denying it completely, and I lied to protect his relationship with her I suppose. I knew he wasn't with her when I was seeing him, I knew there was no doubt over my childs parentage and I knew he'd had unprotected s*x with me over and over and over again sometimes in an even more WILLING fashion than myself, yet when I heard he was denying it completely, I lied and said I'd merely had a one-night-stand and fallen pregnant.

Anyways, she believed him. He is the master of liars and she believed that I fabricated the whole thing in order to bag myself a wonderful (har har, he's the lowest of the low) father for my child. This could not be further from teh truth. He is a bad piece of work and I woudn't let him near my daughter. He's violent and aggresive and into all sorts and this girlfriend of his has even had him in court for attacking her on front of her kid etc etc etc.

My problem now is that I've been transferred through work to my home-town after a lovely stint away from here. And I've been offered a gorgeous affordable house for myself and my child and approved for a mortgage. My work-place is right next door to HER work-place. (his girlfriend) She lives right beside my child's creche. I see her almost every day, mostly we just pass each other in cars and she almost comes through the window at me, but some days I see her in the local shops etc. She is a bully, a skanger and a loud-mouth, none of which I am I might add. Last weekend I met her in one of a handful of nightclubs in my town (I hadn't been out in over 6 weeks as I've been saving for new house etc) and she "started" on me. I must admit, when it comes to it, I'm very intimidated by her. she's an ugly person inside and out. This girl believes that I fabricated a lie to "nab" her man. She believes I want him and she believes I would go to those lengths to get him. It coudn't be further from the truth, he's an out and out scumbag. But, because of his lies, she thinks I'm a threat to her, she hates my guts and I'm sure she wants me dead. This scares me as she is a really aggressive jeremy-kyle contestant type of girl. She would probably pick up a weapon (glass/bottle etc) in a split second and stick it in my throat. I'm scared of losing my life, I'm scared of my daughter losing her only parent and I'm also scared of this girl saying/shouting/screaming things on front of my daughter that I don't need my daughter to hear (name calling etc.....)

I know the "move out of town" thing would be a good solution but as a single-parent, I've tried that and failed, both financially and emotionally, I need my support network around me and living here is my only option. I know I would "beat the living sh*t" out of this girl if I lowered myself to her standards, and certain people who know me, her and the whole situation, would advise me to do this, to get rid of her for once and for all but I wouldn't do that, I'm a mother, with a decent reputation to uphold, and at any rate, every time she comes near me I clam up and lose all my bottle. I don't know why, but I know I will not lower my standards and meet this girl at her level. I am respected in my own circles as a hard worker, a good friend/daughter/sister and a decent loving mother. I will not be seen as a low-life tramp like this girl and have slagging matche with her in the local shop or spar her in a pub/nightclub etc. I always walk away as quck as my legs will carry me

But what do I do? She's bullying me, I do my best to avoid her, but it's nigh impossible now with both of our work-places so close etc. and living in a small town....Do I go to the gardai?? I don't really want to as I am a respected member of society who has never been in trouble apart from hanging around with the wrong crowd when I was young and stupid...I'm sure we all have made mistakes and I'm the first to admit that I'm not perfect.....and I already know the gardais reaction, why involve yourself with such low-lifes/scumbags? it's your own fault etc.....which it is, but it isn't my child's fault and I'm at my wits end not knowing what to do next. I'm so scared she'll physically or verbally attack me on front of my 4 year old daughter, the poor little creature would be heart-broken and devastated to see anything happen like that, not least to her mammy. She has never, and will never be exposed to violence or threatening "jeremy-kyle-style" behaviour, as long as I have anything to do with it.

How do I get the message through to this girl that I don't want her man, I don't want her man to be my child's father, and I just want to get on with my life, in peace????

A solicitor once advised me not to take it any further, court etc., he said they are scum and not to go down to their level. He reckons if I take any action towards them it will only make them think that I care as they are so narrow-minded etc. I don't want him in my or my child's life, but I wish she'd just leave me alone. She once said to me that "we want a DNA test" She didn't know that I'd asked him for one a week before and he said no guard, judge or solicitor would make him have one. So she truly believes his bullsh*t that I fancy him and want him as my child's father, and she even wanted him to have a DNA test.....

I had thought about writing this girl a letter but I really think she possibly knows the truth, but doesn't want to know at the same time......and writing her a letter might make her think she bothers me, which I suppose I shouldn't do.....I'm so confused. Come to think of it, I don't even know if she can read.......

If anyone has cared to read this long rambling mess, I'm truly very grateful, and any opinions, good or bad, are welcome and will be taken on board.

Any advice???? At all????

From anyone???

PS: After a few stints in jail, I now hear that my child's father has left the country, which I'm very glad of, but this doesn't change the fact that his girlfriend (who also has had a child to someone else while he was in jail) hates me, wishes me dead, and threatens me constantly. It's like she channels all her hatred of him and the world and her f*cked up life at me....and it's pretty scary, because I know she has alot to he hateful about (he's a very abusive man and they have a very volatile relationship)

HELP!!!

G&T

Wow,long post,

My advice is not to try and explain yourself to this person,
she is a scum bag,they can't reason logic(I dont want your fella)

He is no longer around which is good.
If she hooks up with another guy don't even look at him sideway's.;)

Your daughter will be going to big school next year and if you can send her to a different school than her kid's to avoid meeting at the gates.
Try to not be where she is as best you can,

Keep your head down and your dignity intact,
You will move up and on to better things,you will have a child to
be proud of,the respect of the locals and a happy home.
She will never have this,so you win.

By your post you are worlds apart fom this person as is
your daughter(nurture not nature:))
Look forward and ignore "your wan" as best you can,

Take care,

Karen_*

What a nightmare! And you sound absolutely terrified OP:(

G&T is right in saying not to contact her to try and reason. You can't reason with people who are beyond reason and like you say I suspect she DOES know the truth deep down. And is unfortunately taking everything out on you.

I think you should give it more time to die down and certainly don't go to the police or a solicitor just yet. If in six months there is no improvement then keep a record of her actions. But like with all bullies if she gets no reaction at all then she'll probably just get bored and go away.

themadchef

Good advice from the last two posters.

I cant add to it, just to say hold your head high and do not engage this woman in any sort of conversation. In time hopefully, she will get fed up it.

Sleepy

Sounds like you're already doing the right thing OP. Tough situation to be in. Is there any chance you could change jobs to further help avoid her?

Best just to try and steer clear and ensure your friends are aware of her behaviour in case another night happens like the last one where you ran into her in a nite-club...

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies.

If she hooks up with another guy don't even look at him sideway's.;)

Oh god, I realise now, the scum I was stupidly involved with years ago........believe me, there's no man that would even contemplate being in her life that I would even glance at!

Your daughter will be going to big school next year and if you can send her to a different school than her kid's to avoid meeting at the gates.

Oh god, that would be a definate nightmare. She's already started school though. I had to chose my 2nd option primary school for my daughter, because her daughter (3 or 4 years older than mine and already showing signs of being a carbon copy of the mother) was in the school I wanted to send my little one to. In some ways, it's good being in a small town, as I can find out these things but in other ways....

My daughters teenage years/secondary school years do bother me though, as both me & this girl went to the same secondary school (same class, and she fancied my "first love" boyfriend then too, bit of a bad history!) together so that would be my first choice (best school) for my daughter, but will it be her choice for hers?? Maybe by then I'll have got a promotion and moved away, no point worrying about the future I suppose....

By your post you are worlds apart fom this person as is
your daughter(nurture not nature:))
Look forward and ignore "your wan" as best you can,

Thank you, yeah, you are all right, thanks for the advice, I suppose all I can do is hold my head up high and avoid as best I can, but it's very annoying that every time my friends want me to go out I'm nervous about meeting this girl. She's a true psycho, she's even approached some of my friends, who have nothing to do with the situation, when I wasn't around, in pubs or clubs, in a threatening behaviour and they are all scared of her too, and I feel it's all my fault. My friends don't deserve that, hell neither do I, but I hate that they have been threatened aswell....We're all in our late 20s, heading for 30 by the way (not kids....it's pretty embarrassing at my age to be approached on front of friends and colleagues, and pushed around in a nightclub and have horrible things roared at you)

I just hope she never says or does anything on front of my precious innocent happy little girl. I've stopped bringing my daughter to the shop beside her minders now because I've seen "yer wans" car outside alot of evenings, and we had a ritual (every friday we'd go in for an ice-cream). The little one doesn't understand but sure the next shop down the road will have to do I suppose.....I just hate that there's a situation/person like this dictating what I do in my day to day life, when I haven't done anything wrong except had a relationship with a liar. We've a birthday party on Sunday and now I'm worried this "wan" will be there.....it's one thing after another...god, I'm rambling again, thanks for reading my very long first post ppl

Feckin knackers Grrrr

nkay1985

To be honest, the only thing to do in this situation is don't do anything! Don't try to talk to her, confront her, reason with her; none of it will do any good. But certainly don't let her dictate your life. So what if she works near you, lives near your creche, socialises in the same places. You carry on with your life as if she doesn't exist. And if she gets it into her head to physically or verbally abuse you, just go straight to the Gardai. That way it will be documented. The least they'll do is warn her. If anything happens again she could be bound to keep the peace or something similar.

She may be a scumbag but she has a couple of children to think of too and will be very unlikely to want to spend time in jail. One visit from the Gardai would sort her right out.

Hopefully it won't come to that. But at least you have the good sense to walk away when it happens; just this time when you walk away, walk straight to the Garda station.

The Gardai's reaction certainly won't be to ask why you're involved with these people so don't worry about that. They have to do their job and deal with threatening behaviour, no matter how it originated.

And whoever the solicitor is that you went to, he doesn't sound like any solicitor I've ever heard of - telling you to not take it any further, not to take it to their level by going to court (?). That's absolutely ridiculous.


Live your life as normal and if anything happens keep track of times, places and dates and make sure it's all documented witht he Gardai and you'll be grand

LegacyUser

nkay1985 wrote: »

She may be a scumbag but she has a couple of children to think of too and will be very unlikely to want to spend time in jail. One visit from the Gardai would sort her right out.

I genuinely think this girl is without any reason as you've mentioned above. Maybe, but I really believe that she wouldn't give a second thought to her children to be honest or in some sick way she'd twist things in her head and believe she's beating the head off me FOR her childrens sake... she is absolutely unreasonable....she's already roared about the whole situation on front of her daughter (who was about 5 or 6 at the time...and is my daughters half-sister...*shudder*) and a whole shop full of people. Talk about confusing a child?! She doesn't understand or care about the consequences of her actions, believe me, whether those consequences affect my or her life or loved-ones. I don't think the gardai would bother her either, would prob just rile her more/giv eher something to b*tch about. That's the type she is.

Hopefully it won't come to that. But at least you have the good sense to walk away when it happens; just this time when you walk away, walk straight to the Garda station. The Gardai's reaction certainly won't be to ask why you're involved with these people so don't worry about that. They have to do their job and deal with threatening behaviour, no matter how it originated.

Thanks for the advice. I felt like going there (Garda Station) the last night she attacked me (the bouncers in the club were actually afraid to intervene even after I'd politely asked them to drag her off my eeency weeeenncy friend whose hair she was pulling and head she was thumping - the bouncer went pale and nearly wet his pants!!! Hopeless!) but then I thought better and headed home, the thought crossed my mind again the next day but I put that thought away again too. Maybe I should be documenting it legally or with the guards. What worries me, is, if I end up being murdered and I haven't documented any threatening behaviour from her or him to the gardai, then they'll have nothing to go on...no back-up evidence as such and the case might go unsolved, which would be awful on my family and little girl. He's also threatened to kill me - from prison (I still have the text - and believe me, he's well capable! As are his associates)

And whoever the solicitor is that you went to, he doesn't sound like any solicitor I've ever heard of - telling you to not take it any further, not to take it to their level by going to court (?). That's absolutely ridiculous.

I don't know about that. I really respected his opinion. He gave some really good advice, spoke to me for about an hour and didn't charge me a penny. He was very sympathethic and seemed to be looking at the situation from my daughter's point of view, which I liked. He knows the people involved (small town) He knows what they are capable of (which isn't pretty) and involed in. He knows the non-respect they have for the law and he knows that they have shown, without getting into detail, little respect for life in the past, and absolutely no remorse for pretty serious crimes comitted. I suppose he could imagine (like I could) their reaction to bringing any sort of attention to them, not least more of the gardais attention which they pretty much have already 24/7. It might not only be her I rile, but his associates, and they are the kind of people I do not want to anger (as it is now, they know I'm telling the truth and have moved up and on, so they have nothing against me......but the minute I'd involve the gardai or courts or solicitor, I'd imagine their view of me would change and that could be a very dangerous situation to be in) Basically, I think the solicitor, knowing exactly who is involved, and their capabilities, knew my life wouldn't be worth living if I involved the gardai.....so that's prob where his advice was coming from.

Thanks to everyone who replied. Yeah, I am scared, scared for myself, but mainly for my daughter, for her future, and for her innocence. Maybe we will move away to another town, down the road sometime, but for now, I suppose, all I can do is try to avoid her and not go out so much, or just go to my local and weekends away. It's hard not to let her dictate my social life to be honest, it's not worth risking my life or my daughter's future for some fun in a club, can you imagine? My daughter would never forgive me if she knew that I knew this girl wanted me dead but I still went out, asking for it....and got beat to death.....but I genuinely wish "yer wan" would just fall off the face of the earth to be honest, or at least follow himself out of the country, that would be nice! Two hopes.....

Dragan

I gotta be honest and say you have kind of made this bed so now you have to lie in it.

There were more than a few lies from your side, so expecting to be believed now is pointless.

I suggest you just keep the head down and get on with your life, try and have your child go to a different school and play things by ear. Report any incidents that occur as they occur, get witnesses for anyting that happens in public and go from there.

LouOB

There is no point arguing with a fool as people wont know the difference
Plus it doesnt sound like she has the brain cells to conduct a normal conversation

Best - ignore her and she will get bored

LegacyUser

Dragan wrote: »

There were more than a few lies from your side, so expecting to be believed now is pointless.

Dragon, I'm well aware that I made my own bed thank you very much and really and truly, I'm at my wits end, I've admitted to being wrong in the past and making mistakes. I didn't come on here for a lecture or an "I told you so" or a "if you lie down with dogs...." attitude. I've tormented myself for long enough with all these thoughts. I'm the first to hold my hands up and say I've done stupid stupid things in the past, but i'm talking about the present and wondering is there anything I should/could do etc I was looking for advice on how to deal with the current situation and not on how to beat myself up about previous mistakes.

I lied initially to protect myself and my daughter as this man is dangerous and unpredictable, especially when it comes to children or girls who are pregnant with his children.....anyone I've spoken to who knows him and who I initially lied to, agrees it was the best thing to do at the time, and they also trust me 100% as I am to be trusted and am not a liar...but this girl who is bullying me knows nothing of this lie and anyone I lied to completely understood why I did it. It was a hard but I believe, a good decision to lie in the circumstances, while I was carrying a child I wanted to nurture. The stress of what might have been if I'd told the truth, could well have caused me to miscarry or worse.

Neither he nor she know that I lied initially so why would you say I shouldn't expect to be believed now?? I don't know what you are trying to get at here. Neither does she know that I lied to protect him, and said I only slept with him one, she believes I never slept with him at all. I am not a liar, everyone who knows me, knows I am not and believes the truth. He knows I have never lied. He knows the truth, he has admitted this to me and told me why he is lying to her aswell....because she will take his daughter away if he doesn't....and the only reason this girl thinks I'm a liar is because he has her convinced that I am actually lying that he is my child's father.....I don't know why you say "expecting to be believed now is pointless" You make is sound like the boy who cried wolf. You make it sound as if I've thrown 10 different stories around about who my daughter is, lying my way through her early years and it couldn't be further from the truth. I'm probably one of the most honest and decent-living people I know and I take great offence at your outlook on my situation. I've never wanted to cause trouble for anyone, I knew they were apart for a good long spell while I was seeing him, I didn't realise he would deny it all and make me out to be a lying weirdo.....I seriously thought he'd at least admit it, possibly not want anything to do with her, and then we could all move on. I merely want to get on with my life, in peace and away from these people, but it's hard when I see her menacing face most days etc.....

This mans own family know I am not lying about who my daughter's father is, everyone does, except his girlfriend. I think this may be, because she wants to believe him, rather than she does believe him. Friends of his have said to me "sure everyone knows he's a liar, she's just a dope for him" etc so I am not a liar, will never be viewed as a liar, and will not be branded one now! His own sister (my childs aunt) said to me "Believe me, we all (their family) know you're telling the truth as, even though he is my brother, I know if you had a choice, you wouldn't have him as a father to your baby, because he is a scumbag"

She also said that her, and her mother and sisters (who are, strangely enough, very decent people) would love to be a part of my daughters life but can't over-step the mark with him as he's so volatile and unpredictale (continuously talks about and cometimes attempts suicide or attacks loved ones etc) etc etc. I was happy with that, as much as I don't want to deny my child contact with relatives, as I've said before, I don't want to stir trouble in anyones life...but I won't lie about where she came from, is that so wrong??

A girl once said to me that I should have lied from day one and never spoken the truth as life would be so much easier....she may have been right but I would have felt so guilty and I couldn't have coped with not being truthful to my daughter or about my daughter.

Phew there I go again - this is like therapy - seriously, I haven't really thought so much about this subject in a long long time....I should print out this thread, read it once more, have a burning ceremony and move on with my head held high, putting all these thoughts, worries, and fears behind me!

There's my self-prescribed antidote anyways

Oh I forgot to mention that he got my phone number last year and began texing me form prison, he was sending me revolting pictures of himself and asking me for photos etc.....I was nice to him at first, I don't need a person like him on my back, and it was christmas, so I was in the christmas spirit, stupidly.....obviously I didn't oblige with the pictures though. He never wanted to talk about my little one, only to say that he knew she was his, that his gf was a tramp and he was going to kidnap their child and move to england when he got out and the only reason he coudn't tell her the truth about my child was because she'd take the child and leave him. One night, while I was at a party over christmas, he sent a ROTTEN video of himself to me. I was disgusted at first but ended up roaring laughing coz he's a bloody sick twat!!! So my then boyfriend wanted to see it and I showed him. He showed his friend who in turn, told the girlfriend a few days later what he'd seen (again....small town). A week later they had a row in the prison visiting room (I hear these things..) He hit her (black eye) and the child (bottle in the head and cut!!) and the next week he was found hanging in his cell (so I hear....) He survived, they found him too soon.

To be honest, reading back over the above paragraph, myself and my daughter are actually 100% better off that this messed up man has denied he's her father. I just wish that his girlfriend didn't think I wanted him and didn't live/work/breath so close to me day in day out. I wish somehow I could tell her the truth, but as above, I don't think she wants to hear it or would even hear what I was trying to say to her. Yeah, there's alot to be weary of, there's alot of history there but all I can do is move on....


I'm sure you've all dozed off by now - if not, thanks for reading my rambling mess once more

neuro-praxis

Ok, this suggestion is going to sound off the wall, but it might be worth a try.

What about trying to get this woman on your side? I understand that she is a thug but even thugs can respond to a bit of warmth and understanding. I don't doubt she has become this hard as a result of growing up in a hard family and getting knocked about. I'm not excusing her crazy behaviour, but it isn't like you have an armload of options here.

What about approaching her in a public place and inviting her round to your house for a drink/meal to talk? Be sincere and calm. She may well throw it back in your face but she may not. If she agrees, arrange for one or two strong male family members to be in your house while she is there, perhaps upstairs or in the kitchen, with your daughter. That way if she gets out of hand, they are there on guard.

You might be able to come totally clean with her. You would have to be willing to forgive her for the awful behaviour so far, and ask her to forgive you for your lies. This would involve a large slice of humble pie on your part. There is no need for you to become best friends or anything, but it might be a chance to clear the air and get her to see you are not a threat to her (which is what all this is about). Getting her on your side means you will not be in a position where you are afraid of her anymore. If you are going to be in the same town for the next 10 years or more, you might as well get along.

LegacyUser

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Ok, this suggestion is going to sound off the wall, but it might be worth a try.

What about trying to get this woman on your side? I understand that she is a thug but even thugs can respond to a bit of warmth and understanding. I don't doubt she has become this hard as a result of growing up in a hard family and getting knocked about. I'm not excusing her crazy behaviour, but it isn't like you have an armload of options here.

What about approaching her in a public place and inviting her round to your house for a drink/meal to talk? Be sincere and calm. She may well throw it back in your face but she may not. If she agrees, arrange for one or two strong male family members to be in your house while she is there, perhaps upstairs or in the kitchen, with your daughter. That way if she gets out of hand, they are there on guard.

You might be able to come totally clean with her. You would have to be willing to forgive her for the awful behaviour so far, and ask her to forgive you for your lies. This would involve a large slice of humble pie on your part. There is no need for you to become best friends or anything, but it might be a chance to clear the air and get her to see you are not a threat to her (which is what all this is about). Getting her on your side means you will not be in a position where you are afraid of her anymore. If you are going to be in the same town for the next 10 years or more, you might as well get along.

Thanks for replying. You know, you could be onto something. Our paths have always crossed in the past and we never saw eye to eye and she's a nasty piece of work. But...I'd love to get sitting down and talking to her, with no drink or children in the room and admit that I was wrong to lie but also tell her the whole truth and explain that I really and truly don't want him to be a part of my or my daughters life...........I just don't think she wants to know, I think she secretly would LIKE me to want her man (no-one else does, not even his own family) and enjoys this behaviour.....but the idea has been taken on board, thanks. My best friend (who kows everyone involved and was always there when I was in relationship with this guy) is dying for this girl to approach her on the street some day, because she knows this girl won't attack her, doesn't hate her etc but will most probably approach her....and she really wants the truth to come out and believes the truth would help everyones situation (except his of course, but he's not even in the country and to be honest, I don't care about his situation)

Karen_*

OP you're a very detailed and lengthy writer! Its kind of hard to keep up and follow the posts and not get mixed up and confused about the events!:)

Can you ask your friend who she likes to approach her for you and build bridges?