Excellent relationship... except for the sexual side. Please help.

LegacyUser

I hope this gets posted, as it's a sexual personal issue, but a lot of our relationship might depend on it. I was speaking with my boyfriend last night about sex. We've been together 7 months. He admitted before that he feels bad sometimes if I don't orgasm. i assured him that I still enjoy myself lots every time. But he still feels bad about it . Since then, the frequency of my orgasms has dropped even more.

He tends to do most of the work too... if I go on top for instance, he usually ends up being hurt, due to angle/speed. The negativity in me said last night, 'maybe we're just not sexually compatible'. And he said 'it's fine hun'. Then I said, why should he settle for 'fine', when in my opinion sex should be excellent. Then he changed 'fine' to 'it's great'. Hmm. I don't know what to do!. Now I believe that he thinks sex is only mediocre. That's made me quite insecure, thinking how can a guy be satisfied with non-excellent sex. I've never gotten on so well with anyone before, or liked someone so much. I don't want to lose him. And guys, if you were crazy about a girl and during sex, it felt like you had to do most of the work, could you still love her/ what would you do? Any suggestions or opinions are welcome.

SpookyDoll

The frequency of your orgasms has dropped since the conversation last night, I dont understand.....

Im not sure how he has to do most the work for your orgasm though....?

And how is it hurting him for you to go on top?

TheDriver

because excellent relationships are built on excellent sex????? Cop on and talk about it and don't make negative comments coz that will getnowhere. If ye are great together, talk openly and work on it.

Money Shot

wishingthingsok wrote: »

I hope this gets posted, as it's a sexual personal issue, but a lot of our relationship might depend on it. I was speaking with my boyfriend last night about sex. We've been together 7 months. He admitted before that he feels bad sometimes if I don't orgasm. i assured him that I still enjoy myself lots every time. But he still feels bad about it . Since then, the frequency of my orgasms has dropped even more.

He tends to do most of the work too... if I go on top for instance, he usually ends up being hurt, due to angle/speed. The negativity in me said last night, 'maybe we're just not sexually compatible'. And he said 'it's fine hun'. Then I said, why should he settle for 'fine', when in my opinion sex should be excellent. Then he changed 'fine' to 'it's great'. Hmm. I don't know what to do!. Now I believe that he thinks sex is only mediocre. That's made me quite insecure, thinking how can a guy be satisfied with non-excellent sex. I've never gotten on so well with anyone before, or liked someone so much. I don't want to lose him. And guys, if you were crazy about a girl and during sex, it felt like you had to do most of the work, could you still love her/ what would you do? Any suggestions or opinions are welcome.

Looks like you are making a huge effort and understand how important it is for both of you to enjoy it. Most women just don't make any effort at all after a certain lenght of time, so he is happy that you still fancy him, care and are trying to improve.
He's not in a bad situation. Most men consider it a huge problem when the women is constantly rejecting them and showing no interest in their sex life. He is happy that you care and I'm sure he is still enjoying it.

LegacyUser

To answer the questions asked. Sorry, I can see how the first part is confusing. When I said 'He admitted before that he feels bad sometimes if I don't orgasm.' My orgasm rate has dropped more. That was a couple of weeks ago. When we were talking last night, it was about being sexually compatible+ me being a bit negative, hence why I posted today.

I know all excellent relationships are not always based on sex, but I've seen friends- one particular couple, who are all over each other all the time and always going on about how amazing the sex is. I guess I'm afraid that my boyfriend will get bored, if he things sex is only 'fine'.

When I said he 'has to do the most work'. I mean physically. For instance, if he's on top, he's exerting much more energy and I wish I could do more, instead of feeling like I'm just lying there. If I go on top and any speed is picked up... erm, if we more even slightly out of sync, that can be pretty nasty for a guy if you know what I mean.

Just typing this and looking at the replies I realize now I need to be more positive. Thanks

themullet

Hey OP, I think that your boyfriend wouldn't really care who does all the work. I would say to you however, that it is important that you initiate your fair share. I am fella, and nothing annoys me more than a girl who is lazy and won't initiate. After the initiation, I don't really care who does the work to be honest. Vary the sex though. You can still try other positions that might be easier for you both. Or give him oral once in a while. I think if you keep a bit of variety, you don't have anything to worry about.

Jimmy Bottlehead

As long as you put in effort, he should appreciate it. But it sounds like you're not really pushed on sex... speaking from experience, enthusiasm is a huge turn on and vice versa, a girl who just goes through the motions make you feel like you're not attractive.

Talliesin

wishingthingsok wrote: »

When I said he 'has to do the most work'. I mean physically. For instance, if he's on top, he's exerting much more energy and I wish I could do more, instead of feeling like I'm just lying there. If I go on top and any speed is picked up... erm, if we more even slightly out of sync, that can be pretty nasty for a guy if you know what I mean.

Well, some people do like doing a lot of the work (I do), but why do either of you have to be on top for all of it. You can be side by side exploring each other's bodies. You can be on top doing things other than intercourse than then the above issue isn't going to be a problem.

Jack B. Badd

wishingthingsok wrote: »

why should he settle for 'fine'

What are you settling for? Why does your post revolve solely around what your boyfriend is getting from your joint sex life?

AngryBadger

re; your bf feeling bad if you don't orgasm; for a lot of guys sex is to a large extent focused on the orgasm, hence if someone's not having one, they mustn't be enjoying sex. This is all fine and dandy if a guy is not in a relationship, but when a guy is involved with someone who frequently doesn't orgasm it can become an issue because the guy will inevitably entertain thoughts like "What am I doing wrong that my gf doesn't orgasm". Part of this is down to the fact that we often underestimate the complexity of female sexuality in general, so some guys will be thinking "I'm inside her, so why isn't she having an orgasm?", whereas many guys will ejaculate from this alone, many women require a much higher degree/diversity of stimulation than men. Obviously in that instance a guy may feel inadequate. part of it is that we often have difficulty understanding how someone can find sex enjoyable if they don't orgasm.

The second key point is that sex in a relationship is very different to sex with a casual partner. The major consequence is that sex tends to be MUCH better in a healthy relationship, but this doesn't necessarily mean more orgasms. Which is, again, kind of in conflict with how a lot of guys see sex. i.e. "She says this sex is the best she's ever had...but she still doesn't orgasm".

So your bf has a two-fold problem. From the sounds of it he wants to give you the same amaazing feeling you give him when he climaxes, and at the same time he's probably feeling somewhat inadequate at his failure to do so every time you're intimate with each other.

I would suggest that you consider how typical it is for you not to orgasm during sex, and why this might be. In other words, have you experienced a higher frequency of orgasm with other partners? If you have, what was different? Did they use a different technique, did they vary positions more, did there tend to be more foreplay? Basically you need to figure out what takes you to the brink of orgasm, and then share that with your bf.

Also, and i don't mean this to sound hugely critical since I don't think this was your intent, but maybe you could exercise more sensitivity when discussing this in the future. Whatever your bf is thinking, I'd bet good money he's feeling somewhat inadequate about this, and you making negative comments and describing yourselves as "sexually incompatible", well that's like a guy telling his gf that yes she does look fat in that dress, in fact she looks fat in EVERY dress.

So to recap, do some thinking yourself, if you have orgasmed more in the past, try to figure out why, if you've never had a high frequency of orgasm, try to figure out why. Discuss this with your bf, suggest things that feel good to you and which may therefore bring you closer to orgasm. And try to show more tact in your discussions with him, I'm not saying you have to lie about your feelings, but it's very possible to communicate to a partner what you're feeling without making them feel like crap, it just takes some effort.

One last thing, I may be completely jumping the shark here, but from yoru posts I get the impression that you're not massively confident/comfortable yourself when it comes to sex? If I'm wrong I apologise, but if I'm right then this is going to have a very direct, very negative effect on your ability to orgasm. It would definitely be worth looking at this, and maybe reviewing your attitude toward sex. In that area there are many more people on here better "qualified" to help you than I am.

Best of luck OP!

seanybiker

sounds a bit horrible but would ya not fake one or two just to get his confidance back up. Im sure when he is doing it now ie is thinking about it to much

Marksie

Nice post angrybadger

wishingthingsok wrote: »

I hope this gets posted, as it's a sexual personal issue, but a lot of our relationship might depend on it. I was speaking with my boyfriend last night about sex. We've been together 7 months. He admitted before that he feels bad sometimes if I don't orgasm. i assured him that I still enjoy myself lots every time. But he still feels bad about it . Since then, the frequency of my orgasms has dropped even more.

Being orgasm oriented is what men have been led to believe. Its when they move beyond that that orgasms become more frequent. Its not a matter of A, B, C will produce an orgasm. Thast for the porn movies and sniggery conversations in pubs.
Awareness, connection and communication are the keys.

wishingthingsok wrote: »

He tends to do most of the work too... if I go on top for instance, he usually ends up being hurt, due to angle/speed.

Why should it be about work? It seems that you have focussed on penetration. Look and think about what talleisin said.

Do you not change your angle and speed knowing this? Do you not communicate on what feels good and what doesn't , what does it and what you need in "foreplay".

wishingthingsok wrote: »

The negativity in me said last night, 'maybe we're just not sexually compatible'. And he said 'it's fine hun'. Then I said, why should he settle for 'fine', when in my opinion sex should be excellent. Then he changed 'fine' to 'it's great'. Hmm. I don't know what to do!. Now I believe that he thinks sex is only mediocre. .

Well now, 101 class on how to not approach things. Classic way of increasing his anxiety.
While he is inseure about his performance. you have juts heightened that by saying that in your views sex should be excellent.

Guess what, even for the most experienced, it isn't always excellent.

This is comeing down to a communication issues all through...

wishingthingsok wrote: »

That's made me quite insecure, thinking how can a guy be satisfied with non-excellent sex. .

Yes you were quite insecure before TBH and so was your OH. You can add to that now.

wishingthingsok wrote: »

I've never gotten on so well with anyone before, or liked someone so much. I don't want to lose him. And guys, if you were crazy about a girl and during sex, it felt like you had to do most of the work, could you still love her/ what would you do? Any suggestions or opinions are welcome.

yet you still cannot communicate openly???

Go back and look at both of your preconceptions towards sex. His as the man who muts always know, and yours as the same and at your own issues.

Learn to communicate and move away from penetrative sex.
ANT couple wo talk about having a great sex life will be beyond that stage theyw will know all their partners zones and will be fluid and flexible enough to change and adapt during lovemaking.

I say again its not WORK. Its a mutual process with me. I may appear to be making the moves but its is a two way thing based on communication, and understanding, building the arousal and being fully aware. My partner will take over when its right and then it will switch back again.
But at all times we are fully aware and able to adapt and change and even simple stop and relax.

So if I were you I would go back to learning the basics first about who YOU are then bring your partner into it.
Levae the negativity at the bedroom door.

seanybiker wrote: »

sounds a bit horrible but would ya not fake one or two just to get his confidance back up. Im sure when he is doing it now ie is thinking about it to much

Do not undre any circumstances do this, it is simply storing up problems.

If he belives that doing x, y, z works, he will continue doing it.
If then it doesnt work he will be confused. If then you say you were faking it he will be devastated.
It is silly advice.

better to say. Ok we are not going for orgasm, we are going for exploration and finding out what really feels nice and i will then tell you and you tell me