Fallout from Partner's Affair

LegacyUser

Partner had affair which left me devastated. Lies, betrayal, deceit, shame, humiliation, hurt, disregard and emotional abuse (ie put downs to justify affair) almost destroyed me. Others in our social circle knew about it and said nothing(not judging them just stating facts). Partner & OP started socialising with our joint friends as if I did not even exist, almost immediately. I have not socialised with this group very often and when I did it was with my knowledge that they were not going to be there. Ex partner continues to be cruel & mean in discussions (not face to face) about resolving financial issues.
I have made much progress in my recovery process.
There is a Celebration event this weekend for one of our common friends in a public bar and I am determined to attend. I feel I am finally able, but am also anxious about how it all pans out. I don't plan on communicating with them and plan to avoid them and treat them as invisible. I am conscious of not making a scene or of taking away from our friend's celebration. Everyone knows the situation and I will feel observed which will make me feel uncomfortable.
Any helpful feedback, comments or encouragement would be appreciated.

Karen_*

Well I don't think you should go. The recovery process can be greatly set back by this night and you've already said that you're uncomfortable and anxious. Therefore you may not be ready and you may never be ready. Its entirely possible to change your social circle. Don't willingly expose yourself to pain. You simply don't have to. Might be more of an acheivement to stay home and not care what people are thinking when they see you not attending. They'll probably think you've something better to do and can't be bothered.

NabyLadistheman

Go there with your head held high. Let them observe you - you've moved on. Let them see how strong you are despite everythin thats happened. Bite yoour lip if you have to but don't shy away from them either. Your strong minded and after such a cruel experiance it's a testiment to yoiu that your going to face it all head on. Best of luck, I salute you!

Rev Hellfire

I totally disagree, you should get out there no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel. Quite simply you should not alter to your actions to suit your ex-partner. Let them alter their actions to suit you.

As you stated yourself you can simply avoid them and if forced to communicate short polite answer to questions which close conversation will suffice. If you're worried about socialising then bring a friend.

Scoobydoobydoo

Firstly, if you think you're really not able, don't go, there's no shame in that, and anyone would understand. But if you think you could go for it, I would go, with a big smile on, put on the act as though you're happy, and be friendly if they walk by, even if you're dying inside - their heads will be spinning! If your emotions are getting the better of you, nip to the loo, compose yourself, then make your excuses to your friend, that you've an upset stomach or something and need to get home. At least you'll have made an appearance, a sham though it may be. Only if you feel you need to go, and feel able, it's going to be tough.

carlybabe1

Firstly, DO NOT drink, just imagine how you'd feel the next day if anything kicked off :eek::eek::o you wouldnt need that to contend with....and honestly, id only advise you to go if you're really feeling great, but it doesn't sound that way from your post...its up to you, but id think about it a bit longer if i were you
let us know how u get on

LegacyUser

I think I am able for this. Of course I have feelings of anxiety etc but I believe I can contain them. I will be bringing a support person for me (who knows the ins and outs and who is friendly and sociable). If they behave in a provocative way (ie all over each other)I will just leave.

xzanti

carlybabe1 wrote: »

Firstly, DO NOT drink, just imagine how you'd feel the next day if anything kicked off :eek::eek::o you wouldnt need that to contend with....and honestly, id only advise you to go if you're really feeling great, but it doesn't sound that way from your post...its up to you, but id think about it a bit longer if i were you
let us know how u get on

I'd agree with the not drinking thing.. Might be an idea even just to go and show your face and if you find it's too much, simply slip out early, tell them you have another doo on somewhere else and your night is only beginning, demanding social life these days etc etc... Good luck with it.. Pretty sh1tty thing to have to deal with..

themadchef

Firstly...GO!

Get your hair done, nails done, wear the killer heels, the dress that your mother told you never to wear...and work it like it's paid for .

Walk in there knowing you are a better person for the "loss" of that relationship. Any lying and cheating that was done was not done by you, yet you are the one that's feeling like sh*t.

Life goes on, people who you think "knew", may only have suspected and didint want to hurt you....hoped they were wrong. I'm speaking from experience when i tell you time heals, but importantly, you have to address yourself, know that you are not him, and you are the better person.

Be proud of who you are and what you stand for....and sister... knock em dead

...Hope this friend youre bringing is male and looks like something out of the Chippendales...wouldint hurt!

Money Shot

Disregarded wrote: »

Partner had affair which left me devastated. Lies, betrayal, deceit, shame, humiliation, hurt, disregard and emotional abuse (ie put downs to justify affair) almost destroyed me. Others in our social circle knew about it and said nothing(not judging them just stating facts). Partner & OP started socialising with our joint friends as if I did not even exist, almost immediately. I have not socialised with this group very often and when I did it was with my knowledge that they were not going to be there. Ex partner continues to be cruel & mean in discussions (not face to face) about resolving financial issues.
I have made much progress in my recovery process.
There is a Celebration event this weekend for one of our common friends in a public bar and I am determined to attend. I feel I am finally able, but am also anxious about how it all pans out. I don't plan on communicating with them and plan to avoid them and treat them as invisible. I am conscious of not making a scene or of taking away from our friend's celebration. Everyone knows the situation and I will feel observed which will make me feel uncomfortable.
Any helpful feedback, comments or encouragement would be appreciated.

It's hard to give advice when you are only hearing one side of the story. You just sound like you're still angry with him. He may have betrayed you, which is terrible, but sometimes there are mitigating circumstances. Do you know why he had an affair - you call them put downs, but he may have been trying to explain, and he may have felt he'd made all reasonable efforts ? Just throwing it out there - you may need to understand why he done it properly before you can move on.


If you're going to your 'Friends' celebration, then you should respect that and ensure you don't put yourself in a situation where you ruin her night. Oh yeah, and someone said avoid drink - great idea.

kmick

I think I agree with the not drinking thing. Also maybe don't stay for too long. Ignoring your ex may be difficult and it might help with your own recovery if you were civil to him and acknowledged his presence without leaving yourself open to any abuse by him.

Id go but I would not expect it to be overly pleasant. Could you bring a friend for moral support?

Movershaker

My gut tells me you're not ready for this. I don't think your main motive in attending this event is to celebrate with your friend.

If you are truly going to move on I think you need to knock it on the head. Unfortunately 'common' friends often fall by the wayside after a separation like this and from what you've said it doesn't sound like yours are going to last the distance. Maybe you should cut your losses now.

SpookyDoll

Movershaker wrote: »

My gut tells me you're not ready for this. I don't think your main motive in attending this event is to celebrate with your friend.

If you are truly going to move on I think you need to knock it on the head. Unfortunately 'common' friends often fall by the wayside after a separation like this and from what you've said it doesn't sound like yours are going to last the distance. Maybe you should cut your losses now.

Im kinda inclined to agree with this. It doesn't sound like the mutual friends took too much interest in your situation. They said nothing about the affair and they socialised with the "new couple" which indicates they might be closer to him than you.

You might think you can go and orchestrate it so that everyone is aware that you have moved on and are not bothered any more, but going there and there being an atmosphere between yourself and the ex and his new girlfriend may just make you feel uncomfortable and thus the whole thing could backfire on you.

Do these "friends" really care about you at all? Are you simply motivated by "showing them" that you are ok.......?

It sounds to me like you do still care about it all and its possible if you go along you could end up messing it up and making things worse for yourself.

What if everyone is all relaxed and talking amongst themselves and you are ignored and at a loose end?

Would you not be better to concentrate on making some new friends of your own and avoiding this lot altogether?

Movershaker

SpookyDoll wrote: »

Would you not be better to concentrate on making some new friends of your own and avoiding this lot altogether?

Agree. I think you're delaying the inevitable if not.

You would make a bigger impact by not going. Personally I would rather they got the impression that you couldn't be bothered associating yourself with them. Why not fabricate another event and tell the appropriate people that you will be attending that instead? With a bit of luck it will get back to your ex and he'll probably be put out that he doesn't get to show you up as the pathetic ex-wife. Why bother clinging on to a relationship with these people? You're not doing yourself any favours.

Sorry to put a negative slant on this, I just think it's a bad idea and it certainly won't do much to improve your progress.

LegacyUser

Money shot I agree there are always 2 sides of the story. But I feel patrinised when you say there may have been mitigating circumstances and asking if I knew why the affair occurred. The bottom line is I was lied to and the affair was denied. If I was told the truth I would have ended it sooner. Their lack of courage and character caused me extensive hurt. Others knew because the OP told her friends who told my friends. No one wanted to get involved and I respect their choice even though I personally would tell a friend if I knew for a fact that their partner was having an affair.

Of course I am still angry and the ongoing disrespect does not help, but I can manage my angry feelings.

As for the put downs believe me when I say they were petty put downs. I know what the real issues were in our relationship and am accepting of them. Making all reasonable efforts does not involve putting your partner down, while lying about an affair.

I have met some of our common friends individually or in small groups but not all together in a public setting. I have been told I have a lot of support out there.

The person whom the celebration is for is a close friend.