Workaholic boyfriend

LegacyUser

Hi guys, going unregistered for this one.

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now. He works in a well known chain about an hour away from the town where we live. He had to start at the bottom level after losing his previous job, so he's working his way up. He works shifts... if he has the morning shift he has to leave his house at half six, and the latest shift means he gets home after eleven. We usually see each other twice a week. Sometimes I get to stay over, but other times I have to go back home around nine if he has the early shift. Now, I understand that he has to work these hours, he can't change them, and he wants to move up to a higher position so he is trying to make a good impression. We have a lot of fights because I really feel like they are taking advantage of him. It is quite rare for him to get two days off a week, and half the time they ring him on his days off to ask him to go in, or else he'll work double shifts. He says he can't book holidays (even a few days off) because they are understaffed. God knows how many hours he works in a week. I've given up trying to make plans with him, because more often then not I'll get a text saying 'don't be mad, but I have to go into work'. He doesn't understand how bad it feels to be let down again and again. Do ye think I'm being unreasonable, or is it fair to want to spend time with my boyfriend?

Marksie

It is about work life balance to be sure and yes he is working waaay to hard and being taken advantage of.

Now you are not being unreasonable about wanting to spend time with him.

But look at it this way.

There is quite a bit of psychology associated with losing a job, and that can transfer to starting a new one..... for example even a fear of losing that as well....so a feeling he simply HAS to do everything he can when asked.
(seem to recall its in the top 4 of most stressful things to have happen, someone can correct me)

Dont have an argument, but sit down and talk, see why he is doing this. Not what the bosses are saying, but why he feels he has to

unhappycamper

A mate of mine had the same issue with his girlfriend, she was being made work 24/7 managing a well known clothing chain, she quit. There is your answer.

LegacyUser

Thanks Marksie, thats a good point about the psychology of it. I think he really doesn't like saying no to them. We've talked it over so many times. He says he is only doing it for the money, and while I know things have been pretty tight for him lately, he still needs time off. He's lost weight, some days he hardly eats anything, maybe just a sandwich.

We had a major fight last week, because I hadn't seen him in about a week, and since he was working the early shift he was gonna pick me up after work and we were gonna get chinese and a dvd (not much of an evening I know, but he's always tired so thats the best I get). I was looking forward to it all day, getting butterflies in my stomach thinking about seeing him, and he texts me 'sorry, don't be mad but I have to go to one of the other stores when i'm finished here because there is some problem'. Apparently the district manager rang him herself to ask him to go (yet didn't even tell him what the actual problem was!). So that ended up being about a 14 hour day. I was so angry with him... but then he turned it around, saying I always want my own way, and the world doesn't revolve around me, and ended up breaking up with me (we got back together a few days later). I'm just fed up of this:(

Marksie

I am sorry to hear that and can see both sides of the story here.
Perhaps if you bring up the possibility of him looking for another job it may leap you out of the impasse you are both in.

Its not pleasant at the moment and there is a lot of uncertainty, but if he does undertake to start looking then it may help a little

you could try the a[pproach of his physical and meantl wellbeing.

he is stressed and reacting badly to you in what he said later.
I belive deep down he knows its not sustainable in the longterm.

LegacyUser

Sounds like he's letting himself be walked over.

I know no-one who can't take 2 days off in a row. What money would he lose to go away with you for a weekend down West and what would the cost be to head off.

It's a matter of priorities.

All he has to do is say: "I will be off on these 4 days - I am going away for the weekend". They'll get someone else to fill in for him when he's away. That's what happens in most workplaces.

If he doesn't say "no" they'll know who to call every time.

MugMugs

There are 168 hours in a week

You should sleep for 56 of these, work for 40 of these and commute for 3 of these.

That gives you 69 (nice) hours of absolute freedom ! No if's buts or maybes.

I used to be your boyfriend (not your actual BF but like him) and it clicked with me a while back.... Why bother. If you work just as hard 40 hours a week then why bother staying until 9pm at night start at 7am in the morning.

There is no point to it. Your too long dead !!!!

Your BF needs to appreciate that in ten years time he will look back at life, be in the same walked all over position and have no happy fond memories of his younger days and if he keeps going the way he is, he wont have you either.

You sound like a decent reasonable nice person. If your bloke wont see some sense and calm things down a bit then he isnt the guy for you

wasper

Quick_Question wrote: »

Hi guys, going unregistered for this one.

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now. He works in a well known chain about an hour away from the town where we live. He had to start at the bottom level after losing his previous job, so he's working his way up. He works shifts... if he has the morning shift he has to leave his house at half six, and the latest shift means he gets home after eleven. We usually see each other twice a week. Sometimes I get to stay over, but other times I have to go back home around nine if he has the early shift. Now, I understand that he has to work these hours, he can't change them, and he wants to move up to a higher position so he is trying to make a good impression. We have a lot of fights because I really feel like they are taking advantage of him. It is quite rare for him to get two days off a week, and half the time they ring him on his days off to ask him to go in, or else he'll work double shifts. He says he can't book holidays (even a few days off) because they are understaffed. God knows how many hours he works in a week. I've given up trying to make plans with him, because more often then not I'll get a text saying 'don't be mad, but I have to go into work'. He doesn't understand how bad it feels to be let down again and again. Do ye think I'm being unreasonable, or is it fair to want to spend time with my boyfriend?

It's bad enough that he is under pressure to impress his new employer. The market is becoming an employer market. And to go home to hear your nagging. If you are not happy with the situation leave him & find someone who has more time to give you.

decies

wasper wrote: »

It's bad enough that he is under pressure to impress his new employer. The market is becoming an employer market. And to go home to hear your nagging. If you are not happy with the situation leave him & find someone who has more time to give you.

Correct couldnt agree more nothing worse than a nagging woman,the jobs market is very scarey at the moment,the last thing anybody needs is to be listening to moaning and groaning.Do you love the man or not,you probably do but thats not enough for you is it?

von Neumann

Hi Op,

I think your going to have to meet him halfway on this,

Why does he feel under pressure? what finanical commetments does he have?

Does he fear being seen as a failure (we all do!, men in particular)........maybe some helpfull reasurance is needed.

Remind him what he as going for him, his x number of year experience, his education, a bit of ego rubbing my give him the kick start to look for something better or the confidence to stand up for himself where he is.

But what ever you do don't pressure him, it'll only make him feel worse......I know your only trying to help.

Wagon

He's being taken advantage of. That much is clear. He's also just trying to prove to himself that he's able to handle a job and not lose it, but he's going very much the wrong way about it. Have you tried talking to his mates? Or his parents? Might not be much but if you all get together and say "sort yourself out there now" (or somewhat more direct words), then he might come around.

jdivision

If he works for aldi or lidl, then it's kind of expected he does it. Not ideal but it's not just him.

the_syco

jdivision wrote: »

If he works for aldi or lidl, then it's kind of expected he does it. Not ideal but it's not just him.

OP, look around boards.ie and you'll find a few scary stories about the workload that Aldis and Lidls managers do, and how they fear getting replaced, and this was when people "had jobs". Now that people are loosing theirs, many will fear getting sacked.

bigpinkelephant

OP, I had the EXACT same thing with my ex.
He would be leaving at 5pm on a Friday evening and would have made plans with me for going out on Friday night.
He would get a call at 6 to ask him to be in at 6am on Saturday morning.
He never said "No".

I broke up with him for a week over the hours he worked and he claimed to have asked his boss for only 5 days a week but nothing changed, and he contined to drop me at a minute's notice to go to a job he hated.

It is one of the many reasons he is now my ex. Along with the fact that his friends would call me names and he would just stand there.

He just had no balls.