Hurt

Carter12

Hi all

Ive been reading for a while and this is the first time ive posted.

Ive been involved with a man the past 10 years. First as friends and now sexually for the last 4 years. Im being honest here, I was his bit on the side.

He got married recently and wants us to continue on. But I just want to get awy from him now and cant find the strength to do so. The thoughts of not having any contact with him at all is unbearable.

I know.. I sound pathetic and if I was on the outside looking in id give meself a boot.

Ive asked him to leave me alone but then I weaken and contact him and it starts up again. The last time we stopped it was 18 months before we contacted again. Id love to stsy friends but I know we cant. I just want it to be gone from my life.

Just a rant really. Theres not much i can do until i get myself some self -respect.

Thanks for listening

star-pants

I know some people will come on probably and give out about being the bit on the side. And as much as I disagree with cheating (single or not) the situation is still like a break up as such for you. He's married now as you said, and it's good that you realise you need to walk away from this. I feel sorry for you because clearly you care about him, and yet he doesn't care enough about you to be with only you.

It's going to be very very tough - as ye've known each other such a long time - but look at it from his eyes, he's got a wife AND another lady whenever he wants? that's just selfish - you need to look at it from that point. He's just getting the best of both worlds.

the only way you can get away from this is delete all contact info you have of his (i'm sure you'll remember things by heart anyway but still). Take everything that you have of his (presents etc) and put them in a box (if you can't bear to throw them out just yet). You need to give your body a mental shake - join the gym / a dance class, something new / different. Go out with your friends, concentrate on other things.

It will be hard so hard, but you need to say 'No' if he contacts you - just think 'do I want to forever be second best?' of course you don't.
As you say, build up your self respect and do yourself a service by ridding yourself of him.

Karen_*

Its a really tough situation for you to be in but you have to be hard on yourself OP. And make the break from him. When you do that you'll almost immediately get some self respect. You know you deserve better.

How did this happen if you don't mind my asking? Was he with the other girl for ten years too?

beth-lou

I think you've answered your own question.
He's using you and is being quite selfish.

Move on and get a boyfriend who will be yours and yours alone. It will be much better. Cut all contact. How much longer are you going to let him string you along?

Carter12

He was going out with my friend when I met him first and we clicked straight away. Then they split up and he took it very bad and would confide in me.

Thats when things got physical. It suited me at the time.... but its different now. I just want out. But its daily contact with txts and IMs. So its a killer trying to stop. Ive tried so many times.

Argh... somtimes I cant believe im in this situation.

star-pants

Block him from you IM's, change your mobile number if you have to - you're finding it too hard to stop on your own, so you need to do maybe drastic things like changing your number. You need to tell him to stop, if he persists, don't respond.

beth-lou

Well you're wasting your life, on what, someone who got married to someone else. He chose someone else. Come on.

You have to stop texting him. Just tell him you're not interested anymore. You are actually kind of abusing yourself in this. You're letting it happen. There are so many good guys out there. Do yourself a favour and just cut him off.

Karen_*

Carter12 wrote: »

He was going out with my friend when I met him first and we clicked straight away. Then they split up and he took it very bad and would confide in me.

Thats when things got physical. It suited me at the time.... but its different now. I just want out. But its daily contact with txts and IMs. So its a killer trying to stop. Ive tried so many times.

Argh... somtimes I cant believe im in this situation.

Is he married to your friend and is she still your friend? Carter you have to get away from him and you CAN stop all of this.

Carter12

No hes not married to my friend, and she is still me friend.

I know I have to. Just waiting for a good day to start :rolleyes:.

Its sounds like I want to stay like this. There are so many ways he can contact me other than txt. So he always seems to catch me on a bad day and then im dragged back into it.

I havent met up with him since the wedding which was 2 months ago

beth-lou

well if you've gone 2 months already then just keep going.
Why did he get married if he's been seeing someone else. He sounds like a bit of an @rsehole to be honest. A creep. Surely you know you deserve better than that???

LegacyUser

sorry but why did he marry someone else if he wants to be with you? its been 10 years if he wanted you it would have been you walking up that aisle. He has shown his hand now its up to you have a bit of respect for yourself and walk away try to piece a life together for yourself. Or stay as his bit on the side knowing he can drop you like a hot cake when he feels like upgrading again. Thats not a relationship

star-pants

beth-lou wrote: »

well if you've gone 2 months already then just keep going.
Why did he get married if he's been seeing someone else. He sounds like a bit of an @rsehole to be honest. A creep. Surely you know you deserve better than that???

Agreed...

you need to cut the ways he can contact you - block his email address, block his IM, change your mobile number, do whatever you need to to keep him out.

Carter12

Yes I do deserve better... and if he offered me more I would say no. Id never trust him.

"If a man cheats with you he will cheat on you"

Your right.. if ive gone 2 months I can carry on longer. I just want him out of my head.

Jesus i sound pathetic... Im a strong woman in everything else... I got out of an abusive marraige and raised 3 children on my own. He is my weak spot.

Hes like a drug.

beth-lou

If you got out of an abusive marraige, then yes you are strong. You are raising kids, so yes you are strong. And you can get away from this man who is abusing you too. He is not offering you anything other than the odd shag when it suits him and then a total head melt and guilt and self loathing the rest of the time. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself some time on your own and the opportunity to meet someone who is better and has so much more to offer.

Crannog

Carter12 wrote: »

Hes like a drug.

Glad you realise that you are out of control at the moment op. I wonder if you would consider getting professional help to support you until you can trust yourself to act in your own best interest? Counselling, where the counsellor is on your side, can work wonders in helping you to be strong when you feel like weakening.

The problem is that a guy like this is always going to be an option for you, because he will always take what is on offer, and you need to really believe that you are capable of better than this.

I hope that you will consider getting help. Every best wish.

MugMugs

Dump him and make sure to stop the contact. Tell his wife. You dont have to do it face to face but a letter could do it !

She deserves to know she has a cheating liar of a bloke !

towel401

Carter12 wrote: »

No hes not married to my friend, and she is still me friend.

I know I have to. Just waiting for a good day to start :rolleyes:.

Its sounds like I want to stay like this. There are so many ways he can contact me other than txt. So he always seems to catch me on a bad day and then im dragged back into it.

I havent met up with him since the wedding which was 2 months ago

buy a satellite phone and go travelling to clear your head? leaving town for a good couple of months might do the trick

but you should at least tell him that you're not interested again. this crap where you go around ignoring people is no good. there is nothing more annoying than when you don't know if someone is avoiding you or just very hard to contact for some other reason.

Carter12

Hi

Just an update. I finally finished it yesterday.

I feel very calm at the moment so hopefully ill be strong enough to get out of the situation. I also ordered that booked that was mentioned in another thread about low self-esteem.

I plan on doing some work on myself

thanks everyone x

beth-lou

Great news. It will be hard but soon you will feel better.
Glad you found the strength to put yourself first.
All the best.x