If a guy isn't able to show emotions/ feeling well....what can I do as his gf?

LegacyUser

I know this is minor compared to a lot of problems here, but any opinions would be very much appreciated. I've been going out with my boyfriend for almost a year. I love him so much. I don't want to say it out straight, as to be honest, I don't know how he feels about me and I'd be afraid of it scaring him if he doesn't feel the same.

He's not able to express emotions verbally at all. I understand that and most of the time I'm ok with it. Every now and again (such as now), I get so confused thinking if he was really that much into me, surely he'd be able to tell me/ surprise me/ do romantic things. As the start of out relationship, he used to message me alot..not so much any more.

I did try and tell him all this, but I think I just came across as a nutter!. He says he's not romantic, but he's really creative. Maybe he just isn't into me that much (although he did say he really cares about me but he's just not an affectionate guy (?) ). I don't want him to feel rubbish if that's just the way he is either. Is there anything I can do get the message across that I simply need him to do more without sounding needy?. Thank you.

MagicMarker

What exactly do you ''need'' him to do? Tell you he loves you? If he's not romantic, then he's not romantic. Fair enough if he was at one point but not anymore, but from your post he never was romantic, so why all of a sudden do you ''need'' that now?

Marksie

To an extent requiring someone to prove their feelings by expressivness when it is something they do not naturally do is, as you use the word, needing affirmation in your relationship and is therfore something which you alone are responsible for. This stems, partially, i believe from the fact you feel that you cannot express in your way and from the idea that in giving you should also have the expectation of receiving.

You should be able to do so, and should do so, without the expectation that it will necessarily be returned in the same way. But its important that you do not try to make him act contrary to his nature as it will be counterproductive.

Its therefore acceptance on both your parts, that on the one instance you accept his way of being and on the other he accepts your way.

You may indeed be more open in your emotions, all you really need to do is continue to be so.
I tend to be open and unafraid of showing my vulnerabilities. But do so without the expectation that the other will do so.
When they do and open in return then its something that is natural, spontaneous and "real". Its therefore not lip service because its expected but a genuine lowering of defenses and expression of feeling.

So in short you cannot make him do something he doesn't want to do.
All you can do is be as open as you naturally are and let it simply be and his acceptance of this aspect of yourself is part and parcel of it.

Whether he begins to open himself will be what he chooses to do, its is not a measure of his love or feelnigs for you, but more a measure of how he views himself and his own feelings.

TheZohanS

feelunloved wrote: »

he used to message me alot..not so much any more.

Sounds like something is up, have you considered sitting him down for a chat? It might be the best course of action.

Karen_*

I think he should be telling you more than just 'I care about you' after a year to be honest. And I think something in your gut is telling you things aren't right which is why you're sounding it out here.

Fair enough if he doesn't want to say he loves you but if he isn't showing it either and is pulling back then you have to ask yourself is this the relationship you want to be in.

Overature

he's a guy and we tend to bottle up are emotions, not the way girls do. the best thing you can do is be there for him and by and by he should feel comfortable confiding in you

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Part of me just wants to accept him fully with no expectations etc... but it's not always that easy. I've never met anyone I've been so into before.

Magic Marker- perhaps you're right...he never was the most romantic... but it felt like he REALLY wanted me at the start... now I'm probably craving him to be be a bit more romantic because 1. Since we've been going out, I've fallen for him more and more and he's still the same as at the begining...I thought by now he should be feeling something and at least finding his own way to let me know
2. He doesn't tell me how he feels about me (and starting a conversation by asking him if he really cares about me has never done me any good... it just comes across as an unattractive and uncool thing to do). Therefore, i need him to somehow 'show' me.

Marksie- thanks for the reply. I'm not that open with my feelings usually but with him I really want to be. But (this might sound a bit immature), I've never told anyone I loved them before because I never meant it... until now. I really want to tell him. But I would only do so if I knew it was safe to do so and that there was a chance he might feel the same. He's so vague about his feelings, I don't know whether or not to forget about the whole thing as it'll just cause too much hurt.

TheZohan- yep, I thought that initially. I asked him about it last night and he said he thought everything was fine and hadn't noticed about sending less messages etc. Wtf.

Karen_*- phew, it's not just me thinking that too then. My gut feeling is that he does care about me...possibly feel much stronger...but can never tell me. This all actually came to a head, last night, when I found out I have to go back home (another country) for a couple of months, next week. He said he'll be ok about it...never mentioned that he'd miss me etc... argh. What to do. today was his only day off between now and then and he hasn't contacted me at all.

Overature- I would be there for him, but I'm leaving the country .... and he's still got the that bottle of emotions sealed tight.

Silverfish

feelunloved wrote: »

This all actually came to a head, last night, when I found out I have to go back home (another country) for a couple of months, next week. He said he'll be ok about it...never mentioned that he'd miss me etc... argh. What to do. today was his only day off between now and then and he hasn't contacted me at all.

Alarm bells went off for me here.

You're going away for a couple of months next week, today was his only day off before you left, and he didn't contact you at all?

That is really, really not too good.

MagicMarker

Silverfish wrote: »

Alarm bells went off for me here.

You're going away for a couple of months next week, today was his only day off before you left, and he didn't contact you at all?

That is really, really not too good.

Agreed.

OP, from what you say, he seems to be content within the relationship. Seems like he's just in the routine of being with someone, that somebody could be anyone but it just so happens to be you.

I would think long and hard about this, and if i were you i'd nip it in the bud BEFORE you leave. From my point of view it doesn't look like this relationship will last, so it's best to get things on the table now, if the worst does in fact happen, then those two months away could be the best thing for you.

Marksie

feelunloved wrote: »

Marksie- thanks for the reply. I'm not that open with my feelings usually but with him I really want to be. But (this might sound a bit immature), I've never told anyone I loved them before because I never meant it... until now. I really want to tell him. But I would only do so if I knew it was safe to do so and that there was a chance he might feel the same. He's so vague about his feelings, I don't know whether or not to forget about the whole thing as it'll just cause too much hurt.

Its actually more common than you would know for a variety of reasons and my advice would have been to have taken the chance for that is what its all about, taking your chances.

BUT

Silverfish wrote: »

Alarm bells went off for me here.

You're going away for a couple of months next week, today was his only day off before you left, and he didn't contact you at all?

That is really, really not too good.

They went off for me too. That is stepping out of the realms of not being able to express emotions and into the realms of not giving a damn.

Really now, actions speak louder than words.

It had been my intention to ask what was he like on the small things between you. But i guess this is significant evidence that the issue is larger than being reserved and not being able to express emotions.

Loose Lips

OP: It sounds like you are not getting what you need from this boyfriend. He does not seem to be your 'type.' You seem to be 'like chalk and cheese.' If you need emotional reassurance and are not getting it, then time to up sticks and move on.