Should I stay?

Sincho

I'm really confused about my relationship and am hoping for some advice...

I've been married just over a year and had a bit of a realisation last night. I think me and my husband are 2 very different people who have different expectations of how our lives are gonna be. Hes a few years older than me at 30 but I feel like I've replaced his mother. He has very idealistic views of life and doesn't really seem to realise that if we're to achieve what we want (ie a family, a home and a comfortable enough life) that its going to take work. He spent most of his 20s not working and has only been working for about 2 years and while I'm ok with that he still seems to have his head in the clouds as regards the future. He thinks life is all about having fun and partying and now that hes realised his friends have settled and aren't really into that scene hes been talking about finding new friends to party with which seems ridiculous to me. I don't know if my attitude is wrong, if his attitude is wrong or if we should just be with different people.

The thing is that much as I love him and want to be with him, I know that if we weren't married I'd probably leave. But I had so many people telling me I married too young and I don't want to prove them right. I really don't want to be 'that girl that was divorced by the time she was 23'. And also I'm really afraid of how the rest of his life will be if I'm not there to keep him somewhat grounded.

And I don't know if I'd actually be ok with him not being a part of my life anymore. He's really helped me start to sort out some issues I had from the past and I know he'll always love and support me but I don't know if love is enough. I just always had a vision of my life, I wanted my children to be more financially secure that I ever was growing up and I'm just really afraid that I'll wake up in 10 years time and be as miserable as my mother was.
I just don't know what to do anymore....

Rev Hellfire

You should really be saying these things to him.
Personally I think you should issue an ultimatum to him to grown up and take responsibility for his life. If he can't do that you should leave, what happens to him after you've cut your ties is no ones business but his own.

You've one life to live and there's no point carrying useless baggage.

AngryBadger

Sincho wrote: »

The thing is that much as I love him and want to be with him, I know that if we weren't married I'd probably leave. But I had so many people telling me I married too young and I don't want to prove them right. I really don't want to be 'that girl that was divorced by the time she was 23'. And also I'm really afraid of how the rest of his life will be if I'm not there to keep him somewhat grounded.

OP this is the worst reason in the world to stay with your husband. Would you rather be the woman who stayed in a marraige she hated for 30 eyars just so the neighbours wouldn't find out?

Who cares if you made a stupid mistake? We all make them, if you're unhappy then move on.

Saying that have you discussed this with your husband? Have you made it clear that you have very specific goals as to where you'd like things to go (i.e. financial security etc.), and that if you don't share those goals then you think it may be time to call it a day.

The Corinthian

Why are you having doubts now? I mean, all things being equal, you'd have to be a bit of an idiot not to consider this only a year ago when you got married, so is there something that has happened to trigger these doubts?

Sincho

Yeah, I have spoken to him about this in the past and he knows how I feel but he doesn't get it. He wants the same things as I want but has no realistic plan....hes from a large family who were incredibly poor but seems to think that this is character building where I disagree. Also in terms of having a house, family, etc he has and attitude of 'it all works itself out' but fails to see that it worked out for his parents because they inherited a house. And the reason I'm so reluctant to leave is only partly due to what other people think,I do love him and am afraid I'd regret leaving. I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone but I'm just really afraid that I'll be poverty stricken forever more if I stay and I'll only end up resenting him down the line for it.

Sincho

Ok, thanks Corinthian! Probably am a bit of an idiot but at the time we were on the same page about things, he was as commited to having a good future as I was but seems to have changed his mind and decided that having fun is the most important thing for him.

Singer73

Have a chat, and if you get nowhere, then move on - just be grateful there are no children involved, because that would really complicate matters. Stop worrying about what other people will think - think about what you will think down the line if you are unhappy.

Talk to him, tell him about your (modest) expectations. He needs to get his priorities right - everyone likes to have fun, but you have to have somewhere to go afterwards...

The Corinthian

Sincho wrote: »

Ok, thanks Corinthian! Probably am a bit of an idiot but at the time we were on the same page about things, he was as commited to having a good future as I was but seems to have changed his mind and decided that having fun is the most important thing for him.

Did he really change his mind or did you misunderstand what he really thought?

If he wants to have children, I suggest you tell him that you are not comfortable doing so by the financial seat of your pants and so he will have to make even a modest effort at engendering some form of financial plan for the future. He's your husband, not boyfriend, so he realistically has to make some effort towards growing up in this regard.

If he does not change for the better, my guess is that he'll get worse, and at that stage, in another two or three years, you'll at least know that you've done what you could and move on, and will have plenty of time to start a family in the future with someone more stable.

On the other hand, he may well grow up although it may take a year or two, at which point you will be in a better position to start a family together and this added responsibility may further push him down the path of responsibility (if he's irresponsible though it may well do the opposite).

Singer73 wrote: »

Have a chat, and if you get nowhere, then move on - just be grateful there are no children involved, because that would really complicate matters.

I disagree - at least I disagree that she should give up too soon.

Call me old fashioned, but marriage is a commitment that if made cannot be abandoned lightly. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out, but she's young and there's plenty of time for her to make an serious effort, and the moment she said "I do" she committed herself to making that serious effort.

Otherwise, outside of the tax break, why on Earth would you bother to get marreid?

Mr. Incognito

Sounds like you just grew up and he's not able to.

Colonel_McCoy

you need to be discussing this with him. I dont think we can decide if you are to stay with him or not.

Loose Lips

Sincho wrote: »

I'm really confused about my relationship and am hoping for some advice...

I've been married just over a year and had a bit of a realisation last night. I think me and my husband are 2 very different people who have different expectations of how our lives are gonna be. Hes a few years older than me at 30 but I feel like I've replaced his mother. He has very idealistic views of life and doesn't really seem to realise that if we're to achieve what we want (ie a family, a home and a comfortable enough life) that its going to take work. He spent most of his 20s not working and has only been working for about 2 years and while I'm ok with that he still seems to have his head in the clouds as regards the future. He thinks life is all about having fun and partying and now that hes realised his friends have settled and aren't really into that scene hes been talking about finding new friends to party with which seems ridiculous to me. I don't know if my attitude is wrong, if his attitude is wrong or if we should just be with different people.

The thing is that much as I love him and want to be with him, I know that if we weren't married I'd probably leave. But I had so many people telling me I married too young and I don't want to prove them right. I really don't want to be 'that girl that was divorced by the time she was 23'. And also I'm really afraid of how the rest of his life will be if I'm not there to keep him somewhat grounded.

And I don't know if I'd actually be ok with him not being a part of my life anymore. He's really helped me start to sort out some issues I had from the past and I know he'll always love and support me but I don't know if love is enough. I just always had a vision of my life, I wanted my children to be more financially secure that I ever was growing up and I'm just really afraid that I'll wake up in 10 years time and be as miserable as my mother was.
I just don't know what to do anymore....

OP: It sounds like you rushed into marriage and didn't know what to expect from it. Perhaps your father and mother were a bad example to follow. Your husband is an imperfect human being, but there is no such thing as a perfect Prince Charming outside of the movies.

You need to have a long hard think about what you can realistically expect from a husband and decide whether your husband ticks enough boxes for you to continue with him.

Be realistic about this exercise. If you decide that he does not, then only leave him if you are very sure that you can get someone who will meet all of your expectations - which might be a bit high.

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.

God Bless

Anti

It took you a year of marrige to work this out ?

Sincho

Ok thanks for advice all, guess I just need to talk to him again. I certainly did not rush into marriage but probably have been a bit unrealistic about what to expect. Fairly sure we can salvage what we have with a bit of understanding and compromise on both sides x

Summerjones

Best of luck Sincho.

Pj!

Yeah I think a good chat with him is whats needed.
Realistically you are going to have to be happy to continue. If it wasn't working out it may have nothing to do with being too young. Couples of all ages don't wrk out. But anyway thats all worse case scenario talk.
Chat it out with him.

(Don't think it'd be needed in this case but if you want to chat with anyone pm me. Seen you did this for someone else on another thread and thought it was real nice thing to offer.)

SarahMc

Of course you should stay. You say you love him, and you made a huge commitment by marrying him. You do your damnest to make it work, the talks, the marital counselling etc.

You do not step out of a marriage lightly. You won't be truly single for another 5 years anyway, whats another 6 months trying to salvage it.

aidan24326

Sincho wrote: »

I'm really confused about my relationship and am hoping for some advice...

For what it's worth I think you need to be very frank and tell him pretty much the same things you've told people here. He may not realise what a potentially big issue this is for you, that you might even consider leaving.

You know what, leaving him for a bit mightn't be the worst thing you could do. You might do him and yourself a favour. He sounds like he needs a wake-up call as he hasn't got his priorities straight at the moment. Some time apart from you might set him straight if less drastic action fails.

LegacyUser

I don't think it's that surprising that your husband might not realise you want to get down to this business of family life and moving on from partying so soon, given that you are presumably at least 7 years younger than him. While at his age yes, many of his peers would be settling down, you yourself are not in that age group.

One would think you would have discussed your ideas about the timing of these things (house/children) before getting married but if not, then obviously now would be a good time.

Now if he says he's not bothered with financial planning and expects it all to work itself out, the option left to you (short of leaving him I mean) is simply to get on with working towards your own goals in life. If that means telling him you're not coming out every night of the week because your budget doesn't allow it, then maybe it will gradually sink in with him that you are serious about your intentions. Married or not, it is good for you to have a firm hold of your own finances and be able to support yourself (I presume you are working) and your offspring. Obviously you shouldn't go ahead and get pregnant without his agreement but you can work on all the elements that would put you in a secure place to have a child.

It used to be common enough for one person (back then the man) to be in charge of the finances and make the big decisions. Of course it's different when there are two incomes and you feel he "should" be spending some of his on common goals like a house. But you are still in charge of yours so get on with your plans!