Overreacting about childhood

LegacyUser

Hello all. This is something I didnt think I'd write about here. Not many people know this story. I don't know what to make of it myself I feel guilty for still thinking about it. It was a long time ago and I feel guilty about calling it an 'it' in the first place because I fear I am being too sensitive. I wont try analyse or understand it anyway. I'll just type as it is.

When I was around ten/eleven I had a friend who I was very close to, we grew up together and were never apart. She had a cousin, who was about 16 at the time. He looked after us often when I'd be staying over for weekends in her house. I didn't like him at all. He made me feel very uncomfortable and I can even clearly remember feeling sick near him. He used to say things (that seem ridiculous now, I mean I probably would pay no notice now) like calling me sexy and saying he ''liked my breasts''. (Im pretty sure I didn't have any then) Anyway I'd usually just say ''stop it X'' and get agitated with him. I could feel him staring at me and when nobody was looking and he'd catch my eye he's lip synch things like I love you and things. Anyway that's all minor but the parts that bother me is how it affected my image of myself. I didn't feel sexy at all (I was a kid) and for some reason I cant see myself that way now.

He used to come up behind me and knock me into the wall and 'rub up' (sorry) against me. I was constantly trying to get away. He'd begin to take his clothes off in front of me (I dont know if he was just mesing or not) and one night he frightened the life out of me. He insisted on sharing my blanket and I didn't like it at all, I cant even remember what I did but I do remember him pick up a pillow and hold it over my face. Then when I coulnt breathe he lay on top of me so it was hard for me to move. I can vaguely remember shouting into the pillow and trying to push him away. The shameful thing is my friend and his brother were sleeping in the same room and his little brother stuck up for me and said leave me alone. (his bro was about 14) and said I could sleeep beside him instead and share his blanket. Anyway thats about as bad as the physical side got. I know its not really bad at all and that people have had way worse things happen and that some kids have been hurt and invaded far more horrifically. Thats why I feel guilty that I still remember something so stupid. Not just that I remember but that I let it affect me (not on purpose)

I've only had one 'proper' boyfriend. One who I loved, swooned over etc. I got with him when I was 17. I was crazy about him but the relationship was so bad looking back now. He was a drug user and could be very nasty, even aggressive. But I didnt make him take responsibilty at the time and he knew he could do what he wanted. All he'd have to do was get upset/in a mess and I'd forgive him. Big mistake. When I was 17 I lost my virginity to him. It was painful and really awkward. But it was the first time I properly acctepted him telling me he loved me. But he left about 5 mins later and ignored me for days afterwards. I know he was with other girls those few days (he admitted he was 'out' with them) anyway it was only then (after that text) that this other stuff hit me like a tonne of bricks. i dont know why but I cried for about 3 days solid. I didnt even go home, I stayed with a friend. Anyway that guy dumped me a few weeks later (I should have known because he'd jokingly hinted months before that if I didnt sleep with him he'd get it somewhere else). He was cheating anyway and he broke up with me but before he did I stupidly told him what I told you all above. I'd only ever said it out loud once before (to a counsellor) but not to a 'real' person (of my age, equal etc) who I'd have to just trust not to tell. We broke up that day.

Next time I seen him was at a function of that childhood friend. He happened to be there with one of the girls that was there throughout our relatiionship. But so was the guy from years back and even now I feel betrayed that the only other person I told about him was there in the same room (probably talking to him) but I couldn't even tell him. And he was there with her anyway. It was horrible but I hid it very well.

Its nearly two years since we broke up (im nearly 20) and I still haven;t been with anyone else. I know its been ages but I just dont feel anything really. Am I over reacting? I know I should just get over it. I dont know what's wrong with me (you wouldnt know to look at me, I'm very happy, open etc).

Thanks for letting me share.

Anonanna

mud

"I'd only ever said it out loud once before (to a counsellor) but not to a 'real' person (of my age, equal etc) who I'd have to just trust not to tell. We broke up that day."


I'm so glad you saw a counsellor, did you continue to see this person? It's amazing how childhood experiences can have a funny way of lodging in your mind and affecting you years down the line, even something simple like a throwaway comment not to mind your experience of being held down in the bed,


op we all tell partners personal and private stuff, it comes with the territory, don't beat yourself up about sharing your experience, it's not your fault that ye didn't stay together and i think ye were going to split anyway regardless of whether you had told him this info or not


op you're not alone, try and find a counsellor who you are totally comfortable with and tell them all you've told us, i promise there's someone who can help and you won't know yourself when you can finally put this behind you and move on, at the risk of sounding cheesy 'you're worth it'

x m

von Neumann

Hi OP,

That sounds horrible,

I don't think it matters that it was 10+ years ago, as it can feel like it was yesterday until it sorted out.

Far dues to you for trying to sort this stuff out.

It is a good idea to look for professional help

Tupins

First of all OP, you are not overreacting. What you experienced was unwanted and threatening sexual attention from this person. This constitutes abuse. Yes there are some people who unfortunately experience a more serious form of physical violation but that doesn't mean that what you experienced was not traumatic - clearly it was as it still affects you today. God if someone held me down and put a pillow over my head I'd be fairly traumatised!

You should try not to compare yourself to others - there's ALWAYS someone worse off than yourself. Telling yourself or others that things could be worse does not automatically lessen the pain of the actual circumstances - would you say to a person who had lost both arms "oh well it could be worse, you could have lost your legs too"? Do you think that would really make them feel better?

The fact that you were treated badly by your boyfriend was such an unfortunate thorn in your already unhealed wounds but by coming on here to address your problem you've already taken a step towards trying to resolve it. Well done you and do try to go back to counselling as you deserve to free yourself from this feeling of guilt.

Don't be ashamed to look after yourself ok? I wish you all the best.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies. I don't know if I'll speak to another counsellor. The last one told me that what happened was emotional, sexual and physical abuse. I think this is what I don't accept. I feel that what happened to me is minor and that I shouldn't accuse this man (he was only 16/17 and had recently lost his dad to cancer) of 'sexual abuse', when really, I escaped fortunately. I do regret telling my ex boyfriend. I've decided not to tell any future partners I may have. I know that it is not a big deal really and that I escaped uninjured but I still feel repulsed thinking about him. And I do feel guilty about that.

Karen_*

OP you should make no apology for how you're feeling nor undermine it. How the experience made you feel is a very big deal to you and it really upset you. You're doing the best you can in dealing with it so stop being so hard on yourself. And let go of the guilt ok? Because you've nothing to feel guilty about.

You WILL be able to trust again. You trusted us to understand how you're feeling and no one thinks you're overreacting at all. We all have things that we think we've no right to be so upset about but they are a big deal to us. I think you need to accept what happened and accept it happened through no fault of you own and yes it COULD have been worse but it still had a huge effect on you. Everything is relative. I could break a fingernail and you could break a leg but I'm still allowed to be upset about the fingernail.

MagicMarker

I would say this is a case of a 16 year old being incredibly stupid and childish, especially considering that his brother etc were present on occasion. You are being level headed in looking at it that way yourself.

This may sound extreme, but have you thought about talking to this guy? He probably doesn't even realize at this stage how wrong he was or how it could possibly effect you. If he's a in any way approachable then it may offer some sort of 'closure' if you talked to him and maybe even got an apology. Of course, this is something you'd have to think long and hard about as it's possible that course of action could back fire immensely.

I do think you should speak to a different professional, it won't hurt to try.

LegacyUser

That's why the guilt is an issue. I wish I hadn't have told the counsellor, it was them who called it abuse, not me. That's where the guilt comes from. I feel like I've accused somebody of a horrible thing undeservedly, I know he didn't do that much to me. I was scared at the time and just avoided hanging out with my friend. I'd be 'sick' if I thought Id have to be near him.

I did talk to my friend about it and she said that his own brother passed a comment to her once (years later, when he was about 21) and basically said not to go anywhere with him because, ''that fella would probably try rape ya''. I freaked out when I heard this. Obviously I want to protect my friend. He didn't seem as interested in her though (but he did do similar stuff occasionally) but I think he focused more on me because I'm not his cousin. That comment made by his own brother pretty much made me freak out. Maybe the guy is a nutter now?! I don't know.

On the other hand he could be a mature, intelligent young man now and I don't feel that I should burden him with the guilt. Like I said above, he had a tough time when his dad died. I have thought about speaking with him but I'm afraid that he'll dismiss it as nothing because if he does I think I'll feel even more guilty. I remember I only hinted to my dad when I was 10 about it when we were driving around (he doesn't even nearly know everything, just the part about him takin his clothes off and locking me into a shed etc..) and he nearly crashed the car when I let it slip. He started shouting and going flipping mental and I remember feeling very guilty and sad. I know he and my friends dad had words with him but I heard no more after that and never said everything he did.

I'm torn between feeling angry and invaded, even humiliated, and feeling like I'm an over dramatic idiot. I think because I told my ex everything I feel like I made it into a big deal.

The bottom line that I really want to get to is if people here do think I'm being a dramaqueen or if they think that that guy did something wrong. I can't make sense of it myself I just feel kind of like it's not real at the moment. Thanks again for reading and offering advice

Anonanna

Macha

Anonanna wrote: »

The last one told me that what happened was emotional, sexual and physical abuse. I think this is what I don't accept. I feel that what happened to me is minor and that I shouldn't accuse this man (he was only 16/17 and had recently lost his dad to cancer) of 'sexual abuse', when really, I escaped fortunately.

This sounds like a mild form of "survivor's guilt" whereby you hear stories of people who were not as lucky as you & so play down or accept what actually happened to you. There is a scale of abuse, ranging from very minor incidents to full-blown rape and worse. It doesn't matter where you are on the scale - what matters is the effect it has on you.

Anonanna wrote: »

I do regret telling my ex boyfriend. I've decided not to tell any future partners I may have. I know that it is not a big deal really and that I escaped uninjured but I still feel repulsed thinking about him. And I do feel guilty about that.

Why feel guilty about feeling repulsed by him? It seems that you have not fully dealt with the issues yet and so still feel these things towards him - anger/guilt/fear, whatever it is.

You really should try another therapist as it would be very lucky for you to click with your first one. Just think how much better you will feel when all of this is resolved. Life is hard enough so try and get what help is available.

LegacyUser

OP, as mud said you're not alone. I went through something very similar. I know exactly how you feel, exactly.

I felt the label of sexual abuse was too much. I too saw what happened to me as "minor" compared to what has happened to other children. I remember watching the news and hearing of children being raped for years by their own fathers and feeling ashamed that I had gotten upset at what had happened to me.

Yes you should yes feel lucky that it wasn't as horrific as some cases but you should never feel guilty about feeling upset about your incidence. It was okay to get upset about it. It happened to me the same way, trying not to think about it and one day it just hitting me and crying over it. He's probably remembering what he did and feeling guilty or ashamed himself but it's not up to you to feel that way.

I think people here are giving good advice. Your not overreacting. It happened and it affected you. You said your not going to tell any future partners about it or haven't told any peers and I myself have never told it to someone my own age but I think that's okay. Maybe one day with future fiance/husband or really close friend, I don't know. Sometimes it's best to talk to someone professional and just keep it between yourself and them. I know talking with friends can sometimes make it a seem too big deal and you feel embarssed but you shouldn't.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Relate, I'm glad to see that I'm not the only person who has felt this way. It feels like a tricky one because I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.
Thanks for the input anyway everyone

LegacyUser

OP ur def not alone. Tho some issues you have brought up are certainly challenging. Ok from my point of view, I felt a bit sick reading ur first post only because i knew someone in ur predicament but they were 12 (Y) and the older person(X) was 17 when this happened. Like urself, X was totally disgusting with his inuendos, body language, behaviour etc and Y felt completely powerless to stop it. Tho Y did confide in me and it was really hard in trying to discuss it as everytime it was mentioned it just resulted in Y crying. Y couldnt hold a relationship cuz if the person got really close, they were pushed away. Y suffered with low self esteem/confidence etc and blamed herself for the problem happening but never took into account the age she was. Y met X years later when Y was in college. Every emotion and sickness flooded back and Y felt there was no way out but to speak to "Peer Therapist" within the college. Since then Y's life is completely turned around. There is confidence bursting out etc.

Perhaps you may need to speak to a peer mentor (I hate the word therapist tho i did use it in this post) and perhaps some of those feeling can be eliminated. The most important thing right now you can do is contantly tell yourself - I'M NOT THE ONE AT FAULT. and believe me ur not.

maryjmul

Anonanna wrote: »

Hello all. This is something I didnt think I'd write about here. Not many people know this story. I don't know what to make of it myself I feel guilty for still thinking about it. It was a long time ago and I feel guilty about calling it an 'it' in the first place because I fear I am being too sensitive. I wont try analyse or understand it anyway. I'll just type as it is.

When I was around ten/eleven I had a friend who I was very close to, we grew up together and were never apart. She had a cousin, who was about 16 at the time. He looked after us often when I'd be staying over for weekends in her house. I didn't like him at all. He made me feel very uncomfortable and I can even clearly remember feeling sick near him. He used to say things (that seem ridiculous now, I mean I probably would pay no notice now) like calling me sexy and saying he ''liked my breasts''. (Im pretty sure I didn't have any then) Anyway I'd usually just say ''stop it X'' and get agitated with him. I could feel him staring at me and when nobody was looking and he'd catch my eye he's lip synch things like I love you and things. Anyway that's all minor but the parts that bother me is how it affected my image of myself. I didn't feel sexy at all (I was a kid) and for some reason I cant see myself that way now.

He used to come up behind me and knock me into the wall and 'rub up' (sorry) against me. I was constantly trying to get away. He'd begin to take his clothes off in front of me (I dont know if he was just mesing or not) and one night he frightened the life out of me. He insisted on sharing my blanket and I didn't like it at all, I cant even remember what I did but I do remember him pick up a pillow and hold it over my face. Then when I coulnt breathe he lay on top of me so it was hard for me to move. I can vaguely remember shouting into the pillow and trying to push him away. The shameful thing is my friend and his brother were sleeping in the same room and his little brother stuck up for me and said leave me alone. (his bro was about 14) and said I could sleeep beside him instead and share his blanket. Anyway thats about as bad as the physical side got. I know its not really bad at all and that people have had way worse things happen and that some kids have been hurt and invaded far more horrifically. Thats why I feel guilty that I still remember something so stupid. Not just that I remember but that I let it affect me (not on purpose)

I've only had one 'proper' boyfriend. One who I loved, swooned over etc. I got with him when I was 17. I was crazy about him but the relationship was so bad looking back now. He was a drug user and could be very nasty, even aggressive. But I didnt make him take responsibilty at the time and he knew he could do what he wanted. All he'd have to do was get upset/in a mess and I'd forgive him. Big mistake. When I was 17 I lost my virginity to him. It was painful and really awkward. But it was the first time I properly acctepted him telling me he loved me. But he left about 5 mins later and ignored me for days afterwards. I know he was with other girls those few days (he admitted he was 'out' with them) anyway it was only then (after that text) that this other stuff hit me like a tonne of bricks. i dont know why but I cried for about 3 days solid. I didnt even go home, I stayed with a friend. Anyway that guy dumped me a few weeks later (I should have known because he'd jokingly hinted months before that if I didnt sleep with him he'd get it somewhere else). He was cheating anyway and he broke up with me but before he did I stupidly told him what I told you all above. I'd only ever said it out loud once before (to a counsellor) but not to a 'real' person (of my age, equal etc) who I'd have to just trust not to tell. We broke up that day.

Next time I seen him was at a function of that childhood friend. He happened to be there with one of the girls that was there throughout our relatiionship. But so was the guy from years back and even now I feel betrayed that the only other person I told about him was there in the same room (probably talking to him) but I couldn't even tell him. And he was there with her anyway. It was horrible but I hid it very well.

Its nearly two years since we broke up (im nearly 20) and I still haven;t been with anyone else. I know its been ages but I just dont feel anything really. Am I over reacting? I know I should just get over it. I dont know what's wrong with me (you wouldnt know to look at me, I'm very happy, open etc).

Thanks for letting me share.

Anonanna

OH my god you darling ,im sorry i cant offer you advice as your story is too familiar,please just forge a life for yourself away from all this hurt i wish you all the best im sorry i cant be of more help but your problem is so sad that you need professional advice im sorry i dont qualify much luck in the future xxx

spinandscribble

abuse is abuse. a 16/17 year old doing what he did is sick and not all that innocent. you have every reason to feel sorry for yourself, you need to mourn what happened to you. you won't lose being the level headed person you are, that can see the situation as it is. you're not over reacting. i think you should talk to someone. you've no reason to feel ashamed or stupid.