Other woman...

LegacyUser

I've fallen in love with a man who is married and has two children, aged 3 and 6. He was seperated from his wife when I met him, and his marriage was completely over, but still, I feel awful and I'm scared what people will think when they do find out.

We've been together for 7 months now and we could not be happier. We are head over heels in love and have just clicked. I really feel like I've met my match, and know that we could have a very happy future together.

However, his children are really hurting and his wife is not coping with the seperation at all. She is severly depressed, and can't work and his children are begging him to come home. I know its breaking his heart to see them so upset, and I just want to know how I can help. I've always said to him that he has to put his kids first, plus I have always said he would never get a hard time from me if he ever wanted to take a break for a while or even try to make things work with his wife. He's adamant that he did everything to make it work and that if they stayed together things would only get worse.

So what I'm asking is, how do I support him now whilst he's going through this? I don't live with him, and I haven't met the kids plus we're keeping things secret for now. I think its important that we take things slowly but I hate seeing him hurt. He's really getting a hard time from everyone for leaving, but they don't understand how unhappily married he was. His kids mean everything to him though, and I was wondering if anyone has tips on how to make things easier for them as well?

Sorry for the long post but I feel helpless. The man I love is obviously suffering and I hate that I can't just make everything right.

Thanks for reading.

krpc

I see 93 people have viewed this thread but there are no replies. It's a tough one alright.

The advice I can give, as bad is it might be, is focus on the relationship with the BF - be understanding and supporting about his situation but don't allow it to dominate your own relationship.

In relation to his children and his (ex-)wife it clearly sounds like there are a lot of issues still there and therefore I'd say there's nothing you can do right now. If you got involved right now you could become the face of evil - because as Yoda once said "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." You don't want that anger and hate to be directed at you.

TheZohanS

Quick question before I comment; does he still live with his wife?

Dudess

Ok, we've only got your side of the story but you seem like a genuine, very decent person so that's what I'm prepared to go on anyway:

His marriage is over. He has every right to move on with his life and that includes starting a relationship with someone else. The two of you seem to have an amazing thing going on - why shouldn't you continue to enjoy it?

The upset his children are going through does seem heartbreaking but he has to explain to them that he and their mum can't be together any more and sometimes relationships don't always work out, but he and their mum had many happy years together and he still likes her and respects her as a friend. They are only 3 and 6 and while children that age can pick up on negativity, they are also very adaptable.

Get him to spend as much time as possible with his children and tell him to advise his wife to go for counselling.

Beta Ray Bill

Speaking as someon who was once in the situation the kids are in; they will get over it eventually. oviously it is not nice now but there is nothing that can be done.

I got over it and I have a great relationship wth my mam and dad even though the 2 of them now don't really like one another.

Everything will work out.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. No, he doesn't live with her but he has spent a few nights over (in the spare room) since leaving, either when the kids were ill or when his wife has been really hysterical and he's been worried about the kids. I trust him one hundred per cent when he does stay over, as we're very open about everything. Its just that sometimes I wish we'd met in a year or two, when the difficult bit was over with. Even though I didn't break up the marriage, I don't want him to ever think I was in the way of letting them sort things out. Yet again, I couldn't bear to be without him now... I truly love him. But would it be a good idea to back off for a little while even? I'm just at a loss really as to how best to handle all this. Especially when, eventually people find out about us.

I know it seems like a lot of hassle, and being single and without commitments myself, it would be easier to meet someone with less baggage. But I don't want to. I really think he's worth it..

Karen_*

Did you know this man and his wife before you two got together? Just asking because you say that you two are a secret and I'm wondering will it be more of a shock to his wife than him meeting a total stranger?

OP I don't think that you can do much more than you're doing at the moment and thats being supportive. You haven't done anything wrong and deserve this happiness yourself. I know its difficult to enjoy it when its going to cause pain but the fact that you are so upset about this shows the caring person that you are. Just be there for him. Its going to take time before things are worked out obviously. And there's going to be some pain. But hopefully things will pan out and it will be the best thing for everyone. I don't think you should back off. You met him and you're both in love so grab the happiness with both hands.

LegacyUser

No, I didn't know him and I've never even met his wife. I started working for the same company as him after he'd separated and that's how we met. We were keeping it secret more so as we didn't want things to be awkward at work. Plus a lot of people at work know his wife and we didn't want to cause her pain when she was obviously suffering..

LegacyUser

OP I think you and him, should slow things right down, for the time being
Far too much mess in the background

When the dust settles in few monthes and you and him arent a secret, a certain amount of Mud will come your way, if its not already sticking

in otherwords sadly you'll be the 'bad one' and the focus of any ill feelings in the future