Very confussed about relationship

LegacyUser

I have been with my partner for 4 years now. I am unsure whether i should move on or stick it out. The problem has always been that he "forgets" what i ask of him, and its not silly little things, I have not received a birthday or xmas or valentines present from him in 2 years. He always says sorry for 'forgetting' all these slip ups but nothing ever changes.
Now i know everyone forgets things from time to time and thats fair enough, but its just getting stupid now. Him sitting back down at his computer after me asking him to do something, ie. put a wash on for US, when he finally does it he puts HIS clothes in nothing of mine.
On top of that i cant go out and enjoy myself, he stop's me from doing certain things, die my hair etc, Granted its my fault for not saying F you, but its cause i care i didnt do any of these things, but its just bitten me on the as$.
He does love me on some level, i just know he's not going to change. But i wanted him to.
I have spoke to him numerous times about this problem and he always says he's going to change and he still doesn't.
we're both 23.
Thank you

Seraphina

He won't change.

He sounds lazy, selfish and controlling. Get rid.

dudara

I think that you already know the answer in your heart of hearts. Either 1) you find a way of delivering a good sharp kick in the arse to him or 2) you settle for this life or 3) you depart.

together 4 years, he's 23..


Sounds like he is just after getting very comfortable in his current situation. Do you have (much) sex (at all)?

If so, then i think he may just think he has it very handy. Regular sex, girl he likes/loves, nothing to worry about, etc.

I wouldn't go storming off on him. Just let him know you're unhappy and you're prepared to leave him if things don't turn around. If he has any sense/cares that much, I'm sure he'll make an effort.

Overheal

Stop being his mother? Quit reminding him to do things. Certainly you shouldnt have to remind anyone of your own birthday or a holiday - frankly it just sounds vain. But with regard to chores, work to a comprimise. If he wants to do his own clothes, then you need to stop adding his clothes into your washes, full stop.

By not standing up and telling him to Feck off you are only enabling him to continue that pattern of behavior, which is in general underappreciating you.

Madame Razz

shouldhego wrote: »

I have been with my partner for 4 years now. I am unsure whether i should move on or stick it out. The problem has always been that he "forgets" what i ask of him, and its not silly little things, I have not received a birthday or xmas or valentines present from him in 2 years. He always says sorry for 'forgetting' all these slip ups but nothing ever changes.
Now i know everyone forgets things from time to time and thats fair enough, but its just getting stupid now. Him sitting back down at his computer after me asking him to do something, ie. put a wash on for US, when he finally does it he puts HIS clothes in nothing of mine.
On top of that i cant go out and enjoy myself, he stop's me from doing certain things, die my hair etc, Granted its my fault for not saying F you, but its cause i care i didnt do any of these things, but its just bitten me on the as$.
He does love me on some level, i just know he's not going to change. But i wanted him to.
I have spoke to him numerous times about this problem and he always says he's going to change and he still doesn't.
we're both 23.
Thank you

Read again what I have highlighted in bold.

He completely controls you and is totally selfish.

He does not love you on ANY level; In fact I doubt if he cares at all.

Get out fast.You're 23, lots of life to live; don't let him steal anymore of it from you.

mbren

Op, you are 23 years old...you should be enjoying life. Relationships, in my opinion shouldn't be that one way or difficult.

Have a good chat with him, tell him that he can't control another person the way he does...and then tell him that they are tips for when he meets another woman in the future. Then get your belongings, leave and start enjoying your life again, that's what its there for!!

Best of luck!

The Sweeper

You do not need this bloke to change in order to prove you are loveable. Stop waiting around for him to throw you a bone. Ditch him, spoil yourself and be more choosy about the next one. This isn't a gold-digger's chant, waiting for big presents - this is a suggestion that you find someone capable of a bit of respect.

Boston

Why would he change? Have you ever changed in your life without a motivator? He knows you won't leave him so why bother making an effort. By staying with him you're allowing him to become more and more this self centered person. Thats not fair on him either.

I'd suggest moving out for awhile and doing the whole living apart thing but maybe still as a couple.

RossFixxxed

I'm the first to admit I'm lazy and a bit fogetful, but come on how do you forget CHRISTMAS for the love of god? It's not like it's a small event that passes quickly!

Also forgetting your birthday is just damn disrespectful. You should not pander to his every need cos it's going to get worse.

As said above give him a kick up the backside or get out of there quick sharp!

Good luck,
R

AnonoBoy

Forgetting Christmas? That's just a lie. You can't forget Christmas but you can be not arsed buying your OH a present. That's called being a lazy, uncaring git.

Seriously - at 23 you shouldn't be living like a middle-aged couple.

It's shape up or ship out time for this lead weight. He's just going to bring you down with him.

cafecolour

shouldhego wrote: »

On top of that i cant go out and enjoy myself, he stop's me from doing certain things, die my hair etc,

That alone would be a deal breaker - a controlling partner like that is the first signs of someone who will turn into an abusive partner down the line.

Just leave. Enjoy living on your own for a while and then you'll find someone else. I'd give good chances he's tired of the relationship, but has no balls to out and say it himself.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I really empathise with your situation. I imagine that really, you know deep down that this situation isn't going to get any better. Also, I suspect that you posted here in the hope that someone here could give you a solution to your problem, but unfortunately only you can sort this out. I can only assume that after four years together, two of which have been less than perfect, you have at some stage given him an ultimatum with regards his treatment of you. As someone said above, this controlling behaviour is often described in terms of the beginnings of a physically abusive relationship.

Of course everyone's situation is different but I'll share my experience with you because it seems quite similar to yours in some ways. I started going out with a guy when I was barely eighteen, thought he was the be all and end all, as I had nothing REAL to compare it to, a few casual boyfriends, nothing major. I suspect your situation might be similar, that you don't realise that his treatment of you is far from normal. In my case, I thought jealousy, arguments and some controlling behaviours (not banning hair dye, but other things like deciding who I could and couldn't speak to) were to some extent normal. One day, almost exactly four years after we first started going out something snapped in me and I realised I was worth more than that. That I deserved better treatment. By the sounds of things, you are struggling with your feelings, but you are also reaching that point.

He won't change, not at this stage - when you leave he might promise he will, you might take him back believing his promise, but eventually you'll have the strength and conviction you need. After four years, it is difficult because it's not just him, it's his family, his friends, your routine and way of life and at such a young age you don't know any different, it's like he has always been there. BUT, you DESERVE a Christmas present. There are guys out there that will treat you with respect, who will want you to be happy and trust me you'll know the next time what not to accept earlier on.

Best of luck!

dirtydress

I think by the way you wrote that post you know the answer yourself. If you still need convincing how about writing a list of pros and cons for the relationship...i bet the con list is much longer than the pro. Get out now, you deserve better.

beth-lou

I think you should move on to better things. He sounds like he just can't be bothered and I doubt he is going to change. He's just lazy and selfish and to be honest if you want to go out or dye your hair that's your choice. You're a grown adult. By 18 you were capable of making those decisions for yourself.
Why would you let him dictate what you do now as an adult?
He won't change. He might for a few weeks, but you'll be right back where you started, and when he gets older he'll get worse and you could be stuck with kids and a lazy, uncaring, thoughtless idiot in the corner.

LegacyUser

thank you everyone. yeah i have delivered an ultimatum before and things changed for a small amount of time but we are just back where we were.
thank you.

littlebitdull

There is nothing more I can add. But the strenght of answers should be telling you something. Often you see both sides on here, this time we are all of the same opinion. You need to end this and start your life anew.

If after four years he cant remember you birthday ... well he does not care enough about you to let himself remember.