Alcohol Problem

LegacyUser

I've been going out with my boyfriend for little over a year now. I always knew he went a bit mad when he goes out cause his friends told me. However, it has gotten to the point where I can't handle his drink problem anymore.

Every single time we go out he gets way too drunk, makes a show of himself and me. He gets very mean and aggressive, he would try to make me hug him by grabbing me and shaking me, I tell him to go away but he doesn't listen.
Then when i try to go to sleep, he keeps grabbing me and trying to have sex with me, when I don't want to because he repulses me when he's drinking, he turns into a complete different person. And it hurts. I constantly have to shove him away, Still he doesn't seem to understand anything. And I hate it.

I nearly broke up with him about 3/4 weeks ago because he went on a ten day binge, i said countless times that if he keeps drinking I would break up with him , he just kept drinking. Foolishly i stayed. He said he would ''change'' and that he would ''get help''.
I have seen very little improvement since he said that.

Now, his parents have gone away for two weeks. ''Free gaf'' so he has nothing to do, (But drink)because he's unemployed and still living at home.
We were drinking yesterday for a bit, (Sunday) but I hardly drank much because I had school the next day. Once again, he had to go that little bit too far and get horribly drunk.

Now it's Monday and he's still drunk. His friend is going to go over, which only means more drinking, as his friend think's he's deadly for always drinking.

I just don't know what to do. I know I can't change him. But I've been with him so long I wish he could just be normal sometimes. Things were so good the start of the relationship. Now he makes me cry nearly everyday, when he drinks.

I love him so much and can't bare the thought of him not being in my life, but I don't know if I should leave him or not because I shouldn't be dealing with this, I'm only 18 years old..

I'm sorry this post is so long I just have to get this off my chest, there's no one I can talk to this about.

Thanks for reading.

Karen_*

You have to get away from him. You're only 18 and with him slightly more than a year and he's making your life a misery.

You're right, you shouldn't be dealing with this. You've your whole life ahead of you and you should be having fun.

And besides, if he starts losing people close to him he might change or get help. So do him a favour and drop him fast.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

He needs a quick kick up the hole... you need to find yourself a new man. This is not healthy to be around. Oh reality will hit him some day, like a freight train.

Partners that cannot handle their drink are a burden, disown them...

username123

hiya worriedgf,
if you dont want to break up but you do want something to change then you need to go help yourself. there is a support group for people affected by other peoples drinking - its called Alanon, if you go to some meetings you will see the way forward.

Remember that your actions determine his reactions in some cases, telling him you will leave him but never leaving him just gives him the message you dont mean it and its only words.

Dont forget that you are being affected by this, and its not likely to improve unless something changes, he doesnt sound like he is changing, you dont want to leave him, so the only change left thats possible is for you to change yourself, and you can get the support to do that.

Hope things work out.

LegacyUser

i feel for you op , but seriously other than a lot of heart ache what are you getting out of this realtionship?? your only 18 and nobody especially someone so young needs this kind of headache.

Your boyfriend needs help but has to realise on his own he needs it, no amount of nagging will work , and the truth is thats the way he see's it when you try to talk to him about it - that you are just nagging him.

go out and enjoy your life and dont let this guy drag you down with him.

coillcam

Personally coming from a family with alcoholics on both sides of the family including my mother, this would appear distinctly as what it seems like. For me anyway I'd recommend you give him the ultimatum it's either he chooses you or drinking. You will soon see where you stand. Addiction or otherwise if he has any respect for you or himself even he'll choose to get help. Otherwise you are investing an awful amount of emotional commodity into something that will only get even more out of control and could potentially do a lot of damage to you.

From my experiences now based on the limited info you have provided this is only the tip of the iceberg. Lets be clear, now I am without question making a generalization based on my own experiences. Every which way this works out is going to be hard but you must stand up for yourself.

If he gets help and becomes better that is fantastic. If he doesn't get help you are set for perpetual anguish which you don't deserve. I know it would hard for you to envisage life beyond him but for your own long term benefit you would be a lot better off than stuck with a drunk.

MooseJam

dump him

Duckjob

+1 for dumping him.

He sounds like an immature waster and you sound like a nice person that deserves better than that from a relationship.

Wow, you poor thing, this is not something you should be dealing with at all, as you said you're only 18. Someone who makes you cry every day is not someone you should be with. If he has a genuine problem then it is not his fault, however, are you really prepared to go down a long long road of recovery with him when he clearly hasn't even admitted the problem yet. Ask yourself one question, am I going to spend the rest of my life with this man? If the answer is no then I strongly urge you to end this relationship now as there is no point wasting any more of your precious life being upset with a boyfriend who you may split up with anyway in a year....

Best of luck

Karen_*

OP you know he's probably only at the start of his drinking too. And he's drinking alcoholically. It could be and more than likely will be years before he does something about it. He probably just thinks he's being one of the boys! Its very sad but the reality of it is that he's choosing drink over you. And you have to make the difficult step of breaking free. Please do that because you'll be doing the right thing:)

Nevyn

So when he's drunk if you don't show him physical affection he hurts you and if you won't have sex with him he sexually assaults you ?

Either he gets help for his drinking asap or you should for your own safety and health and emotional and mental well being break up with him.

dudara

Ditto what Thaed says.

He may be a nice guy, but he also sounds incredibly immature if he will not take your feelings into consideration. You need to reevaluate what you are getting out of this relationship, because right now, it sounds as if all you're getting is heartbreak.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice, and to Karen*, he's not just started drinking, he is 23 years old , unemployed and living alone. I really think i do have to break up with him, thank you for helping me make up my mind. I'll keep you guys updated

thanks so much.

themadchef

Get out.... Get out now.

Only you can make the choice to leave. Yes youre going to have heart break, but i think it's fair to say it's going to be a hell of alot worse if you stay with him.


Best of luck OP

newname

23, unemployed, drunk all the time, abusive, makes you cry and turns into a sex pest when drunk. He's a waster!! If you do get rid of him you'll look back in 6 months or a year and breath a hugh sigh of relief.

blah

newname wrote: »

23, unemployed, drunk all the time, abusive, makes you cry and turns into a sex pest when drunk. He's a waster!! If you do get rid of him you'll look back in 6 months or a year and breath a hugh sigh of relief.

Or 6 minutes?
You need to have more respect for yourself. Believe that you can do better.

mazcon

Even if you decide to break up with him I would still advise you to go to Alanon to look at yourself and see why you are in this relationship in the first place. It's possible that if you don't change yourself that you may go on to have similar destructive relationships. Alanon is fantastic support for you whatever you decide to do. You will never change your BF unless he wants to change. Step out of his way and let him hit rock bottom and then the rest is up to him. He is already drinking alcoholically and alcoholism is progressive so if he doesn't stop he will get worse.
Fast forward 5 years........do you still want to be with someone who can't hold down a job? Someone who is still acting like an overgrown teenager?
Fast forward 10 years.....who is looking after the kids and trying to keep a roof over the family's heads?
Just be careful that you don't drift along with him and spend years regretting your own lost potential while you waited for him to change.

beth-lou

worriedGF wrote: »

and to Karen*, he's not just started drinking, he is 23 years old , unemployed and living alone. I really think i do have to break up with him, thank you for helping me make up my mind. I'll keep you guys updated

thanks so much.

I think what Karen is refering to is that he is at start of a long and rocky road into serious drinking. ie he is not ready to give up yet because he has only started. It generally takes a long time and a lot of loss and regret before someone with a drinking problem gives up. The fact that he is sitting at home, supported by his parents and you, sounds as though it is all too easy for him at the moment and he is not going to do anything about it. It sounds like he is having a great time. Unlike you.

You need to break up with him and concentrate on school. You have your whole life ahead of you and so many lovely guys to meet who will treat you as a friend and who you can have a laugh with. I really hope you can move on. What kind of life would you have with him anyway. He is only going to get worse and he is a long way from getting better.
And you deserve better. x

Wreck

He makes you cry, pressures you into sex, hurts you when you don't give in, is a drunken mess when you go out, is unemployed and living off his parents - sounds like quite a catch to be honest. I have to echo the majority of the advice already given - dump him asap. But make sure he know's exactly why you are breaking up - because he is an abusive partner with a drinking problem. And also advise him to go get help from AA or somewhere.

MBC

I feel for ya OP.........but I was the very same as your b/f when i was younger........well with out the sex pests stuff.........i was a crazy from 18 years on........mother & father were alco's and tbh I taught it was normal to go on like this..........girlfriend gave me the ultimatum and I went to AA............i was in AA for quite a while and everything in my life changed..........im not there any more.........now I know peeps say once an alco always an alco and i do agree to a certain extent but im nothing like i used to be.

To put a long story short i got help and im still with the same girl..........we talk frequently about those days.........she says i was the nicest person ever but as soon as i had a few drinks that was it.....completely different person.


Best of luck to you and your b/f with what ever happens, hope it works out for both of yis.

cafecolour

Leave him. No more chances. And don't go back to him no matter what he claims.

Darragh29

Run a mile and dont change your mind on it is my advice. I've seen situations like this where someone of this age with this type of lifestyle just becomes a complete burden on a family, he never moves out, never gets a car, never achieves anything in life, because all these things can't get a look in because all he's worried about is the next session. Also, if he is keeping company with people who spend their lives in a bar, and is turning into a barfly himself, I've little doubt that his head is probably getting crammed full with stupid notions and philosophy's on life that are being promoted and pushed upon him by other no hopers who are lining themselves up to be the next generation of bar flies.

If you got caught in a situation like this in your mid or late twenties or your early thirties, I'd see less hope for you, but at your young age, you really should run a mile from this in my opinion.

TheZohanS

I agree with the ultimatum, you or drink. See what he values most in his life.

If he pics the booze then you know you just have to get out of there. If you keep letting him away with it he'll do it all his life and you will end up more miserable.

Best of luck.

Darragh29

TheZohan wrote: »

I agree with the ultimatum, you or drink. See what he values most in his life.

If he pics the booze then you know you just have to get out of there. If you keep letting him away with it he'll do it all his life and you will end up more miserable.

Best of luck.

I think it's more a question of a life decision for the OP. Does she want to spend what should be the best years of her life suffering someone with an alcohol problem in his early 20's. Usually where you have an alcohol problem like this, you have fidelity issues, priority problems, work issues (he appears to have this problem already), financial issues (he also seems to have this problem)...

I think your early 20's to a large degree determine how your life will play out, in terms of career and direction. That's all pretty much written off when you're carrying around a problem like this...

mazcon

TheZohan wrote: »

I agree with the ultimatum, you or drink. See what he values most in his life.

If he pics the booze then you know you just have to get out of there. If you keep letting him away with it he'll do it all his life and you will end up more miserable.

Best of luck.

Ultimatums don't work in a situation like this...he will just tell you what you want to hear and you will want to believe him. What the op needs to decide is does she want to live with this for the rest of her life or not. Personally I would run from this relationship....there are no ties of family or property which can make it a much more complex issue. It may be the push that her BF needs to sort himself out or it may not. Either way OP you should do what is right for you as you only get one chance at this life and it is too precious to waste on wishing someone else would change.

TheZohanS

mazcon wrote: »

Ultimatums don't work in a situation like this...he will just tell you what you want to hear and you will want to believe him. What the op needs to decide is does she want to live with this for the rest of her life or not. Personally I would run from this relationship....there are no ties of family or property which can make it a much more complex issue. It may be the push that her BF needs to sort himself out or it may not. Either way OP you should do what is right for you as you only get one chance at this life and it is too precious to waste on wishing someone else would change.

I'd run too if I was the OP but just to clarify; I was talking about the ultimatum of quitting drink altogether.

Galvasean

You need to have a serious discussion with your partner OP (while sober). He sounds like he is seriously suffering from alcoholism. At this stage AA is the only real option (experience, seen this stuff a dozen times in close friends/family) for him if he is to get himself on track. Of course he will probably deny that he is an alcoholic (they all do at first).
You should probably speak with his friends/family too about the issue.

If you can't bear to go on with him (and to be fair, who could blame you) you should get out of the realtionship now.
BUT if you still do care for him on some level you should still see that he gets help (be it through his friends or family, just let the message out).

You would never know. Some day he may come back as someone good. But this will not happen on its own. Only with professional help can he turn himself around. I've seen it happen. It can happen. But I stress, only with help.