porn addiction-please help

desperate

This is going to be long so bear with me please. My boyfriend is addicted to internet porn. He has been using it daily, sometimes more than once a day, for the past 8years. I’m not stupid, I know that all men look at porn occasionally but I don’t accept the idea that ‘everyone does it all the time’. I have severe problems with this, I feel ugly, undesirable etc. At one point,, (without going into too much detail) I began to try and change how I look so I could look more like the women he fanatasises over which only made me feel even worse. It is causing an awful lot of problems in our relationship. Quite often he rejects me sexually. Sometimes it’s because he isn’t horny because he’s sexually satisfied from looking at porn. Sometimes it’s because he feels under too much pressure to perform, which I think is the cause of his problem in the first place.
I’ve been as understanding as I can be, but he suffers from erectile dysfunction quite often. In an ordinary case this wouldn’t bother me, but knowing that he has no problem getting aroused while watching those other women, but can’t with me upsets me so so much. I’m quite sexually liberated in a sense, I am by no means a ‘lights off, under the covers’ kind of woman which further adds to my frustration.
We’ve talked a lot about it and he acknowledges that he has an addiction to porn and that it interferes greatly with our relationship but he can’t seem to stop. That’s the nature of addiction I suppose. After a lot of tears and reassurances I’m finally coming around to the fact that I’m not the problem. I used to think that maybe he didn’t find me sexy, I had too much cellulite, my stomach was too fat etc etc. But he constantly tells me that I’m beautiful, that he wouldn’t be with me if he wasn’t attracted to me etc. I just don’t know what to do anymore. The more pressure I put on him to stop watching porn so frequently, the worse he’ll feel about himself and the more he’ll withdraw from our relationship and find comfort in porn. I guess I’m just asking how to break the cycle before it destroys us both.
I love this man unconditionally and will stay with him no matter what but I need help. He has promised to stop watching it so often but I can’t be around him all hours of the day and I’m not the kind of person to snoop around to catch him out. All I can do is take is word for it, knowing full well that he is lying both to himself and me.
Does anyone have any advice for me? What can I do?
Please don’t tell me ‘all guys look at porn…deal with it’. I know this, and had no problem with past boyfriends using it occasionally. But my current boyfriend is an addict by his own admission and it is destroying our relationship.
Thanks x

JDLK

Sex addiction and porn addictions have not actually been recognised by the medical community as actual addictions yet however the problems you describe are very similar to the problems that come from inability to control destructive compulsive behaviours often associated with common addictions and it is becoming more common which is why pyschologists are keeping an active watch on this new phenomenon.

Like any compulsive behavioural disorder which is damaging to a persons emotional or psychological well being the person must be assessed immediately by a therapist- in this case cognitive behavioural therapy sounds most appropriate.

Unless the persons behaviour manifests itself as physical harm, incapacitation or illegal acts then you really cant force them to seek help, however if your partner is willing (and it sounds so from your post) then a quick consultation with a therapist could be beneficial

MooseJam

if he has been looking at it daily for 8 years I don't think he is going to change, he obviously gets something out of it that he doesn't from you, thats no reflection on you though , people just have different needs and some people can't fulfill them for a myriad of reasons, I think things will only get worse and you should give some serious thought to ending the relationship.

Overheal

He can always try seeing if he can live without the internet for a week. Its not an impossible feat to accomplish. After all, 8 years ago most computers in Ireland were exaggerated Solitaire machines anyway.

AckwelFoley

Ive never understood addictions to porn. Sex yes porn no.

Fysh

I don't think that porn addiction is a specific and individual addiction - rather, dependency on it suggests a deeper problem. What is certainly true is that over-exposure to sexual stimulation can negatively affect the libido, and it is quite possible from your post that your boyfriend's issue is concern over erectile dysfunction compounded by prolonged use of pornography.

As for what you can do - I'm not sure there's anything you can do, as your boyfriend is the one with the problem. It is his issue which is affecting your relationship here, which means that he has to take action to resolve the issue. Accepting that he has a problem isn't enough by itself, but it is a good starting point - has he looked into any form of counselling? Perhaps relationship counselling would be worth considering. Suggest that he visit his GP for a general check-up and go from there.

Fundamentally, you have to bear in mind that if your boyfriend has a problem which is destroying your relationship and will not take steps to resolve it without being led by the hand, you may have to just break things off and walk away. That's a last resort though, and hopefully you won't have to go that far.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

The issue here, isn't the porn, it's the addiction. Whatever the vice, when it starts inflict on the life and hurt those around you, it's an addiction.

OP - is getting rid of the internet altogether an option?

desperate

MooseJam wrote: »

if he has been looking at it daily for 8 years I don't think he is going to change.

This is what Im afraid of.

And getting rid of the internet isn't possible, he needs it for business

krpc

Could it be a lack of confidence that is causing the erectile problem and as such resulting in the porn addiction?

In short, perhaps it's easier for him to get his jollies through porn where this is no audience and no psychological pressure to perform?

If that's the case, could you not suggest looking at the porn with him, trying to better understand what's going on and in turn use/introduce the porn as part of your sexual lives until a point there is no more reliance on it?

desperate

The erectile problem I think is caused by lack of confidence alright. Or more like pressure to perform. Once he starts worrying he can’t get an erection, he obviously can’t. Then he worries about how I will react. I always try to shrug it off as no big deal, but I have on occasion gotten very upset. However the reason I get upset in the first place is because it makes me feel inferior to the porn girls ie…whats wrong with me and whats so right about them?
I-bloodhound, I think you’re right in the sense that porn is easier for him, however its his excessive use of it that has made it easier for him. Like he’s been conditioned to respond to it, and nothing else will do.
I wont be introducing porn into our sex life, it has too much control as it is and I couldn’t handle watching him getting turned on by these women when he has an attractive naked girlfriend right beside him who loves him to death

krpc

desperate wrote: »

The erectile problem I think is caused by lack of confidence alright. Or more like pressure to perform. Once he starts worrying he can’t get an erection, he obviously can’t. Then he worries about how I will react. I always try to shrug it off as no big deal, but I have on occasion gotten very upset. However the reason I get upset in the first place is because it makes me feel inferior to the porn girls ie…whats wrong with me and whats so right about them?
I-bloodhound, I think you’re right in the sense that porn is easier for him, however its his excessive use of it that has made it easier for him. Like he’s been conditioned to respond to it, and nothing else will do.
I wont be introducing porn into our sex life, it has too much control as it is and I couldn’t handle watching him getting turned on by these women when he has an attractive naked girlfriend right beside him who loves him to death

That's cool. I can understand the predicament. I mentioned the introduction of porn into sex so that instead of it controlling the relationship, it might in turn be controlled.

If there is a lack of confidence on your boyfriend's part, have you discussed with him what it might be?

peekyboo

MooseJam wrote: »

if he has been looking at it daily for 8 years I don't think he is going to change, he obviously gets something out of it that he doesn't from you, thats no reflection on you though , people just have different needs and some people can't fulfill them for a myriad of reasons, I think things will only get worse and you should give some serious thought to ending the relationship.

I totally disagree, of course he can change! But it's probably not going to happen overnight. Does he want to change? And what steps is he taking to do it?

This is going to take more than just a wish to stop looking at porn so what else is he doing? Please don't despair, it sounds like he loves you and this is not about you so you can overcome it.

Speaking as someone whose once seemingly-doomed relationship has completely turned around - through a lot of hard work - there is light at the end of the tunnel. Please don't listen to anyone who says dump him, unless that's what you genuinely want to do yourself.

LegacyUser

I too am addicted to internet porn.

I Was away on a two week holiday during the summer where I didn't have private access to internet and I didn't miss porn at all.

I was very happy and for the first time in ages didn't even masturbate for about 5 days. I turned very horny and felt i'd regained some power over myself.

Then , even though I had promised myself that that was that and I'd never look at it again, within two days of returning, I was back at it.

It's a complete lack of control. I could wake up telling myself - not today. No way. Not going near it but then 30 mins later it's "ah sure I'll just have a look".

It has caused problems in my sex life as I'm very visually stimulated and like the OP boyfriend, I have had issues with getting it up and keeping it up and all that that entails....

I don't go out looking for sex in case it ends up in a situation where I'll fail...... but, while I was away and wasn't masturbating, I felt more in control, more horny and more like wanting to have sex : with someone!!

It's a very strange situation to be in. My job puts me in contact with loads of attractive women and I am too scared of asking them out.

Maybe writing it on here and coming back to it daily will give me some strength to fight this affliction. I know it's down to me.I know that it's holding me back and I know that it's damaging me which makes it worse.

To the OP - get him to get some help. MRCS can help.

Porn gives one an unrealistic view of sex and if he's getting his info on how sex should be from porn then he's putting himself under a lot of pressure. I really enjoy sex once I'm there in the middle of it with a friend/girlfriend.

Porn takes away the physical side of sex and puts it all on the mental side - so it's all about thinkning too much and not being in the moment.

Actually, one thing I did notce when on holidays is that I was very active when away and I think that put a halt to my daily masturbation- always doing exercise and out with people - maybe if ( and I know this sounds a bit feeble) but if he started his day jogging or at the gym then he's improving his body image and also using up energy which he'd otherwise put into **** and he's dedicating his time to something else.

girl_friday

desperate wrote: »

This is what Im afraid of.

And getting rid of the internet isn't possible, he needs it for business

Could you use one of those parental control programmes so he can't access porn but can still use the net??

madmaxi

desperate wrote: »

And getting rid of the internet isn't possible, he needs it for business

Keep the internet. His computer's internet security needs to be changed. Cancel his ability to even log onto porn sites. Get someone else to set up the administrator password, that way neither of you can access it. Parental software will also help. It costs around 20€ & can be bought in Tesco. These are not perfect but they will help.

Regarding his addiction, he needs to seek help. You can't make him go get it, he has to want to do it. I'd advise him to go to a male GP first, someone who can direct him in the right direction. Counselling, Group therapy etc. The reason for the addiction maybe unknown, but you may end up with answers that you won't like. You stated "watching those other women". He probably only sees them as photos, as a way to alleviate his sexual frustrations. What happened in your lives 8 years ago?

Jack B. Badd

girl_friday wrote: »

Could you use one of those parental control programmes so he can't access porn but can still use the net??

I was thinking a NetNanny program would remove the source of temptation too but tbh that's not going to solve the underlying problem. Also, it's tantamount to treating a grown man like a child.

desperate

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

I was thinking a NetNanny program would remove the source of temptation too but tbh that's not going to solve the underlying problem. Also, it's tantamount to treating a grown man like a child.

I completely agree with you. I don't want to patronise him and treat him like a child. And no, it won't solve the problem.

Crannog

I wonder if your bf would be willing to address his addiction? If so, inernet port addiction as well as other sexual compulsive behaviours can be address with a professional therapist. Here is a useful site:-

http://www.csa-addictions.ie/Centre/help.html

Best of luck to you both.

rabtazers

Try:

http://www1.k9webprotection.com/

and

http://www.opendns.com

These are ways of filtering web content, you can use one or both. Keep the passwords yourself. There are ways of getting around them but they are a good first step.

Any addictions need to be hit on the head, whatever they are. They are extremely destructive.

miserable

hate to be a downer but he wont change.i went out with,married and had kids with one of those.he will promise anything to shut you up but at the end of the day porn will come first.so you go and block the internet or use a net nanny...he will get dvds and flashdrives and hide them around the house so as soon as your back is turned he can get cracking!he will play the dont you trust me game too.ive had sex 5 times in two years.thats what happens if you marry a porn addict!when your dating he will put up more of a effort to hide his preferences but once the ring is on ...he wont bother.its never failed to surprise me how much w**king can be done as soon as i left the room.yet i always hear the pity me i cant get it up story......imaging every few months finding a new stash and fighting..then getting more promises...
maybe your guy is different maybe i just got unlucky.but be warned if porn is centre of his universe-where do you fit in?
ps im separating from my husband so im a bit bitter!

Jimmy Bottlehead

miserable wrote: »

hate to be a downer but he wont change.i went out with,married and had kids with one of those.he will promise anything to shut you up but at the end of the day porn will come first.so you go and block the internet or use a net nanny...he will get dvds and flashdrives and hide them around the house so as soon as your back is turned he can get cracking!

he will play the dont you trust me game too.ive had sex 5 times in two years.thats what happens if you marry a porn addict!when your dating he will put up more of a effort to hide his preferences but once the ring is on ...he wont bother.

its never failed to surprise me how much w**king can be done as soon as i left the room.yet i always hear the pity me i cant get it up story......imaging every few months finding a new stash and fighting..then getting more promises...
maybe your guy is different maybe i just got unlucky.but be warned if porn is centre of his universe-where do you fit in?
ps im separating from my husband so im a bit bitter!

Clearly.

At least show a bit of sympathy, no-one would ask to be addicted to it.