Asshole co-worker

Captain Slow IRL

How do you deal with co-workers who get on your tits?!
There's a lad at work, he is the most ignorant, self-centered **** I've met in a long time. He's always borrowing tools, nothing special - simple things like screwdrivers and spanners. This guy has a large garage at home (has 3 guys working for him) - his day-job is just so he can keep up with what's happening with current cars. He has his own place fully kitted out with a lot of specialist tools and equipment, but the scabby **** won't buy a few basics for work.
There's a couple of us who take turns going to the shop, to get stuff for the tea and lunch break. When we go at lunch time, we'd be gone for twenty minutes, so only have 10 minutes to eat when we get back. Everyone takes turns - except this tosser. He thinks it's beneath him (he has the exact same job/title as everyone else on the floor) and will come up with any excuse - well, just the one: "I'm busy, can't you go?" He took the biscuit yesterday - it was a busy day, really busy - everyone up their eyes, but this guy was just pottering about - still wouldn't go. I got his back turned and went off without asking him what he wanted - planked the sambo's on the table when I got back and he nearly started crying (they tasted delicious, by the way!)
And the **** did it again today:mad: He was like a retarded child going around, telling us not to forget him.
We're kinda wary of saying anything to him - he's "best buds" with the boss (kinda like David Brent and Garth Keenan in the office, and that's no exageration:() and the ****er says everything back to him.
Rant over.

Vain

Next time he wants to borrow a tool, Just tell him his a tool and go play with himself:D

krpc

Screwdrivers and spanners? Sounds more like hairbrushes and thongs from the bitchiness going. You really work in a salon don't you? :pac:

Captain Darling

Sounds like a bit of a...............

Insect Overlord

You've got two options as I see it:
PI is ---> that way
The BGRH bar is <---- that way

You should trick this guy into sending his parents out to a field to look after an injured pony, only for them to be caught trespassing by an armed farmer who shoots trespassers on sight, on the day before a big chili festival...

drunkmonkey

Do what my brother did, Hit him a shot in the jaw and get the both of ye fired....

cooperguy

Micmclo you have missed the point he does want to be involved. He gives them his order every day without actually ever going to the shop himself

Captain Slow IRL

An Fhile wrote: »

You've got two options as I see it:
PI is ---> that way
The BGRH bar is <---- that way

You should trick this guy into sending his parents out to a field to look after an injured pony, only for them to be caught trespassing by an armed farmer who shoots trespassers on sight, on the day before a big chili festival...

This isn't a personal issue - just an annoyance, didn't think it'd fit in bgrh bar!

Captain Slow IRL

i-bloodhound wrote: »

Screwdrivers and spanners? Sounds more like hairbrushes and thongs from the bitchiness going. You really work in a salon don't you? :pac:

How's it bitchiness? Everyone pulls their weight and lends a hand - except this ****er.

randylonghorn

Captain Slow IRL wrote: »

We're kinda wary of saying anything to him - he's "best buds" with the boss (kinda like David Brent and Garth Keenan in the office, and that's no exageration:() and the ****er says everything back to him.

Use this to fill him full of believable sh1t to feed back and make himself look stupid.

He sounds like a prat tbh, why should you all be his sandwich boys, apart from anything else.

If you REALLY want to be evil, this thread and the word "mayonnaise" may give you some ideas ... >_>

krpc

Captain Slow IRL wrote: »

How's it bitchiness? Everyone pulls their weight and lends a hand - except this ****er.

Your colleague running to the boss blabbing is the bitchiness - was not meant in relation to yourself. I'd personally break spanner off the spanner's head

trout

If everyone else independently decides to bring in a packed lunch, what with the current economic climate and all, then there is no scheduled sandwich run ... he'll have to paddle his own canoe.

Tough tumshie.

MCMLXXXIII

Well I don't know much about where you work, but where I work it is very structured - and everything (and I mean everything) is based on "Grade Band." If you are at the same level, you take turns and you don't do (too many) favors.

In my group we have two lists worked out - one for birthdays and one for buns/muffins/etc. in the mornings. Everyone takes turns buying the muffins and buns in the morning, and a list is published so everyone knows whose turn it is (including who missed). Also, someone buys you a cake on your birthday, and you buy a cake for the next person's birthday.
You aren't forced to participate in either list, but if you don't buy the buns or cakes - you aren't allowed to eat any either.

Also where I work we keep our tools put away and our cabinets locked. If someone needs to borrow them then that's too bad and they need to be prepared to work. There's even a poster on the back wall saying "Last minute planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." Just tell your coworker that you need to use that tool soon as part of the next project you are doing. If you do end up giving him your tool to use, have no fear or doubt that you can take it back at any time...even if he is in the middle of a project. It's your tool and he's lucky you let him use it for even that long.

It doesn't matter that he is friends with the boss, because you have a perfectly good excuse for not giving him your tools - you are busy at work using them. In fact, you are so busy that sometimes you don't even have time to get him lunch.

(You and your coworkers need to stick together in order for this to work)

Captain Slow IRL

trout wrote: »

If everyone else independently decides to bring in a packed lunch, what with the current economic climate and all, then there is no scheduled sandwich run ... he'll have to paddle his own canoe.

Tough tumshie.

In theory, that sounds great - like communism It was tried but didn't work out.

EDIT - There were a few days, because of certain circumstances, where no-one was there to go to the shop (holidays, etc.) and the fecker went all day without food - he had an idea what it was going to be like, and he still didn't bring anything in for himself.

Wurly

Tell him to stop being a moany little b1tch. If he wants a sambo, tell him to get off his fat arse and get it himself.

He's only acting this way because people let him away with it.

SV

Sounds like a right dickhead alright.

Some workplace bullying is in order.
all mental stuff of course, can't have him crying back to the boss

pablomakaveli

If ye want rid of him you should get your co-workers to start ignoring him.

for example ye could avoid talking to him as much as possible and sit away from him at lunch.etc

maybe then the little geebag will get the hint and shag off.

Reesy

Hi, do your other sandwich-fetching colleagues get annoyed with him? If you make a stand will they do likewise? Can you and your mates just slag him until he gets the message?

I get the sense that you're the only one who's really annoyed about the situation. So what would get your friends to see it your way? If you brought your own sandwiches in for a week, what would happen?

There's a good book called 'Assertiveness at work' by Ken & Kate Back. Have a read of it.

Captain Slow IRL

I'm not the only one who gets annoyed, although not all of them do.

Regarding assertiveness @ work - you have to shout a lot of the time and be agressive,(just seems to come with the job!) there's a lot of distractions with co-workers and you have to make sure you have their attention when the situation arises. Everyone exchanges harsh words, but it's all brushed off and we're all friends 5 minutes later.

This guy is constantly nice though - "please, thank you" etc. It's kinda hard to find an opening to unleash the rage. (Starting to think this thread would be more suited in the Angry Bastard forum!)

FlutterinBantam

Just give him the nib of your boot up the hole if he starts whinging.

Otherwise ignore the fcuker.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Play it gay and fondle his trsticles. Never fails*

*Just make ABSOLUTELY sure he's straight first

biko

1. Tell him: "Just go to the fecking shop! Everyone has to take their turn, you too!"
2. Make plans so that you go Mondays, him Tuesdays, someone else Wednesdays and so on. This way he has to go.
3. Have sandwiches delivered to work.
4. Moan but do nothing.

MagicMarker

You do realize they sell bread in the shops nowadays? Make your own bleeding sambos, if i had a 30 minute break i wouldn't spend 20 minutes of it commuting just to get the god damn food!!

Overheal

Captain Slow IRL wrote: »

How do you deal with co-workers who get on your tits?!
There's a lad at work, he is the most ignorant, self-centered **** I've met in a long time. He's always borrowing tools, nothing special - simple things like screwdrivers and spanners. This guy has a large garage at home (has 3 guys working for him) - his day-job is just so he can keep up with what's happening with current cars. He has his own place fully kitted out with a lot of specialist tools and equipment, but the scabby **** won't buy a few basics for work.
There's a couple of us who take turns going to the shop, to get stuff for the tea and lunch break. When we go at lunch time, we'd be gone for twenty minutes, so only have 10 minutes to eat when we get back. Everyone takes turns - except this tosser. He thinks it's beneath him (he has the exact same job/title as everyone else on the floor) and will come up with any excuse - well, just the one: "I'm busy, can't you go?" He took the biscuit yesterday - it was a busy day, really busy - everyone up their eyes, but this guy was just pottering about - still wouldn't go. I got his back turned and went off without asking him what he wanted - planked the sambo's on the table when I got back and he nearly started crying (they tasted delicious, by the way!)
And the **** did it again today:mad: He was like a retarded child going around, telling us not to forget him.
We're kinda wary of saying anything to him - he's "best buds" with the boss (kinda like David Brent and Garth Keenan in the office, and that's no exageration:() and the ****er says everything back to him.
Rant over.

This sounds like an Episode of American Chopper. in which case you just yell at eachother until one of you cries and then you both tell the other how much you love them.

Really, I'd just haze the hell out of them until they either break under pressure or get with the program.

ncmc

Next time he asks to borrow your tool tell him you need it for 'yore ma'

*sorry, had to be done.

Would it not make more sense to buy your sarnies in the morning on the way in and then you'd have a leisurely 30mins to eat your lunch? You'll give yourself indigestion or an ulcer eating so fast so you will!

Captain Slow IRL

Ikky Poo2 wrote: »

Play it gay and fondle his trsticles. Never fails*

*Just make ABSOLUTELY sure he's straight first

Haha - it could go either way!

Bob the Builder

Dude, all the suggestions are brilliant, but unless you actually have the boss on your side(which you don't), well then your fúcked from every angle.

Captain Slow IRL

The sad thing is that the relationship the 2 of them have is the exact same as in The Office, but more cringeworthy. The boss is absolutely useless, I've never met someone to shirk so many responsibilites - it's amazing the idiots get these jobs in the first place.
The only consolation is the fact that the co-workers are about the soundest I've ever worked with.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Captain Slow IRL wrote: »

The sad thing is that the relationship the 2 of them have is the exact same as in The Office, but more cringeworthy. The boss is absolutely useless, I've never met someone to shirk so many responsibilites - it's amazing the idiots get these jobs in the first place.
The only consolation is the fact that the co-workers are about the soundest I've ever worked with.

So what you do then is memorise a few choice lines from the office and keep using them at apt oppertunities. And all three of you leearn to do the David Brent dance and synchoronise it so you all start doing at the same time, but in different parts of the workshop.

Simple - what do you need us for?

giggsy664

Simple solution? Don't buy him his lunch. If he gives you money, give it to one of those charity boxes

Slidey

Next time he comes over and askes "have y0u a 17 spanner?"

Say yeah... and keep looking at him.

Natural response is then for him to ask.. well can I have it?

Then just tell him, no because if you have then I dont..

Or be really blunt and say
"Did some cnut write snap-on rep on my forehead again last night?"

I got a sticker for my tool box, it says Please dont ask to borrow my tools as the phrase Fcuk off often offends

Captain Slow IRL

slideways wrote: »

I got a sticker for my tool box, it says Please dont ask to borrow my tools as the phrase Fcuk off often offends

Where did you get it?!

Slidey

I got it in a pokey little shop in London a few years ago.

Should have bought a few, mos people who see it want one!

Alter-Ego

Put laxatives in his sandwiches tbh.

trout

Alter-Ego wrote: »

Put laxatives in his sandwiches tbh.

horse laxatives

4zn76tysfajdxp

Spit in his sandwiches ffs

ejmaztec

In the spanner-lending auto-industry, you should keep a special set of cheap spanners, all half-sawn through, so that under pressure, they will snap. When the borrower has broken a few fingers and knuckles, he'll probably get the message.

Failing that, you can always get him the sack by loosening a sump-plug on one of his jobs, so that the engine siezes on a test-drive.

Captain Slow IRL

trout wrote: »

horse laxatives

Hahaha:D

ejmaztec wrote: »

In the spanner-lending auto-industry, you should keep a special set of cheap spanners, all half-sawn through, so that under pressure, they will snap. When the borrower has broken a few fingers and knuckles, he'll probably get the message.

Failing that, you can always get him the sack by loosening a sump-plug on one of his jobs, so that the engine siezes on a test-drive.

You sound like an old lecturer of mine!

ejmaztec

Captain Slow IRL wrote: »

You sound like an old lecturer of mine!

No, not a lecturer, just a long association with arse-holes in a lot of industries, coupled with a warped sense of revenge.

Slidey

ejmaztec wrote: »

In the spanner-lending auto-industry, you should keep a special set of cheap spanners, all half-sawn through, so that under pressure, they will snap. When the borrower has broken a few fingers and knuckles, he'll probably get the message..

Awesome.

If ever i go back to actually using my spanners everyday, i'm gonna get a lidl special 9.99 set for this very purpose.

Will prob file a mill off the jaws of every one so whoever borrows them takes the sides off the bolt with the first twist!

Overheal

spit sammich. extra mayo.

Captain Slow IRL

I haven't gone down through them all yet, but found some stickers

Overheal

Or you could always run an electric current through your toolbox. That'll really screw him up.

Slidey

http://www.chopperstickers.com/Warning-If-You-Value-Your-Life-As-Much-As-I-Value-These-Tools-pr-110.html
this one should do the trick

or this one
http://www.realoco.com/product.php?productid=1067&cat=8&page=1

hallelujah

Tri wrote: »

Tell him to stop being a moany little b1tch. If he wants a sambo, tell him to get off his fat arse and get it himself.

He's only acting this way because people let him away with it.

True. Easier said than done though.