Update!

Uh Oh!

Ok. Here’s my last thread from awhile back:


http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055352316

Not as lost as I was but looking for direction!
Since then I’ve cleaned up my act alot since then and copped on to some extent. Drinking very little and staying out of trouble so feeling much better and stronger for that. Haven’t gone for relationship counselling though.

But I think I want to leave my husband. So that’s two sets of problems (at least).


First, me and him have a good relationship in many ways so its hard to believe that I want to leave. Its hard for me to have strength in this conviction. But I feel like we are just friends. I’m thirty four years old so its hard to think of starting again. I had an affair as you know and that’s over a good while but the guy has made it clear he is still there for me. So even though I feel like I want to be on my own for a fresh start (and probably wouldn’t even let the other go know I was single until I was well settled on my own & straight in my head alone – if ever) I don’t know if the fact that knowing he is there is clouding my judgement and affecting how I am about my other half.
Also (try to hold back on the ‘people like you shouldn’t have babies’ stuff, I have taken that on board but...) at my age maybe if I leave my husband neither him or me will ever have a family. I still feel like could be great mother (or him great father?) and that is very important to me. Also I am an only child so would let a lot of people down if not though I know my family would never say that out straight. This is a very big and important issue for me.
So I don’t know if leaving him is right thing to do. We love and care for each other but barely have sex anymore. Spark is gone.



Second, for the life of me I do not know how to break up with him. My instinct is to always try to ‘make things better for him’. I will make sure he ok for money & try to help as much as possible. He has already fought for our relationship this year, I can't bear to hurt him again.
We’ve been together for a very long time, though we live very separate lives, and as a person I love him more than anyone in the world. It would be easier if I believed I was absolutely doing the right thing but ?



I just need to talk/think this out and can’t really confide in anyone right now as to a lot of people it probably looks like I/ we already have it all.
Thankyou.

Princess Leia

Hi, sorry this is still an issue for you. I was married nearly 20years to a man who like you never really was content with me.He too drank heavily but even when that stopped he still never felt like we were right together. He left recently and I am happier than I was before(even though I loved him). We had kids but that only made things harder..highlighted the problems.I feel he was very cruel to start a family with me when he never planned to stay(he only admitted that after he left).So if that's still on the agenda please please don't do it. If you don't want him let someone else have him. My ex is amazed that I am moving on...your hubby will too.
As for the other man,I would be a bit wary of a man who has got involved with you while you are married...are you sure he's not a player? I hope you can make a decision one way or the other and not waste yours and DH's lives any longer.

unhappycamper

Surely you could have focused the attention you were getting from some other guy on your husband? Could you have not worked on the 'spark' factor? I am not married so maybe I must be married to understand. Surely a marriage is about commitment no?

I am going to tell you this straight out because from what I have read you are not taking the marriage seriously and you are of intolerable selfishness when it all boils down to it. Why did you marry this man?? Go back to why you married him and start from there.

Sounds so sad the entire situation but it is impossible to sympathize with you.

My advise is tell him you have ruined the marriage and that you can't love him anymore as a husband and be done with it, he deserves better. Poor bloke I hope he is able to pick up the pieces and move on.

Surely in marriage sex, money, support, flings and children all come second to the commitment factor????

Princess Leia

Unhappy camper, I respect what you're saying about the extra-marital thing but OP is not proud of it at all. I really do think if OP is genuinely unhappy with her DH then there will always be the temptation to stray.Of course it's not ok to cheat but sometimes it's a symptom not a cause.
Nobody likes to divorce but to be honest it was the kindest thing my DH did even though it hurt like hell..maybe it will be the same for her DH?

unhappycamper

Princess Leia wrote: »

Unhappy camper, I respect what you're saying about the extra-marital thing but OP is not proud of it at all. I really do think if OP is genuinely unhappy with her DH then there will always be the temptation to stray.Of course it's not ok to cheat but sometimes it's a symptom not a cause.
Nobody likes to divorce but to be honest it was the kindest thing my DH did even though it hurt like hell..maybe it will be the same for her DH?

Yes it may be the case that moving on is the best solution. The husband never said he wanted a divorce because of the affair did he? He is standing strong morally by the sound of things and I have allot of respect in this world for people like that. From what I have read the OP has failed this marriage not the symptoms. Symptoms can be treated once diagnosed so maybe some regressive therapy might help the OP to go back to why she loved her husband in the first place, worth a try as opposed to ending everything or bringing an innocent baby into a destructive marriage scenario.

Princess Leia

Yes it could be with couselling they could work it out you are right about that. I too have a lot of respect for someone who would work through infidelity.And yes commitment is the main issue,but it seems like OP has already made up her mind to leave her marriage and is only staying because she feels bad about leaving. I just think from my own experience of the one being left that if you're gonna do it then do it before there's kids to consider.The other person will get over you, the sun doesn't rise and shine out of you.

unhappycamper

Princess Leia wrote: »

Yes it could be with couselling they could work it out you are right about that. I too have a lot of respect for someone who would work through infidelity.And yes commitment is the main issue,but it seems like OP has already made up her mind to leave her marriage and is only staying because she feels bad about leaving. I just think from my own experience of the one being left that if you're gonna do it then do it before there's kids to consider.The other person will get over you, the sun doesn't rise and shine out of you.

Yes I agree 100%

SnowMonkey

I Don't know how much help I can be to you but il give this a shot...


maybe you need to forget about the sex right now. Try doing stuff togeather, and like winters coming so go ice skateing... good way of getting touchy feely with some one.. that kind of thing and make the effort to do stuff togetaher and share....

why do you want to leave him is it the, sex? but maybe you booth feel lonely in the reletionship and need to prograss things with each other and talk and stuff if your booth living different lives how can you expect to have all th ethings that you want, I think I mean shareing and talking and romance. thats what creates a spark you can try but right now you wont get any where you need to recindle the passion that was once there.....

Me personally Im in the situation where i aint got a gf but these are the important things well the things i would base a propper reletionship on sharing etc if theres none of that well it would be a contradiction and Id probably feel Numb.....


if i said what some one else said im sorry

Uh Oh!

Hi folks. Thanks for the sensitive and thoughtful replies. Its certainly food for thought. I'm a bit of a coward when it comes to... well just about everything really.
But doing something must be better than do nothing. Right now I can't even visualise the 'break up' chat (should it come to that...) but I can't keep letting both our lives pass like this....

Wagon

Uh Oh! wrote: »

Hi folks. Thanks for the sensitive and thoughtful replies. Its certainly food for thought. I'm a bit of a coward when it comes to... well just about everything really.
But doing something must be better than do nothing. Right now I can't even visualise the 'break up' chat (should it come to that...) but I can't keep letting both our lives pass like this....

Best advice i can give is to just walk up and do it as soon as possible. Means then that it gets out of the way faster and then he won't be wasting a minute more of his time with you. Glad to see you've made steps in the right direction but you have some serious growing up to do. I also notice this:

I had an affair as you know and that’s over a good while but the guy has made it clear he is still there for me.

So? He had an affiar with you knowing that you were married, he's just as bad.

Don't bring a child into this. You are in no position to raise a child whether you like it or not and it would just highlight your selfishness if you did have a child "for you". What about the child? Would you like to have been raised in a lovelesss house?