3 of us in this marriage?

LegacyUser

My wife has a friend she met through work a couple of years ago who she has become v close to (at times I think a little too close actually but that's another post!!). The problem is that it feels at times like there's 3 of us in this marriage. This girl seems to be there for everything we do including going on a sun holiday with us last month. This girl is single and I can understand my wife wanting to include her in things but she has lots of other friends too (at times I feel my wife is a little jealous of them). Sometimes I even feel other people find it all a bit strange, my family raised a few eyebrows when they heard the 3 of us were off on hols together and would be sharing an apt, although they didn't say anything. Girls, on the whole hols thing, would you be happy going on a holiday with your hubby & best friend if you knew she would be topless?

Before I don't think any of this would have bothered me but to be honest we don't have a great marriage (thats another V long post but you can probably guess the main points) and I reckon it's taking it's toll. I moved here, basically to be with my wife who was my gf at the time, and she was v posessive and it was difficult for me to make friends (something I desperately want to fix now) so maybe I've lost touch with what it means to have a close friend. To lay my cards on the table I 've had feelings for this girl at one point especially after she was there for me at a low point in our marriage and to be honest she would be exactly the type of girl I'd marry but I don't have feelings for her that way any more. I just don't know in all this if I'm being overly jealous and unreasonable or if maybe the boundaries are wrong. I'm not really looking for answers more really to get views on whether I am being unreasonable or if people would feel the same if they were me.

dan_d

Setting aside whether or not you have felings for her....she must have some neck going on holiday with only the 2 of you.It's a bit weird.Most people if even asked to go on a holiday like that would say no you're okay.If she was a sister or something, then maybe...but,yeah, hearing that story, my automatic reaction is it's a bit weird.

SpookyDoll

I dont think you've lost touch with what its like having a close friend at all. And I think your sense that the boundaries are wrong is right on the money.

You say your wife was possesive and this caused problems with you being able to make friends, so in a way she isolated you. Then she brings in this third person into your life, so you've no friends because of her but its ok for her to have a friend, a friend who is around too much and invading the privacy of your relationship. Seems she is making a lot of unilateral decisions.

I like my BF's friends, but there is no way I would allow one of them to come on holiday with us. Its just never gonna happen.

Another thing, yer one -are you saying she was there topless in front of ya and the wife didn't mind. That doesn't bode well. Its almost like she (wife) doesn't care.

I wouldn't be comfortable with my other half seeing one of my friends topless.
It sound like your wife has a bit too much control of the whole relationship tbh.

LegacyUser

SpookyDoll wrote: »

Another thing, yer one -are you saying she was there topless in front of ya and the wife didn't mind.

Yeah she was. They were both very relaxed about it (although she did ask my wife before we went if she'd mind), I don't want it to seem the whole topless thing is a big issue cause it's not really just another symptom I guess. I think when everybody else seems to regard something as perfectly normal you're left thinking it must be you that has the problem (which is why I posted). Maybe this wouldn't be such an issue if things were better in other ways but there were times when I really started to think I was cracking up in finding these things strange, guess I don't really have a yardstick at the moment

Oryx

...if you knew she would be topless?

This has my attention. Forget about other womens views, you thought to mention it here, so its a big issue for you. Bringing another woman who goes topless on holiday seems to be a problem. You also say you are/were attracted to this lady, so having her constantly around, especially in such a full on and open way, must be confusing when youre already in a shaky marriage.

Have you talked to your wife about all of this (ok, leave out the feelings for someone else bit), about how you feel crowded by this woman?

Your own feelings of isolation and not having a friend are not your wifes responsibility though, no matter how she herself behaves. Its up to you to get yourself out of that solitary rut.

SpookyDoll

"My wife has a friend she met through work a couple of years ago who she has become v close to (at times I think a little too close actually but that's another post!!). "

"This girl is single and I can understand my wife wanting to include her in things but she has lots of other friends too (at times I feel my wife is a little jealous of them"

Hmmm........have you ruled out the obvious OP ?

Miss Fluff

SpookyDoll wrote: »

"My wife has a friend she met through work a couple of years ago who she has become v close to (at times I think a little too close actually but that's another post!!). "

"This girl is single and I can understand my wife wanting to include her in things but she has lots of other friends too (at times I feel my wife is a little jealous of them"

Hmmm........have you ruled out the obvious OP ?

That was my first thought too. Are you sure they aren't having an affair OP?

von Neumann

Why not go on holidays with friends??

I'd have no problem with my GF bringing a friend on holidays,

I've rarely gone of holidays as just a couple, would normal go with friends or another couple.

And let face it, if your marriage is not great, it might be good to have another person around.

I think your getting two issues confused, The state of your marriage, and your wife's friends,

These are seperate issue and need to be dealt with separately.

SpookyDoll

Are you the same unreggdhubby from a while back whose wife wouldn't put out for some mysterious reason?

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. At one stage I did think they were having an affair for lots of reasons (was almost certain) but not so sure now, no way of ever really knowing anyway. After a while I just put this down to this is how girls who are close friends act. I reckon though if I ever gave her an ultimatum of the friend or me I wouldn't be too sure of coming out the winner. I know this isn't a good situation and deep down I guess I know what I should do but for now it would be enough to know whether this is normal or if I'm being unreasonable (which is fine if I am cause then at least I'll know to cop on and get over it)

LegacyUser

To be honest von Neumann I'm actually disappointed in myself for having a problem with it in many ways and the friend is actually easy to be around I just found it a bit strange that wife didn't even think there was anything even remotely strange about it (and maybe there isn't).

And yes Spooky Doll....afraid I am (sad or what!!)

SpookyDoll

Ah, not at all UnReggdHubby, I just remember the thread from my lurking days -I thought I recognised the screen name from somewhere!!!

I really think from all the information in the other thread that there is a very strong probability that your wife is gay (and also reading between the lines here on this thread)

So little bedroom activity with you in 10+ years, her closeness to this friend and her extra possesiveness of the friend point to it.

I think your wife is in a relationship with her alright OP, I think they (the two girls) are in the relationship and you are "the friend"

cafecolour

I'd second what most people are saying, especially with the lack of interest in sex, and say your wife and this girl are more than friends.

If you have kids, it's going to be more complicated, if you have no kids, you might want to consider getting ready to leave. It's tough, but you'll be better off with someone who is properly into you.

Before doing so, you could also go the extra step and - tastefully as possible - casual drop hints to your wife at a possible threesome with the close friend. Yall already are functioning as one in someways, so it could move into a full on real one for a while. Not for everyone, and all parties need to be pretty honest for it to sustain for anytime, but who knows.

bnagrrl

I go on hols with my boyf, I go on hols with my friends. I'd never combine the two.
I go away with my b/f to get away from the humdrum of everyday life and also to get some quality time with him. Bringing a friend along would be out of the question.
If I want to go away with friends then we organise a girly weekend or something (NO BOYS ALLOWED! ) after all absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I think if your wife is bringing this friend along then... either they're having an affair or your marrage is over and your wife doesn't know how to tell you so if using the friend to put some distance between you two.

Wagon

Divorce her. This is way out of order. Why didn't you bother doing this years ago?

SpookyDoll

"I moved here, basically to be with my wife who was my gf at the time, and she was v posessive and it was difficult for me to make friends (something I desperately want to fix now) so maybe I've lost touch with what it means to have a close friend."

OP, think on......is the reason she doesn't want you having friends so that no-one can point out to you what she is doing?
She has you in a state where you are very probably putting up with being openly cheated on to your face and you are questioning yourself instead of her.

For some reason YOU are feeling guilty about being suspicious, not to mention the other issues shes put you through. She promised you the Earth, Moon and Stars after you really put her back to the wall the last time, she cried and played the martyr when her hubby of 10 years had the temerity to want to discuss having a love life with her......previous to that she sulked if you tried to discuss it....

Like if you weren't so isolated and you were sitting in the pub week after week telling your lad mates whats going on, well, you wouldn't be still in the marriage at all. They'd be all telling you to get the hell away from her. But she has you isolated so left to your own devices you are losing sight of which way is up.....

For some reason this girl wants you in place playing your husbandly role. But by the sounds of things the chatter (friends and family) has already started.

"Sometimes I even feel other people find it all a bit strange, my family raised a few eyebrows when they heard the 3 of us were off on hols together and would be sharing an apt, although they didn't say anything."

There is a very strong possibility that everyone can clearly see what is going on and they are too polite to mention it.

Wagon

SpookyDoll wrote: »

There is a very strong possibility that everyone can clearly see what is going on and they are too polite to mention it.

I'm not.

1. She is taking the piss out of you.
2. She's lying to you and denying you many things in marrage which you have every right to.
3. She's using you as an insurance policy.
4. She's a selfish bitch.
5. She's probably gay

I'm sorry, i try to avoiding making posts like that but you need to open your eyes here and ask yourself why you are staying married to someone like that?! I remember your previous thread as well. I remember the result of that one. It was horrible to read that a nice chap like yourself is being denied all the good things he deserves. Stop being her insurance policy. Divorce her. No more talking about it with her. Walk up to her and say, "we're getting divorced" end of story. It's time you started living your life happily and not waste a second more on this. You're just married to a friend!

nomorebadtown

agreed.

OP this is your only life, here, NOW. Lets say she's not cheating and its all in your head, you are still seem very unhappy and i imagine you will remain so until you change your situation. good luck.

tbh

UnReggdHubby wrote: »

I reckon though if I ever gave her an ultimatum of the friend or me I wouldn't be too sure of coming out the winner. I

better to know tho, right? i mean, if she is up to no good, she's up to no good whether you know it or not. Knowing it isn't going to change the situation, it just means you can deal with it. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, etc.

LegacyUser

My wife did the same thing to me, (actually, no, she had lotsa girlfriends, but no frequent flyers that you'd really take note of as in your case) made me doubt myself, couldn't keep contact with mates, no sweet stuff for literally years at a stretch, belittling and verbally mouthing off constantly, you start to feel like a useless waste of space and can't face being around people. #actually, that maybe sounds different to you as well.... maybe #i'm talking out my tailpipe, and sorry if #i am. too tired to type... here lookadis and answer the questions to yourself as honestly... well.. I mean, who the hell are ya gonna tell, right?
http://www.batteredmen.com/batabuse.htm

LegacyUser

OP - if you are going to go down the road of ultimatums etc, it would be better to equip yourself with as much info as possible before jumping head first.

If it was me, I would take on a private detective for a 2 week period. Better to know what you are walking into. No idea what it costs though.


Good luck.

Mr. Incognito

Not much to be said- I'd agree with the other posts.

I do have one question:

Who is funding these holidays?

You?

Sounds like you are being taken for a ride to give our wife and her lover the social cover and financial support they are leeching away for you.

For gods sake- wake up.

Ring old school/college/family mates and ask can you come stay.

Nevyn

I would not jump to assume that she is having an affiar.
Something is off in your relationship if you wife dreads spending that ammount of time alone with you, it could well be that she tought she would be bored and wanted to bring her friend with her.

What is your relationship with your wife like ?
When was the last time you went out for a date ?
When was the last time you went away for a romantic weekend ?

Fratton Fred

Maybe she wanted to go on holiday, but didn't relish the thought of spending two weeks just the two of you.

This may be a reflection on your marriage as much as anything. I'm not putting the blame on you, but there may be more to this and the third party in question might just be a convenient person she uses to avoid facing up to the facts around your relationship.

Princess Leia

Hi you are dead right to feel uneasy about this. There are two of you in the marriage not three. I have just come out of an unhappy marriage and the thing that bothered me more than anything was the lack of INTIMACY.
There are times when it is nice to hang with a same sex pal but not when it pushes in on your time as a couple.
Also you say that you and this girl were drawn together in the past when you were down. This is a huge red flag. Tell your wife you need to spend time together just the two of you,and possibly get counselling.If she refuses(mine did) then you have no choice but to rethink whether to stay where you are not no.1 to your wife.
Sorry to be brutal.