Family lets me down continuesly

lostirishman

I have posted here in the past. Basically i feel like an outsider to my own family. I am living abroad with my wife and child. We are always the last ones to find out any family news, nothing is ever discussed with us. Everyone else seems to be more important to them. I dont know how i can change things or if anything will ever change. My parents seem to be alien of what is really happening. My wife doesnt feel accepted by my own sisters as part of the family. They never call,email, text message nothing. We do all the calling, emailing, send pictures. I feel angry and letdown by my own brothers, sisters and parents. I just wish for ocne someone would ask how i really am instead of going through the motions. Am i wrong in thinking like this or should i just forget it. No one ever seems to stop and think, if i stand up and speak my opinion am quickly frowned apon for upsetting things.

Craft25

ideally when people become adults the nature of their familial relationships changes, they can become more distant as they begin their own families/relationships, while hopefully still maintaining an inherent trust that each would give 100% to another when the chips are down and support is needed,

one sibling may, for example, be in constant contact with the parents, perhaps relying on them for babysitting duties.. while another could be much more independent and only come home for xmas, looking for help only for major issues,

my opinion from the tone of your comment is that you are still stuck in a childlike frame of mind when it comes to these issues.. "she's spoiled - daddy why does she always get a bigger desert than me", you need to let go of it, in the end i'm sure they love you all equally, perhaps counselling will help you to let go..

There was a famous group of mentally ill people who were completely cured in hospital through talk therapy in the 60's or 70's, then they were released back to the family home - in no time they all sunk back into their mental problems! - Message: the family is not perfect and you have to look after yourself

BeardyGit

I'm pretty sure I remember reading your posts before. Can you share with us whether anything has changed in your approach to your family and this distance thing? Or is this just a repetitive exercise?

I'm not being funny, but I thought a lot was written the last time. I'm trying to understand whether there was any progress or if anything was attempted to resolve your difficulties in relating to a distant family.

Resentment has already shown through in this post - Is this the crux of your issues?

lostirishman

I beg to differ. I have taken alot of things on board and things are great now with my wife and life in general. I am not still living a child like fantasy as one poster mentioned, i was just looking for advice not critisim. I thought this was a place to get advice.

zuroph

lostirishman wrote: »

I beg to differ. I have taken alot of things on board and things are great now with my wife and life in general. I am not still living a child like fantasy as one poster mentioned, i was just looking for advice not critisim. I thought this was a place to get advice.

woh, way to miss the point of the post.

Bob the Builder

lostirishman wrote: »

I beg to differ. I have taken alot of things on board and things are great now with my wife and life in general. I am not still living a child like fantasy as one poster mentioned, i was just looking for advice not critisim. I thought this was a place to get advice.

I know what it's like.

But trust me, you'll often find, where there's a will, there's relatives. Otherwise people don't give two fiddlers about each other. If I was you, I wouldn't even bother ringing them, waste of time.

mayordenis

lostirishman wrote: »

i was just looking for advice not critisim. I thought this was a place to get advice.

they are not mutually exclusive,
nobody told you to leave the country etc. so you can't completely blame everyone else for everyting.
Just like you can't ask a question and then get upset when the answer isn't what you wanted.

Zillah

Sometimes criticism can be advice. Now and then there's a thread where people need nothing more than a swift kick up the arse.

I don't mean you though.

If your family are so disinterested, why do you want to spend time with them? If its become such an issue then maybe you should just accept it and focus on your own family and friends. If your siblings can't be bothered getting in touch then screw them, make you own life, put in effort for people who are worth it.

zuroph

iv moved about 10 miles away from my parents, and i regularily miss the gossip and news because they just forget, they've got their own lives going on too, and out of sight=out of mind. I've said it to my parent numerous times when i eventually find out any news, they apologise, its nothing serious,they just dont think of it. It has proved a bit better now, since iv had a few "jokey" goes at them about it.
as for sending pics etc., it was ur choice to move away. you dont know how busy they might be, if you want to talk to them, contact them, if not, dont. Dont take it personally if they dont find the time to contact you, theres always something to distract them closer to home.

The_Conductor

My family are all over the world. We tried to organise a family "newsletter" that would get regularly sent around by e-mail along with any photographs or other interesting bits and pieces. It takes a lot of effort to keep this up. Some people are more independent- while others are simply closer to each other. Months can go past without anything from some people. People do grow more distant- and physical distance does not help the situation. You cannot simply blame everyone for keeping you out of the loop- you have to constantly make an effort yourself. You also cannot assume that they are delibertly keeping you out of the loop- its so easy to keep telling yourself that you'll call someone tomorrow, or pop them a nice long e-mail when you get a chance. A day turns into a week, into a month- and before long, you're almost strangers to each other.

Its not a case of your family "letting you down continuously"- most probably things simply getting put on the long finger, or people simply forgetting or not thinking to involve you in things, possibly because of the physical distance.

You cannot blame anyone- it takes ongoing continuous effort- and given that you are the one abroad- it will take far more effort on your part than on theirs (as obviously you're not going to be randomly popping around for a drink or to swap dvds etc).

JJJJNR

After I got married, I lived in the same town as my mother and father for two years, and they would regularly drive past my house on the way to work or somewhere. We ( 2 kids, wife) could go weeks if not months without contact from them.

We were the ones to make the effort with phone calls/invites also. While at the same time the rest of the family were lauded on, I would consider my siblings much higher maintenance than I am. There’s no happy ending to this story as we ended up moving away as it was just to much for my wife, she couldn’t understand why they would put one set of children ahead of others.

At the end of the day the thing to remember is parents will mess up your head, its up to you to rise above it, not fall into the "act" that you have been part of all your life. I mean all familys when they get together become actors the brainy, moaner, and lazy ones its like the smurfs. Outside the family unit they are probably really nice people.

What I'm saying is IF you have been looking for their attention all your life, they will expect you to act that way, trust me the other siblings will be in their act also. My advice is to break away, and distance yourself emotionally from the whole unit, that means everyone. Just send birthday cards, Christmas cards etc, and let them know your still alive. Its a hard thing to do esp with your wife and children, but very common thing also.

tomcollins97

lostirishman wrote: »

I have posted here in the past. Basically i feel like an outsider to my own family. I am living abroad with my wife and child. We are always the last ones to find out any family news, nothing is ever discussed with us. Everyone else seems to be more important to them. I dont know how i can change things or if anything will ever change. My parents seem to be alien of what is really happening. My wife doesnt feel accepted by my own sisters as part of the family. They never call,email, text message nothing. We do all the calling, emailing, send pictures. I feel angry and letdown by my own brothers, sisters and parents. I just wish for ocne someone would ask how i really am instead of going through the motions. Am i wrong in thinking like this or should i just forget it. No one ever seems to stop and think, if i stand up and speak my opinion am quickly frowned apon for upsetting things.

How far from home are you living? How long have you been away from home?

In my situation is that there are two of us ‘kids’. I stayed in the family home for about 8 years after my sibling left. They got on with their life, didn’t have to be so concerned with aging parents, redundancies, cancer and other not so nice family issues. Help & support was not always given when I needed it, & even though my sibling is in a well paid ‘job for life’ financial support was never offered. When I suggested taking the parents on a weekend break, to give them something to look forward to, I got the stock answer of ‘I cannot afford it, mortgage to pay…’ etc. They are married with joint alary of 120k and live outside Dublin. The week after that suggestion, a new laptop & display case for crystal was purchased. The reason for not being able to afford to bring my parents away was because of saving to go on safari for 1st wedding anniversary.

This has made be very angry with my sibling. My parents gave 20 years & that is seemingly worth nothing. Now, I am not saying that your situation is anything like this, but maybe the others members of the family are annoyed & resentful that you have moved far away and can, as such, shirk some of the family responsibility?

G&T

Was living away for 6 years and felt exactly the same as you,
then I moved home this year and things are exactly the same now
that im 5 mins away.

My family like most (imo) have their roles defined early on
we have the organiser,the lazy one,the drama queen,all talk no action,
practical one(me),the poor me and the youngest thinks all of the above are nuts and we see him at christmas.

You should know what your family dynamic is by now.

Know ur place,dont morph into someone else because you live away or your wife thinks you should,

Do your bit to stay in touch,

neuro-praxis

I suppose you have a few options.

1. Accept that this is the way that they are and be satisfied with that. Continue to make contact with them at your own pace and invest in the relationships, understanding that the same investment will not be returned. Concentrate on your own little family and building up a network of friends around you.
2. Talk to each of them about how you feel in a measured way, and hope for some change. The change might not come, and in fact it might cause arguments, bringing you back to point 1. But they might take you seriously too, and make more of an effort. They might simply not realise what they are doing.
3. Move home and be closer. Sometimes out of sight out of mind is very real.

Remember - you cannot make anyone (not even your family) like you or accept you. You cannot force people into relationships with you if they aren't interested - you are only humiliating yourself.

You need to make your peace with this issue one way or the other. I would say you are very hurt by this. But you need to be able to learn to like yourself, even in the face of rejection from family.

Good luck.

marti101

I think as well people move away and are surprised that the people back home move on as well.Your wife and child are your family now your parents are secondary maybe they dont things on purpose or maybe they realise you are an adult with a family and they dont have the same rights anymore.I really think at this stage they arent going to change so [a]you get completely bogged down and depressed cause they never sent pictures of the canary or you grow up and get on with your life and keep in contact whenever it happens.They will always be your parents but dont forget they have a life as well so maybe cut them slack

cafecolour

To be blunt, that's basically what happens to 95% of people when they move away from the family. You've got to do all the legwork, but then you made the choice to move away. It happened to me, I've just become used to doing the calling and the contacting, and once you accept it you really stop being bothered by it.

Finally, make sure you've got a fulfilling social life and the like in your new location - that to me is the biggest cause of problems, since if you're not getting enough where you are, you're going to be wanting more of it from back home and getting more bitter from it.