partners

LegacyUser

Well got asked the dreaded question and managed to avoid answering it but feel it will come up again. new girlfriend has told me she has had 4 partners. i am 38 and have had over 200.All with protection and most were just flings. should i tel her the truth. will she think i am a slapper

LegacyUser

Do NOT tell her.

I was in the exact same position as you (female 37 -have had about 100 partners) all safe sex, to me a big "so what"...

However when I got with my current partner I nearly died of shock to realise I was only his 5th......

I have kept the number vague deliberately, he doesnt ask and I dont tell. I would highly reccommend you do the same, there is nothing to be gained from telling the truth in this case.

I reckon there are 2 types of people in the world, those like us for whom sex is something fun and as quickly forgotton as a meal and those who attach all sorts of meaning and relevance to every kiss/cuddle and shag.

I dont think one type will ever understand the other so leave well enough alone.

Karen_*

Dear modern man. You are 38! What do you think you should do?

I am of course just half kidding. Tone the number down if it makes you feel more comfortable. I wouldn't be impressed at being told 200. don't care what people do to be honest but if I'm to go out with them then that's different.

McGinty

Hi Modern man

I would add that your past is your past, you could tell your girlfriend that you have always had safe sex, if she is asking out of health concerns you could offer to have a test done, but state that the whole how many question makes you feel uncomfortable. Like other posters here I have been asked and have said I don't want to go into the whole numbers thing but that I have had quite a few.

STUBBORNGIRL

i would go down the following line

(idea from the book - the naughty girls guide to life by Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Sharon Marshall)

If they were one night stands they dont count

If you never knew their second name they dont count

If they dumped you they dont count

If they didnt meet your parents they dont count

If they werent long term relationships they dont count

So basically any girl that was a long term relationship whom you dumped are all that should be counted!! That should bring it down to a single figure!! IF not then shame on you!

Disclaimer: I do not condone telling lies but sometimes i believe that holding back the truth has a better outcome than the reality of the situation!!

Good Luck to you and i hope i wasnt one of those 200

STUBBORNGIRL

STUBBORNGIRL wrote: »

i would go down the following line

(idea from the book - the naughty girls guide to life by Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Sharon Marshall)

If they were one night stands they dont count

If you never knew their second name they dont count

If they dumped you they dont count

If they didnt meet your parents they dont count

If they werent long term relationships they dont count

So basically any girl that was a long term relationship whom you dumped are all that should be counted!! That should bring it down to a single figure!! IF not then shame on you!

Disclaimer: I do not condone telling lies but sometimes i believe that holding back the truth has a better outcome than the reality of the situation!!

Good Luck to you and i hope i wasnt one of those 200

I suppose they still "don't count" if you caught an STD too?
Call me crazy but I don't think deliberately lying to or misleading someone is a good foundation for a relationship.
"I'm uncomfortable with discussing it" is one matter, deliberately jumping the truth through hoops so you can come up with an entirely arbitrary number is another

I would add that your past is your past, you could tell your girlfriend that you have always had safe sex, if she is asking out of health concerns you could offer to have a test done, but state that the whole how many question makes you feel uncomfortable.

I'd second this
I wouldn't see a problem with telling her the figure though as long as the health part of it is emphasised but I suppose some women may take it the wrong way

ibarelycare

I hate this question and I don't see why it's important! (Maybe because I'm ashamed of my number ) It was a big issue with my ex, he used to throw my big number in my face when we were arguing. However it's never come up with my current boyfriend. We were at a house party once and there was someone there who I'd been with before. Some smart-arse passed some "hilarious" comment to try and make me feel uncomfortable and later my boyfriend told me that things like that are in the past and there's no point in dwelling on things that happened before he met me.

But I guess there's no point in telling your gf all that OP! Hell you gotta lie!

zuroph

If you tell her you've had over 200 partners, rest assured, there'll be a thread on here in two days entitled "OVER 200 PARTNERS?!?" with a should i leave him or not content!!

tone it down to 30-50 tops.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

I suppose they still "don't count" if you caught an STD too?
Call me crazy but I don't think deliberately lying to or misleading someone is a good foundation for a relationship.
"I'm uncomfortable with discussing it" is one matter, deliberately jumping the truth through hoops so you can come up with an entirely arbitrary number is another


I'd second this
I wouldn't see a problem with telling her the figure though as long as the health part of it is emphasised but I suppose some women may take it the wrong way

Pardon me but if a guy told me he had 200 partners i would run for the hills! so there are times when misleading someone is the only option! What the heart dont know, it cant feel! sometimes there are times in life when you just have to hold back the truth! this doesnt make you unfaithful - if anything it is showing consideration for your other half!!

Op you could try saying "i have been with a few but i dont really dont think that matters! whats past is past - i live for the future

I wouldnt ask a man how many partners he has had nor would i want to know - do people really have to know every detail about your past anyway???

MIN2511

Why do people care about numbers? Like this isn't the 40's......

Modern man, this should be your reply
"Dear modern woman, i like you very much, i don't care about how many men/women you've been with as long as you are with me now."

LegacyUser

Another issue is that you can catch some STDs even when having safe sex. HPV and herpes can be contracted even if you're having sex with a condom. There is no test for HPV in males, and herpes isn't typically tested for in usual STD testing. So even though you were safe, your partner really is at a higher risk of catching something.. she should be aware, at least vaguely, of how many people you've slept with, so she knows the risks.

LoanShark

Don't tell her the actual truth..

Just say "Oh I dont know, But it took me a long time to get to you..:o"

However I do like the way Tara Palmer was thinking.. So if that was possible do it that way..

MagicMarker

modern man wrote: »

Well got asked the dreaded question and managed to avoid answering it but feel it will come up again. new girlfriend has told me she has had 4 partners. i am 38 and have had over 200.All with protection and most were just flings. should i tel her the truth. will she think i am a slapper

If you don't care about your number then why hide it?

I have to laugh when someone says ''oh i've been with loads of folk but would never tell my OH the real number''.... What kind of logic is that? If you're happy with the amount of people you've slept with then tell the truth ffs.

Auldloon

Im just a little younger than you and would be around the same number i guess. I have never seen the need to keep this from a potential partner and cant see why i would ever need to. Well with this exception at a local wedding years ago the then girlfriend looked around our table and said "oh god theres 6 women sitting at this table and you have at some stage been with 4 of us" By her tone i gauged it wize not to tell her i had in fact been with the 6 and the bride at the next table!!!

zuroph

MagicMarker wrote: »

If you don't care about your number then why hide it?

eh because its quite probable that she'll care, and dump him.

axer

Ahhh...why do people feel the need to lie? Just be honest. If she doesn't like the number then she shouldn't have asked. It is not good to start out a relationship with lies.

vandermeyde

im my experience people who feel the need to ask this question generally aren't mentally strong enough to deal with a truthful answer if it's on what they consider to be the "high" side...

if you can accept that your partner is a sexual being who has a history and are comfortable with that you generally don't feel the need to ask the question in the first place...

Personally I would just say, "Yes I've slept with people in the past and I've always been safe" and leave it at that.

Giving a number will acheive nothing.

Linoge

axer wrote: »

Ahhh...why do people feel the need to lie? Just be honest. If she doesn't like the number then she shouldn't have asked. It is not good to start out a relationship with lies.

People lie all the time. Honesty in this situation would be rediculous. have you ever seen the film Liar Liar? We lie to save peoples feelings. Should I tell my gf I dont like her earings if she asks? If she gets in a huff with me I can just tell her that she shouldn't have asked if she didn't want to hear an honest answer.

axer

Linoge wrote: »

Should I tell my gf I dont like her earings if she asks?

I would tell my girlfriend I am not too gone on them. It never bothers her since what difference does it make plus if she is buying ear-rings again and wants me to like them then she knows which ones to buy.

Linoge wrote: »

If she gets in a huff with me I can just tell her that she shouldn't have asked if she didn't want to hear an honest answer.

If she gets in a huff that is her fault.

If the OP's girlfriend really wants to know the figure then it is her problem how she deals with it. If she holds it against the OP then she has problems of her own that she shouldn't be taking out on him.

The Corinthian

At first I thought, "tone it down" or "give her a vague answer".

Then it occurred to me, would you really want to be in a relationship with someone who considered it such a big deal?

Tell her the truth and let the cards fall as they may.

Pipette

I Don't think you should tell her..There is a good chance she wont like it and that will be the end of you and her. i Know If i found out my boyfriends number was that high i dont think i would be too impressed. On the other hand she may not actually mind but considering her number was quite low i think she will mind yours!! I wouldnt risk it.

Dragan

Personally it's not a question i ask. I don't think i have ever felt the need.

If i am asked then i answer and if they don't like the answer they should not have asked.

MagicMarker

Linoge wrote: »

People lie all the time. Honesty in this situation would be rediculous. have you ever seen the film Liar Liar? We lie to save peoples feelings. Should I tell my gf I dont like her earings if she asks? If she gets in a huff with me I can just tell her that she shouldn't have asked if she didn't want to hear an honest answer.

haha, did you watch ALL of Liar Liar? That's probably the worst example you could have used.

Linoge

axer wrote: »

I would tell my girlfriend I am not too gone on them. It never bothers her since what difference does it make plus if she is buying ear-rings again and wants me to like them then she knows which ones to buy.

If she gets in a huff that is her fault.

If the OP's girlfriend really wants to know the figure then it is her problem how she deals with it. If she holds it against the OP then she has problems of her own that she shouldn't be taking out on him.

You're missing the point. There are 2 rules for telling your gf the truth. If you are already out and she is unable to change and asks you does this look good on me you always say yes. If she can change and it looks awful you should tell the truth. In this case the OP cannot change his magic number. His gf may have asked him expecting a certain answer "Oh baby, I'm a virgin, I've been waiting for the right girl my whole life and I think thats you!"

MagicMarker wrote: »

haha, did you watch ALL of Liar Liar? That's probably the worst example you could have used.

Yeah, he tells the truth the whole time and gets himself in a world of sht. Then at the end he lies about the number of women he's slept with and lives happily ever after with his new gf. What did I miss??!

Newlifebegin

I'm female & have life experiences if thats what you'd like to call it & whatever you think is best go ahead.... But i'd F**K*N go mad if you told me that amount ......

Say a couple of people.. under 20 ... but you'd rather you get on with your future with ....herself.... as she's the only special one you've ever met & felt so differently about...

only say that if you really mean it...

Gud luck