Long distance relationship dilemma =\

LegacyUser

3 years ago I met this girl online, she's from Boston and I live in Van Nuys california. We started off just being friendly but eventually i developed feelings for her, and later on the feeling was mutual.. eventually we decided to make our relationship "official" and we've been working on this long distance thing for a little over 3 years now.
At first everything was fine, as is the case with new relationships; i was able to overcome the distance problem because just talking to her made me happy. Three years later however, I am no longer satisfied by just talking on the phone or through the internet. In the three years we've been "together" i have been to Boston only twice-- the reason for this being that I work/go to school and can't afford frequent trips out there. And she can't come visit me because she can't afford it and most importantly because she has really religious/ authoritarian parents, who dont even let her stay out late, so her traveling across the country is out of the question. Another problem is, she can't be on the phone with me when her parents are home.. she can't even be online, because her parents are that strict. All the rules and restrictions her parents have on her drive her crazy, and a lot of the time she's trying to find ways to get around her parents' crazy controlling ways, how she can stay out longer etc.. she tries to do things to take her mind off her parents, and spends so much energy trying to escape the prison-like environment her parents create for her that more often than not, she doesnt have time for me. For 3 years I have been patient with these ridiculous restrictions on our relationship, having to hang up mid conversation because her mom came home etc. Very often now, I complain to her that she doesnt make time for me, i email her everyday and she doesn't reply, I call her and get no answer, I write and tell her that I need to talk to her, and she does nothing... i've done this for 3 years, and to no avail. She is 24 years old by the way (crazy right?)
I came back from Boston 2 months ago, I spent two weeks out there and had the best time of my life. She was able to see me after her job let out and even took a few days off to be with me. She was real attentive and affectionate with me, and at the time I felt that the 3 years i've put into this relationship were well worth it.
Since i came back home, it's back to the same old routine. Me calling her and getting no answer. Me emailing her and not getting a reply. Talking for 20 minutes at the most when she's at home, then having to hang up because her dad got home from work. I send her an email every single day and not once do i get a reply.
At this point I'm questioning my decision to be in this relationship. We fight over stupid things all the time, then she ignores me to "punish" me for making her mad, and it drives me insane because I literally have a need to hear her voice everyday.. it is the only thing I can have, I can't see her, I can't touch her, I can only hear her voice, and she takes that away from me and it hurts. When we actually do get on the phone, she's always distracted because she's watching TV or surfing the internet.
I am not happy in this relationship. The situation she's in with her parents will never be resolved until she moves out, and if she moves out she still cant afford to see me because she'll be paying rent and bills. I can afford 1 trip per year, and having to put up with 11 months of stress for a week of heaven is not worth it anymore. The worse part is i'm in love with her, so much so that I know I should break up with her because this situation is NOT going to change anytime soon, but I stay in this relationship, punishing myself because of how strongly I feel for her.
I have bent over backwards for her, I have given her everything I have, and I have done everything to make this relationship work, but nothing improves. Her ex boyfriend left her because she couldn't stay out late/talk on the phone, and I've stuck with her for 3 years and overcome much worse obstacles than that. I don't think she understands how hard it is for me, even though i DO remind her of how difficult it is to be in a relationship with someone who lives so far that isn't allowed to do anything.
Complete honesty is appreciated- what do you assess of my relationship.. what would you recommend.. keeping in mind, that I am aware of how hopeless this is, yet i am absolutely head over heels in love with her.
Thanks for your time.

Karen_*

You said "I am not happy in this relationship" Well that to me is the bottom line. You need to finish it. Read your post back, its never going to work and you've spent three years on it.

I bet if you finish it and break contact that you will instantly feel alot better. But you have to try it to find that out.

LegacyUser

That's really crazy if you ask me. Three years and only seeing her twice max isn't the healthiest of relationships. And the way she hangs up the phone mid convo, because her parents are home, is also crazy. She's 24 for goodness sake. I know you say you're head over heals. But I think thats only because ''Absence makes the heart grow fonder''.

You'll be much happier in a relationship where you can see a girl frequently, and I'm sure theres plenty of girls where you live.

Dan Chipowski

You need to ask yourself how much of this you believe, Have you any proof she is who she says she is?

Have you met her parents?, Did you meet her friends/colleagues when you were in boston?

A lot of people in unhappy relationships, use an 'online' thing as a form of escape, and many find it easy to lie about things. I'm not trying to put her down or doubt her, but you just need to examine the facts and make a reasoned argument.

I was talking to a girl online for 2 years, and we grew so close i left my girlfriend because it wasn't fair how i felt for this 'net' girl. She told me a lot of things, and most of them turned out to be blatant lies, she even had a boyfriend of 5 years, and this was despite us talking on the phone everyday (including christmas day) for 2 years and chatting online everynight.

Only you will know what you want from this, i'd suggest you ask yourself how long you feel you can go on like this, and make your decisions with that in mind.

Dwn Wth Vwls

It sounds a bit like a one sided relationship to me, and perhaps mostly in your head. You're in love with the idea of this girl, and she has so little contact with you that she never does anything to spoil the illusion. I think you probably need to accept that it's not a real relationship and break up. I'm sure it won't be easy, but when you meet someone else you'll realise what you've been missing.

curiosity

From personal experience, falling for someone online is an odd situation. Right now, you're measuring the few weeks of happiness against all the moments where you feel like putting your head through a brick wall. Who knows what this girls feelings are, but the fact is long distance online "relationships" allow a person to create their own version of themselves. At 24, her story seems a bit far-fetched. Are most of your conversations with her focussed on her and her life?

I'll offer a variation on the "break all contact" line. Stop making any of the running. Stop calling her. Stop emailing her. Make plans for your free time, be it watching something on tv you like, heading out etc, and don't break them just because you are chatting with her, just say you've got stuff to do. Be polite, there is no point arguing with her from a distance of thousands of miles. Stop allowing her to dictate things.

If you break off all contact suddenly, then she'll call/email you saying she misses you etc, meaning you'll most likely go straight back to where you are right now. Play your cards more wisely. Get on with the rest of your life, try to meet a woman who isn't a few time zones away. If after a few months of all this you find your interaction with the Boston girl has waned, then at least you'll be more mentally able to accept it's going nowhere.

kaimera

Did 5 years of a LDR -> Ireland v east coast US with the seeing each other one, maybe twice a year for a few weeks or the summer if we got lucky.

Decide if it's worth waiting it out. No one here can tell you it'll work out or it won't.

If you feel you two can make a go at it, then think what you wanna do, else walk away and move on.

Lady Lainy

in about two weeks, me and my boyfriend are celebrating our one year anniversary, he lives in a small town in wicklow, im living in cork, neither of us are flush for cash, and neither of us drive, so we use public transport to see each other, we see each other for a few days about every second week, tho one point we went six weeks without seeing each other that was so tough, but worth it. weather its me going up to him, or he coming down to me its about 6 - 7 hours of travelling, its tough going, but only if BOTH parties put the same effort in it can be a rich worthwhile fulfilling relationship.

purpleash

ive been with an australian guy for almost 6 years, weve done the long distance thing for all that time, only seeing each other twice a year. were now engaged and im movin to oz in jan. The long distance thing can defo work if u want it to but sounds like u have a bit more than the distance to put up with...

AnonoBoy

When you went to see her did you ever go to her house to pick her up or see where she lived? It sounds very very suspect to me that a 24 year old wouldn't be allowed to use the phone but yet is allowed full access to the internet. Are you sure she isn't involved with someone?

If I was you I'd get out. You're not happy and things aren't going to change anytime soon (even if she is telling the truth about everything). Find someone in your own town. You're in college for God's sake - enjoy yourself!

Gyalist

I'm willing to wager that she is hiding a husband/long-term boyfriend from you.

You're not in a relationship, you just have a fantasy in your head. It's the random nature and unpredictability of your interactions with her that is making this hard to break.

You are of college age and live in the one state in the US that some of the most beautiful women gravitate to because of the weather and the chance to break in to the entertainment business, yet you have wasted three years of your life in a pretend relationship. Time to snap out of your daydream and end it. Develop your social skills so that you can meet people at your college/general location, and not have to depend on the anonymity of the internet.

"In the abundance of water, the fool is thirsty".

AARRRGH

Break up with her and get on with your life. It's not even a real relationship. Seriously, you need to find someone in the real world, preferably within visiting distance.

lonelyheart

I've been with my bf for 2 yrs and more than half of that has been LD. I'm a firm believer LDR's can work but both ppl need to make it work, not just one side! I think its important that you both have an idea where the relationship is heading, when you will both be together... and where! its true that the distance seems shorter if you know when you're going to be together next.

I know you're prob tired of hearing this but only u can make the decision about your relationship, but before you do... talk to her about it, let her know you're not happy with how things are right now. I hope things work out ok for you.

Here's a website that has some interesting insights, not sure if it'll help or not.. www.lovingyou.com