Tried and Failed

AMK

Long post. I have been married 15 years. I had a baby boy when I was 20 who lived with my parents. The first four years of my marriage were destroyed by my drinking. I had always had a problem with drink and this was why my child was in my parents care. I became very aggressive and argumentative, had black-outs and basically was an embarrassment and dysfunctional. After four years I faced up to my problems, stopped drinking and started working to improve myself and my life. It was that or lose my husband and children completely. When I was drinking, my husband and I had a pattern of getting on great for a while, then getting irritable and annoyed with each other and finally having an explosive fight. Then the pattern would start all over again. I thought this was because of my drinking.

When I stopped drinking my life changed practically overnight. Except for the first week, I didn't miss drink at all and don't to this day (eleven and half years later). I felt I had a narrow escape and still do. My relationship with my husband, who stood with me through all this, improved over time and two years later we had a baby. Up until our little boy was three, life was really good and we were happy. I got promoted twice at work and started bringing in some decent money. My relationships with my family, and in particular my eldest son, also improved beyond recognition.

Then my husbands mother became unwell and died. Around this time my eldest son came to live with us. During this time, my husband became very angry and would go into really black moods which could last for days and would culminate in a fight. He treated my eldest son really badly, essentially rejected him although he had always said he wanted him to live with us. He started to shout at me, really aggressively which I found difficult to cope with because it was so frightening. I put it down to his grief over his mother and tried to cope. During this time, he stopped talking to me other than to blame me for his lack of career success and accused me of things like only being with him for what I could get out of him. He completely withdrew from me and from the boys. I had to care for my youngest practically on my own and work full-time as well. My eldest son moved out during this time and is doing well for himself now and my relationship with him is good.

Things calmed down after a while but ever since then my husband goes into these moods which can last anything from a few days to several weeks. He glares aggressively at me. He looks like he really hates me. He is very bitter about everything, especially other peoples successes. He does very little in the home. He is sarcastic and biting. He exudes hostility. This builds up and then he explodes in a rage of temper, goes out and gets drunk and seems to be OK for a little while and then off we go again. He has frequently gone out, not called and left us sitting. I find it really difficult to relate to him when he is like this and get really tense waiting for the explosion of rage to come. I try to avoid getting into a fight, avoid him really and feel like I'm walking on eggshells. He blames me for our difficulties, saying I withdrew from him for no reason. This has been going on for the past five years and although at first I blamed myself for his moods and temper, over time I have gotten really fed up. I think at first I felt that after all my bad behaviour I wasn't entitled to complain because the boot was on the other foot. But the past year I started to get really fed up and started feeling that there has to be a limit to how much you have to pay for your mistakes after eleven years.

After the last bout of temper, I told him I was instigating separation proceedings, which I have done. We have spent the summer under the same roof as we sorted things out and made arrangements for the future and he is moving out in a week. The thing is, ever since then he has been really quite gentle and nice, there is no sense of anger from him and he has been exemplary in carrying out his family responsibilities. However, he seems to be quite content that we separate. Sometimes I feel he is looking forward to getting away from us. I am very sad, especially for my youngest son and because I love my husband very much. I feel I have tried very hard to put things right and hold our family together and that I've failed. And I am really puzzled - I just don't understand how it has all gone so wrong. Since I've got my life together he seems to dislike and resent me more and more as the years go by. However, underneath all my grief and upset I feel I have done the right thing as I cannot live with these outburst of rage any longer. I would love some comments as I feel really alone.

Ainekav

Hi, I wasnt going to comment purely because i didnt think i could help, until I read your last sentence.So i'll give it a shot. Your husbands behaviour, as you have recognised, is not on. Im surprised you tolerated it this long.

Yes, you made mistakes in your life, but you sorted yourself out and no one can take that away from you.He sounds extremely bitter. Im concerned about the fact that he continues to go out drinking and getting drunk when you shouldnt really be around that sort of behaviour, imo. The fact that he treats your son badly is inexcusable. i dont know if he is his father or what but if he agreed to accept him thats what he should have done, without question.

Id say that he is behaving himself now, because he is either hoping youll go soft and take him back (not knowing your character i dont know if you would) or maybe he does want to leave. Whichever is true, you are better off without him. That much you and I both know. i realise you still love him, and thats ok, but you cannot abide by this behaviour any longer, its not good for you or your children. This rage and erratic behaviour are frightening you and thats not healthy.

It seems to me that you are still beating yourself up JUST a tiny bit about your early mistakes, and he's not helping. You need to realise that NOW,presently, the problems are his. Youve cleaned up, gotten successful, gotten happy. He has done the opposite, for whatever reasons.So, he resents you and how youve overcome, and he gets angrier and angrier. Therefore, the relationship suffers. Thats my logic anyway-youve prob figured that much out for yourself.

I dont know if your asking a) why it went wrong b) are you doing the right thing or c) your just feeling lonely. if it is b), then yes, i think you are definitely doing the right thing. The pain and suffering will pass, and in the longrun, your choosing the better road for you and your family.

You havent failed- your husband failed. he failed at being a husband. Youre doing the right thing and it will get better now. Just have patience and a bit of faith in yourself and your inner strength.

Best of luck

Aine xx

Drift

Hi OP. I have absolutely no experience in this area but I think most people would recognise that it's better for children to have two happy parents who live apart than two unhappy parents living together. I know it might feel lonely now but it seems to me like you're working hard to make a better future for all the members of your family so just hang in there.

IRISH RAIL

The thing is, ever since then he has been really quite gentle and nice, there is no sense of anger from him and he has been exemplary in carrying out his family responsibilities. However, he seems to be quite content that we separate. Sometimes I feel he is looking forward to getting away from us

Maybe that was his intentions after a while some people just cant come out and say they have had enough, and then resort to those tactics to end a relationship.

my opinion is continue with the split you will find after 3 months apart he will probably come crawling back (now i mean that im a roundabout way not literally crawling but would want to get back in touch and declare his need/want for you) maybe its time you both went to a counseler and had a limited break for a few weeks ?

Karen_*

Firstly OP I have to say its very inspiring to read about all you've gone through and how you've overcome it. You're an amazing woman and should be really proud of yourself.


I think you can overcome this too. Of course you feel really sad about whats happened and I think Irish Rail makes a very good observation when saying that maybe your husband has had to resort to tactics rather than come out and say what he wants. You can't go on living with someone who's treating you like that. The hostility must be affecting everyone. And could it be that your husband just can't deal with the new you? Sometimes people take on the role of being carers and thrive on being needed and when their spouse or partner gets well then their whole world changes. And often not to their liking.

You can't fix everything all on your own. You need people to meet you halfway and he's not doing that. So carry on with the separation and I know it hurts and you feel all alone but you're not. And if anyone can get through this you can.

Bricriu

AMK,

Sorry to hear about your difficulties. I'm not an expert, but I'd strongly advise you both (if you wish to save your relatiosnhip, and you seem to want that) to see a therapist skilled in addictions.

Vey often after a partner has helped a problem drinker or alcoholic through their problem, the suporting partner feels hard done by, especiallly if the ex-drinking partner starts to be successful in life and the supporting parter is not so successful. Forgive me if I'm misreading, but that seems to be the situation with you (both).

You seem to me to have a good basis for relationship but your partner will have to get to in touch with the reasons for his raging. He is possibly Codependent (addicted to caretaking, low self-esteem, angry, etc. -- Google Codependency for more info).

Hope this is some help; if you want details of a very good therapist in Dublin who is skilled in addictions and the havoc they play in relationships, send me a Private Message.

Best of luck.

McGinty

Hi Op

I think you have done amazingly well in rebuilding your life up after quitting drinking. I have just finished reading a book called Toxic parents and one of the chapters dealt with alcoholism, and the author suggested that the partner of the drinker often hides behind their issues, that is they support the drinking for whatever reasons. It sounds like your husband was deeply depressed a few years after you got better, and somehow his mother's death pushed that particular button. You have done the right thing by leaving but that does not make it any better, I don't feel you failed, I see that you tried your very best but you had to consider the health of you and your children, your husband forced you into that situation. His behaviour would have eroded any good work you achieved, and you are extremely brave to walk away, considering you have such courage and strength, know that it will carry you through this very sad time. Breaking up/divorce is a grieving process, I divorced many years ago because my ex was bad for my health but I didn't love him, but I still grieved the end of a marriage. Again you are very brave, hugs to you and good luck.

not yet

Bricriu wrote: »

AMK,

Sorry to hear about your difficulties. I'm not an expert, but I'd strongly advise you both (if you wish to save your relatiosnhip, and you seem to want that) to see a therapist skilled in addictions.

Vey often after a partner has helped a problem drinker or alcoholic through their problem, the suporting partner feels hard done by, especiallly if the ex-drinking partner starts to be successful in life and the supporting parter is not so successful. Forgive me if I'm misreading, but that seems to be the situation with you (both).

You seem to me to have a good basis for relationship but your partner will have to get to in touch with the reasons for his raging. He is possibly Codependent (addicted to caretaking, low self-esteem, angry, etc. -- Google Codependency for more info).

Hope this is some help; if you want details of a very good therapist in Dublin who is skilled in addictions and the havoc they play in relationships, send me a Private Message.

Best of luck.

This is just about the best advice posted on here so far, forgive me if I get a little annoyed at the ''your a strong woman'' stuff or ''good for you get out) vibe that has been posted.

Is there any chance that maybe he found out something that changed him, i.e past affair etc, If he stood by you to begin with do you not at least owe him one last try.....counselling etc.

AMK

No, no affairs or anything else to find out. Regarding a second chance, we had discussed our marriage earlier this year and considered separating. The discussion was instigated by him. However, we agreed to try again although looking back I can see I was doing the running on this. He told me that he had made approaches to other women the previous year as he was so lonely. He made no bones about the fact that he intended to have sex with them and said he didn't feel the slightest bit guilty as I had withdrawn from him. As it happened, the women he approached weren't interested in him and nothing happened (I believe him on this). One of these women works in the same office as me but he refused to tell me who she was. He felt I only wanted to know to beat him up about it. That wasn't so - I wanted to know for my own sake as I found it difficult to walk around the office not knowing if it was the woman beside me in the lift or the canteen or whatever. It made me feel very humiliated.

When we agreed to try again, we agreed to put the past behind us. I found the woman in the office business very difficult to put behind me but I did my best. I raised it once about two months later and he really lost it with me, saying I was using it to hold over his head and refused to tell me her name. I ended up apologising and agreed that I wouldn't raise it again. He told me that he didn't think he could go on if we fought like that again. Note: I asked the question, it was he who turned it into a fight by behaving really aggressively in his response. I think that had a lot to do with why I reacted so harshly after his last bout of temper. It hit me in the face that there was one set of rules for me and another for him, that trying again meant one thing for him and another for me.

We told our little boy yesterday that his daddy is moving out. He was very distressed. He is moving next weekend. I just don't understand how my life has turned upside down like this. Sometimes I kick myself for shooting my mouth off. After all, I had gotten by OK before when this happened. But after agreeing to try again, I just couldn't go back to the way things were. I don't understand what happened in my head and at the time I kept crying and saying 'I can't go back' and I didn't really understand what I was saying or what was driving me. When I think of all the distress and disruption this is causing, on balance it seems really stupid and selfish not to be able to put up with somebody shouting and roaring and drinking too much now and again. Plenty of people put up with a lot worse. But something inside me just switched off and I haven't been able to switch it on again. And as I said, my husband hasn't tried to persuade me otherwise. We have talked but the most positive thing he could come up with was 'maybe we'll be just as unhappy apart as we are together'.