self-harming friend(s)

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, have a friend who has a problem and just dunno what to do with her anymore..

Quick background..

girls, in 6th year, I'm 18, she's 17..

In second year both our fathers were in hospital but for entirely different reasons - mine had a stroke abroad whereas hers tried to kill himself.. We were there for each other and talked etc etc. She (X) turned to self-harming. At the time, I had another friend (Y) going through a difficult time but she had been self-harming for much longer before that. I felt like they were doing it together and almost comparing. I've never judged them because of it but I just don't understand how they could put themselves through that..

I thought it was all done and dusted until (X) told me she self-harmed again recently and drank herself drunk, on her own in her house.. Family have other current problems with details unnecessary.. so anyway, she said it was just a slip up and that she'd never do it again. But then she told me that she did it again the other night.
Sorry, just to clarify 'self-harm' in question is cutting her arms. Luckily (X) doesn't have scars from it but (Y) does.
I asked X if Y ever influenced her actions and she said no but I'm not sure how true that is. Y overdosed in 2nd year and was in hospital. X said she felt like giving herslef the chop the other day.

At first, I was the only one she told. I just didn't know what to do, I guided her in any way possible - focus on study, find a distraction, a hobby, anything.. She's not very academic and doesn't have much interest in extra curricular things..
She told a second friend in school who luckily I'm close to so we discussed what we could do to help her.

The girl is crying out for help.. She's always moody, I mean always. People don't notice anything's wrong because she's not very close to anyone and because she's always moody so it's nothing knew! There's a teacher that's a family friend who she's talked to before in previous situations (family friend). When I asked if she had talked to her, she said no. She refuses to talk to anyone about it - her sister, her parents, school guidance councellor.
She warned me not to tell anyone, I felt like I was being bullied into keeping it a secret. There's nothing I can do to help her except listen. I'm lucky I have such patience with her! She comes in every single morning with homework to finish, she wouldn't study for tests, she complains she's tired all the time but won't go to bed.

My friend and I have decided to go to the teacher she talked to before. Is this wrong? We have to tell someone but can anyone suggest anyone better? We agreed that we'd prefer for her to be p*ssed off at us temporarily rather than continue to harm herself.

I felt I may aswell include Y because she has a drinking problem which she has admitted to. At my 18th, she spent the entire day after in my bed hungover. That was when she admitted it. She said she'd stop. Then her debs came up. Then she turned 18. Then there was this party. It just never came to an end. I've tried to discuss this with her (rationally!) on many occassion. She used to ask friends from work who were much older than her if she had a drinking problem. Their replies would be 'well if you do, then I do too! dont worry, of course you dont!' Thankfully she gave in her notice for 6th year. This problem hasn't had much limelight recently because she was abroad until yesterday so have barely spoken to her, nevermind seen her. I know it's an ongoing problem that needs to be dealt with. Her dad owns an off-licence so that's not encouraging. She was forever complaining about money problems at home & that was why she needed the job but yet she used to spend a fortune on drink! Now that she has no source of income I'm curious to see what will happen.



Sorry was longer than I anticipated but that's only the bones of it all! Any advice or feedback would be appreciated.
Thanks

Ainekav

OP thats a horrible situation for someone to be in, especially at a young age. It is very commendable that you are trying to help your friends in any way possible, but the fact is, you are not fully equipped to deal with issues this deep. You are right in telling the teacher, for X. If you possibly could, try and get someone else involved, someone that you and her both trust.

AS regards person Y, I dont know what to tell you. She obviously needs help too, therapy or counselling. TRy the same tack with her, getting her to see a counselor.

other than that i dont know what else to tell you. Just be there for your friends as you have been doing and continue to help them in any way you can. and that seems to be all you can do for the moment until they decide to face theie problems seriously. Y has admitted her drinking problem so thats a start. try talking to her again.

Good luck and apologies-hopefully you get some better advice below me.

A

sam34

hi op
it is not fair of your friend to demand that you tell nobody. all thats doing is fostering a relationship of dependency "youre the only one that can help me" etc. for your own sake, do not get sucked into this. youre too young, for starters.tell a teacher. consider also telling your friends parents, as the school will probably do so anyway.

do not continue to keep this to yourself.

wexford1

i walked in on my sister self harming herself once. She has bi-polar disorder. She was out with us for the weekend during a stay in a psychiatric hospital. I bundled her into the car and straight back to the hospital. People in this situation need professional attention of some sort. you are in a very difficult situation as you cannot make your friends go to see someone.
I know the worry about how far they might go, and that you might leave you carrying the guilt about what you "should have done". The best thing you can do is tell her/them you care too much about her/them to do nothing and ask them to see someone , if only for you. If that fails you may have to tell their parents. It will mean risking you friendship but it sounds to me that that will be their huge loss rather than yours. It may be a loss for a greater good.
Their is a group therapy called Recovery that would help your friends. Where are you living.

estar

hi there

its lovely to have confidantes when you are in trouble. but for small things like - oh i like someone, or what do I wear, or Im worried about my exams. when it gets to more serious issues, like confessions of addictions or self harm, you not only have to think about what do I say, but also the more far reaching implications for that person of what they are telling you. you are a young girl, and not qualified to take on the burden of helping either of these girls in any meaningful way beyond being there for them, and listening to them when they are down. you are not qualified to deal with these issues, and must realise that before these issues escalate you should seek out some help for them and yourself in dealing with them.

what trusted adults are there in your life that can help you decide what to do and how to get help for them. self harming is potentially very dangerous, not that i need to remind you. if you cannot persuade them to seek help themselves then ask advice from someone wise that you trust.

it isn't too late for them to learn how to deal with their emotional issues in a more healthy way than self harming and drinking.