How to I get my mother to lose weight

stressed out

My mother is 5'4" and weighs 13.5 stone. According to her BMI she is obese - but really she is just very overweight. Anyway she suffers from osteo-arthritis quite bad but is still very active. She is 63 and her doctor told her to lose weight as it will ease the amount of pressure on her knees where the arthritis is worse.

The problem is my mother is in complete denial about this. She has a sweet tooth and is continuosly buying cakes/chocolates/biscuits. Myself and my father have been telling her to stop buying these as they are bad for her but she makes excuses that she needs them when visitors call, etc. Everytime I bring up the subject a huge row ensues no matter how diplomatic I am. My father suggested Weightwatchers but Mum said it was too expensive. Dad offered to pay and Mum said she would start after she came back from her holidays but she didnt.

Myself and Dad were watching a TV programme about obesity and Mum was in the kitchen - she could hear from the kitchen what the programme was about and normally she would come in and watch but she didnt, despite Dad asking her to join us. Even this morning there was a thing on the news about the UK NHS cutting funds for obese patients and I was commenting on it - but Mum changed the subject to mammograms.

I bought a Wii fit and Mum had a go on it. When it told her she was obese I thought she would be shocked (I know I would be) but she wasnt. It suggested to her to lose weight and she did for the first while but now never uses it.

Apart from the health concerns, there's also the psychological effects. When Mum has a special occasion she complains she has nothing to fit her and she looks terrible in her clothes (her words). Next year my brother is getting married and I thought it might spur her on to lose some weight but it hasnt. I keep telling her that the time before the wedding she will be upset because she wont find anything to look nice on her and I told her to not come crying to me. I now it sounds harsh but I've tried every route - compassion, offering rewards, etc and now I am just frustrated. Dad is frustrated too. He is a bit overweight but has started to cut down on his food. When I make him his dinner I've given him smaller portions and he is happy with this.
When Mum makes it for him she gives him bigger portions. I have a feeling that she is trying to keep him overweight too.
(And I am not a complete tyrant - you can still enjoy treats with a balnced diet)

Apart from this Mum is a very fresh woman. She looks younger than she is. Doesnt smoke, has a drink once in a blue moon. She has commented before that she wont see 70 (this is down to her arthritis not depression, before anybody asks. And she never complains about her pain) and maybe this is why she feels whats the point in depriving yourself of food at the "end of your life", but this is bullsh!t. There is no reason why Mum cant live for many, many years to come - I want her to see her grandchildren. Losing weight now will prolong her life anyway.

Has anybody any suggestions? I dont know what to do. Myself and Dad dont even raise the subject now for fear of getting our heads eaten off


[Apologies about the long post]

John Mason

Leave your mother alone, if she wants to lose weight she will but you keep nagging her, she will just dig her heels in.


according to that BMI thingy i am morbidly obese, so are the most professional rugby players.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

I think there is concern though and it's on both sides (your Mother is just scared to admit it). It also sounds like a bit of a health risk.

Take her out on long walks. The exercise will do her good and she'll enjoy your company (just don't talk about diets or weight while on them - she'll get defensive).

Miss Fluff

Your Mum obviously loves her grub, what I'd suggest instead is tackling it from an exercise angle. You said she is pretty active. Why don't you go on a 3/4-mile walk with her a few evenings a week?At least then she will be using up those calories. I think if she starts doing this and noticing a small difference she may then be more mindful of what she puts in her mouth.

RedXIV

If you want to get fit fast, go for an hours swim ever night, after a month, i'd be every suprised if she hasn't lost weight after that

fits

Its her life, her body, her decision what to do.
You cant make her do anything, nor should you try. I'd tell you to feck off if you were my daughter. Calling her obese isnt going to help anything either.

If you really want to do something try cooking healthy dinners, or inviting her to join you for a walk every now and then. Otherwise, leave her be.

stressed out

irishbird wrote: »

Leave your mother alone, if she wants to lose weight she will but you keep nagging her, she will just dig her heels in.

I dont keep nagging at her. I've stopped and she hasn't tried to lose weight.

Calling her obese isnt going to help anything either.

I have never, ever called her obese or fat or anything like that. The word only came up when she went on the Wii Fit.

Your Mum obviously loves her grub, what I'd suggest instead is tackling it from an exercise angle. You said she is pretty active. Why don't you go on a 3/4-mile walk with her a few evenings a week?At least then she will be using up those calories. I think if she starts doing this and noticing a small difference she may then be more mindful of what she puts in her mouth.

I will try this. The problem with her knees is she can only walk so far as they really are quite bad

If you want to get fit fast, go for an hours swim ever night, after a month, i'd be every suprised if she hasn't lost weight after that

This would be ideal, especially for her arthritis but Mum wouldnt wear a swinsuit in public (again beacuse of her weight)


And this is a health concern, before anyone tells me to mind my own business!

matrixroyal

I understand exactly where you are coming from.

You have to be sensitive but ultimately people will do what they want, you can only suggest, support etc.

I think once you get to mid fifties, excess weight then becomes a health hazard and something to be worried about.

Maybe try the exercise road first, encourage some regular swimming / cycling which are non impact, then maybe she will start to think more healthy and more proactive about the food issue.

RedXIV

stressed out wrote: »

This would be ideal, especially for her arthritis but Mum wouldnt wear a swinsuit in public (again beacuse of her weight)


And this is a health concern, before anyone tells me to mind my own business!

If it's that big a deal, join a private place with it's own pool, you'll more than likely be able to arrange the pool on your own for a while, get her in and out before she gets paranoid. Might be worth it?

fits

how would you feel if the roles were reversed and she were constantly on at you about your weight and eating and exercise?

Larianne

Does she have any sisters/friends who might be more active? It's much easier to join a yoga/gym/dance class if you have some else there for support and encouraging each other to go.

Miss Fluff

If walking is an issue she should probably look into something like water aerobics. Find out if there is a local class and go with her.

Macha

OP, I completely understand where you're coming from. My mum (in her early 50s) was quite overweight, suffering from osteo-arthritis and doing very little exercise. She has since gotten into a good exercise regime (walking 4 x week) and being a bit better with her diet. She has lost about a stone and is feeling much better with herself, clothes fit better, sleeps better and knee/back/various body parts don't hurt as much.

But I had been trying to get her to sort it out for about 5 years and nothing worked. What changed it was talking to her a bit about the issues behind it, letting her know I understood (I used to be quite overweight) and giving her as much support as I could from nutritional knowledge to helping her set up a home gym & routine.

I find that many women of my mother's generation have problems looking after themselves. They were brought up to be the nurturer, carer, provider for their family and to put their husband and kids before their own wants and needs. This can manifest itself in small ways, like my mum really going out of her way to help us but can also become more serious when they start to neglect themselves.

It sounds like your mum is suffering from depression. Many people who suffer from depression do not feel that they are good enough and this would certainly have an effect on her feeling that it is worthwhile losing weight. The best thing would be for her to talk to someone about the depression, if possible as it is very likely that this is connected.

It is clear that your mum needs help if she is going to sort herself out psychologically as well as physically. At her age, it is vital that she keep healthy to ensure as good a quality of life for as long as possible. You must tread that fine line between nagging her, and pushing her away and helping her change for the better. Ignore the people telling you to mind your own business. She is your mother and you owe it to her to try and help.

Good luck

fits

I just think that any change must come from the mother herself.

The OP can help, support, cook healthy dinners, invite her out for walks, sign up for classes together.

But she cant make her mum do anything if she doesnt want to herself.

Macha

Most definitely. She has to be willing to change herself.

g'em

fits wrote: »

But she cant make her mum do anything if she doesnt want to herself.

This is true, and there are much bigger problems to consider here: being overweight is a health risk. Fact.

OP this is going to be a difficult one but you'll need a lot of patience, but remember that by helping your mum lose weight you aren't just helping her look better, you're improving her quality of life.

When someone has a considerable amount of weight to lose it's the little things that start the ball rolling. There's no point in embarking on a massive big life-changing plan because it will invariably be met with resistance and a denial of necessity.

If your mum has a sweet tooth there are slightly healthier alternatives to try. Instead of full fat cakes try the weight-watchers slices. Introduce the odd fruit salad for dessert instead of cake. Sorbets and coulis with a couple of spoons of lower fat vanilla ice cream.

Gradually start to reduce portion size (if your Dad has already begun to do this it'll help to influence your Mum). Try to keep snacks and sweets out of the house as much as possible.

Exercise will help hugely - walking, cycling, gardening, swimming. You could even look into getting your Mum signed up to a local curves or dance class and get lessons as a present.

As huge a task as losing weight can seem, it will all start with small beginnings. Even if your Mum can make one change a week it'll add up to significant progress.

irishbird wrote:

according to that BMI thingy i am morbidly obese, so are the most professional rugby players.

With all due respect IB, rugby palyers have considerably more lean muscle mass than the average person and that is what skews their BMI reading. For the average Joe Soap who does little to no exercise a very high BMI reading is indeed something to be concerned about.

DenMan

The OP is correct. his/her mother is in denial about her weight. There is nothing wrong with that, it is a very sensitive issue. She also got a dose of reality when the Wii game indicated to her she was overweight and seeing the information in front of her is probably what she needed, confirmation. This prompted her to start to do something about it because she saw the results and they weren't encouraging. Through maybe fear and self-esteem issues she has stopped the plan. She needs to be encouraged more and helped. A lack of motivation is a huge obstacle to overcome. OP you said your brother is getting married next year, that is plenty of time.

Why not draw up a fitness plan for everyone in the familiy. Maybe seeing everybody else motivated about getting in shape will encourage her into a plan of action. If everybody went for a swim a few times a week this could be of enormous benefit to her, she will be surrounded by her family. She may be reluctant to do this on her own and would welcome the extra support. I agree with joining a private gym/pool. This will give her more freedom to concentrate on her goals and intead of being surrounded by strangers she can work at her own pace. Start off small and then let her develop a routine of her own.

OP have a talk with the rest of your family and make a plan to join together as a family. At least then you can all work together and help each other should you need to. Hope it works out for you all.

stressed out

You have to be sensitive but ultimately people will do what they want, you can only suggest, support etc.

True.

Does she have any sisters/friends who might be more active? It's much easier to join a yoga/gym/dance class if you have some else there for support and encouraging each other to go.

This is a good suggestion. She did yoga before but she found it too severe on her joints. Unfortunately her sister is also fond of sweet things too and doesnt help.

OP, I completely understand where you're coming from. My mum (in her early 50s) was quite overweight, suffering from osteo-arthritis and doing very little exercise. She has since gotten into a good exercise regime (walking 4 x week) and being a bit better with her diet. She has lost about a stone and is feeling much better with herself, clothes fit better, sleeps better and knee/back/various body parts don't hurt as much.

But I had been trying to get her to sort it out for about 5 years and nothing worked. What changed it was talking to her a bit about the issues behind it, letting her know I understood (I used to be quite overweight) and giving her as much support as I could from nutritional knowledge to helping her set up a home gym & routine.

I find that many women of my mother's generation have problems looking after themselves. They were brought up to be the nurturer, carer, provider for their family and to put their husband and kids before their own wants and needs. This can manifest itself in small ways, like my mum really going out of her way to help us but can also become more serious when they start to neglect themselves.

It sounds like your mum is suffering from depression. Many people who suffer from depression do not feel that they are good enough and this would certainly have an effect on her feeling that it is worthwhile losing weight. The best thing would be for her to talk to someone about the depression, if possible as it is very likely that this is connected.

It is clear that your mum needs help if she is going to sort herself out psychologically as well as physically. At her age, it is vital that she keep healthy to ensure as good a quality of life for as long as possible. You must tread that fine line between nagging her, and pushing her away and helping her change for the better. Ignore the people telling you to mind your own business. She is your mother and you owe it to her to try and help.

Good luck

This is very encouraging. Thanks. Mum has low self esteem. I dont think she's depressed though or if she is she wouldnt admit to it. I have chats with her and she is generally happy with her life. She has a loving husband and children , she works, she is active with a Women's group. She never complains about her arthritis eventhough I know she is in great pain. She is very religious and 'offers up the pain to God', as she says. Still if losing weight would lessen the pain, I am all for that as well as her feeling good about herself.

fits wrote: »

how would you feel if the roles were reversed and she were constantly on at you about your weight and eating and exercise?

Well I had an eating disorder as a teenager so I know what its like to be harrassed about food, etc Ultimately all the nagging was for my own good

Macha

stressed out wrote: »

This is very encouraging. Thanks. Mum has low self esteem. I dont think she's depressed though or if she is she wouldnt admit to it. I have chats with her and she is generally happy with her life. She has a loving husband and children , she works, she is active with a Women's group. She never complains about her arthritis eventhough I know she is in great pain. She is very religious and 'offers up the pain to God', as she says. Still if losing weight would lessen the pain, I am all for that as well as her feeling good about herself.

Oops sorry! Don't know how it got into my head - I thought you mentioned she was suffering from depression. One other thing that I thought of is that very often the mother is the one doing all the cooking, with the rest of the family just flying in for a pit-stop (maybe doing the washing up?). God knows how hard it is to resist temptation when you're out and about but constantly being in the kitchen makes it even harder.

Do you help cook? Your dad/siblings? Taking over some of the cooking responsibilities not only allows you to work in a few more healthy options but also takes your mum out of the kitchen (and away from temptation) and more importantly, removes some of the emphasis in her life on food. I find this is another issue with women of my mum's generation - one of their main contributions to the family is through food and their lives can start to revolve around it. Finding recipes, shopping, cooking, etc etc. For example, I found my mum's dinner-party diaries from the 70s where she used to write down who the guests were and what they had eaten so that she would never serve them the same thing twice - this while my dad barely knew how to boil an egg and spent max 15 mins in the kitchen each day. Madness!

Another benefit is that she will have more time to exercise

gaybitch

fits wrote: »

how would you feel if the roles were reversed and she were constantly on at you about your weight and eating and exercise?

I think this is a bit different. This is a daughter concerned about her mother's health, it just so happens that it's her weight that is harming her health. OP clearly isn't doing this for material reasons, or just to nag.


I'd agree with everyone who said that joining the family together as a whole in doing activities would be a great idea - if the entire family bar your mother is out on a brisk walk or a cycle or a swim a few nights a week, she won't want to be the only one left at home. You could buy her one of those celebrity weight loss DVDs, as you said she used the Wii Fit for a while.

You could substitute lots of unhealthy stuff around the house for other things - you say she has a sweet tooth, well there are plenty of sweet alternatives out there than don't contain lots of calories. Go-ahead bars, weight watchers cakes etc etc. At the start, these things taken out of the packet might show her that they're not half bad before she judges them on the low fat label!


But really...The issue would seem to be the denial that your mam is going through, rather than her actual weight. There are plenty of ideas on how to lose weight for someone with arthritis out there (I'm sure the Fitness forum could help loads), but it's bringing your mother to the point where she sees how necessary they are that's the key.

I know you've said she resists all mention of obesity, but maybe try to bring her out for a drive or a coffee somewhere (somewhere she can't refuse to talk, basically!) and try to tackle the subject in a nice, empathetic way. If it's just you and her in a friendly environment, having a cup of tea out somewhere, she might open up. Just be patient, and be kind.

She must be scared, and she's burying her head in the sand, so to prevent her from digging any deeper, you must try to talk to her one-on-one, looking at it from her point of view - and emphasising how you're only doing it for her own good, and that you love her. Talk about all the things you could do and how much of a relief it would be for her if she got healthy. The wedding, as you said, is an ideal incentive.

Good luck!

Dudess

stressed out wrote: »

The problem is my mother is in complete denial about this.

From what you say, it doesn't seem like she's in denial at all. It seems like she knows very well there is a problem here but she just doesn't know how to tackle it, where to start, how to motivate herself. She probably needs to lose three stone or more and the thought of that must be so overwhelming to her that she just shoves the problem under the carpet.

stressed out

Hi. Thanks for all your helpful suggestions. And at the minute I dont have time to comment on each one individually, eventhough you put so much effort into your replies. But thanks so much. It's very touching having people reply with such empathy
Anyway I just really want Mum to feel good about herself. Like on my brother's wedding day when she is wearing something really lovely and she looks brilliant in it. And it's not a shallow thing - women will know what I mean when you are all dressed up and feel amazing. It will be great for her self esteem.

The unfortunate thing with Mum is her main meals are healthy but it's the sweet things are the killer. She wont just eat one cake/bar thogh - it's several.
But substituting with weightwatchers and more exercise is the way to go
Thanks

I don't believe in softly softly, and sensitivity when it comes to the people you loves health.
Keep it to the forefronts of your minds by discussing it regularly.

Try thickly laying on a guilt trip about the brothers wedding photos, and keep reminding her if she falls behind. Pick a small goal and focus on it. Weigh her in front of the family once a week, and encourage her when she suceeds.

I think it is better to trying cutting out processed snacking at first.
Before you go to low cal substitues. If you can do without it is much better.

Would she go into the pool in a tankini or even covered up in a t-shirt and shorts.
A woman in my lessons drove 100 miles so none of her neighbours would see her in the pool.

Nordic walking poles would take some of the pressure off her knees, and they burn up to 40% more calories too.

Maybe she also won't go to weight watchers because she is scared that the leader will make a show of her in front of everyone.

www.sparkpeople.com is an excellent free diet programme and resource. It has a calorie tracker and there are many Mammies aiming to lose for the big day in the forums. IMO it whoops weight watchers arse.

Macha

^^ sounds harsh, but you're right Moonbaby - except maybe weighing her in front of the family: I was forced to go through regular weigh-ins in boarding school and still bear the scars.

The most important thing is to find what works for her. I'm a gym bunny, but my mum loves walking with her friend. I drag her up to the attic to do a the odd weights session as it is so important, but it's not really her thing. My mum isn't comfortable swimming in public either but maybe in little while when she's lost a bit more, she will reconsider.

But really, diet is the key. My best tip is track, track, track, at least in the beginning. Everyone underestimates what they eat, forget about that biscuit, etc.

spurious

Would getting her a dog be an option?
It would need caring for which would boost her feelings of self-worth and it would need lots of walks.

She would feel better from walking the dog, meet new people while out and lose weight, all without anyone mentioning the touchy subject.

taconnol

taconnol wrote: »

^^ sounds harsh, but you're right Moonbaby - except maybe weighing her in front of the family: I was forced to go through regular weigh-ins in boarding school and still bear the scars.

I can't believe your school thought they had the right to invade your privacy like that. Why the hell did they do it?

I don't think this lady is embarrassed about her family knowing her weight, I just think feeling that someone is holding her accountable might be motivating for her. And make her feel that everyone is behind her efforts.

dresden8

Myself and Dad were watching a TV programme about obesity and Mum was in the kitchen - she could hear from the kitchen what the programme was about and normally she would come in and watch but she didnt, despite Dad asking her to join us.

"Honey, you know the way you're fat, come in and watch the show about fat people"

I'm surprised she hasn't told you to f*ck off at this stage. And as to all the suggestions to keep on nagging her until you've broken her resistance, 'kin hell.

She's 63. She's an adult. She can make her own choices. They may be bad choices, but they're hers to make.

englishe

Hi This will seem a very obvious question, but apart from your mum moaning about not having clothes to wear/fit etc, has she ever actually said the words, with conviction, 'I want to lose weight'? I ask, because like you I have been through this with my own 61 year old mum, who has always lamented her size etc etc (5'2", 14st) and after many attempts to help her (home gym ,walks, gym memberships) I still would pop into to the house to see calorie loaded drinks & foodstuff. In the end I just had to suggest, that as much as it pained her to be overweight etc, it didnt pain her enough - i.e. on some level she was actually comfortable with herself, and the actions needed to lose weight were more painful than the actuality. She didnt want it enough. I'd say hang in there, be supportive, remember some activity is better than no activity, regardless of whether she loses weight from it.

englishe

ps The dog suggestion above is a very good idea - it would not seem so much as exercise. This is what i did to help get my dad more active. He has a little buddy about the house now, and enjoys the walks as much his budy does. (the babysitting at the start for 60-year olds was a bit hard tho!)

Macha

Moonbaby wrote: »

I can't believe your school thought they had the right to invade your privacy like that. Why the hell did they do it?

It was to make sure we didn't have an eating disorder. Oh the irony. Heck, that wasn't even the worst of it. My boarding school days make great stories now but at the time it was hellish.

Moonbaby wrote: »

I don't think this lady is embarrassed about her family knowing her weight, I just think feeling that someone is holding her accountable might be motivating for her. And make her feel that everyone is behind her efforts.

Oh sure, actually it's a bit like a more private weightwatchers meeting! But this would feel a lot better if you weren't the only one in the family doing it.

englishe - I'd just say that as G'em pointed out, at a certain point, being overweight stops just being a question of aesthetics and starts being about health. Especially at an older age.

fits

Moonbaby wrote: »

I don't believe in softly softly, and sensitivity when it comes to the people you loves health.
Keep it to the forefronts of your minds by discussing it regularly.

Try thickly laying on a guilt trip about the brothers wedding photos, and keep reminding her if she falls behind. Pick a small goal and focus on it. Weigh her in front of the family once a week, and encourage her when she suceeds.

:eek:

OMG is this a grown woman we are talking about here????

God forbid I end up in anything resembling these families :eek:

OP if you want to go down this road why dont you have a good chat with your mum about it and ask her if she wants your help. But if she says no, that should be the end of it. Her body, her life.

Support her, encourage her, and help her out with meals etc.

But please do not go down the road of weighing her in front of her family. The idea sickens me tbh. She is a mother and deserves more respect than that.

Marksie

RedXIV wrote: »

If you want to get fit fast, go for an hours swim ever night, after a month, i'd be every suprised if she hasn't lost weight after that

Red XIV: she is 63 and every night would be well..a bit much .

A friend of mine, roughly the same age, took up tai chi and is loving it.
Great for stretches, focus, concentration. Gentle toning without direct focus on "fat"
So Op why dont you suggest taking something like that up, no fear of being forced into a hateful situation by excessive familial pressure.
Plus its great for stress levels...may help with your user name as well.

in fact if you can, make that your focus..that YOU need someone to go with for your stress .

Instead of nagging on directly, think outside the box a little

Moonbaby wrote: »

Try thickly laying on a guilt trip about the brothers wedding photos, and keep reminding her if she falls behind. Pick a small goal and focus on it. Weigh her in front of the family once a week, and encourage her when she suceeds.

What a horrendously cruel thing to do. Damaging to self esteem without a doubt.
Why not go the whole hog and hand a sign around her neck.
IMO its tantamount to bullying someone, thank goodness i am not in a family like that.


OP in the end its your mothers life, she has to want this, she is aware and continued haranguing and comments will just upset her more.

In the end you cannot impose your will and judgment on another adult.

Toots

OP, I sympathise with you, cos this is a really hard situation to be in. I'm in your mother's position, in that I am overweight, hard and all as it is to actually say it/type it, it's true.

TBH, nagging her isn't the way to go, even though your intentions are good, it'll only make her feel like crap. I know when I was in my late teens and started putting on a good bit of weight, my mum used to nag me about it, and it just made me feel so much worse. If anything, I'd turn to food for comfort. It is important for you and your dad to be supportive to her though, which I'm sure you will be. Over the last year or so I've started to lose the weight. I've still got a long way to go, but in this case slow and steady is best and that way she'll keep it off. I'd find the same problems with sweets/snacks. I couldn't have just one biscuit, it'd be half a pack, I'd get a share size bag of sweets, and eat the whole thing myself. My meals were really healthy, but I had a problem with portion sizes. It doesn't matter how healthy the food is, if you eat three times what you're supposed to, it's still bad.

Some things I found really helped were substituting regular biscuits for the weight watchers biccys. The fact that they're in individual packages makes me more aware of what I'm eating, so I couldn't just sit down with a pack and before I'd notice, half the pack is gone, cos you have to physically open each portion of biscuits. Sugar free jelly was also a lifesaver for me. I always have a huge bowl of it in the fridge, which satisfies my sweet tooth at night. It's a 'free' food so she could eat as much of it as she wants. Those pink & white marshmallow things are great too, only 1/2 a weightwatchers point each, although exercise caution, cos it would be easy to sit down and eat a whole pack of them too. If she's having a cup of tea, use skimmed milk, and try to use splenda instead of sugar (don't use any of the other artificial sweetners though cos they're full of aspartame, i think, which is meant to be harmful). Weight watchers might be a good idea for her, anyone I know who's done it has raved about it, and said they learned some really good tips from the meetings. If she's too shy to go to the meetings, you can do it from home and you send in a weigh in card every week by post. Just for goodness sake don't let her go on the likes of Lipotrim, it's just not healthy, and I speak from experience :mad:

For exercise, I try to bring my dog out for a walk and go as briskly as I can. If that's going to be a problem for your mum with her joints, aqua aerobics or swimming would be a good idea. I know you say she doesn't want people seeing her in her swimsuit, it's really not that bad. If she joins a health centre or gym with a pool, she could go up during the off peak times when there'd be very few, if any, people in the pool. This is what I did, and I got my OH to come up with me on a guest pass until I'd gotten up the courage to go on my own. I was convinced everyone would be staring at me and thought I was going to die of shame the first time I stepped out of the changing room in my swim suit. The more I kept going, the more I realised that pretty much everyone up there was in the same boat as me, and were self conscious about their bodies. Even the people who I would have said had great figures!!

The reason people go to the gym is to keep fit or lose weight, so she won't be alone. My mum does an aqua aerobics class on a tuesday morning, and she says that the majority of her class are women in their 50s and 60s who are trying to lose weight so she wouldn't be alone. It might mean that you go along to the class with her for support for a while. She might even make some new friends up there!

I suppose at the end of the day, your mother is her own woman. She needs to do this herself. When and if she decides to lose weight, be supportive, be encouraging, and give her help if she needs it. Sorry for the long post. I hope some of what I've said has been some help.

kraggy

fits wrote: »

how would you feel if the roles were reversed and she were constantly on at you about your weight and eating and exercise?

For God's sake, she's concerned about her mother's health. It's not like she's doing it cause she's ashamed to be seen with her mother in public.

I have the same problem with my mother who was always a bit tubby but is now so obese it's of great concern.

But like the OP, it's my mothers health that I'm worried about not her appearance.

What do we do when we see our family fall into deep holes whether it be obesity or drug abuse, sit back and not say anything? The Op has said that she tried to encourage her.

fits

kraggy wrote: »

What do we do when we see our family fall into deep holes whether it be obesity or drug abuse, sit back and not say anything?

Whatever the problem, nagging about it wont help and may possibly even make it worse.

Support will, as long as the person themselves is willing to make the change.

That is all I am trying to say.

Quackles

dresden8 wrote: »

She's 63. She's an adult. She can make her own choices. They may be bad choices, but they're hers to make.

Would you say the same if she was anorexic? Sometimes a little intervention is needed. I see no harm in encouraging her to exercise and lose weight (although not to nag, it's pointless and will have the reverse effect). Maybe the more subtle approaches, like the dog, would work better, though. Although she may not be able for walking dogs with her arthritis, but along those lines of thinking. Something that gets her mobile without pushing her weight issues in her face all the time.

kraggy

fits wrote: »

Whatever the problem, nagging about it wont help and may possibly even make it worse.

Support will, as long as the person themselves is willing to make the change.

That is all I am trying to say.

I wasn't talking about nagging.

The OP has been accused of nagging by people on here when she has said in her post "Everytime I bring up the subject a huge row ensues no matter how diplomatic I am".

She has tried to encourage her mum but her mum isn't having any of it. That's why she came on here looking for help.

dudara

OP, I can appreciate your concerns for your mother*, but while I reading your post, I kept imagining myself in the place of your mother. When I got to the part about the TV show, I nearly spat my dinner out. If a son or daughter of mine did that to me, I'd have a fit. I have an introverted Catholic mother who lives in a near state of denial, so I think that I half know how your mother feels.

You have a valid concern, and your motivation is honest. The problem lies in how you are handling things with your mother. I can't tell you how to approach things with her, but do take the time to look at this issue from her viewpoint, and maybe you might see a better approach to take.

A lot of parents just can't handle the "I know it better than you do" attitude from their children. Try to bear that in mind.

*in a similar vein, I'm 29, and have a tendency to be curvy which can cause an old knee injury to flare up, so I understand the need to keep weight under control for the sake of joints

fits

fits wrote: »

:eek:

Her body, her life.

Your right it is her LIFE we are talking here.
She is a mother, she is part of family. If her knees and ability to walk go. It may well hve a massive impact on the OP or her hubbies own "choices".
Do you honestly believe any mentally health person is going to self righteously chose snack food, over life itself and being there for her partner, children and grandchildren.Obviously there is more than a simple choice at play here.

Everyone motivation is different. Some people are self motivating, others need constant encouragement, some need blackmail or a good kick up the arsehole.

fits

Moonbaby wrote: »

Your right it is her LIFE we are talking here.
She is a mother, she is part of family. If her knees and ability to walk go. It may well hve a massive impact on the OP or her hubbies own "choices".
Do you honestly believe any mentally health person is going to self righteously chose snack food, over life itself and being there for her partner, children and grandchildren.Obviously there is more than a simple choice at play here.

Look I'm not argueing that it wouldnt be beneficial to the mother to lose weight. And I certainly believe the OP's worries come from a good place. I'm argueing with the approach. And worried that the way the OP is going about it will destroy whatever self-esteem is left there. Everyone would agree that that would be counter-productive.

Everyone motivation is different. Some people are self motivating, others need constant encouragement, some need blackmail or a good kick up the arsehole.

Again, I really think any changes should come from the mother herself. OP should work together with her mother rather than the bullying/blackmailing approaches which I highly doubt would work.