Am I being stupid waiting for the right person?

LegacyUser

I'm posting this message due to an incident that... well should have happened on Friday night. The most beautiful, sexy and near perfect woman I have I ever seen (I'm talking serisouly jawdroppingly attractive here) wanted me to go back to her place, and I have never been as tempted in my life... but once again my conscience took over and I made up the usual excuse of, "actually I have a gf, I cant do this"... which of course is a lie.

The truth is, I'm a 21 year old sudent, in my last year of college, and I'm still a virgin.

If you knew me, you would be fairly shocked at this fact cause I'm an extremely out going, confident person who has no trouble getting an attractive girl on a night out. Truth be told, my virginity is due to me being a victim of circumstance. I've had 2 long term relationships (both before I came to college) one was a long distance. I should have had my first time when I was 16, the night was perfect, but the all the shops were closed so no condoms! as things happened we broke up very soon after for other reasons. The other girl just was simply too afraid to do it... which I never understood. I've done pretty much everything you can think of except intercourse... Ok thats the back ground!

Anyway when I went into first year I made a stupid choice that I was not going to go out with anyone, and just remain single and have fun. I had this mad idea that there would be loads of sex and whatever. But when it comes down to it on nights out when a girl wants to head home with me... I cant do it... It just feels wrong....

Call me a romantic fool or whatever, but my logic at the moment it that I've waited this long to have sex, I may as well make sure its with someone I care about and make it meaningful. Instead of the regular regretable first time that most people seem to have! But the incident last Friday night with the most amazingly beautiful girl I've ever seen has really made me question my motives for waiting... I mean I regret it completely. Part of me is saying "just get it bloody over with and stop worrying about it!" ...

The fact that I have not been close to finding a serious relationship in college has not helped this in anyway. After a disaterous first year, I decided to be more open to women, with a "if I find the right one, brilliant!" instead of turning them away for fear of commitment or whatever...

Anyway, point being, and this is my ultimate question to you good people:
- Should I just go out tonight and find a girl, and get this bloody thing over with?
or
- Should I keep waiting for the perfect girl and the perfect moment? ... despite the fact that I serisouly dont believe this is going to happen!

I'm getting older and older... few more months and I'll be a 22 year old virgin... this is getting ridiculous... all because I have this stupid feeling that doing it with a random drunken girl after a night out wouldn't be "memorable"... Am I being naive? Not to be cocky, but I get women very easily, which makes this all the harder to understand and keep commited to...

thanks for reading, I appreciate your comments or experiences with this...

Overheal

you're never going to find a perfect moment in reality, that lives up to what you've cooked in fantasy.

brianthebard

Whats wrong with telling a girl you don't like to have sex with someone you just met,but would like to see her again,instead of lying?

Pen1987

I was the same when I was younger (I'm 21 aswell), me and a friend used to go out every week on the pull and end up in some pair of girls apartment pretty much once a month for a solid year. The obvious was obviously on the cards every time, I'm sure some of the girls expected it. We'd both made a decision to 'stay off' (that was our phrase... jayzuz) until we found the right girl (he even wanted to wait til he was married... and this is a lad who the women love, and he loves women) so every time we'd just sleep beside them and have a bit of fun, but no sex.

Then one week I went out without him and ended up at some house party and scored a total stunner, she dragged me upstairs and I told her about my decision (I was always open about it, sometimes it was like fanning the flames though, theyd try push you even further!) she kept doing everything in her 'powers' to get me to give in. I gave in. Lost it there and then. She dropped me home the next morning, I havent seen her since, cant remember her name, dont know how I first started talking to her.

I sort of regrat how it happened but I dont regret the outcomes... I became way more open when it came to persueing 'the right girl', I had no nerves or worries about taking the next step because I had no pressure on myself NOT to do it, so it made finding the girl I had been waiting for much easier... maybe its a subconcious thing, who knows.

LegacyUser

I say you should have gone for it on Friday night. The next time that opportunity comes up i think you should go for it. The longer you put it off the harder and more akward it'll be to do it. The next time you are out and the opportunity arrises with a girl you actually like, take it as a sign from god and just go for it.

When i was 16 i was going out with this girl. We met at a party and before we even said three sentances to eachother we were heading upstairs. I didnt go 'all the way' with her that night though i know now that she wanted to. So i thought she was kinda cool and i started going out with her. She lived a bit far a way so every time we went out we ended up in bed together. I knew i could have had sex and i was thinking if i really wanted to. I didnt exactly like the girl that much and she didnt exactly like me (we obviously fancied eachother tho) so i decided that i 'd be making a mistake losing my virginity to a girl that i couldnt really stand talking to. She kept asking me to have sex with her and i kept putting it off. Then I went to france on holidays for two weeks and broke up with her when i came back. I thought i had dodged a bullet but I havent got that opportunity since. I'm still a virgin and i sorta regret not making the most of what i had back then. So the next time the opportunity arrises I'm going for it.

Piste

If you want to wait until you meet someone special there's nothing wrong with that. Don't build it up to be something huge though because reality ill never live up to your expectations. Lots of girls will respect a guy that want to only have sex with someone he cares about- it will make them feel respected and cherished.

If you hit it off with a girl don't feel like you're expected to jump into bed with her as soon as possible, get her number and go on a few dates and see if she's that special girl you're looking for.

Having casual sex is good if you're someone who can have sex just for the sake of it, but if you're someone who attatches a lot of emotional weight and meaning to sex you could end up hurting yourself.

Well basically it sounds like you want to do it in a relationship. When you meet one of these beautiful girls, would you not ask them out, see them for a month or two, and if it's going well, then sleep together? Why feel like you have to do it there and then? The 'perfect moment' doesn't really exist, but if you've been seeing the girl and really like/respect her, it beats losing your virginity with someone you've just met.

BenGunn

virgin101 wrote: »

...I'm an extremely out going, confident person who has no trouble getting an attractive girl on a night out...

Why not just get a girlfriend then? Just pick an attractive single girl who you like (they don't have to be the love of your life, just someone who you can get on with). Go out for a few weeks, tell them you've been waiting for the right person (which most girls love to hear), then start sleeping with them. Sex in a relationship is better anyway. Not much point in just having a one night stand, you're unlikely to enjoy it the first time and you'll probably be nervous, better to have a girl there who knows the deal. Really don't understand why you waited though, I was 17 and I even thought that was too long. Whatever way you decide to go, life's too short to spend it not having sex- go get some.

LegacyUser

I didn't lose my virginity til I was 21. I didn't want to sleep with someone I didn't love. I married the guy I lost my virginity to (he was also a virgin) and I have never, ever regretted my decision to wait. There's no wrong decision - if you want to wait, wait. It's not weird, it's not unheard of. That said, if you think the wait is getting to you - just ask one of the girls you meet out! Don't expect perfection, it doesn't exist. As long as you are with a girl you enjoy talking to, you won't regret it. Good luck!

needhelpguy

I think you should just go for it. You say you're in college? This is the perfect time to get it over with. I gaurantee you when college is over it will be 10 times harder to find and chat up single young women. Really, you have no idea. To top it off, stunners are like gold dust, it's very rare you meet them, and even rarer they want you back to their place!

Just get it over with. It will just get harder as time goes on. I am 22 going on 23 and I've never even spoken to a girl intimately. It's gotten to the point now where I just feel too pathetic being a 23 year old virgin that what is the point in even trying anymore? I wish I had had the luck to have lost it when I was 16/17 like everyone else. Don't be like me, you still have chances.

boringteetotal

It takes a real man not to give into societal pressure, respect women, wait for the right girl and generally treat sex with respect and romance.

Just my opinion.

The Bollox

I am a 22 year old virgin and I am currently with my first real girlfriend so I am very happy I waited. For a while before I met her I was getting desperate thinking I will never find the perfect girl and that I should just get it over with, but I am very happy I waited. I haven't told her I am a virgin yet, I dunno how that's going to go down :S

Karen_*

needhelpguy wrote: »

I think you should just go for it. You say you're in college? This is the perfect time to get it over with. I gaurantee you when college is over it will be 10 times harder to find and chat up single young women. Really, you have no idea. To top it off, stunners are like gold dust, it's very rare you meet them, and even rarer they want you back to their place!

Just get it over with. It will just get harder as time goes on. I am 22 going on 23 and I've never even spoken to a girl intimately. It's gotten to the point now where I just feel too pathetic being a 23 year old virgin that what is the point in even trying anymore? I wish I had had the luck to have lost it when I was 16/17 like everyone else. Don't be like me, you still have chances.

Why on earth would you feel pathetic about being a virgin? Its not a competition with everyone else you know. The vast majority of people regret losing their virginity before they were ready to or maybe who they lost it to.

If you've got the sense to wait then wait! And always do what you feel comfortable with and are happy with. If everyone else put their hand in the fire and all that....

Kinklee

I know that younger people never listen to people who some experience in life but I guarantee the original poster that the night he refused losing his virginity to a beautiful women he will in about 20 years probably have himself pulled stoopid, wankin to the old lose my virginity fantasy that keeps swirling around in his dicked off, pissed off brain. Jeeze you guys, would you stop for a moment and smell the roses. Ride your brains out before you commit to some other person. Always remember that you are up to now an accumulation of your experiences and your whole zeitgeist is based on those experiences. The world needs people who are not narrow minded living in these parentally and societally inflicted modes of thought. Live a little and enjoy what life has to offer. Otherwise you are doomed to inflict your narrow world view on your children and they on theirs until someone in your bloodline grows a pair and has some fun.
But hey thats only my opinion and is a product of my wide world view.

LegacyUser

Nice virtues etc, and there's no harm in respecting your own beliefs rather than caving in to what may appear to be the norm. But for your own sake don't turn this into a moral crusade where the 'woman of your dreams' has to have lived by the same rules.
The chances are that when your 'perfect moment' comes along your wife may not be a virgin and may have several experiences under her belt.
So, my advice to you is, if you feel you won't have any issues with the possibility of your future wife sleeping around as I type this while you keep yourself for that special night then you should continue doing what you're doing. Otherwise my advice is to go out and if the moment feels right then go for it!

Karen_*

Kinklee wrote: »

I know that younger people never listen to people who some experience in life but I guarantee the original poster that the night he refused losing his virginity to a beautiful women he will in about 20 years probably have himself pulled stoopid, wankin to the old lose my virginity fantasy that keeps swirling around in his dicked off, pissed off brain. Jeeze you guys, would you stop for a moment and smell the roses. Ride your brains out before you commit to some other person. Always remember that you are up to now an accumulation of your experiences and your whole zeitgeist is based on those experiences. The world needs people who are not narrow minded living in these parentally and societally inflicted modes of thought. Live a little and enjoy what life has to offer. Otherwise you are doomed to inflict your narrow world view on your children and they on theirs until someone in your bloodline grows a pair and has some fun.
But hey thats only my opinion and is a product of my wide world view.

But do you not think its a bit narrowminded to suggest that the OP is narrowminded because he's got different views on sex than you do? There's your opinion and then there's the opinion of the narrowminded?

I say the OP should make his own mind up and do what is right for him despite what the "freespirits" and "openminded" people like yourself think:p

LegacyUser

thanks for all the replies guys, I really appreciate your input!

It's fair to say that I think I've given up on the whole perfect moment idea... I'm just getting frustrated at this stage. I'm sick at myself for not being with that girl the other night... next time will be different.

Oh, on this subject, Do you think I should tell a girl, in a one night stand situation that I'm a virgin? I've kinda done that once or twice before at the door of my appartment, and basically they told me that I shouldn't loose it 'this way'.

Some of u said I should just get a gf, easier said than done because I'm an athlete training twice a day, and in final year of college... essentially I dont have the time to give to a relationship

flonge

virgin101 wrote: »

thanks for all the replies guys, I really appreciate your input!

It's fair to say that I think I've given up on the whole perfect moment idea... I'm just getting frustrated at this stage. I'm sick at myself for not being with that girl the other night... next time will be different.

Oh, on this subject, Do you think I should tell a girl, in a one night stand situation that I'm a virgin? I've kinda done that once or twice before at the door of my appartment, and basically they told me that I shouldn't loose it 'this way'.

Some of u said I should just get a gf, easier said than done because I'm an athlete training twice a day, and in final year of college... essentially I dont have the time to give to a relationship

Getting a decent bf is easier said then done too!
Fair play to you though.Like I thought I was weird in that I hadnt done it.But its good t think that Im not the only one my age (21) who hasnt done it

Faith

In my experience, the right person is the right person at that time, not necessarily the person you're going to marry. If you'd slept with that girl the other night, she might well have been the right person at the right time. The next girl that you meet can be too. If you really want to go for it, that should be indication enough that it's the right person (except if you're steaming drunk, then it may not apply!).

Cinful

Sex is life. Experience it. Be selective. No one-nighers.

LegacyUser

Well its hard in a way too. I'm a 21 year old virgin myself, and basically it goes like this:

"Have you ever been in a serious relationship?"
"No."
Bla Bla Bla
"Oh so you've never had sex?"

Then they know. Because I don't like lying to a potential partner. And then, well, your relationship goes nowhere fast, because they then forever assume you're just looking out to lose your virginity. "But then why don't they just presume you'd go lose it on a one night stand?" I hear you ask. Well, I'm 21. If I was going to lose it on a stand, it would have happened long before now.

Anyway, thats my conundrum. Once they have it in their head that you're only after sex, theres no getting around it; and the relationship fizzles and dies before it ever gets off the ground.

Karen_*

virgin101 wrote: »

thanks for all the replies guys, I really appreciate your input!

It's fair to say that I think I've given up on the whole perfect moment idea... I'm just getting frustrated at this stage. I'm sick at myself for not being with that girl the other night... next time will be different.

Oh, on this subject, Do you think I should tell a girl, in a one night stand situation that I'm a virgin? I've kinda done that once or twice before at the door of my appartment, and basically they told me that I shouldn't loose it 'this way'.

Some of u said I should just get a gf, easier said than done because I'm an athlete training twice a day, and in final year of college... essentially I dont have the time to give to a relationship

I don't think its something that you need mention at all to be honest. Its not like you have an std or something that they really need to know about. They'll probably figure it out during the event but by then you'll have got a bit of experience. Its not like you have committed a crime by being a virgin. I can't beleive that people on this thread who are virgins are viewing it so negatively.

If your original plan was to wait for the right person i.e you want to be in a relationship then stick with that. You WILL meet someone. Probably when you stop worrying about it. But I do at the same time understand your worries. I don't think you would have been thrilled with yourself if you'd slept with that girl. I think you'd be sorry now you didn't stick with your original plan.

Marksie

Karen_* wrote: »

But do you not think its a bit narrowminded to suggest that the OP is narrowminded because he's got different views on sex than you do? There's your opinion and then there's the opinion of the narrowminded?

I say the OP should make his own mind up and do what is right for him despite what the "freespirits" and "openminded" people like yourself think:p

Ahh i seem to be agreeing with you quite Karen_*.

In my view you can be totally celibate and a virgin and still be a sexual person and connected to your sexual self.

The basic prerequisite is conscious choice.

and this is what it boils down to for you OP.

Do you choose to wait for someone because you want to in and of yourself, or by what you have conditioned to believe?

if teh answer uis yes, then its fine to wait, if no then determine what you do want.

But that leads to the wider question of what you are looking for and how you view a prospective partner. In accepting your own conscious choices, then your partner will have made hers and these you will ahve to be open to accepting as well. This may very well mean that she is not a virgin and has had sexual experience before.

Do not have a checklist, but take the person as a unique individual.