Long Story

Anon100

OK folks i know posting this i'm going to get a lot of abuse but am willing to take all of that as i need some guidance. Bottom line i've been having an affair for the last 6 years - i'm single, he's married. We now live at different ends of the country so meet sporadically but talk a couple of times a day and have built up a really close friendship.

We had planned to meet this weekend, he had an excuse to get to my neck of the woods and then on Tuesday that fell through - yes we were both pissed off but we made alternate plans for a few weeks time and then he hung up saying as we were both pissed off there was no point frustrating one another and he'd talk to me later. I sent a jokey text, kinda look on the bright side effort and heard nothing back. No phone call for the rest of the day or that night. Sent another text yesterday morning then rang his mobile at lunchtime and it rang out and went to voicemail. Left a message wondering if he'd disappeared down a black hole and to call me. Still nothing so @ 4oc i put my phone number on private and rang again. He answered and i told him i didn't know if i was relieved he was ok or wanted to kill him myself. He says he's on the other line can he call me back - yes you've guessed it nothing since.

This morning i rang again, again he didn't answer so i left a message saying i had no idea what had happened since we last spoke but i just wanted to know what was going on. Told him if he had any respect for me or our friendship he'd at least give me a call and tell me what was going on in his head. Not an angry message although i really felt like tearing his head off.

That was 8.30 this morning and not a word since :mad: Everytime we've gotten frustrated before we've talked about it decided to stay perdominantley friends and play it by ear. He always reckoned i was his best friend and irrespective of what happened with us he wanted us to stay friends.

It's wrecking my head now - i accept it's over but can't accept it ending without some sort of explanation.

Feel free to flame me about interfering with a marriage, that i'm getting what i deserve etc., but if anyone has any advice on where i should go from here or what i should do i could really use it. None of my friends know about the relationship so i'm all alone in this.

AARRRGH

Anon100 wrote: »

It's wrecking my head now - i accept it's over but can't accept it ending without some sort of explanation.

He's married - he was always going to drop you in a second.

I suggest you try to relax, give him some space, and then contact him again in a week.

lolly22

Hey op,

Its my advise but you can take it or leave it.

Can you see this actually going anywhere in the future?


Ok, if yes then leave him be for a while till he gets in contact with you, if not, im not going to go on saying an affair was not a clever thing because im guessing you know this already, but i use to know someone in a similer situation and it turned out very nasty, apparently he was have a few affairs at the one time. all i can say is dont keep it to yourself find someone you trust to talk to and i would seriusly think about cutting all contacts with him and moving on in your life. Im not saying its going to be easy, but youll meet someone who will love you and only you.

Hope things work out for you;)
Lolly

BaZmO*

The only advice you're really going to get here is to end it, and while he's still with his wife it's probably the best advice you're going to get.

As for the ignored phone calls, normally in a relationship that'd be a real no-no but as it's an affair you're not really on a level playing field, you'll always be the other woman and he always has the perfect excuse to ignore your calls or not call you. Personally I don't see how you can accept that, and to do so for six years is astonishing. Do you really want things to go on as they are for another six years?

He'll keep on feeding you lines like, "You're my best friend" and "You're the only one that understands me" but sure why wouldn't he? It's just lip service to keep you sweet.

I think you already know where this is heading and getting involved with a married was never the best idea but to me it looks like it's over and it's up to you to finish it once and for all. You might feel he owes you an explanation and he probably does but the main explanation will be that he's married and you're his bit on the side.

brosps

you are right


that was a long story

Wibbs

brosps banned for a week. Take that week to read the charter before posting here in future.

John Mason

It's over move on.

Stop harrssing him

xzanti

I agree with Irishbird, move on, it sucks he didn't have the decency to end it properly but if you keep pushing it, texting ringing etc.. you're risking his wife finding out.. and more people will be hurt...

Anon100

Thanks for the replies - i'm not going to contact him again for a while at least - i have some of his stuff at my house so that needs to go. I just can't believe that he's just cut me off for no reason - i thought he'd at least have the balls to tell me it's over. Just goes to show i have crap judgement all round

beth-lou

You let yourself be second best for six years. Six years! It's about time you got some self respect and told him to sling his hook. Are you going to hang around for another six years?

To be honest he can't be a very good man if he was willing to betray his wife like this and expect you to put your life on hold for him for such a long time. It really does baffle me how people can let someone do this to them. Not the wife, because, God love her she is oblivious. But you knew he was unavailable and you accepted his sneaky, underhand and selfish behaviour. And still you are hanging on for him....I just can't understand how you could let somebody treat you with such disrespect.

As for you sleeping with another womans husband, well I'll stay silent on that one. What I would have to say would be too frank and hurtful for you and to be honest I think are suffering all ready. But do yourself a favour and find someone who is available, who can commit to you and who has your best interests at heart. Because this guy is thinking of no one but himself. He is not your friend. He was never your friend and never will be your friend. Friends don't treat ach other like that. He was just using you as a distraction outside his marraige and you made it easy for him.

Stop ringing him.
Stop thinking he is your friend.
Stop letting him hurt you.
Stop hurting yourself.
Go and got a life.
Get a boyfriend who can give you everything you need.
Get a boyfriend who is available, trustworthy, and can have a future with you.

Why oh why would you settle for anything less. It will always come down to this. Always.

Burial

Anon100 wrote: »

OK folks i know posting this i'm going to get a lot of abuse but am willing to take all of that as i need some guidance. Bottom line i've been having an affair for the last 6 years - i'm single, he's married. We now live at different ends of the country so meet sporadically but talk a couple of times a day and have built up a really close friendship.

We had planned to meet this weekend, he had an excuse to get to my neck of the woods and then on Tuesday that fell through - yes we were both pissed off but we made alternate plans for a few weeks time and then he hung up saying as we were both pissed off there was no point frustrating one another and he'd talk to me later. I sent a jokey text, kinda look on the bright side effort and heard nothing back. No phone call for the rest of the day or that night. Sent another text yesterday morning then rang his mobile at lunchtime and it rang out and went to voicemail. Left a message wondering if he'd disappeared down a black hole and to call me. Still nothing so @ 4oc i put my phone number on private and rang again. He answered and i told him i didn't know if i was relieved he was ok or wanted to kill him myself. He says he's on the other line can he call me back - yes you've guessed it nothing since.

This morning i rang again, again he didn't answer so i left a message saying i had no idea what had happened since we last spoke but i just wanted to know what was going on. Told him if he had any respect for me or our friendship he'd at least give me a call and tell me what was going on in his head. Not an angry message although i really felt like tearing his head off.

That was 8.30 this morning and not a word since :mad: Everytime we've gotten frustrated before we've talked about it decided to stay perdominantley friends and play it by ear. He always reckoned i was his best friend and irrespective of what happened with us he wanted us to stay friends.

It's wrecking my head now - i accept it's over but can't accept it ending without some sort of explanation.

Feel free to flame me about interfering with a marriage, that i'm getting what i deserve etc., but if anyone has any advice on where i should go from here or what i should do i could really use it. None of my friends know about the relationship so i'm all alone in this.

Personally, I don't / won't flame you over this affair. It's not your fault he's married. He's the one to blame.

Anyway, back on topic, he will never be your "best friend" after having an affair with you. He'd drop you in a heartbeat for his wife and take his lack of calls/texts as he wants nothing more to do with you. You can't take this personally, as he'd much rather keep the whole thing secret and away from his wife. (Otherwise, he'd get a divorce) He won't tell you the real reason, because it would only anger you. (Unless there is some reason that wouldn't) Imagine if he told you that he broke it off because he loved his wife. If he did want to make it work with his wife, he'd have to never talk/see you again. I personally think, he's not telling you why, so he can call you when he's "bored" with his wife. You shouldn't view this as a friendship. (I know you don't anyway, otherwise you wouldn't need an explanation)

Best bet is to accept that he's moved on, and so should you. This was never going anywhere to begin with. Is there any explanation that would make you feel better? If you can think of one, take that as the reason and move on.

WhiteWashMan

I reckon you were the fun on the side, and then it became slightly more hard work. As soon as you became harder work, he dumped you.

Look, move on. Second best sucks - and he will NEVER leave his wife for you. Also, have a bit of self respect and hold your head high on this one, and even if hurt turns to bitterness, don't go the revenge route - don't go posting his belongings to his wife or anything like that.

Be dismissive of him - the next time he calls you, tell him you're busy and you're not the beck and call shag on the side (even though, to be brutal, that's what you have been.)

Move on, steer clear of the married ones, and set your sights higher.

meditraitor

Anon100 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies - i'm not going to contact him again for a while at least - i have some of his stuff at my house so that needs to go. I just can't believe that he's just cut me off for no reason - i thought he'd at least have the balls to tell me it's over. Just goes to show i have crap judgement all round

But your only a bit on the side, you obviously have no respect for yourself why should he respect you?

AngryBadger

OP the long and short of this is that you were incredibly foolish/naieve/selfish to get involved with a married man and then after 6 years think you were ever going to be anything more than his number 2 lady.

Not trying to be harsh, or insensitive, but how could you fail to see that as long as he was staying married he was having his cake AND eating it too. You wanted to believe there was something to this and so you allowed him to use you for 6 years.

Move on as best you can, and try to exercise better judgement in future, you'll get no explanation from this guy, and frankly you're not really entitled to one since you tacitly went along with being his number 2 lady for 6 years, effectively sending the message that he could pick you up and let you down as it suited him.

MicraBoy

Everytime we've gotten frustrated before we've talked about it decided to stay perdominantley friends and play it by ear. He always reckoned i was his best friend and irrespective of what happened with us he wanted us to stay friends.

Sounds like he was giving you the emotional crutch you required to stay involved in a relationship that was going no where and had no future. I assume this was so he could continue to get his jollies (be they sexual or otherwise) from you.

You should accept that this guy is a scumbag who cheats on his wife for six years and hasn't the bottle to end it. You should accept this relationship will not give you what you need, EVER. After six years you definitely deserve an explanation, but because it is an affair you are not entitled to one. Especially not from this spineless twat.

Take this as a wake up call. Go and find someone who gives you what you need.

Anon100

Quote "Look, move on. Second best sucks - and he will NEVER leave his wife for you. Also, have a bit of self respect and hold your head high on this one, and even if hurt turns to bitterness, don't go the revenge route - don't go posting his belongings to his wife or anything like that".


I've already demeaned myself for the last 6 years i'm not going to stoop that low - i do realise she is the real victim in all of this. Mind you i do have his credit card numbers

Zulu

Anon100 wrote: »

I just can't believe that he's just cut me off for no reason

There was a reason, he's married.

i thought he'd at least have the balls to tell me it's over.

Well, thats what you get. He didn't have the balls to leave his wife.

not yet

There is nothing worse for a man then a woman texting,ringing etc when he needs to sort out his head.........

Leave him to sort his stuff out, then contact him in a week simply asking whats going on.

I do agree with a post on here that you were maybe a bit of fun etc.

Men hey........can't live with them, can't live with them.

Oryx

Your life with this man, has for him at least probably been a balancing act of love v guilt. He can love you and be your friend, but must still keep his 'real' life going. It was always only a matter of time before he could no longer cope with the duplicity of it. Id say his head is a mindstorm at the moment, especially given the frustration of not seeing you.

Let him be. Dont phone, dont text, and dont eat yourself up that the last 6 years were a waste or a lie. Appreciate what you had with him and accept it is now over, as was inevitable from the start.

And good luck in your future, I hope you find a full time man to love.

Karen_*

meditraitor wrote: »

But your only a bit on the side, you obviously have no respect for yourself why should he respect you?

Because he should treat people with respect regardless of how they themselves behave. Being an adult and all that.

OP I'm afraid you're just going to have to move on and it is horrible to not get the closure you deserve. And also its the waste of your time thats very sad too. And you kind of walked into it eyes open and disregarded another womans feelings which is also something that you have to deal with. No judgement as we're all capable of making bad choices and doing the wrong thing.

Don't contact him again. His poor wife is unfortunately landed with him and she's to be pitied as he'll never change. And you dodged a bullet because if he'd left her for you then you would have taken her place and been cheated on too. He's got no morals or scruples.

Mainly my advice would be to now get your own life together and not to ever take second place to someone else. And also take note of the pain you're feeling now and going forward do not contribute to anyone elses pain i.e someones wifes pain. Because it will end in tears as it has this time and they'll always be yours.

Karen_*

Anon100 wrote: »

Mind you i do have his credit card numbers

I know you're joking. But just in case you're not then don't add a criminal and bunnyboiler to your CV.;) Enough damage has been done. Channel your emotion positively towards yourself and getting a happier and healthier life for yourself.

Anon100

Karen_* wrote: »

I know you're joking. But just in case you're not then don't add a criminal and bunnyboiler to your lCV.;) Enough damage has been done. Channel your emotion positively towards yourself and getting a happier and healthier life for yourself.

I am, mind you i'm looking forward to the boxercise class i start tonight

I have to say when i posted i expected alot of (warranted) criticism, i know getting involved with a married man is the height of stupidity. Instead i have gotten compassion and some great advice. A few of your posts made me cry and realise that it is time to cop myself on and move on.

trio

Sadly, you weren't his best friend - you were his Mistress. I suspect this is how mistresses stay mistresses for years on end, by telling themselves that they are the Husbands best friend and that they understand each other like no one else - certainly not like the Wife.

You have essentially wasted six good years. But you are beginning to cop that so I won't harp on about it.

You basically want closure. Unfortunately I'm not sure you'll get it. This guy has been for many years, a coward. His marriage wasn't great but instead of getting out of it, he had an affair to get the flattery and excitement he wasn't getting at home, and drifted on for years.

Now he's acting cowardly by hoping that if he just ignores the problem (you), it'll just go away. And you probably will, in the end.

Personally, I do think that you deserve an explanation. Just because you're a mistress doesn't mean you don't need closure as much as anyone else.

So you could try the Private Number trick again, but this time if he says he'll ring you back, tell him that if he doesn't stay on the line and have a conversation with you, you'll just ring back over the next few weeks until you get a conversation.

And in the meanwhile, go out on the town and try to find a single guy. Ask them if they have a girlfriend/wife before you even shift them, this time. At the very least you're out of practise having a relationship with someone unattached, and you need to rediscover what that's like.

meditraitor

Anon100 wrote: »

I am, mind you i'm looking forward to the boxercise class i start tonight

I have to say when i posted i expected alot of (warranted) criticism, i know getting involved with a married man is the height of stupidity. Instead i have gotten compassion and some great advice. A few of your posts made me cry and realise that it is time to cop myself on and move on.

Good to hear your moving on but Im sure you wouldnt be getting these lovely compassionate
replies if they knew the victim of your sordid little relationship

The wife, and I for one dont think you deserve compassion.

What you are doing is despicable and selfish.

Grow the fuck up and get your own life instead of ruining anothers. Millions of single guys out there.

marti101

His wife found out,thats my guess.Maybe you werent the only one and he spread himself to thin and he got caught.Move on and find somebody not married and willing to have a relationship with you and only you.

Karen_*

Anon100 wrote: »

I am, mind you i'm looking forward to the boxercise class i start tonight

I have to say when i posted i expected alot of (warranted) criticism, i know getting involved with a married man is the height of stupidity. Instead i have gotten compassion and some great advice. A few of your posts made me cry and realise that it is time to cop myself on and move on.

Yeah it was the height of stupidity but you know that and there's none of us can beat you up as much as you will do yourself. I guess its just not necessary sometimes to point out what someone already knows. None of us are perfect and it does take guts to come and not just give half the story so kudos. You've wasted six years of your life on a man who was never really yours but you've had a lucky escape. Just make a standard for yourself that you won't do anything that you know will hurt someone else. Generate good Karma for yourself.:p I couldn't rant at you because I'm not so perfect myself and its not exactly constructive either.:D

I really hope you feel better soon. Take back control by never contacting him again and never replying to him if he contacts you. You'll feel alot better if you do either or both:)

AngryBadger

Anon100 wrote: »

I have to say when i posted i expected alot of (warranted) criticism, i know getting involved with a married man is the height of stupidity. Instead i have gotten compassion and some great advice. A few of your posts made me cry and realise that it is time to cop myself on and move on.

Well you're not the one doing the cheating, howsoever that's not the issue at hand.

The issue at hand is you realising that you set yourself up for this fall, and when you do that there's usually no-one to catch you at the bottom.

LegacyUser

I could have ranted at you having experienced first hand the devastation an affair wreaks on a family, not my OH, but my Dad to to my Mam, who is still suffering years later. But I thought the better of it as it will solve nothing and won't help you move on.
Suffice to say, he is selfish, you are selfish. The heartbreak you might feel is for a relationship that could never be anything more than it is now. So forget about it, him and stop texting and ringing him. He's married to someone else. You were his bit on the side nothing more. And he sounds like a creep.

LegacyUser

He clearly has it in him to be selfish,he has been cheating on his wife for years, so why does it surprise you that he is now treating you in a similar manner,get out now and next time find a single man.

Dwn Wth Vwls

Feeling like you need closure from him is a bad state of mind to be in. It means when he almost inevitably makes a reappearance in your life that you're still vulnerable. Yes, he suddenly cut off contact, but you're the one who has now realised that it's not what you want. Get on with your life and consider that chapter of it closed. When he does come knocking, tell him where he can get his stuff, tell him you've decided it's over, and then never have contact with him again. You've moved on and he doesn't matter anymore.

LegacyUser

I do feel sorry for you as it seems like you've wasted 6 years of your life and he doesn't have the balls to call you or answer your calls. For all you know he's found another woman to have an affair with and is just trying to cut you off.

Best thing to do is forget about it and move on. I really don't think he ever wanted to be with you, if he did you'd be together now.

There's plenty of decent men out there.

Anon100

Well i did get my answer after all, he rang me to say he's needed time to think after the text message i sent the other day. It was jokey but he took it up as me having a go at him because he's having problems sexually as a result of medication he's on. Not once have i nagged him to get Viagra, he's the one who always brought it up and a year and a half later still hasn't done anything about it.

So long story short i explained what i had meant, told him that if he could believe i'd be so bitchy then he didn't know me at all and it was time to end it. Funny thing is all i feel now is a huge sense of relief

Zulu

Good! Now put the whole thing behind you.

Amazotheamazing

Personally, I think you should tell his wife.

You've done the wrong thing for 6 years, you could at least show her some respect and tell her what type of worm her husband is, she will find out in time and maybe she's going to waste another 6 years or more of her life before she does.

Yes, it will be hard on her, and hard on you, him and any children, but personally, the alternative is worse imo.

Other than that, you went into with your eyes open and are somewhat free to walk away now, the wife was kept in the dark and may be trapped with this guy for good, unless you speak up.

Your decision of course, but you aren't helping her by leaving him alone, he'll find another "best friend" soon enough.

AARRRGH

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

Personally, I think you should tell his wife.

I disagree.

1. Don't get involved in other people's relationships as they probably won't react the way you think they will.
2. She doesn't deserve to be hurt.

LolaLuv

beth-lou wrote: »

You let yourself be second best for six years. Six years! It's about time you got some self respect and told him to sling his hook. Are you going to hang around for another six years?

To be honest he can't be a very good man if he was willing to betray his wife like this and expect you to put your life on hold for him for such a long time. It really does baffle me how people can let someone do this to them. Not the wife, because, God love her she is oblivious. But you knew he was unavailable and you accepted his sneaky, underhand and selfish behaviour. And still you are hanging on for him....I just can't understand how you could let somebody treat you with such disrespect.

As for you sleeping with another womans husband, well I'll stay silent on that one. What I would have to say would be too frank and hurtful for you and to be honest I think are suffering all ready. But do yourself a favour and find someone who is available, who can commit to you and who has your best interests at heart. Because this guy is thinking of no one but himself. He is not your friend. He was never your friend and never will be your friend. Friends don't treat ach other like that. He was just using you as a distraction outside his marraige and you made it easy for him.

Stop ringing him.
Stop thinking he is your friend.
Stop letting him hurt you.
Stop hurting yourself.
Go and got a life.
Get a boyfriend who can give you everything you need.
Get a boyfriend who is available, trustworthy, and can have a future with you.

Why oh why would you settle for anything less. It will always come down to this. Always.

+1million, especially the parts about getting self-respect and stopping hurting yourself. Something drove you to take on a such a self-destructive relationship, once you figure out what it is and heal it your life will change.

Amazotheamazing

AARRRGH wrote: »

I disagree.

1. Don't get involved in other people's relationships as they probably won't react the way you think they will.
2. She doesn't deserve to be hurt.

She'll be hurt in the long run anyhow, and the OP already got involved in an other person's relationship.

The guy isn't going to stop cheating just because his regular bit of fluff is off the scene.

Give the wife a chance to find someone who respects her, hell, maybe even someone who actually loves her.

AARRRGH

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

Give the wife a chance to find someone who respects her, hell, maybe even someone who actually loves her.

I suspect she knows about the cheating and has accepted it somewhat.

Relationships are complicated hence why I never get involved in other people's business.

LolaLuv

Anon100 wrote: »

Well i did get my answer after all, he rang me to say he's needed time to think after the text message i sent the other day. It was jokey but he took it up as me having a go at him because he's having problems sexually as a result of medication he's on. Not once have i nagged him to get Viagra, he's the one who always brought it up and a year and a half later still hasn't done anything about it.

So long story short i explained what i had meant, told him that if he could believe i'd be so bitchy then he didn't know me at all and it was time to end it. Funny thing is all i feel now is a huge sense of relief

Wait, so you ended it? If so, major props to you. It isn't easy to end such an addiction.

BaZmO*

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

Personally, I think you should tell his wife.

She'd be absolutely crazy to do that. If ever there was a lose lose situation that's it right there.

Zulu

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

Personally, I think you should tell his wife.

Worst. Advice. Ever.

beth-lou

BaZmO* wrote: »

She'd be absolutely crazy to do that. If ever there was a lose lose situation that's it right there.

Really, for who? The mistress? The husband? I think the wife has a lot to gain from the truth.
In fairness the wife deserves to know so she can make an informed decision about the rat she is married to. It always baffles me how people protect the person who is being unfaithful under the guise that they are protecting the the other person. You're not protecting them. You allowing the betrayal to continue.

Anyway OP, I'm glad you finished it. But Ir eally hope that you stick to your guns. This is a no win situation.

Amazotheamazing

Zulu wrote: »

Worst. Advice. Ever.

So the OP can have a quiet life and the husband is free to cheat again?

At some point the affairs are going to be found out, and delaying the pain isn't any help to the wife in this situation.

I'm not suggesting telling the wife to get back at the husband, but rather tell the wife because it is utterly unfair to leave a person go on believing they are in a happy marriage when the husband is a cheating coward.

Maybe the wife already knows, maybe she doesn't. the OP has undermined the marriage for 6 years, made a fool of the wife and made a fool of herself. She's able to walk away, the wife is trapped in a marriage with a guy who has zero respect for her.

Frankly, the OP's feelings aren't massively important to me, but I do greatly sympathise with the wife. Let her know and give her the respect as an adult to do what she wants with the information.

It will come out eventually, so there's no point in delaying the pain.

LolaLuv

beth-lou wrote: »

Really, for who? The mistress? The husband? I think the wife has a lot to gain from the truth.
In fairness the wife deserves to know so she can make an informed decision about the rat she is married to. It always baffles me how people protect the person who is being unfaithful under the guise that they are protecting the the other person. You're not protecting them. You allowing the betrayal to continue.

Anyway OP, I'm glad you finished it. But Ir eally hope that you stick to your guns. This is a no win situation.

Honestly, there's no way the wife doesn't know. The wife almost always knows, she's just in denial. If she doesn't want to face the truth, why force her to? And if she doesn't have any clue what's going on, then the affair must not be affecting the marriage in any discernible way; why ruin that after it's finished? Ignorance is bliss.

Amazotheamazing

PillyPen wrote: »

Honestly, there's no way the wife doesn't know. The wife almost always knows, she's just in denial. If she doesn't want to face the truth, why force her to? And if she doesn't have any clue what's going on, then the affair must not be affecting the marriage in any discernible way; why ruin that after it's finished? Ignorance is bliss.

Not true, I work in the area of family law, and you'd be surprised of just how many people have no idea their OH is having an affair. Course, it's devastating when they find out and imo, eventually everyone finds out.

This notion of the accepting wife who turns a blind eye is a common myth cheaters use to justify not facing up to their actions.

beth-lou

PillyPen wrote: »

Honestly, there's no way the wife doesn't know. The wife almost always knows, she's just in denial. If she doesn't want to face the truth, why force her to? And if she doesn't have any clue what's going on, then the affair must not be affecting the marriage in any discernible way; why ruin that after it's finished? Ignorance is bliss.

Bull crap. I had to tell my Mam my Dad was having an affair at the age of 15 because all of her friends were too scared to do so. She didn't know, but when I told her, then suddenly everyone else told her different stories and the truth came out. So that line is a cop out.
And the affair affected all of us, before she found out and after and still does.

LolaLuv

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

Not true, I work in the area of family law, and you'd be surprised of just how many people have no idea their OH is having an affair. Course, it's devastating when they find out and imo, eventually everyone finds out.

This notion of the accepting wife who turns a blind eye is a common myth cheaters use to justify not facing up to their actions.

I'm not saying she was an accepting wife, but rather that after an affair has gone on for six years there's no way she could not have the slightest inkling. She probably has had many suspicious moments but has chosen not to act on them. Who knows why, if it were me it would be because I wouldn't be strong enough to deal with the fallout, so I'd convince myself my suspicions were just paranoia.

Anyway, I doubt this is helpful to the OP. She hasn't said anything about telling the wife.

LolaLuv

beth-lou wrote: »

Bull crap. I had to tell my Mam my Dad was having an affair at the age of 15 because all of her friends were too scared to do so. She didn't know, but when I told her, then suddenly everyone else told her different stories and the truth came out. So that line is a cop out.
And the affair affected all of us, before she found out and after and still does.

That sucks that you had to do that, but it's an entirely different situation than the OP is currently in. And I don't want to say anything else because now you've personalized things and that makes having a debate about it more difficult.

MagicMarker

Hi OP,

Karma's a bitch eh?

What's worse about this situation is that if he decides after getting his sorted out, that he'd like to continue seeing you, you'd probably agree to it.

Sad.

Dudess

He had the affair too you know. I'm pretty confident the OP didn't put a gun to his head.

littlefriend

Anon100 wrote: »

i'm not going to contact him again for a while at least - i have some of his stuff at my house so that needs to go./quote]


I know this is a tough time but are you CRAZY?? Why would you contact him again ever?
The stuff of his in your house - get rid of it. Keeping it is just an excuse - and if you are really honest with yourself, pathetic - a way to maintain contact with a man who is a lying cheat. You are probably thinking [hoping] he will want to collect his stuff and you will get your answers or get him back then - you won't. If he does end up contacting you again, you will get some bull**** story that will pull all the right heartstrings and sooner or later you will be in this situation again. Bin his stuff, burn it, just get rid of it. He doesn't even have the balls to finish things with you.

Tell some of your friends and let them help you get over him.

Jesus I hate ppl who cheat [I'm talking about him]