One last effort with sex life

LegacyUser

Been with my partner for 4.5 years. We have a pretty good relationship bar sex!

We're pretty much having the same sex we had when we start going out. No experimentation, a couple of different positions, no sex toys, so sexy underwear* (her view of sexy and mine are radically different!) no dirty talk etc...

Now I have tried many many times to get her to come out of her shell, when we start going out she was a size 10. She had a parental death about 1 year into our relationship it came very sudden and she went up to a size 18 and we didnt have sex for i'd say 9 months though it may have been 12 months. Eventually so on our 3 year anniversary she was a size 6-8 and has been like that now for 1.5 years. now even when she was big i still found her sexy.
But she thinks she's not sexy and fails to understand how I can think she's sexy when she doesnt feel sexy. When were out she always has guys checking her out I even point them out to try and give her a confidence boost! so when were in bed she's very shy she always wants to be under the covers so I cant see her body (she's got a great body) she's afraid to try anything new in case she looks stupid!

Tbh with a previous GF I had sex more times in 6 months than I have in the last 4.5 years with my current GF (lates 20's btw) and as I said we've talked about this so many times til i'm blue in the face she promises to changes but nothing happens! After she lost her weight we went underwear shopping...it was the same granny pants stuff she always wears and it was meant to be sexy! now I wasnt looking for her to have pornstar underwear on everyday and i know ladies like the comfort but i mean we go away every couple of months for a night in a hotel and to have dinner and just spend some time together but and i would have liked to undress her from the standard bridget jones stuff she has on.

I even bought underwear for her, nothing wild she seen a similar thing in one of those mail order catalogues so I bought it for her, she tried it on, (she looked amazing) said she didnt like it ( i said lets go back to shop and get one you do like answer: No) then it was put in her wardrobe and I havent seen it since!

So we had sex on saturday night same old stuff, I just sat her down yesterday and told her things needed to change and this was the last time, I told her to pick underwear she liked and I would buy it, I'm told her a million times she's incredibly attractive, but she just cant get over the face she things she'll embarrass/look stupid if she tries anything new in bed and I cant deal with it anymore, I dont want to be 50 and having the same sex I'm having now I want variety I want to do different things but for want of a better term she just wants me to hop on top for a few minutes and roll over, she does enjoy the sex we have to a point but he confidence wont let her let go if you know what i mean.

Thanks for listening I know its a rant but i'm at my wits end

Stargal

You mentioned how you want your girlfriend to wear sexy underwear at least five times in your post - but from everything you've said it sounds like she really isn't happy with how she looks. Constantly trying to get her to wear sexy underwear isn't going to help her or improve your sex life.

Stop fixating on the underwear for a while. Instead, try and get your sex life back on track. What she wears isn't the most important thing.

Don't expect to be using sex toys and trying loads of different positions immediately. Work up to it. Start off by just trying to have good, regular sex. Then you can start trying new things. Also this may already be the case but be affectionate towards her a lot, not just when you want to have sex with her. She might be feeling under pressure from you already.

The single most striking thing here is that you haven't asked her about what she wants. You're the one doing all the pushing, but there must be something that she likes doing in bed? Try and find out what that is and then work on doing that.

Marksie

efforts wrote: »

We're pretty much having the same sex we had when we start going out. No experimentation, a couple of different positions, no sex toys, so sexy underwear* (her view of sexy and mine are radically different!) no dirty talk etc...

efforts wrote: »

Now I have tried many many times to get her to come out of her shell,

efforts wrote: »

I even point them out to try and give her a confidence boost!

efforts wrote: »

Tbh with a previous GF I had sex more times in 6 months than I have in the last 4.5 years with my current GF

efforts wrote: »

I said we've talked about this so many times til i'm blue in the face she promises to changes but nothing happens!

Please note the bold is my highlighting

efforts wrote: »

I wasnt looking for her to have pornstar underwear on everyday

efforts wrote: »

i would have liked to undress her from the standard bridget jones stuff she has on.

efforts wrote: »

I even bought underwear for her, nothing wild she seen a similar thing in one of those mail order catalogues so I bought it for her

efforts wrote: »

So we had sex on saturday night same old stuff, I just sat her down yesterday and told her things needed to change and this was the last time,

efforts wrote: »

I told her to pick underwear she liked and I would buy it, I'm told her a million times she's incredibly attractive

efforts wrote: »

I want variety

efforts wrote: »

I want to do different things

So apart from doing everything for her and asking for what you want. Have you ever asked her what she wants?

Edit: ditto stargal, i was juts quoting points

beth-lou

It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on her to look a certain way, and even you commenting on how other guys look at her, sounds as though you are focussing too much on how she looks. Sounds as though she wants you to accept her the way she is. Maybe tell her you think she is beautiful and the undies and toys are just for fun. The more pressure you apply, the more she is going to think she has to perform and the less enjoyable it will be. Can you try a gentler approach maybe?

LegacyUser

I ask her all the time but the reply i get is "whatever you want to do" usually she just ignores the questions I ask her, I mean if were in bed and I ask her does she want me to head downtown, the reply is if you want.

sorry i only mention the underwear because if we ever watch tv and there's a woman in underwear she'll say "oh i really like that etc" but if i ever went a got it for her I'd never see her wear it!

I'm not putting pressure on her to look a certain way, but she lacks confidence yet she is gorgeous as i said when we go out she gets a lot of glances now this happens whether she's out walking or whether she's out on a saturday night and the 2 dress codes are quite different! I have tried the gentle approach when she was big it didnt bother me and I was still attracted to her, she knew that but she wasnt in the right frame of mind to be having sex. she knows the toys are for fun, I dont want to use them every night, they would be novelties, and if we used them every night we'd both soon we become bored of them. As I said also we go away every couple of months for a night and it would be times like these that i would like something different, if she asked me to do something I would but she's so afraid of making a fool of herself she wont try anything, she wont take a risk

I dont mean to come across as a shallow sex obsessed bf but i've tried the gentle approach, the demanding approach, the lets go shopping and i'll buy whatever you want approach.. I even went on a sex strike to try and get her to tell me what she wanted but that failed miserably


















So apart from doing everything for her and asking for what you want. Have you ever asked her what she wants?[/QUOTE]

LolaDub

I think you've received good advice already. You haven't considered what she wants and seems like you're just trying to force your desires on her. She clearly has insecurity about sex and how she looks and your attitude is probably making it worse. I would think what you need to do is talk to her, ie listening and asking her! Tell her gently that you understand she is insecure and you're sorry for being pushy but you would really like to try to spice things up and ask her to suggest how. If you want to buy her underwear why don't you buy something similar to the granny knickers that is just a tiny bit different in a good way to you. I think little steps are the key here as she doesn't sound comfortable at present. Try to make little changes and when she's comfortable with them move on another little step. Does she actually enjoy sex or is she also at her wits end with your persistency?

Edit-just saw your second post. It does come across like you're forcing her. Perhaps try concentrate on letting her know how beautiful you fins her as opposed to sexy. Is there any intimacy/smiling/jokes/anything when you have sex? Do you only ever have sex at bedtime or in the bed? The girl sounds blatantly not comfortable, i think she's come to the stage where she's too insecure too perform with you. To be honest i'm not trying to sound horrible to you but it seems as though its more you are the issue than her. Insecurity in the sack is quite common with women and trying to make them be what you want in bed will make it worse.

LegacyUser

LolaDub wrote: »

Does she actually enjoy sex or is she also at her wits end with your persistency?

she does up to a point, but tbh anything that involves her say lying on the bed naked with everything on show is a non runner unless its pitch black. As i said she's just a afraid of looking stupid, and I've tried the softly softly approach it pretty much gets ignored!

Marksie

efforts wrote: »

, I just sat her down yesterday and told her things needed to change and this was the last time,

efforts wrote: »

.. I even went on a sex strike to try and get her to tell me what she wanted but that failed miserably

Funny enough i have never found coercion or emotional blackmail to be very effective in opening a partner to both intimacy and sexual exploration.
You see one of the basic elements in being adventurous is being comfortable and trusting your partner.

I will say that having read the above posts, then that isn't there.

There is a little "rule" in tantric sexuality circles. if you want your partner to become and ecstatic lover, you become one yourself.
In that case you have to go right back to basics and establish intimacy and trust. Noy rule by coercion and pressure.
Take the heat off her.
Examine yourself first not your partner, your own motivation. establish comfort and trust into your relationship and gently explore not your pleasure but hers.

Do it openly without any expectation.

LolaDub

efforts wrote: »

she does up to a point, but tbh anything that involves her say lying on the bed naked with everything on show is a non runner unless its pitch black. As i said she's just a afraid of looking stupid, and I've tried the softly softly approach it pretty much gets ignored!

You really don't seem to have considered why she feels uneasy about her body or what you can do to help her. I think she should drop all of this discussion for a while and go with what she wants. Sex in the dark under a duvet etc, when she realises that you love her more than you love spicey sex she might feel more reassured and thats the first step.

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote: »

Funny enough i have never found coercion or emotional blackmail to be very effective in opening a partner to both intimacy and sexual exploration.
You see one of the basic elements in being adventurous is being comfortable and trusting your partner.

I tried the softly approach in our first year together it didnt work it was like talking to a brick wall, she has been like this since day 1, i feel i have had to resort to acting like this to try and get her to see how serious an issue it is not just for me but for our relationship. I do not want to be in a relationship where we have the same sex, in the same positions for the rest of our lives. apart from the sex we have a great relationship and thats why it baffles me, when her parent died I was there for her (as I should be) I always make time for her, I treat her with respect, I'll bring her out for dinner, I do more than my share of house duties (how romantic ) her family ask for my help in certain situations, I get on with her friends very well, I'm not even friends with her friends BFs, She knew me before, I dont cheat, I dont treat women bad (well at least I didnt til i read some of these replies ) we actually do a lot of stuff together, when were out she is very affectionate as in always holding my hand and kissing me yet when it comes to sex it just stops and it confused the hell out of me.

LegacyUser

LolaDub wrote: »

You really don't seem to have considered why she feels uneasy about her body or what you can do to help her. I think she should drop all of this discussion for a while and go with what she wants. Sex in the dark under a duvet etc, when she realises that you love her more than you lovely spicey sex she might feel more reassured and thats the first step.

I have! I didnt really mention anything like this until year 3 in our relationship but since then its snowballing for me, she originally brought it up.

We've been doing the sex in the dark under the duvet since we start going out. isnt 4.5 years enough time to feel reassured??

milod

OP, you don't seem to be getting much in the way of sympathy in this thread, and that's perhaps because your desperation and frustration are showing.

Unless someone has actually been in a similar situation (I have, believe me...) they're never going to understand how it becomes an all consuming obsession.

The lack of a good sex-life is enough to ruin a marriage, and you've probably become trapped in a vicious circle at this stage. You're now so focused on trying to fix the problem, that you'll come across as pushy or desperate.

I suggest you ask your partner to come with you for some sort of counselling/therapy so that you get a more even-handed, unbiased view. It certainly sounds like your partner might have serious hang-ups around the issue of sex - but it's too late for you to 'fix' them. On your own, you won't overcome the negative dynamic that's been introduced into the equation.

Also be prepared for the worst - she may not agree to compromise with you (my ex didn't and it eventually finished our marriage after 12 years). On the other hand it might work - tell her you sincerely want to make things better and perhaps apologise for trying to coerce her with the "this is the last time..." approach. Best of luck...

Annie Bananie

To me it sounds like she has a very low self esteem, maybe she needs to go see someone and talk? I am not the hottest girl on the planet, but still I have enough self esteem to show my body off to my bf and I will believe him if he tells me he finds me attractive. I think most people do. If she doesnt believe you, I do think she might have self esteem issues, which can result in not wanting to have sex.

Velvet Vocals

She needs to go on Goks How to look good naked!!
No seriously, she obviously has huge self esteem issues and she needs to work through that.
No amount of sexy knickers or sex toys is going to fix what’s going on her head. Without pleasing you she needs to look in the mirror and feel happy with what she sees. The only way you're going to have a happy sex life is by getting her to address that. May I suggest counseling (I seem to be doing that all day today)

Also try approaching touching and being naked differently. Give her a massage and slowly undress her... that way she'll be more relaxed, she might not let you take everything off but it could be somewhere to start. Or run her a lovely bath with candles and all that and sit in the bathroom with her for a little bit while she's in there... just for a chat.... If nakedness is not always associated with sex it might become more comfortable

Dinter

efforts wrote: »

Been with my partner for 4.5 years. We have a pretty good relationship bar sex!

Tbh sex is important. It helps to reinforce intimacy and if you're not enjoying it your frustrations will start impacting on how you and your girlfriend get on. That's possibly why you refer to your relationship as "pretty good" which isn't the most gushing way of describing one.

It's obvious from your post that you have been supportive of her and I would imagine that you're not as shallow as your repeated references to underwear and what you want might make you appear. This is evident from the fact that you stayed with her as her looks changed and through a long dry spell.

Frankly though it now appears from your ultimatim to her that you're beginning to attach too much importance to "varied" sex at the expense of your relationship. Although that's understandable it appears that you're treating your relationship as some sort of business contract by attaching terms and conditions to what happens in the bedroom.

You complain at the limitations you must perform under. The fact there are no toys or underwear or new positions. Sex should be more organic than that. It should evolve during the act. You don't sit down with a partner beforehand and agree on what's going to happen. Instead why not work in a new position when the oppurtunity arises. Have a fluid, flexible game plan in your head that you can change as necessary to fit.

Most women, especially those with body image issues, are at their most vulnerable when they're naked. She is obviously uncomfortable but you really aren't helping. While you might be annoyed by the lack of imagination she will probably think you're turned off by her. No matter how many times you comfort and reassure her about her attractiveness your muffled tuts at the same old missionary position will be interpreted by her as disappointment by you about her! Not the act itself but her part in it.

If I were you I'd try to relax. You have a girlfriend you obviously love so you need to learn that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. Your sex life has not been great so far but trust me the more pressure you put on it the less enjoyable it's going to be for all concerned. Try and go a couple of months without saying anything to her about her "faults". When she feels comfortable that your satisfied with her you'll discover that she will be more open minded to satisfying you.

Oh yeah, buying her underwear is a bad idea. She is obviously uncomfortable with it and you high lighting her "failure" to pleasure you is not going to make her any more settled in bed.

LolaDub

From the sounds of it the OP isn't complaining about bad sex just not getting what he wants. We nearly all go through some level of either not getting what we want or having someone else try to push something they want on us. Neither is a pleasant situation. Personally i would prefer to not be getting everything i wanted than to force someone else. At the end of the day there are (usually) two people having sex together the opinions and comfort of both deserve to be respected.

OP just a teeny idea but have you thought about sending her a link to agent provocateur or something like that, they do some sexy style granny knickers mixed with a lot of stripper underwear, you could send her the link to the granniest undies you can find or what you know she'd go for saying i'm looking forward to seeing you in these next weekend, i'll give you a budget of x amount to get whatever YOU WANT and leave it at that. I think she'll appreciate you asking her what she wants without her feeling under pressure to give you an asnwer immediately. She can take her own time to browse the site and ear mark what she likes. On the specific night you could ask her to wear the undies she got to dinner but don't ask her about them at all. Don't talk about sex at all and just enjoy a romantic meal together. A few roses for her i think wouldn't go amiss. Then enjoy your time in bed.

I think you've forgetten about romance when it comes to sex. I would find romance more of a turn on than sex but when you mix them together it can be a wonderful combination!

LegacyUser

Velvet Vocals wrote: »

Also try approaching touching and being naked differently. Give her a massage and slowly undress her... that way she'll be more relaxed, she might not let you take everything off but it could be somewhere to start. Or run her a lovely bath with candles and all that and sit in the bathroom with her for a little bit while she's in there... just for a chat.... If nakedness is not always associated with sex it might become more comfortable

We'll often share a bath/shower naked together but she would never have sex in it, yet she would be in there completely naked with me, it just confuses me

RoosterIllusion

Sex is an important part of any relationship.

If you are not getting what you need from the relationship (sexual or otherwise) then it is up to you to approach your partner about this. If it cannot be worked out then the relationship is not working out and you should consider ending it.

jim o doom

Dinter wrote: »

You complain at the limitations you must perform under. The fact there are no toys or underwear or new positions. Sex should be more organic than that. It should evolve during the act. You don't sit down with a partner beforehand and agree on what's going to happen. Instead why not work in a new position when the oppurtunity arises. Have a fluid, flexible game plan in your head that you can change as necessary to fit.

Oh yeah, buying her underwear is a bad idea. She is obviously uncomfortable with it and you high lighting her "failure" to pleasure you is not going to make her any more settled in bed.

In relation to your first point, I can understand how you are viewing the situation, but I don't really agree with it. From the ops post, it sounds like she is basically playing "dead fish". I know this is a bit of a harsh term, but from the description it sounds like his girlfriend more or less lies naked in the dark and does nothing.. that does not sound like a normal sexual relationship, and having a sex life that is more organic is impossible or difficult if both parties are not fully engaged.. and it doesnt sound like she is - due to whatever ways she feels about being nude, etc.. I would agree with posters suggesting that some sort of counselling be sought. I can understand how frustrating that must be as I was in a similar situation myself, and a completely unfulfilling sex life can ruin an otherwise good relationship, as it is an important part of our lives.. it encourages stress relief and bonding between couples, plus releases hormones etc.

I'd say let off the pressure for a bit, maybe seek counselling, try different stuff in the dark until she gets used to it & work on and up

Dinter

RoosterIllusion wrote: »

If you are not getting what you need from the relationship (sexual or otherwise) then it is up to you to approach your partner about this. If it cannot be worked out then the relationship is not working out and you should consider ending it.

No way. The more stress and pressure you put on the act and "importance" you attach to it the less appealing it's going to be to a person with body image issues.

If you think your sex life is plain, normal or boring then liven it up yourself during it. Really, don't have a talk about it beforehand. You are only going to make things worse.

Let it grow itself. Constantly moaning about it in your own head and being disappointed is not condusive to a good sex life.

Velvet Vocals

efforts wrote: »

We'll often share a bath/shower naked together but she would never have sex in it, yet she would be in there completely naked with me, it just confuses me

tbh that is confusing. From everything I'd read before I assumed it was body issues, but if she can be in the shower/bath naked with you and I assume walk around then if that’s the case then it might be a purely sexual issue..... Again that’s something that only she knows and that will have to be talked out either with or without counseling. How do you feel about counseling? Is it something you'd be willing to give a go? There are a few really good sex therapists out there

Dinter

efforts wrote: »

We'll often share a bath/shower naked together but she would never have sex in it, yet she would be in there completely naked with me, it just confuses me

It's because unconsiously you are turning sex and what happens in the bedroom into a massive uncomfortable mess for her.

She doesn't associate the bathroom with sex so is more comfortable with being there naked.

jim o doom

Dinter wrote: »

No way. The more stress and pressure you put on the act and "importance" you attach to it the less appealing it's going to be to a person with body image issues.

Let it grow itself. Constantly moaning about it in your own head and being disappointed is not condusive to a good sex life.

I'd totally agree with the first thing there; more stress & pressure is going to cause more problems.
But its not as black and white as that. The op has obviously been with this girl a long time, and even put up with up to a year of no sex :eek: because of issues the girl was having; call me callous but after half a year I would have left, love or no love, I am but a simple man with a simple mans needs (i.e. sex).

in relation to the second thing there; as he has been with her for a number of years, even discounting the year they spent not having sex; and it has not "grown in itself", so there is clearly an issue there, I don't think he is moaning so much as reaching the end of a tether after a long time of being patient.. and coming to an online community for their views.

If you do love her; I'd say try work out some stress with a bit of porno so you can be more patient with your real love life. :pac:

LegacyUser

LolaDub wrote: »

OP just a teeny idea but have you thought about sending her a link to agent provocateur or something like that, they do some sexy style granny knickers mixed with a lot of stripper underwear, you could send her the link to the granniest undies you can find or what you know she'd go for saying i'm looking forward to seeing you in these next weekend, i'll give you a budget of x amount to get whatever YOU WANT and leave it at that. I think she'll appreciate you asking her what she wants without her feeling under pressure to give you an asnwer immediately. She can take her own time to browse the site and ear mark what she likes. On the specific night you could ask her to wear the undies she got to dinner but don't ask her about them at all. Don't talk about sex at all and just enjoy a romantic meal together. A few roses for her i think wouldn't go amiss. Then enjoy your time in bed.

I think you've forgetten about romance when it comes to sex. I would find romance more of a turn on than sex but when you mix them together it can be a wonderful combination!

guys thanks for the advice and its probably made me see that i am being a bit to blunt about the whole thing. On the agent provocateur thing, we were in NY a few months ago and stayed at a hotel which had a victorias secret pretty much next door, we went in she liked some stuff... I popped down later and got her a gift voucher for it... thats not at home in her drawer I told her to go and buy whatever she wanted and she didnt and the stuff there is nice classy stuff!
I've also sent her a couple of links but she just wont do anything!

on the romance, unfortunately I am the king of cheesy romance.. i've done the candles and bath thing, brought her to the beach for a mid night picnic, I would buy her a lot of flowers, not just on her birthday etc, but if say on a friday were meeting in town i'd buy her some, or if she's going away for the weekend i'd buy her some, done the rose petals on the bed too

LolaDub

efforts wrote: »

We'll often share a bath/shower naked together but she would never have sex in it, yet she would be in there completely naked with me, it just confuses me

Perhaps its because having a bath with your partner is romantic and she knows sh doesn't have to have sex so she's more comfortable. I don't think you can see the difference between romance and sex. Its a pretty big deal to women, i think if you work on the romance and give the sex pestering a break you might get somewhere.

RoosterIllusion wrote: »

Sex is an important part of any relationship.

If you are not getting what you need from the relationship (sexual or otherwise) then it is up to you to approach your partner about this. If it cannot be worked out then the relationship is not working out and you should consider ending it.

Totally disagree with you there. People don't have to have sex because they're in a relationship-its a choice. If the op said this it would push his gf further away.

jim o doom wrote: »

In relation to your first point, I can understand how you are viewing the situation, but I don't really agree with it. From the ops post, it sounds like she is basically playing "dead fish". I know this is a bit of a harsh term, but from the description it sounds like his girlfriend more or less lies naked in the dark and does nothing.. that does not sound like a normal sexual relationship

This isn't a normal sexual relationship-the ops gf has body image issues and is quite insecure about sex. Its a situation that deserves a unique approach not just like it or lump it.

jim o doom wrote: »

I'd say let off the pressure for a bit, maybe seek counselling, try different stuff in the dark until she gets used to it & work on and up

I think a lot of people agree with this.

Dinter wrote: »

No way. The more stress and pressure you put on the act and "importance" you attach to it the less appealing it's going to be to a person with body image issues.

If you think your sex life is plain, normal or boring then liven it up yourself during it. Really, don't have a talk about it beforehand. You are only going to make things worse.

Let it grow itself. Constantly moaning about it in your own head and being disappointed is not condusive to a good sex life.

I totally agree with this. Op you need to help your girlfriend here and by doing so you will help yourself in this situation.

LegacyUser

Velvet Vocals wrote: »

tbh that is confusing. From everything I'd read before I assumed it was body issues, but if she can be in the shower/bath naked with you and I assume walk around then if that’s the case then it might be a purely sexual issue..... Again that’s something that only she knows and that will have to be talked out either with or without counseling. How do you feel about counseling? Is it something you'd be willing to give a go? There are a few really good sex therapists out there

Tell me about it, we've only been on a couple of sun holidays, but she's went topless a few days. so i am extremely confused!

I would have no problem going for counselling but tbh i havent suggested it yet not sure why, maybe I think she'll think she's weirdo or something

Dinter

jim o doom wrote: »

in relation to the second thing there; as he has been with her for a number of years, even discounting the year they spent not having sex; and it has not "grown in itself", so there is clearly an issue there, I don't think he is moaning so much as reaching the end of a tether after a long time of being patient.. and coming to an online community for their views.

That's true and if he was to have said that he was with her for three months or so I'd advise him to cut ties and leg it! The fact that it's 4.5 years though means he should give it the extra bit of effort.

Tbh his post is a litany of him trying to push her to do things she's clearly uncomfortable with and asking her has really only picked up the pace in the last 18 months*.




*That's not to say I think he's been anything but infinitely patient with her.

RoosterIllusion

Dinter wrote: »

No way. The more stress and pressure you put on the act and "importance" you attach to it the less appealing it's going to be to a person with body image issues.

If you think your sex life is plain, normal or boring then liven it up yourself during it. Really, don't have a talk about it beforehand. You are only going to make things worse.

Let it grow itself. Constantly moaning about it in your own head and being disappointed is not condusive to a good sex life.

LolaDub wrote: »

Totally disagree with you there. People don't have to have sex because they're in a relationship-its a choice. If the op said this it would push his gf further away.

I think that both of you are misinterpreting me. I was highlighting that the OP has a responsibility to approach his partner about it instead of assuming she will eventually get the message.

I never said they have to have sex, I said that if the OP feels that there is a factor in his relationship which is missing then he should try and solve that problem by discussing it with his partner. In this case the solution could be the two of them never having sex again (stupid example, but an example nonetheless) or totally revolutionising the way they have sex. It's bringing the issue up thats the priority.

My point was that the OP should be talking about this with his partner. Communication appears to be an issue here, whether he said it explicitly or not the fact that he is posting on an internet forum indicates that there is a communication problem.

jim o doom

LolaDub wrote: »

Perhaps its because having a bath with your partner is romantic and she knows sh doesn't have to have sex so she's more comfortable. I don't think you can see the difference between romance and sex. Its a pretty big deal to women, i think if you work on the romance and give the sex pestering a break you might get somewhere.

Agree with regards to romance; It shows you care, and if you make an effort on something that you wouldn't normally do, then you get that effort in return..

In relation to the quote however, I must emphatically disagree.
I have relationships with no sex, these relationships are called friendships.
If there is no sex life, or sexual attraction the relationship is platonic and is just a friendship.. As far as I am concerned sex & sexual attraction are a major part of any good relationship..

Of course that could just mean I am a cynically sex obsessed spanner.. but I hope thats not the case

LolaDub

efforts wrote: »

guys thanks for the advice and its probably made me see that i am being a bit to blunt about the whole thing. On the agent provocateur thing, we were in NY a few months ago and stayed at a hotel which had a victorias secret pretty much next door, we went in she liked some stuff... I popped down later and got her a gift voucher for it... thats not at home in her drawer I told her to go and buy whatever she wanted and she didnt and the stuff there is nice classy stuff!
I've also sent her a couple of links but she just wont do anything!

on the romance, unfortunately I am the king of cheesy romance.. i've done the candles and bath thing, brought her to the beach for a mid night picnic, I would buy her a lot of flowers, not just on her birthday etc, but if say on a friday were meeting in town i'd buy her some, or if she's going away for the weekend i'd buy her some, done the rose petals on the bed too

Could it be your idea of romance and clasy just aren't hers? Theres obviously a number of issues here not just the underwear. Personally i would go credit card crazy if a guy told me to buy what i liked from a lingerie store. I also don't find victorias secret particularly classy but theres so much it would be hard not to find something you wanted. When you are being romantic is the end result sex? Whatever you've done to get sex before i think you need to relax on and see showing her that you care as the end result for now.

LolaDub

jim o doom wrote: »

Agree with regards to romance; It shows you care, and if you make an effort on something that you wouldn't normally do, then you get that effort in return..

In relation to the quote however, I must emphatically disagree.
I have relationships with no sex, these relationships are called friendships.
If there is no sex life, or sexual attraction the relationship is platonic and is just a friendship.. As far as I am concerned sex & sexual attraction are a major part of any good relationship..

Of course that could just mean I am a cynically sex obsessed spanner.. but I hope thats not the case

Jim i'm no prude when it comes to sex but if a guy i'd sarted dating said that to me that would be it! I don't think someone should have to have sex because they're in a relationship. Sex is a choice not an obligation.

Op would it be possible your gf sees sex as an obligation?

Wibbs

jim o doom wrote: »

In relation to the quote however, I must emphatically disagree.
I have relationships with no sex, these relationships are called friendships.
If there is no sex life, or sexual attraction the relationship is platonic and is just a friendship.. As far as I am concerned sex & sexual attraction are a major part of any good relationship..

I have to agree here. I would not consider a non sexual relationship as anything but a friendship. Men and women are in relationships ultimately because it will lead to sex. OK there are other areas of intimacy that can and should be explored, but the genders are built for that(does not imply gay couples are not real relationships btw). Doesn't have to be at the start, or rushed into, but this level? No. I would add that intimacy including and beyond sex are also a major part.

If there's a disparity between a couple it's a recipe for disaster. People differ in their sexual responses and comfort zones. Not that you would think it given how much sexuality is portrayed nowadays but not everyone is big into sex. It's not a "fault", that's just the way they are. As I say if people are matched in that then great, if they place different levels of imprtance to sex then.....

Lay off the underwear fetish. That will just drive her away more. It may make her feel you can't find her attractive without "help". More caresses and intimacy and less talk about what you want for the moment. Add humour to the equation. If a woman is self conscious humour can go a long way to defusing that. Make a bit of an eejit of yourself if you're both naked. Play more, have fun without wobbly bits being on the menu. The more you push the more she will be pushed away. Now she may have a naturally low sex drive, but it's also possible that she would respond sexually to someone else and their different approach. It hasnt worked for you so far so I would say change the tack and see where that takes you.

amom

before id start counselling sessions etc why not try something fun for her first what i am about too suggest is not as full on and might be good as a first step?? find out the nearest place that they do pole dancing classes and rope in a few of her mates and pay for them to go there first ,then out on a girlie night not only are the classes confidence boosting but its an all female environment so its a really good giggle! i agree with everyone her confidence has taken a real bashing and she needs to reclaim that again, its fine to be told that your hot and have guys fancy you but if you look in the mirror and you dont see what everyone else is then no amount of talking will help! from personal experience i have tried the pole dancing and it was brilliant fun as well as being beneficial because not only do you feel incredibly sexy after a few classes but your ability to laugh at yourself and do things you'd otherwise feel stupid doing really kicks in and you dont care as much! i dont think it would be too heavy handed to start with and if she's a good laugh normally then i think she'd really enjoy herself! and if she gets into it.....you'd better watch out, it'll be a completely different post here in a few weeks!!!:D

spinandscribble

i get to a thread and 99/100 wibbs has said it and more. especially the underwear needed to help thing, thats the one thing i thought straight away that the ops gf must feel, reading this thread.