Cat Shopping

Black Swan

Cat looked at her watch. She would have to finish shopping in the mall quickly, because it would soon be dark.

The blouses flew on the sale table, as Cat sorted through them. "Not my size. Too large! These clothes were for women who enjoyed their desserts!" she mumbled to herself, tossing yet another to the side.

Glancing at her watch, her breath caught in her throat. "Yikes, almost dark!"

Cat ran for the exit, shopping bags streaming behind her.

The sun had set, and the parking garage was only partially visible, with many of the security lights flickering, dimly lit, or smashed. "Oh no!" Cat gasped.

Bursting through the door, she sprinted for her car, as if towards a hotly contested Olympic finish line. Pushing her key chain button while on the run, the car's lights flashed and the door lock popped open.

Throwing the shopping bags across into the companion seat, she leaped into the driver's bucket seat of the Corvette, slamming the door behind her, and armed the locks.

Not a time to fumble with the ignition key, Cat got it inserted on the second try, and kicked over the motor, popped the clutch and laid rubber out the parking garage into the street.

A woman's scream echoed from the garage she just left, causing Cat to floor it, red lining her tack before shifting, again and again.

Rocketing through moderate traffic, Cat weaved by this car and that, watching her rear view mirror for stalkers, driving at speeds that would qualify her for a "Wanted II" car chase scene sequel, leaving Angelina in the dust.

She down shifted, expertly sliding through this corner and that, keeping torque and traction at the maximum, without losing control, finally to zoom down her neighborhood street.

Skidding into her reserved parking space near the harbour docks, she leaped out with her shopping bags and ran for the security gate, not breaking stride as she pushed the key ring security car locks. Churp, churp, flash.

Cat punched in the code to open the gate, and dashed through before slowing down to a walk, looking over her shoulder as the gate swung closed and locked.

Minutes later she was safe and secure on board her boat, slugging down a second shot of Bushmills, flipping on the telly remote from a deck chair to view the news. Indeed, one woman had been attacked in the parking garage Cat had left, and another followed and kidnapped from her car after it had been forced off the road.

"Whew!" Cat exhaled. "I'm glad it's their problem and not mine!" She then flipped through the channels for a soap to watch.

brianthebard

Lolz i like the final line.Very good! *applauds*

Red Hand

Have you got this story in blue, size 3 font, Blue?:)

Matt Holck

"when did reality
become TV."

~BOWLING FOR SOUP - 1985 LYRICS

I liked the even pacing created by the line breaks
that help mestay with the movement of the character

Black Swan

Jer and Brian, thanks for the encouragement, and Matt, appreciate the comment.

etymon

What do "laid rubber out the parking garage into the street" and "causing Cat to floor it, red lining her tack before shifting, again and again" mean?

Okay, okay - I'm being facetious. I get the gist. But there have to be less trendy ways to put things unless you want to limit your audience in age terms. And I'm 24!

Also I'm not sure who Angelina is or where she came from although I suspect you are referring to Ms. Jolie.

It's good chick-lit stuff, fast paced and funny.

Insect Overlord

etymon wrote: »

What do "laid rubber out the parking garage into the street" and "causing Cat to floor it, red lining her tack before shifting, again and again" mean?

Okay, okay - I'm being facetious. I get the gist. But there have to be less trendy ways to put things unless you want to limit your audience in age terms. And I'm 24!

Check the poster's location... :rolleyes:

Matt Holck

I would like to meet blue

Deliverance

Blue_Lagoon wrote: »

Cat looked at her watch. She would have to finish shopping in the mall quickly, because it would soon be dark.

The blouses flew on the sale table, as Cat sorted through them. "Not my size. Too large! These clothes were for women who enjoyed their desserts!" she mumbled to herself, tossing yet another to the side.

Glancing at her watch, her breath caught in her throat. "Yikes, almost dark!"

Cat ran for the exit, shopping bags streaming behind her.

The sun had set, and the parking garage was only partially visible, with many of the security lights flickering, dimly lit, or smashed. "Oh no!" Cat gasped.

Bursting through the door, she sprinted for her car, as if towards a hotly contested Olympic finish line. Pushing her key chain button while on the run, the car's lights flashed and the door lock popped open.

Throwing the shopping bags across into the companion seat, she leaped into the driver's bucket seat of the Corvette, slamming the door behind her, and armed the locks.

Not a time to fumble with the ignition key, Cat got it inserted on the second try, and kicked over the motor, popped the clutch and laid rubber out the parking garage into the street.

A woman's scream echoed from the garage she just left, causing Cat to floor it, red lining her tack before shifting, again and again.

Rocketing through moderate traffic, Cat weaved by this car and that, watching her rear view mirror for stalkers, driving at speeds that would qualify her for a "Wanted II" car chase scene sequel, leaving Angelina in the dust.

She down shifted, expertly sliding through this corner and that, keeping torque and traction at the maximum, without losing control, finally to zoom down her neighborhood street.

Skidding into her reserved parking space near the harbour docks, she leaped out with her shopping bags and ran for the security gate, not breaking stride as she pushed the key ring security car locks. Churp, churp, flash.

Cat punched in the code to open the gate, and dashed through before slowing down to a walk, looking over her shoulder as the gate swung closed and locked.

Minutes later she was safe and secure on board her boat, slugging down a second shot of Bushmills, flipping on the telly remote from a deck chair to view the news. Indeed, one woman had been attacked in the parking garage Cat had left, and another followed and kidnapped from her car after it had been forced off the road.

"Whew!" Cat exhaled. "I'm glad it's their problem and not mine!" She then flipped through the channels for a soap to watch.

Haha that is quite brilliant, the story captures imagination as it goes and mixes reality with fear of modern life really well. Very well done I enjoyed reading it and 'felt' the character at the end. Cat is an interesting character. Bit like Bridget Jones meets the apocalypse, meets modern life. Very well written and the ending is brilliant in suttely expressing this.

As a story I would like to hear more from Cat and her 'adventures' in modern life.

shiv

nice pacing, and ending. a more unique offering.

~Rebel~

Good stuff Bluey, took me a few readings to really appreciate it, but it grew on me more and more each time. The only thing i'd change would be to remove one of the "this and that"s (car and corner), but thats only a personal thing.

All in all very good piece, i'd definately read more

Black Swan

I've written another piece about Cat, but should I consider writing something more substantial about her, and go for publication, I just wonder about the wisdom of putting it here first on the web? Comments?

Matt Holck

sci-fi writers would debut in porn magazines
to have their story collated and published later in a book

pickarooney

It's not bad. Not really my cup of tea, but the pacing, as said, is spot-on. There are quite a few grammatical errors, a bit of needless repetition (pronouns will suffice instead of the protagonists name in many cases) and that whole 'Angelina' simile needs to go.

There's a long way to go to a book, but an interesting character and an upbeat style are a start.

~Rebel~

Blue_Lagoon wrote: »

I've written another piece about Cat, but should I consider writing something more substantial about her, and go for publication, I just wonder about the wisdom of putting it here first on the web? Comments?

I don't know anything about this area, but i would guess the best way to go might be to contact every magazine and newspaper in OC about possibly serializing Cat's Adventures. Would be a good way to go about turning it into a future book as well as you'd already have created a market.

As far as putting it up online, i have heard alright that some publishers are a bit wary of things which have already entered the public domain. I've been reluctant to put up some things myself, just to be safe, though id imagine its probably not an issue, and a lot of the things i've written probably have no place outside forum's etc. I'm meeting an editor pretty soon about some stuff i've written and plan to ask about this anyway so ill let you know what the outcome is!

Black Swan

~Rebel~ wrote: »

I'm meeting an editor pretty soon about some stuff i've written and plan to ask about this anyway so ill let you know what the outcome is!

Grand! PM me the outcome?

Insect Overlord

Blue_Lagoon wrote: »

Grand! PM me the outcome?

Or, if possible, open a new thread with the relevent points a fellow writer would appreciate*


*So long as it doesn't affect your own chances of publishing

Black Swan

Any word from your editor ~Rebel~? I be a curious Cat.

Caoimhín

I like it Blue_L.

I think i'dlike this Cat girl...;)