Is honesty about No. of past partners neccessary?

LegacyUser

Ok, I've been going out with a girl for six months. We've both really fallen for each other. I'm crazy about her! and she feels the same way she tells me.

So anyway, after a few drinks the other night we started talking about 'the number'. I think its stupid to talk about the past with a new partner as its not some thing you wanna think about really.....I mean the past is the past- right?

I tried to avoid it but she persisted and eventually blurts out that she's been with 9 guys before, so then she says I've to tell her because she told me. I'm 27 now and in the past have slept around a lot. I told her that I'd been with around 10 or 11 although the real figure is closer to 100+ or so (approx.). There's no way I wanted to be telling her the real number. The thing is, I've been totally honest with this girl since day one and I hated lying to her in this way. She gets on really well with my friends and such, a lot of whom know the extent of my past and I'm worried that somehow she'll hear of someone that I've been with more than I told her and resent me for having lied to her.

So basically I'm thinking should I come clean with her or not. I'm worried she'll be disgusted with the truth. What should I do? ( just to point out, I've always been careful and have gotten std checked regularly etc so that aspect has nothing to do with it)

Thanks

Victor

Whatever about "the number", have you had an STI check recently?

Karen_*

The past is the past. And if telling her the truth will cause hassle and upset her then keep it to yourself. It was all before you met her and as long as you've got yourself checked out and are ok then leave the past in the past.

biko

Do not mention 100+
You will make her insecure and also come off as a player/user.
Just leave it at "ten-ish".

LegacyUser

Victor wrote: »

Whatever about "the number", have you had an STI check recently?

Em, can you read? I said in my post that i have. (And in the past i used protection and got checked regularly just to clarify.

aidan24326

If you're worried that she'll find out then tell her. You don't have to tell her 100+ but tell her that you understated the number a fair bit because you were worried what she might think. Tell her you played around a bit in the past but reassure her that that's all very much in the past and she's all you want now. If she's a decent girl (and presumably she is) she won't mind and will appreciate the honesty.

On the other hand if you think it would really be an issue for her then say no more and leave it be, and warn your mates to keep their mouths shut aswell.

Victor

sexnumber wrote: »

Em, can you read? I said in my post that i have. (And in the past i used protection and got checked regularly just to clarify.

Apologies.

MagicMarker

If you think she could find out via other means then tell her. If she finds out from someone else then she definitely won't be a happy camper and 'the number' will be the least of your worries.

Marksie

You know OP, this comes up regularly in PI.

I never for the life of me can understand why people ask questions like that when they might not like the answer.

At this stage, you are best to just let it go.

petethebrick

Yeah , I reckon just leave it be. Honesty is one thing, but everybody has little aspects of their past they might not want to divulge. You're 27 OP, everyone has a 'past' at that age. I agree with other posters, its a bad idea for people in a relationship to ask such questions of each other. Don't worry about it anyway, it'll be grand, although as another poster said, it could be a good idea to tell your mates to keep tales of your past exploits to themselves.

Fat Pie Lot

Marksie wrote: »

You know OP, this comes up regularly in PI.

I never for the life of me can understand why people ask questions like that when they might not like the answer.

At this stage, you are best to just let it go.

Me too... I've never understood why this is a conversation that needs to happen. The best ones I've had are the ones that stay away from figures and are general... one ex-gf and I never even had "the conversation", but I was able to figure out her level of "experience" just from putting together things from day to day chat.

Bottle_of_Smoke

No, don't tell her. Men detest high numbers but women aren't fans either. The fact that you have been tested for STDs puts it in the white lie category.

Dudess

Definitely don't tell her - she might think you're gonna get bored of her after a short while.

GrumPy

Karen_* wrote: »

The past is the past. And if telling her the truth will cause hassle and upset her then keep it to yourself. It was all before you met her and as long as you've got yourself checked out and are ok then leave the past in the past.

+1

herya

Karen_* wrote: »

The past is the past. And if telling her the truth will cause hassle and upset her then keep it to yourself. It was all before you met her and as long as you've got yourself checked out and are ok then leave the past in the past.

tbh I can't understand this recent advocating of hiding things from your partner. Is it a PC thing or what?

If it's going to upset her surely she's better off making the decision herself not being lied to as if she was a child. Or he, if the situation was reversed. I think it's an important thing to know about the person you want to be with. Not to discriminate - if they have changed their ways and now want a serious relationship - but to know the person's background and history, they have contributed to them being who they are with all their glory.

In other words, I might be with a former prostitute if s/he's left it past them and told me so. But I couldn't be with somebody who has hidden it from me, if I found out.

RoosterIllusion

Nobody wants to know that their partner has slept with over a hundred people. Nobody wants to know if they have slept with over 10 to be honest.

Dudess

herya wrote: »

tbh I can't understand this recent advocating of hiding things from your partner. Is it a PC thing or what?

No, it's simply that some things are better left unsaid. And to be frank, I've always been pretty easygoing about a partner having a promiscuous past... but I've never encountered any guy who's slept with over 100 women by only the age of 27. I would just be nervous about him growing sick of monogamy when he's so used to all that variety. Sorry if I'm being harsh OP, but that is how I'd feel.

I think it's an important thing to know about the person you want to be with.

Why?

Trinity

No. It causes nothing but trouble believe me, trust me on this. If she has no way of ever finding out then leave it.

Some people have major problems accepting that you had a life before you met them or to be more specific sex. Unfortunatley by the time you find this out by telling them and gauging their reaction its too late and you can never take back the fact that you did it (had sex) or told her about it, whats done is done.

herya

Dudess wrote: »

Why?

Because it contributes to their personal history. If I'm going to spend years with a guy I know what music he listened to as a teenager, is he a dog or a cat person, how does he deal with stress, has he travelled in his life, what kind of family does he have. His family may be terrible and his music taste may have changed three times since then but if you're serious about somebody you want to understand what made them the person they are now. I can't see how it can be done with blocking out their sex/relationship related past? It's like hiding a huge part of you from the person you want to be close with.

Liam Byrne

This has been said before, but I'm gonna quote Mary Chapin Carpenter (AGAIN).....

"If I was not the first, just say I'll be the last; it's too much to expect, but it's not too much to ask"

Yes, life experiences make you who you are; but they're not the be-all and end-all.

Why imply that you've been a slapper or whatever ? Would you say "I've been in a mental home for odd behaviour 26 times" ? Would you say "I've been bankrupt 42 times" ?

You might let someone know that you have, and that you've come out the other side a better person, but you definitely wouldn't put a doubt in their head by saying that it was a regular occurrence.

LolaLuv

I understand the personal history part of it, but OPs lady friend seems pretty insecure or she wouldn't have bullied him into spilling. I don't think she could deal with this part of his personal history.

OP, it is sort of a sign of disrespect that she harassed you into telling her. But I wouldn't tell her the truth now. She couldn't gain anything from it, it will probably make her feel paranoid, and as long as she likes who you are now then why should she care how you got there?

hussey

a white lie does her no harm.

I mean if you had 12 one night stands in a year you still probably aren't getting as much if you were in a one month relationship

Your past is your past for a reason

Karen_*

herya wrote: »

tbh I can't understand this recent advocating of hiding things from your partner. Is it a PC thing or what?

If it's going to upset her surely she's better off making the decision herself not being lied to as if she was a child. Or he, if the situation was reversed. I think it's an important thing to know about the person you want to be with. Not to discriminate - if they have changed their ways and now want a serious relationship - but to know the person's background and history, they have contributed to them being who they are with all their glory.

In other words, I might be with a former prostitute if s/he's left it past them and told me so. But I couldn't be with somebody who has hidden it from me, if I found out.

I'd be more inclined to go with keeping a lid on the past. Certainly at this stage of the relationship. And its really because if I were with a bloke and he announced he's been with 100 people well I'd be out of there. Whether right or wrong I would get the impression he was a player with not lot of respect for himself and for women. I'm not saying that IS the case but I'm saying its how I'd feel if I was considering going out with him. Because I'd be coming from an angle of protecting myself and not walking open eyed into a situation where I'd feel that he was wonderful and charming and I was mad about him, but so were the other 100 women. In other words I'm not particularly special as he's used all this charm and had an enormous success rate with it.

Again, I'm purely saying it from how I'd imagine his girlfriend would see it. Keep the past in the past. The Op is mad about this girl. I wouldn't advise risking it by telling her. She'll obviously be freaked out since she asked the question in the first place.

Trinity

herya wrote: »

Because it contributes to their personal history. If I'm going to spend years with a guy I know what music he listened to as a teenager, is he a dog or a cat person, how does he deal with stress, has he travelled in his life, what kind of family does he have. His family may be terrible and his music taste may have changed three times since then but if you're serious about somebody you want to understand what made them the person they are now. I can't see how it can be done with blocking out their sex/relationship related past? It's like hiding a huge part of you from the person you want to be close with.

Thats all well and good if you are dealing with a very mature, secure, non judemental person.

While the past and music and family and travelling may be part of what shaped a person, I dont think sex does as mcuh. Relationships perhaps, how they treat women, how they themselves were treated by women. Lets say for example a guy had 100 one night stands, how do you reckon that shapes him as a person?

Would you in fact think less of him despite the fact he is a good guy now? Whats in the past should stay in the past and i would be more concerned about how he is as a person now. Unless of course it was something serious that would affect me NOW. And I would get a good idea of what hes like as a guy by how he treated me, was he disrespecting me, was he treating me well etc. My judgement might be blurred if i thought he was a whore master that got up on anything that moved and it may lead to lack of trust if i think he cant keep it in his trousers.

A lot of people regret their past and carry guilt about it and would rather put it behind them but sometimes human nature we tend to throw these things back at each other like ammunition. Some dont and fair play to them.

For example if i said i slept with 127 guys (thats just an example now ) whats the instant reaction? Have seen it on threads here before, the immediate impression is slut. It wont matter that i give to charity, am kind to animals, am soft and kind and generous and all the other good points about me, that other bit of information about my past is what would stick in peoples minds and thats were the problems start.

Marksie

Trinity1 wrote: »

information about my past is what would stick in peoples minds and thats were the problems start.

You know I was talking to this with some of my tantra friends.
Whether its unusual for us, but one process involved in worjshops is sitting down and talking exactly about this..how many you have slept with, what you have done.
When done openly and with acceptance, your mind set alters. You become more open to the ideas that people have had pasts..both good and bad experiences which have shaped them.

In other words, you juts acknowledge whats happened and accept it.
That said, it may be a failry unique view, it seems so reading this thread.

So the statement, if you cannot handle the answer, dont ask the question, still remains.

Trinity

Marksie wrote: »

You know I was talking to this with some of my tantra friends.
Whether its unusual for us, but one process involved in worjshops is sitting down and talking exactly about this..how many you have slept with, what you have done.
When done openly and with acceptance, your mind set alters. You become more open to the ideas that people have had pasts..both good and bad experiences which have shaped them.

In other words, you juts acknowledge whats happened and accept it.
That said, it may be a failry unique view, it seems so reading this thread.



So the statement, if you cannot handle the answer, dont ask the question, still remains.

I dont think its unique as such and i think its a great quality to be able to accept and move on without passing judgement etc.

I just think a lot of people these days seem to be a lot more weary, less trusting of each other. Maybe due to past hurts or whatever or just this day and age its harder to trust, a lot of things come easy these days and that includes sex. But if you can learn to trust and accept then that brings great peace of mind and leads to better relationships. Its getting to that level is the hard part

evs

There's only one person who knows my number and that's me. Not because I'm ashamed of it, because I believe it's my business and no one else's. I do believe that in a relationship you have a responsibility to ensure that the other person is safe (hence the reason why I would never have unprotected sex in a relationship without both sides having been tested first). To the OP, unless she's questioning you, I would let the discussion be.

Trinity

evs wrote: »

There's only one person who knows my number and that's me. QUOTE]

Same here.

Marksie

Trinity1 wrote: »

I just think a lot of people these days seem to be a lot more weary, less trusting of each other. Maybe due to past hurts or whatever or just this day and age its harder to trust, a lot of things come easy these days and that includes sex. But if you can learn to trust and accept then that brings great peace of mind and leads to better relationships. Its getting to that level is the hard part

.

It usually starts with accepting yourself trinity1, thats a complex thing to do. It also about looking about those past hurts and seeing in fact what lay behind them, where the lack of trust stems from and also accepting that both hurt and joy are two sides of teh same coin that is human experience.

Whereas we are talking about tantric processes of openly discussing sex. One wonders, well i do anyways , whether the questions are asked in teh first place, from the acceptance and growing together aspect. Or more simply from and insecurity point of view.
So issues like this are never as simple as they seem: it all stems down to why the person was asking the questions in the first place.

Trinity

Marksie wrote: »

.

It usually starts with accepting yourself trinity1, thats a complex thing to do. It also about looking about those past hurts and seeing in fact what lay behind them, where the lack of trust stems from and also accepting that both hurt and joy are two sides of teh same coin that is human experience.

Whereas we are talking about tantric processes of openly discussing sex. One wonders, well i do anyways , whether the questions are asked in teh first place, from the acceptance and growing together aspect. Or more simply from and insecurity point of view.
So issues like this are never as simple as they seem: it all stems down to why the person was asking the questions in the first place.

COuldnt agree more. Thats why when i am asked my number I simply say 'had I known I was going to meet you I would have saved myself for you and stayed a virgin'. Its not about how many I slept with in the past its about how many I am sleeping with now and i can honestly say that number is ONE.

Trinity

Trinity1 wrote: »

evs wrote: »

There's only one person who knows my number and that's me. QUOTE]

Same here.

Actually I lie I think one other person has a rough idea

herya

Trinity1 wrote: »

Thats all well and good if you are dealing with a very mature, secure, non judemental person.

Yup but then my standards are high, still I'm not single so it's possible to meet them ;>

I still think that lying to your partner is a bad option. OP might be better off with telling her that he had an intensive period in his life but then it's past him and he changed his ways. No need to give her the number even if she insists but no need to misrepresent his experience either. If she can't accept this what kind of person it makes her? He's not dealing with a child, I guess.

I think what it boils down to is that if I was afraid to tell my partner about my past with good and bad stuff, it actually indicates my own insecurity, not theirs.

MIN2511

I hate it when people start asking numbers...

Do we really want to know the number???

No need to come clean, the conversation wasn't neccessary and you don't have to supply her with an amount.

It's the same with lads, they want to know how many guys the new girl has slept with.

We are humans, sex is natural and as long as you are STD free no need for NUMBERS


OP, don't think about it... You don't need to quantify or justify your past

Trinity

Its not about lying so much as keeping some things private about your past.

Each to their own. I dont know my OHs number cos basically I dont want to know. Thats due to my own insecurities and i am aware of them so as Marksie says if you cant handle the answer dont ask the question.

Lets face it I think the higher the number the more likely you are to keep it to yourself and not want to disclose that side of your past and no one should make you or torment you into telling them.

If i had a bad childhood i can assure you i would have to be with someone a long time before i confided in someone about that part of my past, why cant people respect that your intimate sex life before you met your partner is also private and you should only discuss it if you are totally comfortable with it.

I imagine if the number was 2 he wouldnt be scared to tell her.

Likewise if mine was a single number i'd have it tattooed on my forehead.

meglome

herya wrote: »

Yup but then my standards are high, still I'm not single so it's possible to meet them ;>

I still think that lying to your partner is a bad option. OP might be better off with telling her that he had an intensive period in his life but then it's past him and he changed his ways. No need to give her the number even if she insists but no need to misrepresent his experience either. If she can't accept this what kind of person it makes her? He's not dealing with a child, I guess.

Sometimes people ask for information but they really don't want to know, they just think they do. You have to make a judgement call. I would seriously doubt the OP's girlfriend would want to hear a 100+. I never tell numbers and to be honest I'm not sure I've actually even properly counted myself, for me the past is the past. In the real world unless you're going to be an insensitive bastard then there are limits to honesty and I consider myself to be a very honest person.

herya

But then he could have told her "sorry I'd rather not tell because it's in the past etc etc". Fair enough, then she can accept it or not. And this what I call being discreet/private. But giving her wrong number in order to come across as a more "suitable" person is what I call lying, and what points to his own insecurity not the girl's.

all the stars

sexnumber wrote: »

What should I do?

Depends what type of person she is, me personally - i would be disgusted and be gone.. but everyones differant...

Maybe it wont bother her at all...

Trinity

herya wrote: »

But then he could have told her "sorry I'd rather not tell because it's in the past etc etc". Fair enough, then she can accept it or not. And this what I call being discreet/private. But giving her wrong number in order to come across as a more "suitable" person is what I call lying, and what points to his own insecurity not the girl's.

Agreed. I wouldnt lie personally, i would just say its private or I wasnt counting.

I like her tactics, i told you now you have to tell me. Indeed you did not have to tell her. If she wants to blurt it out thats her business.

Her number could be 99 for all you know and she would have thrown out any number to make you answer her question. Bit immature.