My boyfriend is disclosing our personal information

00_katie_00

Recently I was looking thru my boyfriends text messages (not snooping cause he knew i was looking but wasnt in the room at the time) & I came across lots of sent text msgs from him to his female friend, one in particular stood out "i think ill have regrets if i go & regret it if i dont go, not good" by this statement i take it that hes complaining to her about the fact that my boyfriend is coming to live in my home country with me at the end of this year.

I have never met this girl but from what i know about her is that shes 20yrs old, (im 22 & boyfriend is 26) and shes the last girl he slept with a couple of times before we met & started dating, apparently after they slept together they decided to only be friends. She used to live permanently in cork with an aunt but now she has college in dublin) so my boyfriend meets up with her every fortnight but he told me he doesnt talk about out r/ship to her...

It makes me think its no wonder i havent met her!! I remember a month ago my boyfriend & I were in town & she texted him asking him to come to her boyfriends b'day party it was around the corner from our restaurant & he said no cause he thought i would be too weird about it if we went... which is not correct, would he not want me to meet her cause of all the personal things hes told her about us/me?

Is it wrong of me to be feeling anxious that hes talking to a girl, ive never met, about our relationship? It just makes me sick to my stomach to think of the two of them talking about me & my flaws, what can i do?!

Anti

First off. you shouldn't have been going through his phone. Thats just plain ignorant. Secondly, you said it yoruself, they are only friends. And moving from his home country to yours is a big move. Its natural he will have second thoughts and needs to talk to someone about them.

00_katie_00

Manties I wasnt going thru his phone, he was aware of it & i cant help if his messages have a preview function when i was looking for something,
helpful advice appreciated

Chinafoot

I agree with Manties. Going through his phone, regardless of whether he knows or not, is just plain rude. You should probably ask yourself why you felt the need to look at his messages. The preview wouldn't have been long enough for you to have seen that whole message, and if you were looking for something specific you should have asked him to find it for you.

This girl is his friend, people talk to their friends about important things in their lives and moving to another country is something that most people would probably class as very important. It's not "personal information", it's something huge thats happening in his life.

Where did they talk about your "flaws"? Where is all this personal information he's given out? Are you basing this all on that one text message about the move abroad? You're overreacting here. He spoke to a friend, their history is unimportant. The guy is moving country to be with you, why are you being so paranoid?

Going through his phone, assuming he's giving out personal info and assuming he's talking to this girl about your flaws all smacks of major insecurity on your part. The fact that he thought you'd be weird about meeting this other girl suggests that he is aware of your insecurity issues. This could also be why he hasn't voiced his concerns about the move to you, and instead chose to speak to his friend.

Talk to him about it. It's a huge deal for him and he probably has lots of fears, such as what if things don't work out between you. Your paranoia won't help matters.

Gone Drinking

You're being nosey and overreacting..

Your personal information as a couple is his and yours, you can't give him grief for talking to a friend about his decision to leave home.

Macha

OP, its sounds like you are feeling a bit uneasy about your boyfriend's friendship with this girl and so have gone looking for more information to give yourself peace of mind. Your perception that he is reluctant for you to meet her, along with the discovery of these messages must have made you feel very unsure of things.

He is moving to another country for you and that shows a really big sign of commitment. It is natural for him to want to discuss such a big decision with other people as it isn't just about his relationship with you but also about his life as a whole. This is going to affect his career, friendships, family, etc. In this message, he may be talking about career-related regrets about leaving - just an idea.

I'm not going to join other posters in chastising you for looking at his mobile. But electronic messages are SO easy to misinterpret, depending on your state of mind. The best thing really is to talk to him.

Karen_*

I'll snip out the big long lecture about going through your boyfriends phone Kate tut!!!

I don't think you've anything to worry about. You both obviously mess around with each others phones and he knows you could read his and he hadn't deleted his texts. Therefore he's nothing to hide and so yes, I do think you're getting anxious about nothing. And he's making big changes in his life for you. Be happy:)

anucksunamun

First off let me just say, isnt it great when people who are ignorant on the meaning of words use them completely wrong? for instance if one were ignorant of the meaning of the word ignorant..i believe this person is asking for advise after the fact.. chastising her for something she has already done will not help her in the least!

Katie, I understand you feel insecure about this, no woman would be happy to know her boyfriend was discussing her with a woman he has slept with.. in fact I'm pretty sure most would ask him to stop seeing her completely. If I were you I would want to meet this girl, see them together... see how they act in front of you...

But to be honest with you Katie, you really shouldnt have to ask him not to meet up with this girl.. he should realise this would upset you.. its odd. Are you sure Katie that you want this man to move to be with you? do you truly trust him? do you think maybe hun... you looked at the message because your suspicious?

take care hun.

SarahJ

Jesus, everyone get over the fact that she looked in his phone, thats not helpful at all!

I would feel uneasy about my boyfriend talkin to his ex about me, particularly on the subject being discussed, you both moving and him being unsure of it.


Have you talked to him about not wanting to move? That would be playing on my mind.

00_katie_00

SarahJ wrote: »

Jesus, everyone get over the fact that she looked in his phone, thats not helpful at all!

I would feel uneasy about my boyfriend talkin to his ex about me, particularly on the subject being discussed, you both moving and him being unsure of it.


Have you talked to him about not wanting to move? That would be playing on my mind.

Thanks to all helpful advice so far
After i saw the preview of the message, i got a bit upset cause he hadnt told me straight out "im regretting this decison if i do it or i dont do it" & he had told this girl instead, so i was crying & he found me & i told him i dont think he wants to move countries etc etc & he said he does because he wants to be with me. & i said i dont want to be responsible for him wrecking or regretting this decision & he said if he didnt want to do he wouldnt...

Annie Bananie

OP, Im kind of in the same situation, me and my bf live in different countries. We agree very much on the fact that I prefer if he moves to my country and he prefers that I move to his. Despite that we are both willing to give things a go in the other ones country. If not, then what's the point of being together?

Now we havent decided what to do yet, but sooner or later we have to. And ofc I will be a bit hesitant if Im the one that has to move, "will I like living there?", and so on... And Im very sure he will have his doubts as well if he will be the one to move. Sounds normal to me. But its either to move and give things a go or break up, so yes it will always be worth a try

But nothing is final. If he really hates it, but still wants to be with you, then maybe you are willing to move (back?) to his country?

Talk to him and ask him about his fears or worries to move. It might be a relief for him to express them and feel better about it. Ofc he wants to move, believe him when he says so. He must love you a lot, ot he wouldnt But also be understanding that he might be a bit hesitant.

Hrududu

Katie, I understand you feel insecure about this, no woman would be happy to know her boyfriend was discussing her with a woman he has slept with.. in fact I'm pretty sure most would ask him to stop seeing her completely. If I were you I would want to meet this girl, see them together... see how they act in front of you...

All we know is he told this girl, who is his friend, that he was worried about the move. The rest is just paranoia, she should meet this girl to see how they behave together? So I take it if it all meets the requirements she will issue him a pass to see her again? You do not control your partner, you shouldnt tell them who they can or cannot be friends with. Certainly not on a whim after overreacting to an innocent text (which she should never have read in the first place)

cute_cow

first off, I don't think it is "personal information". It is 1 person talking to another about his relationship ans stuff going on in his life. Do you never chat to your freinds about the relationship anbd your life in general?

And to be honest, if you don't trust someone how can you have a realtionship with them? If you wanna find out, maybe talk to him, surely if you love each other you can talk about your relationship and where it is headed and make sure before you go.

r3nu4l

Well my wife was offered a job in England over 4 years ago now and took the job. Back then we weren't married, we were just going out with one another.

Now I knew once she accepted the offer that I would go with her but I had my doubts about living in England and all that would entail (leaving friends and family behind, not being able to meet up with them whenever I wanted, moving to a country where we knew nobody etc).

However, I did discuss my fears with my gf, and my friends. I was using them as a sounding board, trying to work out my own reticence and fears. I wasn't particularly happy about it because I had never planned nor had any desire to live in another country, travel yes, live somewhere else, no. So I can pretty much assure you that I probably used a very similar sentence to your bf in my conversations "i think ill have regrets if i go & regret it if i dont go, not good".

Now, what if your bf had never slept with this girl before, what if they were just friends? Would you mind it so much then? Would this be a problem? Is he not entitled to discuss his fears with his friends? Does he have to run everything past you first? I hardly think that he's discussing personal information based on what you've told us above. Now if he'd been saying "My gf only has 2k saved in her account" or "Yeah, we had great sex on Wednesday, we were in this car park and..." then you'd have a right to be pissed off but otherwise, not really imo.

biko

"My boyfriend is disclosing our personal information"?
Sounds like you try to shock value a very common thing, namely discussing personal things.

Do you yourself not have a friend you open up to about your boyfriend?
If he wants to talk things over about moving to your country he might turn elsewhere, to get impartial advice. I think you are overreacting.

K-9

Would you be as worried if it was a male friend he sent that text too?

MagicMarker

Over reaction of the century tbh...

He told her (and good friend of his) that he would have regrets by going or not going to live with you. Big woop, i mean seriously, she's his friend. Get over it.

As for the party, believe it or not, some people don't want current and ex gfs hanging out together, i personally would find that weird.

Maybe you should be looking at the text more closely? It's quite clear that he's not sure if he wants to move to your country, maybe you'd like to clear THAT up with him?

Trinity

Hi Katie

Have a look at this thread if you get a chance.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055359431

I understand where you are coming from. Its not the fact that he is speaking to this girl, but the fact that he is expressing reservations about your relationship (in terms of moving) to someone he slept with just before he met you.

Do you worry there may be still some feelings there? If he decided not to go with you do you worry they will end up back together or something?

A lot of people remain friends with exes, a lot of people dont. You dont appear to have a problem with him remaining friends, however in the back of your mind you wonder why of all people he is discussing his relationship with her.

I would speak to him about it, and explain your fears and ask him about his fears regarding the move, if he is moving to another country you can rest assured he loves you and its normal to be scared/hesitant/worried so tell him he can talk to you about it, because you understand what a big decision it is and if he is having reservations the first person he should be discussing it with is you as it involves you and your relationship.

Obviously he needs to discuss it with someone other than you, someone of a neutral stance, but once he is keeping you in the loop about whats going on then i wouldnt worry. Hes making a big sacrifice so that should tell you something

pookie82

I've been in a similar situation. Finding your boyfriend disclosing personal information about your relationship to a female friend (in your case an ex) is not a pleasant experience.

In my situation, my problem was that I didn't know the girl he was discussing us with, but he knew her quite well. Now to him this seemed to make it less of an issue, but we were having problems at the time and he was basically tearing me to shreds and saying pretty horrible stuff. I understood that we'd been having a difficult patch and that he may need to chat to his mates about it, but this wouldn't have been a big deal to me, as I know them and know that they like me and would take all of that into consideration if he did vent about me. But instead he vented to a friend of one of his ex's who didn't know anything about me other than the stuff he was telling her, which wasn't very nice.

Anyway, my point is that I kind of understand what it's like and to me it felt like a huge betrayal. I think it has a lot to do with this: If my boyf chatted to another guy about problems we were having etc I wouldn't mind that much as in all likelihood the guy would take it at face value. But girls can be quite underhand and can twist information that they get or read way more into it than intended. And it's not nice to consider that you're boyf is confiding in an ex about stuff he doesn't want to tell you.

Have you discussed his hesitancy properly? had he made his feelings known to you before he did to her? We all discuss problems with our mates but imo, taking it to an ex is a bit OTT and most people would not think kindly of their OH voicing doubts (however reasonable) to the person who came before them about them.

My name is URL

OP-

I think your cynical,

that is all

Talliesin

Let's imagine that no such communiques, whether text, phone, IM face-to-face or whatever took place.

That would mean that he was moving to another country without discussing any concerns with anyone other than you.

If that were the case I'd wonder whether he didn't have any friends to talk to about it (and hence what social problems led to that) or didn't have any concerns about a potentially life-changing move (in which case, is he not taking it seriously).

Considering the alternative, I think you should be glad your bf is talking to friends about what's going on in his life.

aidan24326

00_katie_00 wrote: »

Recently I was looking thru my boyfriends text messages (not snooping cause he knew i was looking but wasnt in the room at the time)

But you were snooping really though weren't you? Why else would you be reading his text messages, to check tomorrow's weather? Looking for the football scores perhaps?

My boyfriend is disclosing our personal information

Your thread title alone shows that you are overreacting. On reading the title I thought this thread was going to be about a boyfriend giving away really sensitive info, like discussing your sex life in intimate detail with the lads down the pub or something.

He hasn't given away any of 'our' personal information, he hasn't said anything much about you at all from what you've posted other than that he's a little apprehensive about the move, which is understandable. She's obviously a friend and he's talking it through with her, the fact they had sex in the past is obviously worrying you but I doubt you've anything to worry about. Their relationship clearly didn't amount to much since he's with you now and is on the verge of moving to a different country to be with you.

castie

00_katie_00 wrote: »

It makes me think its no wonder i havent met her!! I remember a month ago my boyfriend & I were in town & she texted him asking him to come to her boyfriends b'day party it was around the corner from our restaurant & he said no cause he thought i would be too weird about it if we went... which is not correct, would he not want me to meet her cause of all the personal things hes told her about us/me?

Since your jumping to conclusions already, i think you proved yourself, that you would have been weird about it if you went.

who007

pookie82 wrote: »

I've been in a similar situation. Finding your boyfriend disclosing personal information about your relationship to a female friend (in your case an ex) is not a pleasant experience.

In my situation, my problem was that I didn't know the girl he was discussing us with, but he knew her quite well. Now to him this seemed to make it less of an issue, but we were having problems at the time and he was basically tearing me to shreds and saying pretty horrible stuff. I understood that we'd been having a difficult patch and that he may need to chat to his mates about it, but this wouldn't have been a big deal to me, as I know them and know that they like me and would take all of that into consideration if he did vent about me. But instead he vented to a friend of one of his ex's who didn't know anything about me other than the stuff he was telling her, which wasn't very nice.

Anyway, my point is that I kind of understand what it's like and to me it felt like a huge betrayal. I think it has a lot to do with this: If my boyf chatted to another guy about problems we were having etc I wouldn't mind that much as in all likelihood the guy would take it at face value. But girls can be quite underhand and can twist information that they get or read way more into it than intended. And it's not nice to consider that you're boyf is confiding in an ex about stuff he doesn't want to tell you.

Have you discussed his hesitancy properly? had he made his feelings known to you before he did to her? We all discuss problems with our mates but imo, taking it to an ex is a bit OTT and most people would not think kindly of their OH voicing doubts (however reasonable) to the person who came before them about them.

hardly a similar situation?
One guy expressing concerns over a total change of life and sacrifices to be with someone he loves and one guy spreading nasty rumours about the one he allegedly loved... can anyone point out to me where the similarity lies?
(apart from them being men and hence all the same!..:rolleyes:)

pookie82

who007 wrote: »

hardly a similar situation?
One guy expressing concerns over a total change of life and sacrifices to be with someone he loves and one guy spreading nasty rumours about the one he allegedly loved... can anyone point out to me where the similarity lies?
(apart from them being men and hence all the same!..:rolleyes:)

I never implied that it was the same situation. I was just making a point that I've been in a situation where I'd found my OH chatting to someone else about our personal issues. I didn't imply it was the same thing entirely. And no, I wasn't on a men-are-all-the-same rant if that's what you're getting at - last time I checked it wasn't a crime to share vaguely similar problems on the internet. The similarity in my problem and hers is that, as far as I can see, it's not necessarily the sharing of concerns that's the problem - it's who they're shared WITH.

To the guy who made the point above about what if he didn't talk to anyone about it..... I don't think that's the point. The point is he shouldn't talk to an EX about it. Talk to his lad mates all he wants. But when issues like that are shared with another woman, one he used to sleep with, a lot of women would find that much more offensive than him having a chat to close male friends about it. I don't think her problem is that he talked about it - I think it's that he talked about it to HER. The OP posted here before about this same girl being an issue in their relationship, if I'm not mistaken. The BF was texting the ex in the cinema telling her she reminded him of some hot actress he was watching or something.... Was that the same girl OP???? This ex has been an issue in the relationship before.

maggie797

I really wouldnt worry about the text message snooping bit!! I think a lot more girls and boys do it far more then they ever would admit;)..I do agree with a poster on here that texts can be seriously misinterpreted. you appear to be feeling particularly sensitive about him commuicating with this particular girl and if you add this to the future move of your bf to your country, then it would easily cause a situation like this to escalate a bit.

I have been in a situation where I was the female friend and my mate (male) was confiding in me in a situation he had. The girl involved found out he was confiding in me and was really upset(I am closer as a friend to him then her, I think she was mainly worried that I would judge her harshly...I simply didnt. I was a mate to my friend by allowing him to vent, however I did not judge her regardless of any negative comments he may have said about her.Saying that I am a true believer that there is always another side to every story!!

Dont assume by him confiding in her that she is trying to sway him either way. He had an opportuinity a long way back to start a relationship and he chose not to.

Wishing you all the best

Fat Pie Lot

To the OP: what exactly were you looking for going through his phone (and, I assume, specifically through his sent text messages)?

Secondly, if your bf was willing to let you go through his phone, doesn't that imply that he isn't hiding anything?

Thirdly, I disagree with your thread title. I don't believe he was disclosing personal information of yours. He's sharing a concern of his with a friend of his. Their history is unimportant.

Finally, isn't it better that he is talking about this rather than just bottling it up and coming to an ill-informed decision? Or is it the fact that this person that he's talking to has had sex with your bf in the past? From what you're saying, it appears that this girl was at worst a couple of dates and at best a **** buddy who's now turned into a friend. That shouldn't rule her out from being a close friend of your bf.

Chinafoot

pookie82 wrote: »

The point is he shouldn't talk to an EX about it. Talk to his lad mates all he wants. But when issues like that are shared with another woman, one he used to sleep with, a lot of women would find that much more offensive than him having a chat to close male friends about it.

Sorry but thats ridiculous. She's not just an ex she's his friend. He's able to distinguish between the two so why can't the OP? Is she so insecure that he can't be friends with women he used to be with? Plenty of people have close, healthy friendships with their exes and only jealous and insecure people would have a problem with that. It shows maturity on the part of the OP's boyfriend.

Regardless of their past relationship the fact of the matter is they are friends. He can talk to his friends about anything he wants. He's not betraying his girfriend in anyway by doing so. He's not being mean about her or disclosing really private, intimate details. Instead he's expressed his concerns about a huge change in his life.

If the OP is going to start telling him who he can and can't be friends with I'd imagine she'll be making that move on her own.

MicraBoy

I'd agree this is a total over reaction.

He was sharing personal information (you moving home is hardly a secret?). To expect him to be 100% certain about the move is totally unreasonable. It would be perfectly natural to express the kind of doubt he did, although I appreciate you would be worried that he may have regrets. It's also perfectly natural for him to share his concerns with friends, and again I appreciate he should also share them with you.

This has little to do with the actual text message and the "personal" info. This is about jealousy of a girl he was once intimate with. Again that is normal, but unless you don't trust him then there is no need to worry.

Do you trust him?

Dord

It doesn't sound like he was disclosing personal information, just looking for a second opinion from a friend. I'd probably do the same if I was in his position, speak to my friends about it.

K-9

pookie82 wrote: »

To the guy who made the point above about what if he didn't talk to anyone about it..... I don't think that's the point. The point is he shouldn't talk to an EX about it. Talk to his lad mates all he wants. But when issues like that are shared with another woman, one he used to sleep with, a lot of women would find that much more offensive than him having a chat to close male friends about it. I don't think her problem is that he talked about it - I think it's that he talked about it to HER. The OP posted here before about this same girl being an issue in their relationship, if I'm not mistaken. The BF was texting the ex in the cinema telling her she reminded him of some hot actress he was watching or something.... Was that the same girl OP???? This ex has been an issue in the relationship before.

That's all grand and well except, he's moving away with her, not the ex! Not really a sign she has anything to worry about from the Ex! :eek:

Dave!

Bloody hell, another paranoid and jealous person.......

Sort yourself out! You're reading so much into things because of your own insecurities.