Go back to the ex?

nudlnose

Hey everyone!
I need some serious help with this one!! Im in a right tizzy!!

I finished with my bf of 3years, last August. Since then we have stayed close friends(Mostly for his benifit..he didnt take it well) and a year on nearly every night id get a goodnight message and little things like that!

Since we finished Iv been with other people, one relationship lasting nearly 6months. But even that did nothing to help my ex move on!

So over the weekend, we ended up meeting up for a drink (which we do every couple of weeks...usually through his invite) but things got a bit heavy on the drinking side of things...one thing lead to another and we ended up sleeping together. (They really should have a warning on Bulmers)

He hasnt presummed we are back together, but has made it clear thats what he wants. We were always a great couple. So know Im wondering if I made a mistake by finishing with him!

Anyone got any advise ...cos i havent got a clue what to do!!

Mick T

so why exactly did you finish with him in the first place?

nudlnose

I just thought i was too young to be settling down. I met him when i was barely 17 and I didnt wanna regret not living my own life!!

not yet

Like all things in life just take it as it comes.

Live your life and do whatever feels right. If he is putting pressure on you leave it.

jellie

nudlnose wrote: »

I just thought i was too young to be settling down. I met him when i was barely 17 and I didnt wanna regret not living my own life!!

do you think you will feel the same way again if you get back with him?

Mick T

you made the choice to live your life stick with it, bet ya 2 or 3 months down the line if you got back with him your head will be back in the same place you started in,get your self out there, try something new, go travelling, then there will be no regrets!

nudlnose

sar84 wrote: »

do you think you will feel the same way again if you get back with him?

Thats what Im afraid of...what if we get back togeter and i change my mind or i realise things are exactly how they used to be! It would completely destroy him! and I couldnt do that to him a second time!

LegacyUser

nudlnose wrote: »

Since then we have stayed close friends(Mostly for his benifit..he didnt take it well)

I really hate when girls do this. It is so selfish and is purely to ease your own guilt. In reality, you have kept the guy hanging for the last year.

If you had cut contact with him when you broke up, you wouldn't have been regularly meeting up, the guy would have been able to get over you, and you wouldn't find yourself in this dilemma now.
How can you possibly make the right decision now when you have not had proper space from each other?

My advice: cut contact for a few months at least. Then you will be in a better position to make a decision about getting back into a long term relationship.

nudlnose wrote: »

Thats what Im afraid of...what if we get back togeter and i change my mind or i realise things are exactly how they used to be! It would completely destroy him! and I couldnt do that to him a second time!

This is exacty what I mean. You have not had the space to think about you both really want. You are still confused.
You broke up because you wanted to live your life as a single person for a while. Thats fine. But you have not actually done that. A year later, you are still caught up in the baggage of the realtionship. You will go back to him and realise that you haven't done the things you wanted to do.

It is possible that things will work out, but I'm not getting that vibe from you. You're not exactly saying that breaking up with him was the biggest mistake of your life.

Move on for now, and give him a fair chance at life too. Cut him loose. And I say that as a guy who was in his exact position a year ago.

4Xcut

If you decide not to get back , cut contact with him. You say that you stayed friends for his benefit. Do you not think he would have gotten over you quicker if you weren't around.

Even if he still wants to remain friends, you must make this decision for him. He is not in a rational place regarding making decisions to do with this.

RedXIV

4Xcut wrote: »

If you decide not to get back , cut contact with him. You say that you stayed friends for his benefit. Do you not think he would have gotten over you quicker if you weren't around.

Even if he still wants to remain friends, you must make this decision for him. He is not in a rational place regarding making decisions to do with this.

+1 this information is golden OP, if you don't want a relationship with this guy, do him a favour and stay out of his life for a while. Don't pretend you stayed friends for his benefit, thats complete nonsense. That will only make things worse for him, trust me.

You need to decide what your doing now because at the moment, your unfairly dangling a relationship in front of this guy. If you don't want one, thats fine, but don't keep him hanging.

Rosita

nudlnose wrote: »

Hey everyone!
I need some serious help with this one!! Im in a right tizzy!!

I finished with my bf of 3years, last August. Since then we have stayed close friends(Mostly for his benifit..he didnt take it well) and a year on nearly every night id get a goodnight message and little things like that!

Since we finished Iv been with other people, one relationship lasting nearly 6months. But even that did nothing to help my ex move on!

So over the weekend, we ended up meeting up for a drink (which we do every couple of weeks...usually through his invite) but things got a bit heavy on the drinking side of things...one thing lead to another and we ended up sleeping together. (They really should have a warning on Bulmers)

He hasnt presummed we are back together, but has made it clear thats what he wants. We were always a great couple. So know Im wondering if I made a mistake by finishing with him!

Anyone got any advise ...cos i havent got a clue what to do!!

Staying friends, as in meeting regularly, never works.

If you were a "always a great couple" why the split in the first place?

Wagon

nudlnose wrote: »

Since then we have stayed close friends(Mostly for his benifit..he didnt take it well)

Cut contact. It'll feel horrible, but you made this decision when you broke up with him. Don't do a half arsed job and keep him on a string.

Karen_*

Move on and cut ties. Its unkind to keep someone at your beck and call afte you've finished with them.

Velvet Vocals

tbh getting back together is probably a mistake. The reasons for breaking up will only rear their ugly heads a few months in and this time it'll be harder to break up with him coz it'll be doing it again!
I've been there and done that and it's never worked out.

Wibbs

People do get back with exes. Some of the strongest relationships I know were of that sort. The one thing that is consistent with all of those is that they both wanted it and the issues that surrounded the break up were resolved. They usually were apart for well over a year too and both had gone on to other people.

I also wholeheartedly agree with the others about your continued contact. I will say this is far more common in women than men and I've seen t wreck too many mens heads.

You did it too assuage your guilt, you did it so the loss of him wouldn't be such a sudden thing for you too. Now you did it to help him too in fairness, but the first two reasons were bigger.

What I would also be asking though is that you also went along with this contact. Even through you seeing other people. If you had been fully with someone else daily contact with an ex would and should have not been foremost in your head. You as well as he have not moved n either. There seems to something in the pair of you that needs and wants this contact. On your side it could be a slight ego boost and a safety net. Add in you not being too sure if leaving him was such a good idea, or seeing the grass wasn't that green is you were such a good couple. Good couples are rare enough as you've found or you would be in one now.

You've some thinking to do alright, but think well and think quickly and if you do decide to actually move on, let him move on too. That means no contact at all. No excuses about saving his feelings or anything else. If you have the conviction to leave then have the courage of that conviction and actually leave. If you feel like trying again, then do so but work at it. BTW just because you're with him or anyone else doesn't mean you have to "settle down". Indeed I would say dumping someone that otherwise is good for you for that reason alone is not always a good plan.

Basically don't act on a whim either way.

G86

In all fairness you don't sound particularly cut up over any of this, whereas he is probably in bits wondering whats going on.

I was in a similar situation, ex wanted to stay friends, but I knew he thought we'd get back together and hard as it was - I knew we couldn't be friends and had to cut contact. You have to think of him here, not yourself, its not fair to lead him on.

Yes, sometimes people get back together, and it does work, but in your case you need to think long and hard and make sure you're 100% sure that what you want. Otherwise, you're going to cause someone alot of hurt, simply because you're wondering if the grass is greener.

Drodan

Yeah this is why you ALWAYS burn bridges. Never stay in contact with an ex unless you were like best friends for ten years or something.

By the way, "I didnt wanna regret not living my own life!!" sounds like your just running away from the relationship because your scared ****less that it might actually work and you'd end up happy.

Stop looking at what you might have in the future and appreciate what you have now. The grass is not always greener.

4Xcut

Drodan wrote: »

Yeah this is why you ALWAYS burn bridges. Never stay in contact with an ex unless you were like best friends for ten years or something.

By the way, "I didnt wanna regret not living my own life!!" sounds like your just running away from the relationship because your scared ****less that it might actually work and you'd end up happy.

Stop looking at what you might have in the future and appreciate what you have now. The grass is not always greener.

Actually combined with the fact that she stayed in such close contact with him, it comes across more that she wanted to see if she could do better but have an insurance just in case. Not to sound harsh but that is quite a valid interpretation.